So I'm not out as non binary/trans to my grandparents who I see often and used to be very close with. Recently, this has created a 'barrier' between us although I feel they're not aware of it. I am very shut off from them because I find it hard to spend time with them when they use the wrong words to speak about me. I also lie to them about things like how I am feeling, because so often the reason I feel bad is my dysphoria.

I've been wondering about coming out to them for a while now, but am unsure of whether I should or how to go about it. I need them to know these things particularly:

-I am not a woman
-I am also not a man
-It is NOT just a matter of how I dress
- I AM transgender
- I experience dysphoria about my body and the way others perceive/talk about me
- It is important to me emotional well-being that people speak about me using the correct pronouns and don't use gendered language

However, despite knowing what needs to be said, I am unsure how to say it. I don't even know how to bring it up? 'Hi grandparents, did you know I am not a woman?' haha

If anyone has any advice that'd be great, I might try to tell them tomorrow if I don't chicken out.

Here are some resources:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,197523.msg1756901.html#msg1756901

Well there were quite a few people whose grandparents are understanding.
It simply depends.
Sometimes they really love their relatives and are really accepting.

Where do they stand concerning lgbt issues ? That could be at least something to look at. Its difficult to tell how people react ..

And if people are really close and can talk about emotional things that could be a plus ... if not it might help working on that level.

Well but it seems you can really talk to them ... what about saying you do not feel like a woman, there is something like gender dysphoria and you don't like to be called her etc ?

*hugs*

Thanks for the resources!

In regards to where they stand on lgbt stuff; I came out as 'gay' to them like a year and a half/two years ago, and they still treat me as they did before and don't seem to have taken it badly. My grandad had said some homophobic things previously to that, but hasn't done since then at least.

Quote from: Hunchdebunch on March 25, 2016, 05:46:59 PM
Thanks for the resources!

In regards to where they stand on lgbt stuff; I came out as 'gay' to them like a year and a half/two years ago, and they still treat me as they did before and don't seem to have taken it badly. My grandad had said some homophobic things previously to that, but hasn't done since then at least.

Often people say something not so nice but when they have somebody in their family they realize its simply people ... and come around ...

I would see it as a good sign.

You def are not the only one who first comes out as gay and then as transgender.

I'd say be nice ... talk to them and explain ... and have a nice easter together tomorrow 


*hugs*

I took it real slow on that one.

My mother still doesnt know.

My father does and fully supports.  But  I took it very slow with him.

I only give them what they can handle.  My mother has anxiety issues.  She just doesnt need to know, its not like I am not still her kid.  So I just made it irrelevent to the relationship and just look like me.

Nonbinary advantage, that.  Fluidity has its benefits.

Quote from: Satinjoy on March 27, 2016, 04:00:28 PM
Nonbinary advantage, that.  Fluidity has its benefits.

Ah that's a fair point! I'm not really genderfluid much though, I basically have days where I feel more masculine sometimes, but am mostly just neutral, so I never really feel close to my assigned gender.

Quote from: Laura_7 on March 25, 2016, 05:51:55 PM


Often people say something not so nice but when they have somebody in their family they realize its simply people ... and come around ...

I would see it as a good sign.

You def are not the only one who first comes out as gay and then as transgender.

I'd say be nice ... talk to them and explain ... and have a nice easter together tomorrow 


*hugs*

Thank you! Yeah I've heard a few people say they came out as gay first. It does seem that it's easier for people to say negative things about a group of people when they think it doesn't apply to anyone they care about. Still, I'm glad that he changed his tune on the homophobia!



So, an update!

I did in fact come out to them, I managed to be brave enough to actually go through with it. I basically decided to tell them in as few sentences as possible, the most important aspects of it. I asked them not to ask any questions til I was finished talking. I pretty much said this (as I had rehearsed it in my head beforehand):

'I am transgender. Most people view me as a woman, but in here (my heart) I am not. But I'm not a man either. I use the word non-binary to describe my gender, which means, for me, that I am neither a man or a woman. Being treated as a woman makes me very uncomfortable and causes me a great deal of distress. Being treated as non-binary makes me feel safe, and respected.'

After I told them this (they were very good and kept quiet til I was done) I asked if they had questions.

The main things that came up were:

1. How do we talk about you? (So I explained 'they' pronouns and not using words like 'granddaughter' (asked that they use grandchild instead)

2. Do I want surgery? (This one was a bit more of an issue for them. They were very against the idea of top surgery. I explained about my binder to try and get across the extent of discomfort I feel about my chest, and they acted like maybe that could be a permanent solution. I'm hoping that with time, they may come around to this)


The only things I was upset by during our conversation, was my grandad implying that nothing will ever change in regards to acceptance and representation for non binary people. He basically said that other than around family and friends, I should keep quiet about my gender. He used reasons like 'it's safer' (which may be true to an extent) but he also said things like 'people just won't understand' which I feel was a bit tactless and insensitive. Again, I'm hoping that time will change his view on this.

Overall, they reacted better than I expected. They didn't get angry or upset as far as I could tell, and we still went for our lunch and did a little bit of shopping afterwards. My gran still bought me an Easter present as well. And at least it's out in the open now too.

On a positive note, I had some unplanned back up from my housemate. My grandparents wanted to see my room (as they hadn't seen it since I first moved in, and it was pretty empty then) so we went back to my house. As my grandparents were about to leave, one of my housemates came up from the kitchen and introduced himself to them. My grandparents asked whether I was 'being good' but they used 'she' when referring to me. My housemate, not aggressively of course, replied 'they are being good, yeah'. And that was enough to make my grandad go 'They, sorry.' It's just nice when people are supportive enough to continue to use my correct pronouns even when someone around them has slipped up. I don't always get that support, but I can rely on it from my two housemates.

Well done *hugs*

You might tell them that its similar to gay marriages. People for a long time doubted it wold be a reality and now people get used to it.
So things can change 


*hugs*

Yes, well done!

How wonderful that it went so well. Your granddad implying that nothing will ever change in regards to society's views on nonbinaries may have been his clumsy way of trying to protect you.

I'm so glad for you!

-- Sue

I'm glad it went reasonably well and you can hopefully relax a bit. I know with my grandma, she just needed things (gay rights back in the day when gay marriage was being debated here - legal since 2005 and now Trans rights) explained in a way they hadn't during her upbringing during WW2. With me, I was pretty tomboyish and hated doing anything I saw as feminine throughout my childhood... so my whole family is well aware of that... but I'm not sure how she would be if I pushed the pronoun issue (while I always try to respect others, I don't personally care about pronouns to describe me... because I see them all as about equally lacking). She would probably be really understanding of top surgery but I haven't talked about it in years since I don't think it's an option I have a hope of pursuing.

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Quote from: arice on March 28, 2016, 07:35:15 AM
explained in a way they hadn't during her upbringing during WW2

It might not be as hard as one thinks. My mum, who was born early during the war, once told about a friend of her aunt. Granted, he was intersex (to the point of having been given both male and female names, 'just in case'), but he'd been raised as a girl and transitioned later on (in the 30's, if I've understood). The way I heard the story, it was unusual but not stigmatising.

Quote from: Seshatneferw on March 29, 2016, 04:14:18 PM
It might not be as hard as one thinks. My mum, who was born early during the war, once told about a friend of her aunt. Granted, he was intersex (to the point of having been given both male and female names, 'just in case'), but he'd been raised as a girl and transitioned later on (in the 30's, if I've understood). The way I heard the story, it was unusual but not stigmatising.

It wasn't hard to explain... she had just never had it explained to her as a normal phenomenon... only as a pathology.

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