Heya, this post might contain some triggering subjects (i.e abuse) so just a little warning!

So as stated I've been transitioning for about 8 years, so far I've been off and on hormones for about 6. I am a very confident and self-assured person. I consider myself quite genetically lucky in that I am slim and have some very attractive features.

A little background - I was emotionally abused by my father my whole life which knocked my self esteem completely. I am over most of it but some other effects / scars still linger.

My ongoing problem is that still now I really can't handle the abuse of strangers in public, it makes me feel like some sort of animal in a zoo being gawped at. Sometimes I pass without a hitch and I've had friends for months who didn't know I was trans until I told them, and sometimes I flat-out don't... so it's unpredictable as hell.

People mistake it as low self-confidence and tell me I just need to "hold my head up high and ignore them" but even so much as a dirty stare is deeply triggering for me and it overwhelms me with negative emotions. It's so bad that I never leave the house unless I absolutely have to go, like to doctors appointments and all that, and hell I want to get out there and actually have a life, you know?

My mannerisms are on point and my voice is perfectly passable. My face can do with some improvements though. In certain lighting, angles and weather I look pretty as a penny, but in certain others I look just too masculine, neanderthal like. Again with the totally conflicting sides.

I have been planning on having FFS for 3 years but I just don't have the money. It is THE dream - having the perfectly feminine face I've always so desperately wanted. There's nothing I wouldn't give to be able to look in the mirror and see MYSELF. Tie my hair up in a pretty ponytail, no makeup and just go on about my day.

As a knock-on effect, I would not have to deal with the deep-seated issues about passing anymore, and well, it would fix my life. Well, that's probably not realistic to say, but I mean I would be pretty damn happy.

So I just don't really know where to go from here, I mean I don't see the point in therapy because of all the hassle and the waiting times and past ignorance with my local psychs, FFS is 100% what I need for any sense of complete happiness with myself (excluding SRS - that will come later) but money money money. I've considered camming a lot (that PAYS the bills if you get me) which would be perfect what with my stay-in-ed-ness and I'm a pretty sexual girl anyway.

Maybe somebody on these forums has experienced or is going through the same things? I think it would be good to chat and share.

Em x

Mod edit: language as per ToS #11

I'm a little confused, you say you are "a very confident and self-assured person" but everything you say afterwards seems the exact opposite of that. I'm not having a go at you, it's just the two parts don't add up.

If you're concerned about how other people might look at you- then that is the issue, not your appearance.

There will always be someone who looks dirty at other people regardless of if they're trans or cis, or gay or straight, or male or female, or coloured or not coloured, short or tall, or disabled... or whatever. You'll always find someone who doesn't approve for whatever reason and looks dirty at them, or maybe that's just their Resting Douchebag Face and that's how they happen to look regardless, or maybe they're trying to hold in some gas, or whatever.

You can't stop people looking at you in a particular way, it may have 0% to do with you being trans (they may not even realise) and some other reason altogether (they don't like your handbag, or maybe they do like it... but gas). Who knows! Better to not dwell on it and, as you say you wish you could do just get out there and live your life.

And I do say that from the point of view of being someone who used to worry about everything that I thought everyone else might be thinking about me. It made me insecure and drove me nuts. Getting that sorted out was the only thing that helped. Otherwise I could have had a full hot female body transplant and it wouldn't have made a drop of difference because I would have still been worried about why people were looking at me.

Hello.  I am new to this site, and this lifestyle....sort of.  I learned long ago that people will be people, and that you are only responsible for your actions, and maybe the actions of young children if you have any.  The opinions of others is just that, their opinion.  Don't worry about what others think, do what makes you happy.

I feel like I am a bit of a hypocrite here, as until recently(within the last year) I have been suppressing my desire to look feminine and wear women's clothing.  I have just started my path, and you have already shown more courage than I, good job, and keep doing hat makes you feel is right for you.

A suggestion, use what makes you confident at work, and with what you do, and apply it to how you feel you look when you are out and about.

I do not care so much about women's stare, and actually I enjoy it. For men's stare, I hate it, but that is my or all women's destiny. People watch girls far more frequently and intensively than boys. Girls learn how to deal with it. I think your fear of getting stares is irrelevant to your childhood trauma. FFS will not solve it.

barbie~~

Quote from: Ms Grace on May 04, 2016, 05:12:45 AM
I'm a little confused, you say you are "a very confident and self-assured person" but everything you say afterwards seems the exact opposite of that. I'm not having a go at you, it's just the two parts don't add up.

If you're concerned about how other people might look at you- then that is the issue, not your appearance.

I'm sorry, I know it all sounds confusing but people don't have the slightest idea what I have been through and how long it has taken me to get to the point where I can believe that I love myself. Unconditionally. When someone doubts or questions that, especially if I have taken the courage to share deeply personal issues like these, it can hurt. This wasn't your intention though, I'm sure.

Maybe I should have clarified a bit - I am confident in myself as a person, internally. My feelings about my body and my appearance sway, though I have more of the mentality "I might not look / be how I need to right as this very moment but one day I will". Parts of my body I can live with, and "other" parts I will not because I absolutely despise them. Isn't this what gender dysphoria *is*, after all?

Dirty stares (am very aware that not all stares are trans-related), transphobic comments, general abuse on the street - is all humiliating and mentally it takes me back to when I was abused. I know it sounds counteracting with the self confidence and I can imagine it's hard for people to understand but when it happens, I don't start feeling bad about myself - I freak out and am overcome with despair, hopelessness, anxiety. I rarely go out because I am terrified of experiencing those feelings again and again. It is a valid response considering and if you've ever heard of "triggering", that's what this is. It is not something confidence alone can fix.

Quote from: barbie on May 04, 2016, 06:27:48 AM
I think your fear of getting stares is irrelevant to your childhood trauma. FFS will not solve it.

Please read everything I have written above. This was not childhood trauma, it was my whole life up until about a year ago. I did not come here for opinions.

I will explain more clearly: I am getting FFS PRIMARILY in order to feel 100% happy with my appearance. So that I can look in the mirror and see the girl that I am. I dream of looking naturally female / cis, and I consider myself lucky because I only need minimal, but effective, work done. To successfully pass post-surgery and mix into a crowd and live my life like a normal person is the beautiful advantage. Is this not the dream of almost every transperson? Can you see, considering my issues, how much this would improve the quality of my life? It's not a "magic fix", I know that, and surgeries can go wrong but it's a risk I'm whole-heartedly willing to take.

I have to apologize for coming across strongly here (and for swearing on the first post - oopsies) but abuse is an extremely sensitive issue and all I ask is that people respect it or try to understand it. I'm not looking for sympathy but for a safe place of discussion for someone who can relate to any of this and needs help.

I hope your dreams come true. 

To say I had self esteem issues would be an understatement. I still have them to a far lesser degree then I did 7 years ago. I am probably the slowest transitioner in history, or the fastest, depending on how you score such things.

At 6ft tall, bald,big everything, deep voice, I am a mess. I get stares. About 30 years I got a LOT of stares being out in female mode. Not quite as bald (close), still as tall, stall as big, still as deep voiced.

Do I do negative, or do I go Positive? Do I let a lifetime of Shame, Guilt, and living up to other's expectations run my life, or me?

Back 30 years ago I never shook the "Some guy in a dress feeling". I had 2 failed transitions.

Today, I get the same looks. I think, I am Tall. I am Slim, I have a damn nice build and look hot. Of Course people stare in a land of short frumpy, fat, "I gave up on being fem a LONG time ago" women. DUH!

A very wise old sage once said; "99% of passing is attitude". I had a best female friend taller then my 6ft and about as big boned no issues. I had female friends far smaller far prettier accused of being 'Trannies". They laughed.

Do you really want to live your life to other's expectations?  For the most part I thought your answer was a resounding NO.