It is healthy to be selfish, normal even. What isn't healthy is to deny yourself your own identity in fear of reproach. To constantly sacrifice yourself for others isn't a good thing, and you won't be thanked for it. People may call you selfish for transitioning, but it's a moot point. If you transition, it's for yourself and your own happiness, what another person thinks about it doesn't matter. Live your truth, and deal with the consequences as they arise.


     Hugs,
- Katie
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Family is not always blood - it is the close bond of people who stay together through thick and thin.  The time is now to create your own, new family.  Your old family can choose to remain with you in your new family or fall off into their own abyss.

You are NOT selfish for transitioning to wherever you know you need to be.  Transition will bring out the best in you to be a better person for those who are your true family and friends.  You already know this; we at this thread are merely confirming what you know.

Speaking from personal experience, I got hit with my family's selfishness.  They had no reluctance to express their selfishness.

There was no great announcement because mine were child and teen years of frequent feminine protest tantrums.

My family had no complications accepting me during my part-time as long as they saw me only during or when I presented to them as my 'male' persona.  They did not want to know and see me as my devolving female self.

When I made my change to full-time and forever female, my family en masse rejected me.  They left me to pick up my pieces and move elsewhere on my own in life.  That was okay.  A lifetime of their letdowns and my own counselling prepared me for my life without them.  I live with my self just fine, thank you very much.

     -  My parents went to their graves hating me and refusing to accept me.

     -  My sister is quite the piece of work.  She has a long, written history of her attacks against me yet within the past month she told me what she wrote never happened and she demands among her 'ground rules' that I must forget all the past hurt she committed against me.

     -  Other cousins - whether near or far, socially or geographically - also rejected me.  The worst denial came last year from one cousin who was more of a sister to me than my sister.  She now denies my entire existance; she removed me entirely from her life.  I feel sad for her.

I choose that famous 'Godfather' quote:  'Keep your friends close, your enemies closer'.

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I personally believe it is a selfish act. Here is some advice my priest who was also a psychologist gave me years ago on an unrelated matter.

To sum up what he said.... You are spreading yourself so thin and making yourself so miserable. When we get to this point due to helping others, not only are you not helping them you are killing your soul. You can only truly make a difference in their lives after you have made one in your own. You have to make sure you are happy and whole mind, body, and spirit. Otherwise, your misery wears onto everyone you come in contact with, and your discontentment shows through the mask you put on everyday. You will help no one living in misery no matter what consequences being a bit selfish creates it will all come full circle. Once you are happy it will radiate off of you and then your help will be not only better received, but also better quality.

OK, I couldn't put that in quotations because it was almost 10 years ago. The monologue was very ling the way I wrote it, and I remember it like it was yesterday. I think of this very often and apply it to many situations. I believe this is an appropriate advice for our situations. I have always been super self sacrificing and this has helped me prioritize.

I really hope this helps you. It has helped me through a lit including coming out as trans. I sincerely wish you good luck .

Delilah ❤

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I think is excellent advice. We have to be happy first before help any body else.

Luanne

Quote from: Mavis on February 05, 2016, 04:00:52 AM
Well, if you are married and have children, then coming out is selfish, as I have been told I should have taken being trans to the grave. I am told that there is no follow ups to children in their adult years on the psychological damage caused by their parent being trans. My father in law says he would have taken it to the grave if it was him to protect his wife and kids mental anguish. My wife says she would suffer to protect her children. Now I am stuck feeling like I can not transition because doing so would mean that I care more about myself then my children and wife.

p.s. my mother says her neighbor came out as trans to his two sons in their teens and they never grew up, still living in parents garage as hermits now in their 30's

Coming out of the closet and being yourself isn't selfish. It's not selfish to transistion either. Transistion can happening social and medical. People who refuse you to be yourself are selfish, not you. If the people around you can't respect you, it's not a good thing thought. Then they do hurt you. Being transgender doesn't harm anybody around you and transistion doesn't harm people around you either. You have full right to be yourself. If your wife can't respect you and don't wish anything good upon you, it's not real love. I don't cheering for a breakup. My point is a person who truly love you would respect you for who you are. Living a life as a role to your death isn't the same as being yourself. It's important to be yourself for a good and valuable life. You don't need to listening to your wife, father, mother or anybody around you always. You know yourself better. Even you have a close relationship to them doesn't mean they are always right. In many fundamentalists society they think and experience difference than what we do. Your father is probably not transgender, so he doesn't know how it feels. He can't decide what you should do or not, especially since he don't know how your experience and feelings are.

Quote from: Qrachel on February 05, 2016, 04:32:47 AM
Dear Mavis:

Without taking anything away from what you said for I'm sure it's pretty accurate, the argument you are making is a false equivalence.  First, it's easy to say what one would do when there aren't any real consequences in doing so; second, embedded in the argument is an evaluation without any evidence that you are worth less than . . .; and third, it's prejudicial given the position being taken by those who don't have to take a position that confronts their own personal well-being, i.e. it would be better to take "it" to your grave.  Until you or them have looked into the abyss, neither you nor they are informed enough to make such comments; and this is not a recommendation to take a look.  From personal experience, it doesn't end well however it ends.

I'm not arguing here with you.  I agree, YOU ARE BEING SELFISH and there are times when that's the only logical thing to do . . . this is one of them.  This may land poorly with you now, but you are a good person too with all the rights and pursuits we all should have . . . being trans does not change that, even if we wish it did.  It just makes us suffer from existential guilt.

Take care and tanks for posting,

Rachel

How are she selfish? I can't see anything that do her selfish. Maybe the comment is edited or something. I don't get it why you think she is selfish. When other from the forum think someone are selfish, it's really scary. I thought our community stand up together, not work against each other. Marvis may believe at people around her because she has always been told what's right and wrong by people that raised her up. As I understands it, she's a bit unsure or do questioning something. When a fundamentalist group or family always tell you what they think and you don't know about difference ideas, it's natural to believing at they you know from the past.

If I didn't know which color the sky was because I haven't seen it, and my friends and family always tell me it's pink, I would probably believe them until I get others perspectives. I don't think Marvis are selfish, I believe she just have more to learn. I understands the comment difference from you. Maybe you understand it right, maybe I do it. I have no idea. 

Marvis comment:

QuoteWell, if you are married and have children, then coming out is selfish, as I have been told I should have taken being trans to the grave. I am told that there is no follow ups to children in their adult years on the psychological damage caused by their parent being trans. My father in law says he would have taken it to the grave if it was him to protect his wife and kids mental anguish. My wife says she would suffer to protect her children. Now I am stuck feeling like I can not transition because doing so would mean that I care more about myself then my children and wife.

p.s. my mother says her neighbor came out as trans to his two sons in their teens and they never grew up, still living in parents garage as hermits now in their 30's

Dear Sebby Michelango:

Read your post carefully and think I understand and appreciate your POV.  I'm comfortable with what I said and am willing to accept there are many opinions on this subject and mine is simply part of that pool of discourse. 

I hope this note finds you well  . . .   

Take good care,

Rachel

Quote from: Qrachel on February 06, 2016, 12:57:55 PM
Dear Sebby Michelango:

Read your post carefully and think I understand and appreciate your POV.  I'm comfortable with what I said and am willing to accept there are many opinions on this subject and mine is simply part of that pool of discourse. 

I hope this note finds you well  . . .   

Take good care,

Rachel

Maybe we just understands same text difference. I didn't get it why she is selfish. For me her family sounds very fundamentalists and refuse to accept her. That sounds worse. But anyway, everybody has difference opinions and experience the world difference. 

If you plan on going into the medical field, that gives you the added bonus that you will likely work for non-profit which means you are only obligated to pay off loans for max of ten years, percentage based on your income (you would only end up paying more if you earned more).

What if you literally have nobody else in your life you can possibly affect in any real way by transitioning? No significant others, no friends or family...

Kinda like if a tree falls in the forest and nobody's there to hear it, did it even make a sound.