So today, I've been thinking things over.  I've recently accepted that I really do feel like a woman...that's ok.  But the guilt and fear are just demolishing me right now.  To clarify, I don't think there's anything morally wrong with transitioning, I believe that I would have God's support, even.  But I feel that I'm in a situation that would make it so destructive to my life that I really think it wouldn't be worth it.
My wife is my entire world.  I love her so much that it hurts, I would do anything for her.  All we have is each other.  She also is only attracted to men, though she swears she would never leave me(Which I believe).  When I first told her that I feel like a woman, she cried and she broke my heart when she said that no man will ever love her.  When she needs that type of affection and validation.  I can't tolerate how evil I am in wanting to deprive her of that.  I haven't been able to stop crying since I realized that whatever pain keeping my disguise causes is preferable to whatever pain it would cause her to feel that she's losing me(or that I've changed).  I'm stuck...left to hate myself for doing everything poorly.  I'm a terrible man, and also a terrible woman.  It's all I can do to make the choice that causes less suffering.  But, I guess what I want from posting this is to be understood.  Please, just understand why I'm failing so spectacularly.

I don't consider you to be evil because you are still taking your wife into consideration. If you were not doing it, then you might be evil. Something you are not considering is all relationships change over time. If you look at where you are now with your wife and compare it to when you first meet, you will see differences. Most marriages don't have to deal with a transgender partner but some do. I think both of you need to attend marriage consoling and work through the changes that are happening in your marriage. Continuing to live with what is bottled up inside you can be more destructive than a transition but if you address the issues now, the prospects for a long marriage are better.

The only way you will fail is if you stop trying.

You love your wife and you love her selflessly. To even be seriously thinking of suppressing yourself for her is demonstration of that.

As Dena says though you also have to understand that we all change and part of the contract that exists between people that decide to commit to one another is to make those changes work for both of you.

Counseling is amazing and i give a big 2nd to that. If you deteriorate emotionally, you will not be as good a spouse as you can be for her and in the end that may hurt her more than the change would.

Hi Amanda,

I am sorry you are going through this. Being trans is not your fault. You tried to deal with it for as long as you could and it got to the point where you had to let it out. What you do and the degree you become yourself is up to you. I came to realize I need to fully transition. When I went on hormones it was the right thing to do. However, everything I do to further become myself feels good (after I adjust  to the change).

Change is difficult. Not because of the change but due to resisting the change. Change is inevitable.   

I heard the same thing from my wife, several times (including last night). I love my wife and will provide for her. After 4 years of trying to cope we are divorcing. I think in time she will be happier without having to see me or try to control me to be someone that is gone.

My wife and I did marriage counselling. After 30 minutes the counsellor said we should divorce. That was devastating for both of us. She said we both deserve what we need and we need different things. My hope now is that we can be good friends and go out to eat together and share our daughter's life together (she is 18). It is not about love because we love each other.  It is about needs; although, the marriage counselor was very upfront she as right.

Everyone's conditions are different. Your dysphoria is your dysphoria and only you can make your decisions. I recommend seeing a gender therapist and a marriage counselor. I lived for others all my life; I could not do it any longer. I had to choose either continue male and eventually succeed at stopping the pain or transition and deal with who I am. You may not need to make that choice. 

Me and my wife agreed to the crossdressing,she draws the line when it comes too hrt and I'm fine with it. After 28yrs we found what works and doesn't.

Thank you all SO MUCH!  You've gotten me through what could have been a very difficult day.  Everything you said has really taken the pressure off of me.  It feels like not deciding is a good choice right now.  I'm already doing what makes me feel like myself today, and I can just look ahead at an infinite number of individual moments to make any number of choices. 

You just need to be yourself Amanda. I feel the same about my wife but my biggest fear was pretending to be someone else for another 10 years until I can't take it anymore.

Our memories together are so special that I was terrified of ruining the memory of the amazing years we had together by becoming distant and depressed.

Our decision in the end was to separate so that we could be happy in ourselves and keep the wonderful times we had together in our memories forever. We will always love eachother but we can't continue our lives together, which is very sad :-(


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Quote from: cheryl reeves on May 25, 2016, 08:39:26 PM
Me and my wife agreed to the crossdressing,she draws the line when it comes too hrt and I'm fine with it. After 28yrs we found what works and doesn't.

I think my husband and I will end up coming to a compromise as well but that it is a shifting thing. He has always known that I am a guy and that I wear men's clothing (we have always had similar tastes and used to share clothing until he gained 60 lbs). He has also become comfortable with me having top surgery (now that our kids are weaned) because he knows I've always wanted it.
He isn't comfortable with me taking T or me having a penis (though packers and strap ons are fine). He also prefers gender neutral pronouns to masculine ones. For us it is about communicating our needs and boundaries and respecting each other. We have achieved a balance that works for now.

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