I have drastically reduced my online posting it mostly isn't worth the aggravation. I mostly read and chat privately. Sometimes I still share some happy things online like photos. A little bit I share some sad things online. This thread is about a sad subject, so now for the rest of this post TRIGGER WARNING SUICIDE thoughts and how this is treated in many trans groups and by many people.
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I've been banned recently from a couple of large trans groups for rather ooenly describing how I feel about myself and my own suicide. Not any other person except myself, and with trigger warnings. I find this rather dismaying since about 42% of trans women ACTUALLY attempt suicide and about 82% of trans women seriously consider suicide at some point or points in their lives. So it's highly relevant to nearly all trans girls, and at least for myself I find talking honestly about it helps. I've read that some studies show that talking about it openly can help many people but I am no medical expert so I won't speak for others I will speak only for myself.
So, despite being seriously considered at some point or points in their life by about 82% of trans women, it seems to be a heavily taboo topic in most trans groups which I feel is rather contradictory.
My eventual death is more likely to come from my own suicide than from natural causes. For example, I won't tolerate being gravely ill for any significant amount of time I will simply choose my own date of death. From my viewpoint this is actually quite rational for ME but maybe not for any other person. I only speak for myself.
Would I kill myself for financial reasons if I were to ever find myself out on the street without realistic hope of rapidly finding some reasonable form of shelter ? You bet I would seriously consider this. Yes. Just step in front of a truck.
I almost did my own suicide in 2015 due to an awful lot of bullying against me, mostly about my physical appearance and people intentionally calling me a "man" even though it is well-known that I am legally female on my USA passport, that I have lived full time female for some time now, and all my clothes are quite girly. Well, those people who did that against me in 2015 and I also had it happen against me in 2014 earlier in my transition, well they almost succeeded in their apparent goal of getting me to do my own suicide. Bullying KILLS via suicide and murders. Many people give lip service against bullying but then either do bullying themselves or condone bullying by others or turn a blind eye.
I'll post this thread in a couple or few groups. It might get deleted or I might get banned from more groups. I don't care much anymore. I don't really need to post in trans groups much if at all now anyway. My real life as full-time Jennifer among cis people as a WOMAN not a trans woman is actually mostly going spectacularly well in nearly all aspects right now.
I now share much less of the positive details of my real life on the Intrnet because I have found that too many people use my positive life details to directly harm me or my reoutation in some major ways. So I now keep my currently significant major successes as day to day 24 7 Jennifer to a close circle privately of close friends and in this way I avoid emotional harm to me inflicted against me by others when I used to share most of my daily life details very publicly. NO MORE it is way too harmful to me to do so even when I report super positive stuff that happens to me in my daily life. I have a wealth of experience and expertise especially in doing a full transition to womanhood in an international environment across multiple continents. But because I have been so severely emotionally harmed by my former habit of rather completely and openly sharing my private life stuff and feelings and events, now only a very small number of closer friends hear about the details of some major successes I am having as full time 24 7 Jennifer.
I always retain the option to do my suicide at any time during my life. Likely I WILL die via suicide rather than natural causes -- I just don't know if it will be in 1 month or in 10 years -- the date remains to be seen. xx

I've thought about suicide 24/7 since I was in grade school and I'm 64 years old. Thoughts of  of suicide have been my companion for ever since I can remember , but I've never done it because I make it past the darkness  so far and come back to the light.

Yeah, death is a strange topic for people. In addition to the triggering thing, and it just being a morbid subject which people often like to avoid in general, I think a sort of echo-chamber like environment can occur among those who ideate suicide and self-harm. It can cause things to escalate and teach people new ways to do harmful things, rather than provide any sort of help.

Don't get me wrong, it's really nice to get emotional support from other people who understand those feelings and don't just recoil in horror and go "SUICIDE IS THE WORST THING YOU CAN EVER DO", but I think most responsible places will try to steer people toward places that are trained to deal with such a potentially volatile mental and emotional state - here there be dragons.

And I also get that you're trying to have a conversation more on the level of compassionate euthanasia or something, and the desire to have an element of control over your own life and its ending, but even that is still pretty frowned upon in our society, unfortunately. It kind of reminds me of something we see with abortion : when you make it illegal and something nobody's supposed to talk about then the only resources the people who need it can find are shady at best, and it creates an environment rife with misinformation.

I'm pretty wiped out, I'll clean this post up later if need be, hopefully I've made a cogent point or two. If not, meh, we'll live.

Get it.

We'll live.

In a suicide thread.

Quote from: IdontEven on June 01, 2016, 11:34:47 AM
Yeah, death is a strange topic for people. In addition to the triggering thing, and it just being a morbid subject which people often like to avoid in general, I think a sort of echo-chamber like environment can occur among those who ideate suicide and self-harm. It can cause things to escalate and teach people new ways to do harmful things, rather than provide any sort of help.

Don't get me wrong, it's really nice to get emotional support from other people who understand those feelings and don't just recoil in horror and go "SUICIDE IS THE WORST THING YOU CAN EVER DO", but I think most responsible places will try to steer people toward places that are trained to deal with such a potentially volatile mental and emotional state - here there be dragons.

And I also get that you're trying to have a conversation more on the level of compassionate euthanasia or something, and the desire to have an element of control over your own life and its ending, but even that is still pretty frowned upon in our society, unfortunately. It kind of reminds me of something we see with abortion : when you make it illegal and something nobody's supposed to talk about then the only resources the people who need it can find are shady at best, and it creates an environment rife with misinformation.

I'm pretty wiped out, I'll clean this post up later if need be, hopefully I've made a cogent point or two. If not, meh, we'll live.

Get it.

We'll live.

In a suicide thread.

As you put it "compassionate euthanasia" is part of it, but only part of it. Trans women of any age can be repeatedly and severely bullied by both trans bullies and cis (non-trans) bullies. Bullying against me during my mostly successful transition nearly has driven me to my own suicide. And then the bullies bully me even more for reporting publicly that I have been suicidal largely as a result of their bullying.

I have a wealth of super spectacular POSITIVE events that are currently happening daily to me in my real life, and I could really help newer trans ladies with some of this as I used to -- but I do this very. little nows.

Jealous vindictive people trans and cis have frequently found ways to harm me and my reputation -- ->-bleeped-<- that -- no more. I'm mostly done for good in extensive public sharing of my life in trans groups. In THIS thread I am sharing some pretty heavy stuff -- but notice that I am omitting most details about what I am doing today or this week. No more. My happiness is far more important to me than being dragged down by those out to harm me because I've publicly shared way too much about the details of my now COMPLETED very successful transition to beautiful JENNIFER.

I've had in-person sexual relations with about FORTY (40) men since I went full-time as Jennifer. Anyone who wishes to harm me because I just revealed THAT fact publicly, go right ahead. I have a great real life among trans people and a great flirting life online with hundreds of MEN. You may unfriend me if you don't like that fact. My happiness is far more important to me than what people think of how I conduct my life.

And I always retain the option of my own suicide at any time. xx

Hi Jennifer,


I've wanted to be female for as long as I can remember, but I would always just tell myself that I have greater priorities and just ignored my innate desires. This self-abdication and resulting low valuation of my life, also made me long consider suicide. 9 months ago, though, I realized this wasn't a tenable course, and since then I've progressively incorporated my gender into my life, and as result, I haven't thought about suicide at all.

The reason I think I'm not suicidal anymore, but the rejection of others, after you were open with your feelings, is causing you to consider suicide, is because I'm very scrupulous about the ideas I value. For instance, if someone says something transphobic, I will question them, and if their argument is clearly false, I won't value their argument, and if they don't want to accept a more logical argument, I won't care about what they think about the subject. 

I'm not sure what people are telling you that is making you feel rejected (is it just about the subject of euthanasia and some people referring to you as male, or something else?), but if you would like to talk about it here, maybe we can look at all sides of the argument, in order to build the requisite conviction, or change of perception, to not feel suicidal post-acceptance. As long as you're happy and productive, I promise I won't tell you what you are doing is wrong. 

Nothing, absolutely nothing is worth ending a life!!!! Nothing......You can all do better than even think about that. Enjoy the good things in your life, you have lots of them. Yes we all have troubles, everyone does. Take care & good luck to all of us.

I'm convinced that in a highly transphobic culture like the one found in most of the USA, the cultural viewpoint on transgendered persons offers preferred 'solutions' to the 'problem' of being a transgender person:

1) Socially acceptable: Suicide

Society views suicide by the transgender person as putting themselves out of society's misery.  That is, the transgender person had the decency to recognize that their existance is culturally unacceptable and has removed themselves.  Society can shed a few crocodile tears, give a big "Aww.  Too bad, so sad." and get back to their cheeze nachos and pro wrestling, or other vital concerns.

2) Socially tolerable: Self-medication

Just another unconscious body in an alleyway, or half-seen figure staggering down Skid Row? No problem.  Obviously a lesser person, Not One Of Us, and safely ignored.  Of course, they continue to exist (for a while) as a drain on societies resources, and others in society will occasionally see and be uncomfortable with them, so this isn't as socially acceptable as suicide.

3) Socially unacceptible: Continued Existance

I don't value a culture that seeks to deny my existance very highly.  It's obviously defective, functioning on broken or false premises.  We do exist.  We're here.  We're in your parks.  We're in your stores.   We're in your workplace.  We're in your restrooms.  We're in your face, so you damn well better get used to us, and change your sick culture.

I've come awfully close to Option 1, which led to my being here.  I pretty much decided that there was no way I wanted to fulfil the needs of a sick culture in preference to my own.  I choose Option 3.

I still consider death by suicide as a possibility for myself, especially because I don't know how my transition will go, and if I'll be able to retain my friends and family - I'm transitioning because I felt suicidal, and so if transition only makes things worse...

The thing is I can't tell anyone in my life about it, because they'll think I'm not rational or they'll feel like it's their fault, but it is a large motivation for my transition. It's this or die, or at least cease living i.e. never get out of bed. It is good to be able to have somewhere online where you can say that you're lowkey suicidal and not have it explode into drama

I had to work for a few hours and now I have some time to come back. So far you all have had some compassionate yet open-minded and very polite answers. This s very different to some of the types of reactions I have had to this type of subject in some other trans groups.

Shortly I will take some time to reply to some of your kind and thoughtful comments more one-by-one, but first let me say thank you to the members here who has responded so far for being VERY thoughtful and polite, and for any Admin who have seen this thread so far to allow this discussion to develop in an emotionally thoughtful and conversationally polite way. This increases my confidence to share some of these thoughts in this thread. Thank you for not banning me so far for so openly discussing the subject of suicide as it relates to me personally. I promise not to flood the site with threads about this subject. A dedicated thread on this specific topic as it relates to ME (since I cannot presume to speak for anyone else on so delicate a subject) might help me and also might help others in some way. I felt very rejected when the first trans group banned me a couple lof weeks ago for bringing this up -- in fact the group rejection caused me to enter significant depression for about 8 hours. I realize the Admin and others are probably watching this thread closely to see how it develops, so f we continue in this thread as it has been conducted up to now, this gives me some feelings of safety.

As I said in this thread I won't be changing my basic decision to drastically cut back on the amount of posting I do in trans groups on the Internet -- and my strong desire to protect my emotional happiness by refraining from now on to give anywhere close to the amount of personal details which bullies have often used to attack me -- either via intimate emotional feelings I shared publicly and got repeatedly viciously attacked at various times in 2014 and 2015 or because  shared too many specific details publicly about how I conduct my life that people disagreed with and bullied any perceived imperfections of Jennifer's physical appearance, gender, frequency of flirting with men, manner of dressing, and much other stuff -- I will for sure continue to discuss this publicly MUCH less as it protects me much better from emotional attacks -- but okay so far good in THIS thread so let's see where this thread goes from here.

I feel this thread is off to a very polite and emotionally helpful start. 

Quote from: Michelle_P on June 01, 2016, 12:46:50 PM
I'm convinced that in a highly transphobic culture like the one found in most of the USA, the cultural viewpoint on transgendered persons offers preferred 'solutions' to the 'problem' of being a transgender person:

1) Socially acceptable: Suicide

Society views suicide by the transgender person as putting themselves out of society's misery.  That is, the transgender person had the decency to recognize that their existance is culturally unacceptable and has removed themselves.  Society can shed a few crocodile tears, give a big "Aww.  Too bad, so sad." and get back to their cheeze nachos and pro wrestling, or other vital concerns.

2) Socially tolerable: Self-medication

Just another unconscious body in an alleyway, or half-seen figure staggering down Skid Row? No problem.  Obviously a lesser person, Not One Of Us, and safely ignored.  Of course, they continue to exist (for a while) as a drain on societies resources, and others in society will occasionally see and be uncomfortable with them, so this isn't as socially acceptable as suicide.

3) Socially unacceptible: Continued Existance

I don't value a culture that seeks to deny my existance very highly.  It's obviously defective, functioning on broken or false premises.  We do exist.  We're here.  We're in your parks.  We're in your stores.   We're in your workplace.  We're in your restrooms.  We're in your face, so you damn well better get used to us, and change your sick culture.

I've come awfully close to Option 1, which led to my being here.  I pretty much decided that there was no way I wanted to fulfil the needs of a sick culture in preference to my own.  I choose Option 3.

WONDERFUL post honey and very helpful to me. <3

+1 to your reputation for this post.

HUGS,
Jennifer Lopezgomez

Quote from: Peep on June 01, 2016, 01:08:44 PM
I still consider death by suicide as a possibility for myself, especially because I don't know how my transition will go, and if I'll be able to retain my friends and family - I'm transitioning because I felt suicidal, and so if transition only makes things worse...

The thing is I can't tell anyone in my life about it, because they'll think I'm not rational or they'll feel like it's their fault, but it is a large motivation for my transition. It's this or die, or at least cease living i.e. never get out of bed. It is good to be able to have somewhere online where you can say that you're lowkey suicidal and not have it explode into drama

Exactly honey ! I would describe myself as, like you, low-key suicidal a significant percentage of the time in reaction to certain emotional triggers that I have. I agree that -- at least so far in this thread -- that we seem able to super politely and respectfully fairly openly discuss this subject without it turning into high dramas, bannings, or emotional insults. I wish this could be true in more trans groups.

As I said at the outset, serious consideration to suicide one or more times in one's life happens to nearly all trans ladies -- about 82% of us in total, which is nearly ALL of us. To me it is highly saddening that this subject frequently results in high drama, bannings, and increased risk of actual successful suicide. This thread to this point is a good example to the contrary -- this actually IS discussable if done as we all are so far in THIS thread.

Honey, my transition is COMPLETE. I live now as a WOMAN among cis (non-trans) people highly sucessfully and few people in real life know I am trans. They accept me as JENNIFER a woman, not a trans woman, at work, where I live, in shopping centers, in about 95% of my real life.

Honey, to protect myself emotionally I am now helping very few trans ladies -- but I will make an exception for YOU. PM me or contact me on fb in some way and I will help you in any reasonable way that I can. You may speak openly about suicide with and I won't freak out or go into high drama about it.

LOVE to you,
Jennifer Lopezgomez

Quote from: stephaniec on June 01, 2016, 11:22:10 AM
I've thought about suicide 24/7 since I was in grade school and I'm 64 years old. Thoughts of  of suicide have been my companion for ever since I can remember , but I've never done it because I make it past the darkness  so far and come back to the light.

Succinct, highly personal bried quote and heartfelt. Marvelous.

Hugs to you honey,
Jennifer Lopezgomez

Jennifer I have to applaud you for bringing this topic up and in a way that is not offensive...well not to me anyway.

My first suicide attempt was at 14 I am now 52. I knew then how difficult my life would be, my second was at age 19 because I didn't know I had any other choices but again this was foiled by Luck? After trying desperately to get help I gave up and decided I didn't care and lead a dangerous existence for a number of years with suicide a near thought.

I found my current partner 4 years later and it is she that has kept my sanity intact for most of the last 30 years. But 2 years ago I was back thinking about another attempt because I could see no way out with out destroying my life. But here is the weird thing

In 2000 I lay on a hospital bed with my organs systematically shutting down and I was going to die. The Drs could not work out what was wrong because I had been lying to them about what I had been drinking and taking. The pain from this was something akin to being skewered with a hot iron from about mid chest all the way to just above the hips. My pancreas had blocked and was auto-digesting itself and therefore breaking down leaking enzymes and other goodies all through my abdomen, essentially chemically burning my insides, shutting down my kidneys, bowel, liver and damaging most of these along the way. I have been told by cis women who have experienced this that they would rather give birth than have that kind of pain ever again.

I was very motivated to have this pain stop and I find myself in a unique position...I am dying which I can maybe prevent by telling the truth or I can take my exit now...no suicide...just another unfortunate casualty of Alcohol.

I don't know to this day what made me tell them the truth. The end result has been 16 years of chronic pain which is now very well controlled but only in the last 3 years. Until two years ago I had not even considered suicide despite my pain...I found too many other reasons I wanted live and the main one was my family and I don't ever want to find myself in the position again so I am finally in transition mode and doing this has saved my life. I don't want it to sound dramatic but it is a simple fact.

Liz

Hi Jennifer,

I have had several fiends from group die in the past 3 years. I am sad they are gone yet I understand.

My father had a massive stroke when I was young. When he came home we had him in a hospital bed in the living room. My Mom and I took care of him for the 3 agonizing months as he withered. We fed him with a T tube. We changed him,  bathed him and did mouth care. He could say no, ouch, go and die. He was paralyzed. One morning I was with him and he had a massive stroke and died. I called my Mom and we watched him die.

My Mother died in and ICU after 3 months of hell. She died from an infection which started in a surgical site. It was 3 months of hell for her. I was there when she died. She was comfortable due to morphine.

When my voice broke at age 11 I stood on a 90 foot rail road bridge over the Penny Pack creak. I stood on bridges and high rise buildings since then. Several times I was drunk and high. In Dec. 2012 two days in a row I tried suicide on I95 twice with tractor trailers. The second time I do not know how the driver pulled it off. I got help that day and did an in-service. Then a gender therapist and later medications for depression. June 2015 I tried to commit suicide again. Again the tractor trailer driver did some miraculous stopping. I realized I had to make a choice, fully come out, fully transition and as a result divorce.   Since then suicide has been less a driving force yet still there and often.

Last night I had to go over my divorce agreement with my wife and let her know I was going to the court house today and changing my name Friday. She knew but not the exact day. I was thinking about suicide with my super 90 in my bedroom. I asked why am I caught in this? I thought and answered, because I would rather think suicide then address the issues. I addressed the issues.   

I am starting to understand myself and the cause of my suicidal ideation. I am figuring out myself. Yet, in the end I do not fear picking the time but only when the alternatives are terminal. 

From my understanding, what is bothering you is that people have negatively criticized your appearance, your manner of dressing, your sex life and your opinions. Your reaction to these criticism is to block these views and tell yourself that you're right in capital letters. The problem, though, is doing this prevents you from understanding why you're either right or wrong, and as a result, you are aching for validation.

To help you build conviction, so you aren't so easily harmed, and to help you acquire the validation that all of us desire, could you tell us which criticisms bother you the most and why they're wrong? Some of us might have disagreements with you and you might be wrong about some things, but to acquire anything, you must be willing to grow and to work through the prospect of pain.

WOW what an amazing post!

Like others I have been thinking about suicide since I was 10 .
I'm now 52 ,
After a very emotional weekend with my wife I decided to come out to our best friends of 20 odd years
hoping that my wife would finally have someone to perhaps talk to and supports her.
She has been dealing with this on her own for 3 years.
My friends wife basically said leave him!
I then get a text from my friend saying how angry he is with me and that I'm going to lose a lot of people over this.
So not only are they no support but now I worry they will out me!
Have I thought about suicide over this   yes will I do it who knows
We all go through bad stages this is my time a guess

Kiwi

Quote from: stephaniec on June 01, 2016, 11:22:10 AM
I've thought about suicide 24/7 since I was in grade school and I'm 64 years old. Thoughts of  of suicide have been my companion for ever since I can remember , but I've never done it because I make it past the darkness  so far and come back to the light.

Honey, this is a wpnderful succinct summary of continuous low-level suicide thoughts that you have managed well enough to still be here. HUGS yes this sounds much like me in this regard although for me not quite as early as grade school -- cannot recall exactly when but it has been there to some degree for me for quite awhile, too.

Hugs,
Jennifer Lopezgomez

Quote from: ElizabethK on June 01, 2016, 05:22:47 PM
Jennifer I have to applaud you for bringing this topic up and in a way that is not offensive...well not to me anyway.

My first suicide attempt was at 14 I am now 52. I knew then how difficult my life would be, my second was at age 19 because I didn't know I had any other choices but again this was foiled by Luck? After trying desperately to get help I gave up and decided I didn't care and lead a dangerous existence for a number of years with suicide a near thought.

I found my current partner 4 years later and it is she that has kept my sanity intact for most of the last 30 years. But 2 years ago I was back thinking about another attempt because I could see no way out with out destroying my life. But here is the weird thing

In 2000 I lay on a hospital bed with my organs systematically shutting down and I was going to die. The Drs could not work out what was wrong because I had been lying to them about what I had been drinking and taking. The pain from this was something akin to being skewered with a hot iron from about mid chest all the way to just above the hips. My pancreas had blocked and was auto-digesting itself and therefore breaking down leaking enzymes and other goodies all through my abdomen, essentially chemically burning my insides, shutting down my kidneys, bowel, liver and damaging most of these along the way. I have been told by cis women who have experienced this that they would rather give birth than have that kind of pain ever again.

I was very motivated to have this pain stop and I find myself in a unique position...I am dying which I can maybe prevent by telling the truth or I can take my exit now...no suicide...just another unfortunate casualty of Alcohol.

I don't know to this day what made me tell them the truth. The end result has been 16 years of chronic pain which is now very well controlled but only in the last 3 years. Until two years ago I had not even considered suicide despite my pain...I found too many other reasons I wanted live and the main one was my family and I don't ever want to find myself in the position again so I am finally in transition mode and doing this has saved my life. I don't want it to sound dramatic but it is a simple fact.

Liz

Hi Elizabeth well thank you honey I feel happy that you don't feel offended by the manner in which I have introduced this thread. At least if anyone IS offended by how I introduced this thread, thank you very much for not replying in a confrontational manner and for allowing our useful discourse to continue at this time. Many people here seem to be responding quite positively to the themes we are discussing. It feels so friendly to me to this point it doesn't even feel like a debate. To me it feels more like an open-ended yet careful sensitive discussion among friends. I feel quite grateful for this. Thank you.

Wow 2 serious genuine attempts as a teenager I feel glad you weren't successful. And then a wonderful partner for DECADES as your bedrock.

Your survival of chronic severe physical pain for years is rather amazing.

YES you like me Elizabeth and many other friend I know went on medical HRT and went full time and other key aspects of this journey not as a choice -- more like a life or death decision.  I paid heavy prices and sacrifices to go full time when I did but I would almost for sure jumped from a tall building had I not gone full time when I did.

2 or 3 times just weeks before I went full time Jennifer I leaned physically over the edge of a tall building without guardrails. I decided that I wanted to feel essential happiness as full time Jennifer so I didn't jump -- I moved to a far away location and went full time where people only knew me as Jennifer. I will NEVER "go back" I am Jennifer for the rest of my life.

I truly believe you Elizabeth when you say this transition has saved your life, from pain or even suicide. Me too. As I recounted in the last paragraph.

Hugs to you,
Jennifer Lopezgomez

Quote from: JenniferLopezgomez on June 01, 2016, 10:39:20 PM
Hi Elizabeth well thank you honey I feel happy that you don't feel offended by the manner in which I have introduced this thread. At least if anyone IS offended by how I introduced this thread, thank you very much for not replying in a confrontational manner and for allowing our useful discourse to continue at this time. Many people here seem to be responding quite positively to the themes we are discussing. It feels so friendly to me to this point it doesn't even feel like a debate. To me it feels more like an open-ended yet careful sensitive discussion among friends. I feel quite grateful for this. Thank you.

Wow 2 serious genuine attempts as a teenager I feel glad you weren't successful. And then a wonderful partner for DECADES as your bedrock.

Your survival of chronic severe physical pain for years is rather amazing.

YES you like me Elizabeth and many other friend I know went on medical HRT and went full time and other key aspects of this journey not as a choice -- more like a life or death decision.  I paid heavy prices and sacrifices to go full time when I did but I would almost for sure jumped from a tall building had I not gone full time when I did.

2 or 3 times just weeks before I went full time Jennifer I leaned physically over the edge of a tall building without guardrails. I decided that I wanted to feel essential happiness as full time Jennifer so I didn't jump -- I moved to a far away location and went full time where people only knew me as Jennifer. I will NEVER "go back" I am Jennifer for the rest of my life.

I truly believe you Elizabeth when you say this transition has saved your life, from pain or even suicide. Me too. As I recounted in the last paragraph.

Hugs to you,
Jennifer Lopezgomez

Too many of us die at our own hands. I think it is a subject that is important to us all because I doubt there are many here who have not weighed up suicide as an option at some point in their life...sad but true

Liz

Wow. All you people on high ledges and rooftops. I won't let myself near them because the desire to jump is too strong. I apparently can't even keep harmful substances that would be "easy" as I WILL take them in a moment of...I don't even know. I have to keep stopping myself from buying a bunch of stuff with harmful intent.

I have at least some hope for my future, most aspects of my life have never been better. I'm finding joy and fulfillment in the things I do and relationships I make. I get really excited and happy about where my life may be headed. But holy crap do I like hurting myself. I guess I always have but now when I get all emo I come up with new and inventive ways to do so, and it makes me feel better, wtf is THAT?

I push the boundaries and experiment with doing things that aren't determinedly suicidal, but there's some hope that it works out that way, and if not then at least I hurt myself a bit, and expanded my knowledge of...what do you even call it, death-skirting activities, and their effects? The last one has left me nauseous weak and dizzy since Sunday. The nausea part sucks, the rest is kind of nice. It feels kind of like having one foot in the grave or something. It's a feeling that competes with the things I don't want to feel.

I don't want to hurt the people kind enough to care about me, I don't want to die, I don't want to cripple myself, and I don't want to live this life or be me anymore.

I guess it all comes down to having allowed myself to entertain blatantly self harmful thoughts and it just keeps escalating, but that cognitive behavioral crap doesn't work. I -dont- love and accept myself, saying it doesn't make me feel better. It just buys me 5 or 10 minutes of willful denial. The only thing that ever makes me feel better is doing something self destructive, or simply not feeling due to unconsciousness.

At this point I think I'm freaking out the people that care about me whenever I let any of this show, and causing them to begin distancing themselves emotionally to protect themselves. Or it gets tiring dealing with crazy people. Either way :p

Seriously though I've got to end this cycle I'm in, it's escalating entirely too far and is self-reinforcing it seems. How the hell did I get here?

Bleh I don't know what the point of this post is except to whine. If you mods decide it crosses a line just edit my post to be puppies and kittens, don't lock the thread please.