Hey all. So latley I have been having an identity crisis. For years I lived as a masculine manly male (especially in late teens). I chose to live this  way because I was kinda.... well, I don't know. I guess it was something I felt expected od me and I needed to do so. At first I wasn't too depressed about it, though in hindsight i see I was not truly happy. As the years went on I started to get the dysphoria part and it killed. But I pushed it off and off until I just kinda exploded and came out as a female. Obivsly it was hard at first, I mean many years being super manly to trying to be a womanly spirit was kinda difficult. But I knew what wasn't working and decided to keep going. I was not on hrt at this point so it was still difficult to adjust. As one would suspect as soon as I got all my hrt my anxiety drindled, dysphoria too. I love slower growing body hair, almost no boners and peace in me **. The astists are due to persistent worries over what I am doing is right. Am I being a woman because it's how I truly feel, or are my close family right that it's because of my:autism, so I'm just obsessing over this or that I had a ->-bleeped-<-ty male role model (step dad) and I am running away from being a man. It sounds silly but I can't get it out of my head, because inused to really trust these people. So at first I doubted myself and would swing to male mode and be a bit more masculine. It was difficult, not even so much emotionally but mentally. It was hard to get back into that mindset. When I did at first infelt like this overdrive feel and a manicish high then the drop and then the dysphoria so I swinged back to female again but the guilt, shame ect made me do another n180. After a few weeks of this i discovered that it ain't working as I would get physically sick (I would vomit from distressed in masculine male mode among other things). So I came across a discover. I am best either in female mode or femme boy mode. In femme boy, I present kinda male, yet I still dress in female clothing (tbh I probably dress like a skater girl or something xD) and still axt feminine  yet accept I have a male body (for now). I still wish to continue low dose hrt, finish laser, ect but presenting as a woman 24/7 brings a lot of anxiety (bathrooms, interactions with customers at work, ect) and being femme boy I can still be me. Tho even as femme boy I still get moments of dysphoria it's no where near as severe as manly man ->-bleeped-<-e   is this normal too? How can I also work on anxietys regarding transition?

I also have a hard time wrestling with this question. My therapist told me "Don't worry about labels". Yeah! Easy for her to say

This old dinosaur spent a good part of her life playing chameleon. Aside from jocks or other sports 'Enthusiasts' I can blend in. I had no choice but to blend in as a male. And... I done good. I have a very well established male life.

Yet for decades it wasn't 'Me'. I always had this major female aspect of my self that I need to bury. Heaven forbid I slip up and someone figures out I'm "One of Those  ". It gets tiring. Eventually the dysphoria wins the battle. Which it did with me

When it did, I knew I needed to figure out how to make those two great aspects of me live happily together inside my body. I knew without a doubt since I was a kid, I should have been a girl. I wasn't, so what's Plan B? I'm now on Plan C, maybe D.

Between my career, which is more like I cannot believe they pay me to have fun; and my life partner, BFF, soul mate and reality therapist, if I fully transition I stand to loose both. But I also need to survive.

I found that if I think "I am Transgender" (I'll show my age, "I am a Transsexual Woman"), the next thing you say to yourself is "Now What?" Well, If I am a TS, it's fully transitioning. At least that is that is what "They" say you need to do.

Over the decades I found low dose HRT to be a lifesaver. Now, with full dose, I find joy living in my body. I have learned after many years of hard work I can actually maybe make it going full time.

Great... except for one minor thing. I may want to, but I don't really need to. Everyone in my group who did needed to. Basically they had 2 choices, transition or die. One had a do-over. Luckily, I am not at that point.

Oh I want to, I think. Yet, there are so many aspects of my "Male" aspect I like and stand a good chance of loosing. Respect for my abilities being the biggest, after a wife that may eventually cannot stay on the roller-coaster.

If I say I am a TS there is an implication the "End Game" is fully transitioning. BUT, If I say I am Non-Binary...... well then I am not 'Expected' to transition. I am "Allowed(?)" to be somewhere on the spectrum between cis-female and cis-male. In fact, I can be both female and male in my presentation.

What never changes for me is how I think or feel about myself. Case in point. Both of my therapist have asked me "What would be different or change if Joanne showed up to work tomorrow". Both times when asked I had the same instant answer "Nothing... other then wearing a skirt", after the dropped jaws and WTF Years ago I was two different people. After a lot of hard work I am finally one whole healthy and mostly happy person.

Might I be happier if I transition? Not if I loose a lot of other things that make me happy presenting as male. Guaranteed if I "Needed" to, I will as a matter of survival. Today, I can survive better as a male.

Yesterday I was dying inside not being me

I think you need to explore until you find the space which makes you most comfortable in your own skin. For some of us it is a lifelong challenge. You are not alone.

You are not alone, Jasper!