Not sure how to start but here goes.

Since i was a young kid i would wear my moms clothes (no sisters). I would sneak into my aunts and cousins closets and dressers and use there stuff if i got left alone. It wasnt respectful but hindsight is 20\20.

I grew up with 2 brothers and a father that were all male, sports fishing fighting ect. It was a very religious as well private religious school church 24/7.

With all those factors i learned to suppress my feelings. I got married with only ever haveing had 2 other girl friends whom lasted only a very short time due to me not persueing intamate relations. I have never had a huge drive in that regard. My wife is the one that initiated that as she still does.

I have not told anyone about my feelings thus this post. I have looked into a therapist and will most likely persue that option due to the enormity of what has decided to come to the surface with an over whelming surg again and this time i dont think i can keep it in check.

With all that being said where i live no chance at acceptance. Where i work not a chance.

The family side with my kids it would be in my opinion a nad time all 3 are just getting to the teen years with all that cofusion for them i think my own would just make it that much worse for them. If that sounds like an excuse to a degree it is.

Theres more but not enough time. Pardon for what is a bit all over the place its just thoughts kid of dumping out all at once.

Hi

Welcome to Susan's Great to have you here - looking forward to seeing you around the forum.

It's really a case of one step at a time, chat with a therapist and figure out what if anything you want to do and take it from there. It's better to talk about the issue than leave it bottled up.

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Cheers

Grace

I think the therapy step is a really good one.

There are so many stops along the trans spectrum that it would be good to find out where you fit(or don't-sometimes that defines better). You might mention to your spouse you are seeing one. Assuming you want to stay with your wife, this might make talking to her later easier. Communications are key. However, it is hard to talk about if you are not sure yourself.

I wish you love, acceptance and a smooth journey.

Joanna

Therapy is going to need to happen, im starting to get anxiety to the point i have dificulty sleeping and have been uusing sleep aids i got 4hrs of sleep witch is becoming comon.

Yes i would like to stay with my wife but not sure it would be the same for her.

I had also thought about where I would fall in the whole trans spectrum and im not sure how far i would need to persue things thus the therapy.

Just letting it out here has helped some.

Thank you for the comments

You have taken a step...it is a start, if you read some of my early posts I think confusion was the main theme. Take your time with this if you can...From what you have said this has been an issue for you for a long time? Did your wife know? or is this going to be one big surprise for her? My wife and I are committed to stay together despite my transition. I really hope you are able to keep your relationship intact.

I got to the point where it was, do something or I would have ended up doing something stupid like harming myself. I was having nightmares sleeping only 3-5 hrs per night, no appetite, anxious, constant suicidal idealization....any of that sound familiar?

Have you experimented at all to see what you like? That may give you an idea of where you fall on the spectrum...where do you think you fall?

Lots of questions I know, but they don't need answering for me they need answering for yourself. I have been getting counseling whilst waiting to see my Psych to get letters and found it immensely useful. I still have a number of issues to wade through...but don't we all!!! 


Elizabeth K

Did she know i don't think so i havent told anyone and was not caught as a child. So i would have to say that it will be one big old shock if i can ever tell her. I worrie more for the kids with where there at in growing up all 3 are teens this summer.

I have experimented in the past off and on as a kid moms clothing, later gf and wifes clothing , we are close to the same size so i never stretched anything for her to notice, wiitch is why i probably never got caught. The most recent thing was i went shopping by myself and bought some things.

The sleeplessness yes that is happening suicidal thoughts not at this point. Anxiety has been the most recent issue which is why i started reading here and then posting.

Eatting depends on what i did but for the most part ill eat one meal maybe 2 during the day. Alot of the time i force myself to eat twice just due to my work which is rather physical.

Where in the spectrum they way feelings are atm they seem to be getting stronger as time goes on not sure if thats repression or the fact i have let it come to the fore front and loosening the reigns on holding it in so for now its a complex question.

And some thing i remember from

I remember my mother has told me in the past (more than once) that she thought i would be a girl when i was born. Not sure if that has any bearing on the situation.

We can be pretty successful suppressing our feeling for a long time but at some point we weaken to the point that we can no longer hold those feeling back. It sound like you have reached that point and you are going to need something else. If you are early in the exploration process, there are two links you should look at if you haven't seen them yet. The first is our Wiki page where you might find a name for what you feel you are. The second is "the transition channel" where a therapist will walk you through the same question you would face in therapy. The answers might help you understand yourself better. Feel free to post any questions you might have on this thread and we will do our best to answer them.

I agree with what others recommend.

I just wanted to add to go easy on yourself. Remember to breath.

Take one step at a time and one day at a time.

Thank you for the link, it clarified alot of what I thought and helped to look at a few things from a diffrent angal. So thing i was doing others i hadnt considered.

Again thank you

So i sent an email to a therapist thats close to me and haven't heard back only been a few hours but it has seemed to highten my anxiety. This sucks

So i got through to atherapist wich i go see tomorrow.

Hopeing this will help,  if anyone could maybe let me know wat to expect it would be appreciated.

I have never been to one so rather apprehensive.

Thanks in advance

I had never seen one before a year ago when I started to work through my own journey.

Some have a list of questions with a bit of medical and family history.

It may be a little nerve wracking but often they just want to know why you have come. What they can help you work through. Honesty seems to be the best course. Hiding will only take longer. Try not to be nervous, answer as truthfully as you can and you don't need to apologize.

I have noticed from many descriptions, that the first session or two is almost like dating. You have to see if you can work together.

Good luck. You have positive thoughts coming from many of us.

With warmth,

Joanna