I had always identified as male, most probably for lack of an alternative. There was no real reason for me not to. Transsexual? I didn't even know what gay was until I was a teen. At that time there was no way I would have allowed myself to be gay. The thoughts that I had about my body and gender, in my mind, made me sick and maybe even evil, but not a girl. At 14 when I tried to 'fix' the problem and ended up in the hospital, it just reinforced the belief of how twisted I was. I was in there for quite some time and no one came to visit me. The nurses would not even talk to me, it WAS 1984 in the mountains of West Virginia after all
. The years rolled by and nothing ever gave me cause to believe that I was a girl. Not the problems having sex with a woman despite the raging libido and constant thoughts of how incredible the female form was. Not the complete lack of desire to use the ah... pokey part and the corresponding belief that having a pokey part used on me would not be bad at all. ( I really had to wrap my brain around that at first, girls don't have pokey parts, until I learned about joy toys. ) Not when, in my mid twenties, when I started to wear women's underwear and my lunch break was spent in my car with my Vogue magazine hoping no one would catch me with it. Not thinking that the best possible use of vacation time would be locking myself in my home and living as a girl the whole time. Not laying in bed at night imagining how wonderful it would be to wake up a girl. Not the desperate bargaining with god,"Let me be a girl for one month or two, two would be better. I will do whatever you want, I'll be a priest or cure cancer. Just let me be a girl for two months or three, three would be better." Nothing ever made me doubt that I was a boy. I mean I had this part right, and I learned at a young age that any attempt to change that leads to massive bleeding, near death experiences, that sort of thing.
I had no idea it was possible to be anything other than the boy my body parts definitely pointed to me being. I had no idea is a lame excuse huh? It's the only excuse I have though. I lived my life as a male and did the best I could to be comfortable with it. Interests, bah, to a large degree they are social constructs. No, I never liked cars or many other man interests. That doesn't make me a girl, nor does my niece loving hunting make her a boy. Every piece of evidence I might have used as an argument that I was a girl, was useless. This case was never going to trial. The constant pressure of it eventually wore me down until I HAD to do something. I had no idea what at first, but something had to be done. That is when I found out that I was not alone, that there was something I could do about it, and the delusion of being a boy died.
We are all different so I don't know if I have helped. Do we have to be all female to have a desire to to change? I don't think so. Embrace your tomboy, your geek or your nerd, they have no bearing on your gender.
