Since I never really talked at all in any of the time's I've been here I'll cut to the chase.

I've been to the doctor a couple months ago because I've been having issues mentally. They placed me on (I don't mind if people know) Bupropion 100mg 2 times a day which is generic Wellbutrin. They wanted to see if I had servere depression or if I was ADD. Their reasoning is because I told them that, of course, I am depressed and have been forever and I've been having issues with my memory, concentration, staying on tasks for long periods of time, etc. It even extends to the reason why I don't talk on here. By the time I get half way through my thought I've lost the will to even keep typing it out.

Part of me is scared of how people respond. I've always been that way.

I REALLY want to transition. I wrote in the non-transitioning thread why I'm not, but in reality it's killing me inside. It's come to the point that the medications I've been on don't even cover my emotions anymore. They don't straighten my head out. I still can't cry, but I've come so close so often that almost anything sets my head off. MY heart races and for the first time, honestly ever, when I thought about not being able to have kids my chest hurt and I couldn't sleep for a couple days. Just typing this right now and thinking about it makes my eyes well up.

I seriously don't know what to do with myself anymore. I don't know what direction to take because no one but my family knew what was going on with me. I haven't talked about it in a few years so honestly I think they forgot.

I just wish there was a perfect scenario for me to even attempt transition. I've talked to many therapists and the ones that I somewhat keep in touch with are dumbfounded as to why I haven't started HRT when they've, and I mean 3 different therapists, have written the letters and documentation I needed.

I want to feel like I do inside. It's not even a matter of a lingering male sense inside of me anymore. It's completely gone. Only on the outside I'm a man. Only in the act that I put on I'm a man. Everything else is a woman. I search online for women's clothes, when I have my special time It doesn't feel like it used to when I identified as a male. I thought as I continued to stay as I was, I hoped at least, my sex drive would go down a bit. That's an issue I've had forever. Unfortunately it has skyrocketed.

I just feel a like a tornado is constantly inside of my head flinging things around. I can't keep my emotions in control anymore and I think I might just burst sooner than later. I even thought about admitting myself.

This is the URL to the post if anyone wonders after reading this as to why I haven't transitioned.

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,204860.0.html

Quote from: AwaimesunoRyu on March 25, 2016, 02:40:24 AM
Part of me is scared of how people respond. I've always been that way.
...

I just wish there was a perfect scenario for me to even attempt transition.

Hon, there rarely ever is a "perfect scenario" to transition for anybody going through this. Pretty much all of us were afraid of how people would respond. You are not alone in these feelings and fears and anxieties. The harder you try to push against this the harder it pushes back - I wish I could tell you transition can be a smooth easy ride but it probably won't be.

There's one thing that a lot of people say when someone transitions - "You're so brave". Personally, I hate that term... transition is not a case of "bravery", you either have to do it or you go nuts. And yet, there's an element of truth to the term, we have to brave to face the reaction of others, we have to be brave to jump through all the various hoops and rings of fire placed there by cis gendered society and medical requirements and biological "shortcomings"... etc, etc.

When something really matters you can find the way to be "brave", you can find it within you. Most times, once you cross the threshold you realise it wasn't as scary as you thought... and with each hurdle things can get easier, not harder, because you become stronger. Just make sure you have the right psychiatric support and find your coping mechanisms and inner strength.

It sounds like you're getting to the point where you've not much choice about where you go from here. You can keep resisting until you either give up and start transitioning, or something bad happens. I'm very stubborn so it took me a long time, but I got there and its a terrifying place to be. At some point you just have to accept there are no other options.

Perhaps you could try low dose HRT? Chances are you'll see what life is really supposed to be. Its kind of a one way trip though, as its really hard to go back once you've seen that.

Regarding your other post and sterility, I tend to agree with you that it sucks. You could obviously store sperm, and hope for an opportunity to use it. However if you continue you on with our current path what's the chance of having children? And if you do manage it are you going to be a decent parent while you're slowly going crazy?

I think my perfect scenario would be a good paying job, unfortunately therein lies a problem....I don't have a job. I've been without work for close to a year due to head issues. I've been on so many medications thinking about it makes my head hurt. Living with my parent's at my age isn't something I even like thinking about so my greatest fear is being stuck how I am for the rest of my life. I've had a history of head issues from what I can remember and every time something up there happened, I either had to leave school, leave work, leave leave leave etc. I haven't had a stable year as far as I can remember. Mom thinks that my head issues stem from my accident I had when I was 6-7 years old when I broke my leg. Having a 2-ton truck toss you like a rag doll head first can have.....subtle effects apparently. Surprisingly enough after that accident is when things started going from 0 to 180 gender wise. I don't know what to think anymore at this rate. My overall sense of reality is shifting as such that sometimes I wake up and I can't figure out if I'm still sleeping or if I'm actually awake.

Along the lines of children I can't store sperm. There isn't any to store. I've been to so many clinics and had the test run so many times that the doctors just say now I'm in denial. Me storing anything would be me putting my head on ice so I don't have to think anymore, but I do see your point about sanity. I think I may have already fallen over the insanity cliff, or maybe I'm managing to hold on by a fingernail or two......they are long enough.

I guess I'm just terrified at the overall situation and only now the emotions I couldn't find are all coming at me together. All I know right now, if something doesn't change with what's going on upstairs, transitioning won't be a possibility anyways.

You don't transition the moment you start HRT. Its been 8 years or so since I started and I still present male and few people know.

The good thing is I'm quite happy, and sane. Perhaps I'd be happier if I transitioned, but that's a rational choice I can make at this point. I'm not pushed either way by any mental issues. I guess I'd probably be dead if I'd not done what I have, though some people survive for decades with serious depression. I've no idea how.

I'd make a list. What options do you have at the moment. No changes to your life leads you where in 5 or 10 years?

I was just typing for 10 minutes and realized what I was typing wasn't in the context of your question. Another issue I have sometimes. Taking things in correct context kill me.

I have my next Dr. visit in a couple months, unfortunately when you can't afford good insurance, getting good Dr's is nearly impossible and if you get one you have to wait months to see them. Options wise I have a couple tests I have to get done on my dome and after all that's done I'm trying my best to get a job that was offered to me. I'm going to try and see another therapist and I'm going to see if I can start low dose HRT. That was one thing I was afraid of too. I know body changes are based on family genetics and since the girls in my family are all......quite full.....yeahhhh. I don't think I have to explain that.

Pretty much it seems I have no choice at this rate. It's either transition or insanity.

Quote from: AwaimesunoRyu on March 25, 2016, 04:05:16 AM
Pretty much it seems I have no choice at this rate. It's either transition or insanity.

That narrows it down a bit. Assuming you're not going to pick insanity, the only question is how to go about transition.

Hopefully if you can get started you'll regain your balance and be able to see everything more clearly.

My plan (which in total seems to be fairly uncommon) is to go slowly, see what happens, then adjust from there. I've given up making long term plans and predicting the future. Things work out, but not how I thought.

Well from doing a bit of reading about low dose HRT and regimens that are tailored to the person, I think I can manage without too many changes happening too fast. Since I'm a little on the large side to start with I don't have to worry about breast growth right now.

I don't know if she's still active on the forum, but a lady named JennyGirl was the reason I made the decision a couple years ago to transition. She gave me the initial strength, but the issues in between kept that from happening. The reassurance you've given me helps greatly.

I think I'll have to wait till after May 12th which is my followup with the stuff going on right now before I can see an Endo. If I go back to my previous therapist she'd write the letter again, but I think she'd kick my ass for not starting 3 years ago first.

Quote from: AwaimesunoRyu on March 25, 2016, 04:21:17 AM
If I go back to my previous therapist she'd write the letter again, but I think she'd kick my ass for not starting 3 years ago first.

Does that really matter in the scheme of things? Are you sure you're not delaying for another reason?

That comment was meant to make you laugh, but I guess you didn't see the humor. I'll put a bit of perspective behind the meaning.

I saw this particular therapist many years ago for about a year 2 times a week. It started out as any therapy session would, me just sitting there and answering her questions while she made a quick profile on me. Originally I went there because there were a lot of issues going on between my father and I which sometimes still happens, but definitely not as bad as before. Eventually, though, something happened and I had an emotional breakdown. That's when the repressed inner girl came to the surface and started making my life hell. It got to the point that she almost called the hospital a few times because my emotional state was so unstable she was afraid I'd do something to myself or my father......more or less something to my father. Nearing the end of my journey with her she had made all of the recommendations and even gave me information to a personal friend of hers who, in my area, was quite the popular endo to see in the community. I was on the verge of going and starting transition, but then I started a new job, medical issues started popping up, etc. I kept in touch with her for a while and kept assuring her I'd start soon. Pretty much our relationship had gone from her being my therapist to her being a second mother. I lost touch with her 2 years ago and haven't talked to her since. If she found out that I still hadn't started after all this time I think, as the mother side of her, she'd kick my ass all over the city and then rewrite my letters.

Unless, you're talking about when I said the may 12th appointment I have. I can't do anything else until that date. I have case studies and tests that I have to go through so starting something like HRT now would completely screw up the process as HRT is a hormone and we all know how that changes you upstairs in the head area. I want to make sure, besides being depressed, the issues I've had since my accident when I was 6 isn't something dangerous that can bite me in the rear end later on down the road.

Don't think it's a good idea to go on any more medications for right now. I just stopped taking one cause it did some seriously adverse things to my dome. Don't need anything else messing with me just yet. Not ready for it.

Yeah, I missed it. Its hard reading subtleties sometimes.

You life sure sounds complicated.

My psych pointed things a few things that might have lead to where I am, like recent stress bringing this trans stuff out. True enough, it might have but so what? I could make up all sorts of plausible theories, and endless things could lead to one another, but there's no way of really finding out. I don't feel the need to justify anything in my existence so the why's of it don't interest me - its not like I can cure it by doing anything except transition. No one else ever has. I kept shutting those conversations down so in the end my psych didn't pursue them much.

At the end of the day I don't think they really have a clue, so I don't put too much weight on it. Its very different to physical problems.

The things that really helped me in therapy was understanding exactly where I was now, and realizing that I had to do something. Once I truly accepted that the rest was relatively straightforward. So I've still not started social transition, but I've done a few other things that have helped me enormously. And at the end of it I'll socially transition given the right circumstances. I'm not fighting it head on anymore.

That really made a lot of sense. I think what stressed me out the most was that I was thinking the whole time that transition was physical and social at the same time. I didn't think that I could do one and not the other until I was full and ready to do so. I used to be a social warrior.....you know that random person who'd start a conversation in the mall while waiting at the checkout line. Now I'm so introverted I rarely talk to friends anymore even when we are face to face.

I just want to be able to transition on my own terms, my way. My therapist was completely clueless for a long time. She actually read books written by trans men and women, met with them, looked up so much that by the time I ended sessions with her (ran out of money derp) she knew more about how to transition than I did. I miss seeing her because I felt so safe when I was around her. She never pushed me in any direction, not even a little bit. She was honestly what a therapist should be. No ideas were given, but she made sure that whatever I was letting out I understood what it all was and how to deal. There was no such thing as coping with it. She said pretty much what you said. It's transition or insanity.

Life is only as complicated as you make it so unfortunately due to me being a stubborn donkey things got complicated and I'm trying to dig myself out. Pretty much every medical problem I have in some way was caused by something I did. I'm 27 and I've had more joint surgeries than most people in their 50's and 60's. Been on enough medications to put down the roman army back in the day. Pretty much the only thing keeping me somewhat sane is my computer.....which is pretty big.

I just realized that this is the first time in a while I've had a conversation on a forum and I actually kept talking. I'm not kidding either. I used to rarely talk and probably might go back to being that way subconsciously, but it's fun finally getting to talk to someone who is straight forward.