So. .....  I just left work for the day, my third since going full time.  Everyone, for the most part, is being great so yay!   Thankful for that part. 

I've only had a few mess ups on my name, and all have corrected themselves.

Today though I've really noticed a huge increase in being misgendered.  He, him, sir, man and dude. ....  I've heard them all in the last day and didn't get gendered correctly at all.   I don't get the sense that it's being done to be rude or mean at all, I think it's pretty much just carelessness and habit more than anything. 

So my question is, do you just start in day one correcting like crazy or let things go for an amount of time to see if it corrects itself?   I don't want to come across as being rude but at the same time I don't want to set precedent either.  I pretty much know that I have to start correcting but just wanted some opinions on the matter and how others have handled it.

Quote from: Emjay on December 02, 2015, 05:30:08 AM
So. .....  I just left work for the day, my third since going full time.  Everyone, for the most part, is being great so yay!   Thankful for that part. 

I've only had a few mess ups on my name, and all have corrected themselves.

Today though I've really noticed a huge increase in being misgendered.  He, him, sir, man and dude. ....  I've heard them all in the last day and didn't get gendered correctly at all.   I don't get the sense that it's being done to be rude or mean at all, I think it's pretty much just carelessness and habit more than anything. 

So my question is, do you just start in day one correcting like crazy or let things go for an amount of time to see if it corrects itself?   I don't want to come across as being rude but at the same time I don't want to set precedent either.  I pretty much know that I have to start correcting but just wanted some opinions on the matter and how others have handled it.

I correct misgendering and deadnaming each and every time it happens. If someone gets defensive, I tell them it's not a big deal, but I expect them to try to get it right. I tell them that when it happens, all I need from them is a "sorry about that" and then we move on.

I correct them every time. If they ignore me it goes up the chain to HR.

More subtle misgendering I let slide for a while but I do eventually call out people on it.

I phrase my correction as a "gentle reminder" and not nasty or anything. If it's a genuine mistake and you're nice, most people will be embarrassed and try their best. If you're nasty you're likely to encounter resistance. However you should always be firm.

For example, if someone calls me "sir" I would say, "it's not sir anymore!" Or someone refers to me as "him" I would say "her" or "I'm her, not him" firmly and noticeably but politely.

For my name, I ignore people until they catch themselves. If they insist, I say, "who?" or, "I don't know who that is" or "My name is actually Kate."

That hasn't happened in a long while but a few people have slipped up. One guy who really doesn't look anywhere else but his computer and has his headphones on all day deadnamed me then when he realized that I wasn't responding to me he used my proper name.

This is just MY experience and yours may be different.

My advice is to starting correcting them right away, I didn't and I still have some problems and I have been full time at work for about year.

I correct all the time now as well. I do it very friendly. Usually i say "who?" or "Who are you talking to?" and smile. 

Quote from: Stevie on December 02, 2015, 10:10:23 AM
I didn't and I still have some problems and I have been full time at work for about year.

This is exactly the scenario that I want to avoid and what I'm afraid will happen if I don't start correcting now. 

What really struck me is the comfort level with which people were using the wrong pronouns.  I really didn't get a sense of malice or anything, it was just like "Ok, this is now Megan.....  the guy....."  um yeah no.....  I can't do this....

There is one person who has been right every single time and I made sure to thank him this morning.  By the end of the day it was really starting to bug me and just having one person seriously make an effort really meant a lot to me.

Thanks everyone, tonight I'm going to start correcting people. 

On the bright side I have had soooooo many people express support for me and I'm so thankful for every one of them.  So far, overall everything has been great.  I just need to work to correct this issue.

At my job, prior to my transition we sent out a formal communication instructing everyone to use my correct name and pronouns.

If its co-workers that I'm close with and that I know just do it by mistake, I will tease them and then they feel bad and don't do it again.

If its co-workers that I don't really work with on a regular basis, or they didn't really know me prior to transition, I give less leeway. If usually pull them aside and make sure they understand it's important to use the correct language. Otherwise i escalate it up the chain. If you don't stress the importance of this, I think people will be careless about their language. I'm very assertive with people because I DO NOT have patience when they screw it up.

Sigh.....  So 30 days later and the misgendering at work continues....  I continue to correct people and they're usually apologetic about it but then it keeps happening.... 

What's really been bothering me is now I'm getting deadnamed........ a lot!  People were really great about the name, mostly it was pronouns, but now even that seems a struggle for people. 


I keep correcting people.  It has got to get better soon.

Idk how others feel about this, I know no one likes it but to me it's *really* hurtful....  I wish people realized that.

 I don't know how long you have worked with these people, my observation is that the longer I knew someone
pre-transition the harder it was for them.

I had worked here for 14 months before coming out so there is some history but definitely not several years worth.   I think it'll get better eventually, there are just a lot of people working here so that's probably factoring in somewhere too.

I worked here 8 years and only a few people slipped up.

I can't put my finger on why people get it right, but I suppose reinforcement has a lot to do with it, in terms of you have to be firm with your name and pronouns.

I have a feeling this is what I'm going to be really struggling with as I keep moving forward with my RLE. I am keeping a journal to write down feelings and experiences, but a lot of them are negative. In coming out as trans I've lost 3/4 of my friends and the majority of them that are still around continue to use the wrong pronouns. This is where the problem comes in. Some of them think I'm a joke for being trans and do it to make me feel like the butt of it. But then the other half are just absent-minded. I'm a very shy and passive person, a lot of it having to do with how I used to live my life.

Since coming out as FTM I have become more firm in how I am treated, but a lot of time I am ignored. I worry about what will happen once I start applying to jobs with my new identity. Is it something I need to list on the applications, after I start "passing" better. Or is it something I need to speak with my HR about my status. I want to actually start doing better about correcting people but I don't want people to think I'm an arse or a special snowflake.

Long story short, I'm worried about my bad habits with friends not being corrected spilling over into my work life. And I really want to impress the informed consent workers so I can start HRT. Advice?

This is something that is actually tearing me apart. Came out to family in September. It is now January and no sign of any improvement and honestly I just feel so depressed and want to run away.

I tried correcting and I got the worst possible backlash to the point of being kicked out. Why couldn't I have been in one of the lucky families who just accept it instead of making me feel like dirt. I'm sorry am just so close to breaking point today..

Think it is safe to assume they will NEVER accept me which is awful because I have absolutely no-one IRL to hang onto. It is very lonely and really wish there was even that 1 person to be there.

Like some of you, my HR dept sent out a memo to the 550 people whom I work with directly and indirectly telling them about my new gender and name and asking them to respect it and such. That was back in July 2010. In the first year or so, people were still getting used to the idea. I had worked there for nearly my whole life so I had an almost 20 year history with some of my coworkers. They literally watched me grow up like I was their own child. So you can imagine how difficult it must have been for some of them to rewire their way of thinking to accept my new gender and name. I will tell you that even today there is the occasional slip-up by someone in my dept calling me "he" or "sir." While I could certainly see this as disheartening after all the time that has gone by, I must say that the bad moments are very minuscule compared to the good moments. If 99.9% of the time I'm "she" or "ma'am," then one or two bad times shouldn't really matter. Most of us are programmed to harp on bad things and if we allow these bad things to eat us up inside, that's just not good for our well-being.

I'd like to tell you all about this receptionist we have in my dept. She's a black GG with a very deep voice and she admitted to me that many times she would get misgendered over the phone. It doesn't bother her because she's never been programmed to let it bother her. We've been programmed to let misgenderings bother us. I think if we somehow rewire ourselves to not care about the occasional slip-up, we'd be much better off.

Sooooooo, just to update on my own personal situation.  Things have gotten worse with the misgendering unfortunately....  Everyone for the most part uses the correct name, which is good since it's my legal name now, but I'm still "he", "him", "dude", "man", "sir", etc......  I've corrected consistently to no avail.  I've thrown in the towel and contacted HR, I don't know what else to do.  Hopefully it helps.

The ones that really bug me are the folks who, when I correct them, say something like "Oh, I call everyone that".....  really?......  REEALLY?!?!  (The instance I'm thinking of in particular was to someone saying "thanks man!")

I don't get a feeling of malice behind any of it.......  from anyone......  more like indifference and absent-mindedness....  It's still hurtful though.

*Sigh*

Quote from: Emjay on February 18, 2016, 06:33:34 PM
Sooooooo, just to update on my own personal situation.  Things have gotten worse with the misgendering unfortunately....  Everyone for the most part uses the correct name, which is good since it's my legal name now, but I'm still "he", "him", "dude", "man", "sir", etc......  I've corrected consistently to no avail.  I've thrown in the towel and contacted HR, I don't know what else to do.  Hopefully it helps.

The ones that really bug me are the folks who, when I correct them, say something like "Oh, I call everyone that".....  really?......  REEALLY?!?!  (The instance I'm thinking of in particular was to someone saying "thanks man!")

I don't get a feeling of malice behind any of it.......  from anyone......  more like indifference and absent-mindedness....  It's still hurtful though.

*Sigh*

It could be a situation where everyone was told by HR to do something and in the beginning everyone was obeying orders to be kind, but then as time progresses, they forget the directives that HR put out. Some people could be nice as pie, but they just don't want to bother correcting their own behaviors. They're used to vanilla and chocolate, but don't care to deal with the flavors in between. When vanilla turns to chocolate or chocolate turns to vanilla, they get confused.

Strangely, I've seen younger folks calling genetic girls "man" or "dude" as in "Yeah, man" or "Hey, dude" during casual conversation. It boggles my mind that this is okay, but it is. I've heard people use the wrong pronouns towards genetic girls, too, not because these genetic girls look like men, but it was just a mistake in speech. It's not common, but it happens. However, referring to someone who presents as a woman as "sir" is just plain wrong. Out of the 550 or so people I work with, there's always this one bonehead who slips and calls me "sir". I just make sure I get a private moment with him when he does it and correct him and he's very apologetic. He gets the pronouns right for a few months and then slips again. But he's 60-something and has known me for 20+ years, so I don't care that much because it's probably really hard for him to change.

 I finally had a guy I have worked with for over twenty years start calling me Stephanie. It took him awhile he was the last person I work with to get it right. I have less than twenty co-workers, have known them all for years so I expected there to be a long adjustment period. The are still the occasional slips but most people auto correct themselves  now.

I correct people every time it happens. I do understand that it does take time for people to grow used to calling you by your new name/pronouns but it is still good to correct them so they can remember to call you by wanted pronouns/name next time.

It is also good to tell those people to not beat themselves up when they realize they misgendered you and correct themselves. Some of my friends were bad about repeatedly apologizing about accidentally misgendering me. So it is good to tell them "It's okay, you caught yourself and you are trying. That is all that matters."

Quote from: suzifrommd on December 02, 2015, 06:21:54 AM
I correct misgendering and deadnaming each and every time it happens. If someone gets defensive, I tell them it's not a big deal, but I expect them to try to get it right. I tell them that when it happens, all I need from them is a "sorry about that" and then we move on.

Yes, Politely correcting it right away and every time, then moving on with the conversation is what I've done. It seems to have worked out well. To be honest, I've only found it to be a problem with people that knew me before I transitioned.

** EDIT**
Or at least that is my opinion

Quote from: Emjay on December 02, 2015, 05:30:08 AM
So. .....  I just left work for the day, my third since going full time.  Everyone, for the most part, is being great so yay!   Thankful for that part. 

I've only had a few mess ups on my name, and all have corrected themselves.

Today though I've really noticed a huge increase in being misgendered.  He, him, sir, man and dude. ....  I've heard them all in the last day and didn't get gendered correctly at all.   I don't get the sense that it's being done to be rude or mean at all, I think it's pretty much just carelessness and habit more than anything. 

So my question is, do you just start in day one correcting like crazy or let things go for an amount of time to see if it corrects itself?   I don't want to come across as being rude but at the same time I don't want to set precedent either.  I pretty much know that I have to start correcting but just wanted some opinions on the matter and how others have handled it.

Firstly I would like to say that by looking at your profile pic, it confuses me why anyone in their right mind would call you "him" or "sir". What a lot of people do is ignore when their birth name is said, although considering that fact that your at work, means ignoring may not be a possible thing to do. Maybe act like you didn't hear them, then correct them by simply saying "my name is ____, I didn't know you were talking to me." It's one I'll be using soon!