Yes the relief one feels when letting out any kept secret from someone there should be no secrets from can be very freeing and guilt lifting. As you have found it brings on a whole new set of issues and emotions to address too.

She had to talk to someone about how she felt beside me.
(Susan's she is not ready for yet. Still a little jealous of you all knowing first.)

Yes that's probably very true. She probably won't know exactly how she feels untill it all settles in more. You have had the privalege of knowing for quite a while and have taken steps to work things out and figure out how you felt about it all. Now she has to play the catch up game to her feelings. Where yours was gradual hers is WHAM all at once. We all do this at different paces and in our own way. Shelley is right in her statement follow your wife's requests for boundries she sets. She needs the comfort of space when she can get it in order to completely understand how she's feeling.

My SO said that she was grieved the lost of her male husband and if she wanted a female SO she wouldn't have married me.

Shock can make us say things we are feeling at the time...but may come to grips with with the passing of time and having a better understanding. Too, when a curve ball is pitched sometimes we have to make a shift in how we react to the ball in order to hit the home run. That shift takes practice and speed in thinking and feeling and acting skills. By the way she has been acting her feelings for me have been all mixed-up. We get better at it with time. Even the best players have to learn to adjust.

No talk about transgender or relationship issues. Letting her bring it up on her own time is good. Giving her back her male husband untill she's ready to deal more with this new side of you is probably the only way she can handle and test to see just how much of her male husband is there still.


My SO said that  doesn't have a problem with seeing me in woman's underwear (that is only kind I will wear), but I notice she tries not to look when I have a bra on. For now I have been put a bra on in the bathroom so I won't disturb her.
I just don't want to hurt her feelings more.

Your compasion and complience is to be commened.

Have patience and remember to share your love for her often.


Wishing you and her the best.

Smiles,
Peggiann

Jillieann, my SO is also very conflicted.  I can tell because she told me that, "You're gonna get into trouble if you keep this up!" when I asked if my eyebrows were OK and, about 20 mintes later, asked me if I wanted to look through her jewelry box to see what I liked!

She's also become very jealous of the time I spend on Susan's even though she's told me that it is good for me to relate to people that have similar issues.  Now she's telling me that I'm getting "sucked in" and is afraid that my time here is just exacerbating my "problem."

I think the only thing I can do at this point is give her the time and space to figure it out for herself and give her whatever information she seems to be lacking (when I can figure it out,  She's not too forthcoming.).  It does take some tongue biting though, and that hurts both figuratively and literally.

keep in good cheer,
helen

Helen,

I don't think your SO is as conflicted as you might think. Seems more like concern for your well being. The "you're going to get into trouble was a statement of concern her suggesting you look through her jewelry box was an act of support. When she worries about the time you spend on Susan's she is wondering if what you are doing is really you or are you just being influenced by the site. Again this is merely a demonstration of concern. Jillean should expect the same.

This is not to say that they are not in some way conflicted. It is a lot to digest and it is natural for an SO to wonder were they stand in all this. How will this affect your initmate relationships and rather or not they can deal with this, stranger in their bed. You have essentially become a person they do not know. At least not as well as they thought. This naturally leads to a lot of insecurity. You must be sensitive to this.

Both of you need to spend a lot of time reassuring and I don't mean with words, I mean with deeds. As the old saying goes, actions speak louder than words. You need to reassure with your actions that all is well, that you love them as much if not more than you always have and that they will always be your one and only special someone.

Cassie

By all means direct them (the precious SOs) here when they are ready. From what I gather this place is not what is expected.

Quote from: HelenW on February 04, 2006, 01:39:37 PM
Jillieann, my SO is also very conflicted.  I can tell because she told me that, "You're gonna get into trouble if you keep this up!" when I asked if my eyebrows were OK and, about 20 mintes later, asked me if I wanted to look through her jewelry box to see what I liked!

She's also become very jealous of the time I spend on Susan's even though she's told me that it is good for me to relate to people that have similar issues.  Now she's telling me that I'm getting "sucked in" and is afraid that my time here is just exacerbating my "problem."

I think the only thing I can do at this point is give her the time and space to figure it out for herself and give her whatever information she seems to be lacking (when I can figure it out,  She's not too forthcoming.).  It does take some tongue biting though, and that hurts both figuratively and literally.

keep in good cheer,
helen

Hello Helen,

Yor wife is experiencing what all SO's experience.  It's natural to fear the unknown and you are doing the right thing by ensuring that she has as much information as you can give her.  As for you getting sucked in here, my wife initially said the same thing, as it seems to them that we spend far too much time here, basking in the experience that Susan's provides.  So where does that leave her?  Stranded and alone.  Yes we can encourage our SO's to join and take part, but if your wife is like mine she doesn't want to be involved with the same people I am, and

Quote"sometimes I have things to say about you that maybe hurtful and not nice", "The other problem is that Susan's doesnt have an exclusive SO Area, sure there is a place where we can post but there's always someone from your side who jumps in and I'm not looking for that,  I get enough of that from you"

(Her words).

I'm not sure if you have noticed but even at Susan's there are not that many couples who post here, they may be both registered members but it's not often you see them active at the same time.  My wife found an on-line support group which has done her a world of good it's not as active as Susan's as it is more of a message board.  However if your wife is interested she can email my wife at: gbc_1954@yahoo.ca and she will gladly give you the information she needs and even chat with her.  The group is for SO's only so she will be able to talk with her peers.

Hope this helps a little.

Steph

Helen,

Yes, I feel your wife is feeling many of what the rest of us SO"S Spouses experience. Her degree of convictions will very as her connection to her spouse is different. She will eventually want to visit with someone about how she feels but as has been said before where? With whom?

Stephanie's wife hit this nail on the head with her statement The other problem is that Susan's doesnt have an exclusive SO Area, sure there is a place where we can post but there's always someone from your side who jumps in and I'm not looking for that,  I get enough of that from you"

This is why I get private emails from many SO"S thanks to Susan's having that option in our profiles. We do converse back and forth with each other that way and also I set up the SO"S chat sessions sometimes inviting everyone's SO"S to join in. We have had some good response that way and are able to hold it two ways at different times. One is couples in Chat together. The other has been just SO"S., no spouses no others but the wives. That too has gone on ok. I personally am now the SO"S CHat Operator and would love to see more of them come in and chat. They can email or personal message me when they want to join me and then they'll know it's going to be me in there with them.

Please share with your wifes my personal email info from my profile. Let her get in touch with me as to when Chat times work in her daily routine.

I feel alone in here sometimes when other SO"S won't come in and join me in Topic conversation.

It's hard to carry on alone. Some of the other members here at Susan's have posted what their wifes have said on some subjects after discussion with them and that helps. But if the SO"S aren't willing to jump in with the life jacket they can offer then what else is there to do but invite... invite... invite to personal message and private email.

Smiles,
Peggiann

I am happy for you Jilliean.  I hope everything is still going well.

Quote from: Jillieann on February 04, 2006, 05:50:03 AM
My SO said that  doesn't have a problem with seeing me in woman's underwear (that is only kind I will wear), but I notice she tries not to look when I have a bra on. For now I have been put a bra on in the bathroom so I won't disturb her.

Just curioius.. Are you using breastforms, or do you simply like the feeling of having the bra on under your clothes?  Lately I have had a strong desire to get a sports bra to wear under certain clothes just to have the feeling, but not for others to see. 

Lisabeth

Hi Lisabeth,
I don't have breast forms yet, but would only use them when I dress up.
I do wear a sports bra most of the time. The one I'm wearing now is very small (amount of material) and comfortable.
If you get one make sure it's not to tight. My breast are between size a and aa.
When I dress up I use one to holds my breast pads securly unlike other types of bras I have tried.

Jillieann

Thanks Jillieann,

I would like to get one, but I'm going to have to hold off for now.  Trying to curb my spending habit.  I can dream though.  By the way, I like your new picture.  Very feminine!  Congrats on getting the look down!

Love

Lisabeth

Hi Lisabeth,
Monday I went out dressed in a shirt for the first time. Wore my new boots and had lunch at Garfields.
I bought a new eyeliner pencile and just walked around the mall window shopping. Clerks and people in general seem to be very friendly when I dress in femme. I loved it when the clerks called me miss. Dressing up and going out can get addictive. I just love beening treated like a real woman.

Here my new website http://www.freewebs.com/jillieann/index.htm called Jillieann's Site.
I do have some pictures of mefrom Mondays outing. Like this one below.

I do hope to put more stuff on the site. Anyway now I have a place to put my photos so that I can post them on the forum.

Jillieann

Nice Photo Jilleann!
The hair looks great!
Hugs
Kate

Thanks Kate,
On my website I have more pictures and the first ones are my new boots which I just love.

Jillieann

Congratulations!  You have a wonderful wife.  it takes courage and LOVE to accept us for who we are.  My first wife did not know, but she would have been ok with it. My current wife is Russian, and she is totally without a clue. if she knew, I think she could handle it.

Hi Jillieann
I always read both Lisabeth and your posts with a great deal of interest, as I see you both as being further down a path I am following.  Yet my script & destination are constantly rewritten, often in light of your experiences as posted here

My basic concern is that I am requesting a social & moral contract to be rewritten.  It sits ill with me that I am wanting to change the very basis of our relationship, and I dont know how far I can (or even truely want) to push things

Jillieann would you mind if I asked you some questions here?  The problem with posting in forums is that question has to be put before OK is given, but if you are not happy, just ignore my post

Firstly, how far are you going with this?  Are you moving from husband to a female friend.  Or remaining a husband that often in appearance looks like a female.  I am supposing that you are doing the first, so, what will the relationship with your wife be? what will you be doing differently now, as I see  the new relationship as being fundamentally different.  Or is this just in my head - in practice is it not a problem?

Secondly, you mentioned that your wife tries not to look when you try on a bra.  This is somthing that would deeply worry me.  (In fact I have a vaguely similar situation - I am not proceeding with bringing rana to RL till after my children have left home - in near future - .  From time to time I mention topics that have come up in Forums, nothing in anyway CD or TS , neutral like Spirituality or Politics.  My wifes lack of curiousity/interest I do not see as encouraging for she has a good idea where topics originate & she is not in any way incurious.  Do you know why your wife is acting like she does?  is it a sort of natural modesty thing or does it signify a deep disquiet with your journey towards Jilleann.

I havent expressed myself very well here   I hope you can see what I am trying to ask & are not in any way offended

Regards
rana

Hi Rana,
Yes ( you may ask any question you like, I am more than willing to share anything that many help) and you have express you self very well.

First question: I see myself as have an obligation to maintain a male body for my wife sake. She has told me she has no desire to be a lesbain. So I will remaining a husband that often in appearance looks like a female. But inside I am female.  It is still to early to tell but maybe she will just want me as a friend in that case I would  transition phyically by takening hormons. Yes it is a different relationship and I am in the process of winning her back. As she said she has lost the husband she though that she married.

Second question: At first she seemed embrassed and hurt when she seen me putting on a bra. Thgis was within a week of me telling her about myself. Now she seems to be accepting it and was commenting that I should becareful about what I wore over a dark colored bra.
My wife is still having a hard time dealing with the real me. But she has excepted allot already.
Thinks like me wear all woman underwear, shaping my eyebrows, wearing toenail polish, removing most of my body hair. Walking  talking and behaving like the woman I am.
She is a great woman and is trying to come to terms with this change in me and in our lives.
Time is what she needs. I do believe she will come to accept Jillieann when she see that my love for her has not changed.

Let me know if you have any other question Rana.
Your TG Sis

Jillieann