Quote from: Amato on May 26, 2016, 05:52:31 PM
Sounds like your co worker needs a whooping. Best of luck to you, and Im really sorry you have to go through this. I think for your sake you should show this guy no mercy.

That just goes against my nature.  I am not a religious person but I always tend to turn the other cheek, just don't slap it or this kitty will show her claws.

Quote from: FTMax on May 26, 2016, 06:03:26 PM
What may also be a good idea if you're concerned about this potentially becoming a larger issue with all the bathroom nonsense going on, is ask HR if they will conduct a diversity/inclusivity training session with the whole staff (not necessarily focused just on trans folks, could include other types of identity like race, ethnicity, religion, sexuality, etc. - there are plenty of workshop ideas out there that include everything like that). It shows that management wants to foster a positive working community and that disrespect is not tolerated among coworkers.

He's a grown man who made his choice, he should have to bear the consequences of it. My worry would be if your sit down goes poorly and he decides to mouth off to other coworkers. I think doing some kind of office-wide training to preempt that kind of behavior would be a good move.

They had a training session after I officially came out, unless they can get someone to do it for free I don't think its possible.

He willfully disrespected you.  If the company allows it to stand they tacitly endorse it and it will happen again.


Sapere Aude

 There has been some excellent advice in your responses, thank you everyone.

Quote from: Deborah on May 26, 2016, 07:26:57 PM
He willfully disrespected you.  If the company allows it to stand they tacitly endorse it and it will happen again.


Sapere Aude

I really think getting together to talk with the HR and my manger will be enough to correct his behavior. If that fails other measures will be taken. 

Quote from: Stevie on May 26, 2016, 07:31:51 PM
I really think getting together to talk with the HR and my manger will be enough to correct his behavior. If that fails other measures will be taken.

Good on you Steph. Stay strong. [emoji12]


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I hope everything works out for you.   People of his type have been posting on the internet that we have a "mental illness" and argue that they will not "indulge" our "sickness."   He was making a poltical point and if you dont face it strongly, others so inclined, but hiding it will be emboldened.   I dont think you have to go for blood, but just make it clear that you do not want to be insulted.  Good luck!!

 I had a hard time writing this as I know many will disagree with how I am handling it.  I transitioned to be happier living as who I am, not become bitter and resentful toward the world. 
I decided to just let this go this time.  Why would I do that? I will try to explain as convoluted as my logic may seem.  The place where I work we have all known each other for years we are also a small company. I have worked with this man for years never had a problem with him . Early in my transition before I came out officially  I was gradually  presenting more female as I lost weight, he came up and asked if I was happier like this I replied yes and he said that it showed. So he has displayed some emotional capacity.
  What good would come of doing something punitive to him? Will he suddenly see the error of his ways and treat trans people with respect?
Doubtful what I think the reaction would be is to get angry about how trans people are forcing their agenda ( btw what agenda? I'm just trying to live) on him and he would then spread that hate with righteous indignation. I have not treated him any differently since the incident. I have always been helpful and kind to everyone, that continues last week I went in over the holiday weekend to help test some stuff so he could spend the holiday with his family. 
I know he knows what he said was wrong and that HR is aware of it, he sees me talking to my friend in HR everyday.
I feel that it may be possible to get him to see that we are not something to feared, and that knowing a trans person was a positive experience that he might share with others. I know this may seem a weak response to this and some of you think this would never happen.
  Of course this gets all thrown out the window if he says something again.

Quote from: Stevie on May 26, 2016, 04:11:39 PM
Most of the cis people I have talked to about it think I am over reacting and say I have to see it from their perspective and how hard it is for them to get it right since they  have known me so long...

Well, they would say that. Try misgendering them and see how they like it.

Quote from: Stevie on June 04, 2016, 02:54:36 AM
I had a hard time writing this as I know many will disagree with how I am handling it.

You have to handle it however you see best to.

A bit over a year ago I had a horrid experience with a women's only gym... I was going to write a complaint, then I wasn't, then I was, then I wasn't, then by the time I did too much time had passed so I dropped it. Would doing something have done anything positive? Hard to say. I feel I should have and that I should have acted sooner. A lot of cis gender people really need to be called out on their small minded, arrogant BS, just like homophobes had to be, sexists misogynists had to be, racists had to be...

Quote from: Stevie on June 04, 2016, 02:54:36 AM
I had a hard time writing this as I know many will disagree with how I am handling it.  I transitioned to be happier living as who I am, not become bitter and resentful toward the world. 
I decided to just let this go this time.  Why would I do that? I will try to explain as convoluted as my logic may seem.  The place where I work we have all known each other for years we are also a small company. I have worked with this man for years never had a problem with him . Early in my transition before I came out officially  I was gradually  presenting more female as I lost weight, he came up and asked if I was happier like this I replied yes and he said that it showed. So he has displayed some emotional capacity.
  What good would come of doing something punitive to him? Will he suddenly see the error of his ways and treat trans people with respect?
Doubtful what I think the reaction would be is to get angry about how trans people are forcing their agenda ( btw what agenda? I'm just trying to live) on him and he would then spread that hate with righteous indignation. I have not treated him any differently since the incident. I have always been helpful and kind to everyone, that continues last week I went in over the holiday weekend to help test some stuff so he could spend the holiday with his family. 
I know he knows what he said was wrong and that HR is aware of it, he sees me talking to my friend in HR everyday.
I feel that it may be possible to get him to see that we are not something to feared, and that knowing a trans person was a positive experience that he might share with others. I know this may seem a weak response to this and some of you think this would never happen.
  Of course this gets all thrown out the window if he says something again.

Hi Steph, none of us has the right to judge you or anyone else. You posted your experience here to gain replies to help you understand your position and go forward direction.
You are a strong person and you have made a decision based on input from us and your own experience.
Good on you for being you.
Look out your workmate if there is another indiscretion.



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Sitting behind my keyboard I would like to imagine myself unleashing hell on that guy.  In reality, knowing myself, I probably would have handled it in exactly the same way.  So, good for you. :-)


Sapere Aude

If I was in the same situation, I probably would have handled it the same as well.  In my experience with one on one conflicts, it's amazing how much can resolved over a coffee (or a beer).  A simple low stress conversation can reveal the real reasons behind the situation.


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 Thank you all, your help  and understanding is greatly appreciated.
Love ya all
Steph

Quote from: Stevie on May 26, 2016, 04:11:39 PM
  Most of the cis people I have talked to about it think I am over reacting and say I have to see it from their perspective and how hard it is for them to get it right since they  have known me so long, I have to explain to them there is a big difference between a mistake and what he did. What they fail to understand is I spent 50 years of my life trying to live by their perspective and it nearly killed me. I am a very empathetic and I think some people perceive that as a weakness to be used against me.
Steph

Look they are just trying to ineptly peacekeep but the action is misplaced. Unless you are misrepresenting the interaction with your coworker, he did not make an accidental slipup, he deliberately went out of his way to repeatedly disrespect you. I mean what skin is it off his nose to just address you by your name? None, that's what. That wasn't a mistake, and your cis coworkers should not be trying to convince you that it was.

Quote from: Stevie on May 25, 2016, 09:08:10 AM
I am going to have HR talk with him today. It really seems that people are treating me differently since all this restroom nonsense flared up.

Better to nip it in the bud now, rather than wait and force HR into the position of having to fire half the crew.

Let them make one good, burned-at-the-stake example, and everyone else will pull their heads out of their backsides.

Better sooner than later, imho.

You are not responsible for his family, he is.

Quote from: Beth Andrea on June 04, 2016, 03:57:18 PM
Better to nip it in the bud now, rather than wait and force HR into the position of having to fire half the crew.

Let them make one good, burned-at-the-stake example, and everyone else will pull their heads out of their backsides.

Better sooner than later, imho.

You are not responsible for his family, he is.

My sentiments exactly.

All I can say is good luck. I hope you know what your doing. I have a very strong feeling he will take advantage of this kindness to hurt you, but only time will tell now.

It's your situation, you have to handle it how you know best.

I can't say I would do it that way. I had a coworker who told me flat out she wasn't going to use correct pronouns. I told her that I'm not going to put up with her bullying. I have rights. I would report her. Since then she's ignored me, but that's just fine by me. I'm not taking any crap off people at work should it arise, and I don't have to.

Quote from: Maria77 on May 27, 2016, 01:35:38 AM
I hope everything works out for you.   People of his type have been posting on the internet that we have a "mental illness" and argue that they will not "indulge" our "sickness." 

It's interesting that people say this, but at the same time, some people's stubbornness to not accept a transperson and be as obstructive as they can at every turn also suggests a mental malady on their part.

"I won't call an apple an orange!" I hear plenty, but it's really a political statement as you say that just doesn't need to be taken to such childish lengths. People need to leave trans people be if they're law abiding and just doing their job. What happened to the freedom to pursue happiness as long as you're not hurting someone else.

Hi Steph,
Thanks for sharing your story, as painful as it is.  This site is of course very bias on one side and what is needed is perspective from his side.

Give me a sec...

Nope wait...ummmm

What if he is really a nice guy and was just having a bad day and snapped at you? Yeah..

Nope that won't fly either. People can have bad days but he did the equivalent of calling a African American the Nword.... And we know that is sooooo uncool you never never do that riiiiiight?

I understand and respect that you want harmony in the workplace but by dropping this you have tacitly reinforced bigotry in your workplace. I know we all can't be Joan of Arc but if you at least get HR to record a complaint it will help you, when You have to deal with the player ground bully again. Sorry to be so negatively prophetic