Hello and welcome

This is a resource by a reputable source, the british National Health Service:
http://www.gires.org.uk/assets/DOH-Assets/pdf/doh-transgender-experiences.pdfThere are studies showing being transgender has biological connections, to do with brain development before birth. There are differences in brains of women and men so a mismatch is possible, in various stages. Imo thats why there is a transgender spectrum.
So its how people really feel, its nobodys fault, and its nothing to be ashamed of. It might help with self acceptance, and it might help cis peole understand. Transgender people have been around in all cultures... it simply is how people feel.
Apart from gender issues transgender people are people like everbody else, with normal needs and cravings.
Some people make a comparison with a male/female twin... people will be like a twin, with still the same sense of humour.
Here are a few further thoughts that might help:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,188309.msg1674885.html#msg1674885And maybe you can make a few friends here:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,195129.msg1846234.html#newTry to relax, you are not alone in this. Many people have gone through this and reached their goals.
Its a step by step process, just do the next step and keep going.
You could try a few changes to hair and clothing style, and see how they make you feel.
And an eperienced gender therapist will help you find out what you want. They will not turn you away.
*hugs*