I had a makeover two weeks ago - it was AWESOME and I learned a ton about makeup. I bought a lot of makeup on Amazon. This has always been the hardest part of dressing, but now I think I have a start on it, and I no longer have any excuses.

I need to go out.

I've been out dressed up a number of times, but mostly in situations where it was ok (like Halloween in San Francisco). But I need to start learning to go out en femme: where to go, how to dress and walk and talk. I'm not looking to meet anyone (at least not yet) but I just need the practice.

I don't have a TG/CD group or any TG/CD friends. I don't want to go to a munch at the mall; I want to go to the bar and have a drink and have guys look at me! But I don't know how to start!

I guess the first step is to find people to go out with, I think that would help a lot. I assume that the easiest thing is to go to a gay bar and that even if I don't pass at all no one will care.  I've chosen Baltimore because it's close to me, but it's far enough away that I won't run into anyone I know. I'm not ready to risk that yet

Do you ladies have any suggestions? How to get started? How to go out when it's scary and difficult? How to meet people to go out with (especially since everyone on craiglist is super sketchy)?

Thanks for any help / ideas / encouragement. I really need it right now!

Welcome to Susan's Place. You have been moving around and haven't caught up to you until now. When I first started moving around in public, I stayed with safe comfortable places. I didn't have anybody who I could do this with so I started with my therapy group and after the group we would go some place local for dinner. That taught me I didn't have anything to fear from others and from that I started my RLE.

In your case, I think you have two options. The first would be to get training time by eating, seeing a movie or shopping to build up you wardrobe. After you have some comfort appearing in public, you can attempt a place more to your liking. I have been in gay bars and never had a problem but you may not find the people to admire you there.

The other option is to come out to your friends or possibly some girls from work and have a girls night at the bar. Again, I have spent time in a number of bars with others because as a non drinker, the only reason for me to go to a bar is company or the food. The bars I went to were pretty tame and I would advise you to select that type of bar until you are really sure about your passing abilities as bar fights can happen.

We issue to all new members the following links so you will best be able to use the web site.

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy

I started at a local hotel restaurant, the staff got to know me very quickly and were very supportive and protective of me. I met people and started talking and the realised I had nothing to fear so started shopping etc just normal life.

To be honest most people just don't care, at lest where I am.

One very easy way of starting out is just doing your grocery shopping. It is mainly women and families doing the weekly shop and of course very natural.

Starting off by dealing with men can be confronting, you need to learn how to be safe in nightclubs and were alcohol is involved that can be an issue.

I went to Orlando for 5 days.  Very accepting area.  Disney Springs is free shopping area and was live music, shows etc.  I was 100% not passing and everyone was friendly.  Even when I was passing (wig... Etc) I  felt safe and was not "sir'd" one time.

I followed the same path, starting with Halloween and I found I needed a confidence boost, so I did it in small steps until my entire presentation was female. If you feel like you need that too, maybe start swapping out one article of visible clothing for the women's variety for a week at at time until you get to the full presentation.

I would also totally avoid bars in the beginning. Anything with testosterone and alcohol is something I would avoid. I've been to one bar since I went full time and it was because they rented out a separate room. I'm still reluctant to put myself in that situation. Like somebody else said, grocery stores are a great spot to get comfortable because it's mostly women in there and I find it's much easier to pass around women than men. The mall can also be a good spot. I was afraid of them because of all the terror of teenage girls stories, but I really haven't had any issues at them.

I'm with Cindy.

Going out and doing the things that need to get done anyway is the easiest way to get going. Your mind will naturally focus on the tasks at hand, which should dissipate some of the "omg the world is looking at me" anxiety.

And of course, building up your female wardrobe is one of those things that needs to get done. 

Thank you all for the great feedback. This is really helpful.

Point taken about bars. I certainly don't want to be unsafe, but I feel like a dark gay bar is a relatively safe space. The idea of going out under the bright lights of the grocery store is pretty terrifying - and I don't like grocery shopping in general  

I really love pj's idea of going to Orlando (or wherever!) and spending several days on it. In a place where I don't know anyone I would feel much more free to be me. Unfortunately I don't have that kind of time until the summer.

Cindy's idea of a hotel restaurant is a great one, too. I've been thinking about a hotel anyway to give myself space and time. Maybe a good start would be to get a hotel and just eat dinner in the restaurant. That might be all I can handle for starters.

I really just need to force myself to go out once or twice and build some confidence! We'll see how it goes. Thanks again and I'd love to hear other suggestions

emma

Whatever you do just think baby steps.  You want to push your comfort zone but without traumatizing yourself at the same time. Having someone along to support and encourage you would be great too.

A mellow low-key bar might be good, but I'd avoid sports bars.  LGBT bar would be good too, just know the culture 1st.  For example we have a block downtown here with 3 LGBT bars and a couple night clubs within 3 blocks of those.  2 of the bars are low key and great for people starting out whereas one is more of a meat market (which I'd avoid your 1st few times out).

Find a gurl friend to go with, I go dance clubbing and always use a town car or if more we chip in for a limo for a few hours. When we emerge we are glamoured up like celebrities. I lead the way, I'm so damn tall like a white Rue Paul.

Quote from: emma.pneumatic on March 28, 2016, 11:27:02 PM
Thank you all for the great feedback. This is really helpful.

Point taken about bars. I certainly don't want to be unsafe, but I feel like a dark gay bar is a relatively safe space. The idea of going out under the bright lights of the grocery store is pretty terrifying - and I don't like grocery shopping in general  

I really love pj's idea of going to Orlando (or wherever!) and spending several days on it. In a place where I don't know anyone I would feel much more free to be me. Unfortunately I don't have that kind of time until the summer.

Cindy's idea of a hotel restaurant is a great one, too. I've been thinking about a hotel anyway to give myself space and time. Maybe a good start would be to get a hotel and just eat dinner in the restaurant. That might be all I can handle for starters.

I really just need to force myself to go out once or twice and build some confidence! We'll see how it goes. Thanks again and I'd love to hear other suggestions

emma

When the order staff looked at me a little quizzically, I plucked up all my courage and told her that I was TG and just starting to go out as me. She was immediately supportive and very helpful and my plight quickly went around the staff. All of whom immediately became very protective for me.

It reached to a point were the security people would greet me by name and I was left in no doubt that if anyone bothered me just to indicate to them and the situation would be resolved quickly, in my favour!

After I transitioned I did return one evening just before Christmas. I hadn't been to the place for many months and I was greeted like royalty. I left a Christmas card with the manager thanking all of the staff for their kindness and included a $100 towards the staff Christmas party. It was received with such pleasure and astonishment that I was humbled.

Why did I do it? One to thank people who had been kind to me, and for that I was truely grateful. But also I was paying along for the next transgender person who went there in fear and nervousness. They will also be accepted and treated as the wonderful people we are.

Oh an aside, I learned this from a cisfemale friend who travels a lot by herself. If you are going out alone to dinner, take a book to read. That way people do not bother you and you are not sitting there looking like a wallflower.


The Morphett Arms in Adelaide is a place transgender people are both safe and accepted as human beings. And if you are a transwomen, use the female toilets!!

Cindy, I love this story. I've received 100x the kindness than any hostility since I started going out decades ago. And i always try to reciprocate to keep feeding the positivity pool.

Great stuff.