There's no way out of my situation. I can't get money to start hrt. I can't move away from my parents who continue to put pressure on me. I've to every low/entry job in my area and nothing and I mean nothing will hire me and I can't do a whole lot since I can't drive and unable to get my license (I'm 24 btw). I'm nothing but a worthless screw up all i've managed to do with my life is get a wothless two year degree that doesn't do anything to help get a job. I'm not even good at anything except for reading maps and able to locate Azerbaijan on a map but other than that there's nothing I'm good at and trust me I've tried many many many many things in the last 6 to 7 years. I'm as unemployable as all get out and unfortunately there's no alternative options except go homeless and die and there's no assitance I qualify for unless I relocate to a state that more expensive to live in and if I do that I'll be homeless. And to make things worse I'll never be able to transition ever I'm doomed to live as a "guy" forever I'm never gonna be a the girl that I always been. It pains me more to see how much more support the younger generations are getting and here I am forced back into the closet after trying to come out. If the timing wasn't so bad right now I think I would comteplate suicide right now I wish I can just die in my sleep and get out of this current misery I'm stuck in.

Depression is a nasty condition and its most nasty effect is robbing you from seeing any hope at all. People who suffer from depression get a distorted view of the world. Their illness shows them a life where everything will always be the same, nothing will ever improve.

Life isn't that way. There are lots of ways to improve our lives, though none of them are quick or simple.

I hope you can look beyond your depression and make some long term plans. It's not easy. It starts with valuing yourself.

You are a beautiful, valuable, important human being. The world benefits mightily from your presence, though it's so hard to see that when you're depressed. You are precious and worthy of love, from yourself first and foremost.

Can you nurture yourself like you would a precious child? Tell yourself you are worthy and special and deserving of all good things that will come your way?

   Azerbaijan? good choice, I like their albums very much too! I know, not really funny but hey, I tried. Ok, people telling you you should do this and that when you feel there's nothing you can do is fkn annoying I know that but I gotta think of myself a bit here too and feel useful if just a bit sooo here I go. Money, move away, unemployable, no license, worthless degree, homeless, die, relocate, etc... Well, seen like that you're right I guess, not much hope here so good luck, can't help you JUST KIDDING! My opinion? too many fights at the same time in your head. How about looking for work away from the pressure providers, in a state where you could get help and live in peace but first work, then move, etc... one at a time but for now did you try crying your sh_t emotions out? works for me. Well, that's it I guess but one more thing, how 'bout a boring and useless quote such as: ''Success is simly trying one more time than you failed.'' ha ha, told you, corny thus much more fun!

                                                Take care sweet and be good to yourself. Love, Rose.

Emily, that's the depression talking, and it lies. You need some support and help with your depression before you start applying for jobs again. There are alternatives to retail, like trade apprenticeship (and some trades pay very well) as well as working for yourself by picking up piece work on Craigslist and job boards. But I doubt you would be successful at that while super depressed, so treat your depression like the emergency it is.

Living with parents stinks ... do you have any friends who would take you in? Anything to get out of your rut. Sometimes a change of scenery IS the change you need. I know people say otherwise, but I found that moving to another city with friends was just the change I needed.

If you were homeless but could get hormones through Medicaid wouldn't your situation actually be better? The dysphoria is helping to keep you depressed. So are your unfeeling parents. They think they can wait your ->-bleeped-<- out. Nonsensical.

You need a plan. First step, call Trans Lifeline and talk to somebody. Call a suicide hotline if you can't get through there. You need to work on this depression because it is telling you demotivating lies every day that sound truthy enough that you believe them.

You ARE the younger gen, there IS support out there. You might want to reach out on tumblr, too. There are a lot of people your age going through the same stuff (yes, there are a lot of people on tumblr who have family support that you don't, but if anything I think the folks who don't get support from their family are spending more quality time on tumblr than those who do).

I have ridden that depression demon many, many times. I know I could not fix anything in my life until I faced the depression head on. Otherwise, it would sabotage anything I tried to accomplish. Depression sucks, really, it sucks you down a sinkhole and you can't see your way out. Fight it! Depression is a liar!

Quote from: Roses and Songs on June 14, 2016, 06:32:27 AM
   Azerbaijan? good choice, I like their albums very much too! I know, not really funny but hey, I tried. Ok, people telling you you should do this and that when you feel there's nothing you can do is fkn annoying I know that but I gotta think of myself a bit here too and feel useful if just a bit sooo here I go. Money, move away, unemployable, no license, worthless degree, homeless, die, relocate, etc... Well, seen like that you're right I guess, not much hope here so good luck, can't help you JUST KIDDING! My opinion? too many fights at the same time in your head. How about looking for work away from the pressure providers, in a state where you could get help and live in peace but first work, then move, etc... one at a time but for now did you try crying your sh_t emotions out? works for me. Well, that's it I guess but one more thing, how 'bout a boring and useless quote such as: ''Success is simly trying one more time than you failed.'' ha ha, told you, corny thus much more fun!

                                                Take care sweet and be good to yourself. Love, Rose.

Actually I like your since of humor I chuckled at that first sentence. Wish it were that easy to get away to another state like Washington or Oregon but those places are just too expensive for someone with little wealth and skills to live I would be indeed be homeless if I relocate and efforts to save up more money to prevent that has been bust.

Quote from: AnxietyDisord3r on June 14, 2016, 08:09:30 AM
Emily, that's the depression talking, and it lies. You need some support and help with your depression before you start applying for jobs again. There are alternatives to retail, like trade apprenticeship (and some trades pay very well) as well as working for yourself by picking up piece work on Craigslist and job boards. But I doubt you would be successful at that while super depressed, so treat your depression like the emergency it is.

Living with parents stinks ... do you have any friends who would take you in? Anything to get out of your rut. Sometimes a change of scenery IS the change you need. I know people say otherwise, but I found that moving to another city with friends was just the change I needed.

If you were homeless but could get hormones through Medicaid wouldn't your situation actually be better? The dysphoria is helping to keep you depressed. So are your unfeeling parents. They think they can wait your ->-bleeped-<- out. Nonsensical.

You need a plan. First step, call Trans Lifeline and talk to somebody. Call a suicide hotline if you can't get through there. You need to work on this depression because it is telling you demotivating lies every day that sound truthy enough that you believe them.

You ARE the younger gen, there IS support out there. You might want to reach out on tumblr, too. There are a lot of people your age going through the same stuff (yes, there are a lot of people on tumblr who have family support that you don't, but if anything I think the folks who don't get support from their family are spending more quality time on tumblr than those who do).

I have ridden that depression demon many, many times. I know I could not fix anything in my life until I faced the depression head on. Otherwise, it would sabotage anything I tried to accomplish. Depression sucks, really, it sucks you down a sinkhole and you can't see your way out. Fight it! Depression is a liar!

Honestly I could probably handle being homeless if it meant being able to start hrt while being homeless if I were in a stare like Washington I would more than qualify for Medicaid.

As for pursuing a trade I need to finally make an admission I can't handle jobs like that and that's not depression talking either it's my past experiences talking and the fact I'm not physically strong and wear out easily.

Anyhow I doubt I'm ever gonna be able to do hrt and my body is never gonna be feminine like it should be. 

I know depression real well,so well we became best buds and worked out a compromise..I know I always suggest truck driving,the reason I do is you have a place to sleep,make excellent money and the job is easy..You say you can read maps that's a good skill right their,i have the USA atlas memorized,I Was a trucker for 7yrs and came across a few transgender working to make money and the health insurance is great with a few companies. My son is transgender and a trucker for swift makes great money and has blue cross blue shield. I know of he can do it almost anyone can do it.

Why are you unable to get a driver's license?  Is it something medical like a seizure disorder?  Or is learning to drive a car something you tried and there was a problem somewhere along the way -- like passing the written test, or learning the mechanics of operating the vehicle?

You are plenty articulate at the keyboard.  I've never seen any bad grammar or misspellings in your posts.  You are obviously intelligent. 

My wife is an immigrant from the Southern Philippines.  English is not her first language.  She spoke Cebuano at home and English at school.  And she only rode in a car a few times in her life before she came to America and married me.  It took her six tries, but she passed the California DMV written test in English.  So I don't see why the written DMV test would have been a problem for you.  It also took her five tries to pass the road test.  Now, 13 years later, she drives better than I do.  We recently drove L.A. to Seattle and traded off driving all the way up there.

And given that you like video games (evidenced by your avatar), there seems to be no problem with manual dexterity either.   And if you said that was a problem, well -- for 13 years of my life (until he passed on ), my best friend was a dwarf who had scoliosis, two club feet, and limited use of his hands, and he not only drove a car, he raced it at the drag strip.

The reason I say this is, my wife got turned down for a lot of jobs too after she first arrived here.  Until she got her driver's license.  Then she got hired immediately.

A driver's license could be your ticket to prosperity and transition.

Quote from: CarlyMcx on June 14, 2016, 04:31:07 PM
Why are you unable to get a driver's license?  Is it something medical like a seizure disorder?  Or is learning to drive a car something you tried and there was a problem somewhere along the way -- like passing the written test, or learning the mechanics of operating the vehicle?

I guess it's maybe a problem with learning the mechanics like I have trouble with braking I either hit the brakes too hard or not enough I don't know how to time my stops correctly. There's also issues with steering like keeping the vehicle steady I don't know how people do it. Last I do admit that driving scares me.

I'm sorry that this all I ever post about 

Quote from: EmilyRyan on June 14, 2016, 12:28:44 PM
As for pursuing a trade I need to finally make an admission I can't handle jobs like that and that's not depression talking either it's my past experiences talking and the fact I'm not physically strong and wear out easily.

Good point, though I wear out easily due to a messed up immune system and I was still able to pursue a driving job. Have you thought about driving rapid transit (rail)? Not physically demanding, but you will have to work 40 hours. You may have more stamina if you address the depression, though. Depression is very physically debilitating. I find I have more physical stamina and sleep less since starting HRT, as well.

Seattle, WA has a few rail jobs and a lot of bus driver jobs. (King County Metro) I don't know if they do lottery or conventional hiring--why not check it out? Winter in Seattle is less harsh than some other places and summer far less brutal and they have a lot of resources for homeless people but why not try for a job knowing the safety net is better than at home.

Home: no HRT

WA or OR: even if you lose your job, you can still get HRT

Quote from: EmilyRyan on June 14, 2016, 05:37:23 PM
I guess it's maybe a problem with learning the mechanics like I have trouble with braking I either hit the brakes too hard or not enough I don't know how to time my stops correctly. There's also issues with steering like keeping the vehicle steady I don't know how people do it. Last I do admit that driving scares me.

I can't tell from here but sounds like you could have an anxiety disorder. That's best case scenario because anxiety is very treatable. Have you ever pursued treatment for anxiety? I started off with talk therapy (CBT) and had enormous success. There are chemical therapies as well.

Quote from: suzifrommd on June 14, 2016, 05:14:35 AM
Depression is a nasty condition and its most nasty effect is robbing you from seeing any hope at all. People who suffer from depression get a distorted view of the world. Their illness shows them a life where everything will always be the same, nothing will ever improve.

Life isn't that way. There are lots of ways to improve our lives, though none of them are quick or simple.

I hope you can look beyond your depression and make some long term plans. It's not easy. It starts with valuing yourself.

You are a beautiful, valuable, important human being. The world benefits mightily from your presence, though it's so hard to see that when you're depressed. You are precious and worthy of love, from yourself first and foremost.

Can you nurture yourself like you would a precious child? Tell yourself you are worthy and special and deserving of all good things that will come your way?

wow that was so wonderful to read. inspiring, filled with truth and ... just wow. Thank you very much for this

Quote from: AnxietyDisord3r on June 15, 2016, 07:14:18 AM
I can't tell from here but sounds like you could have an anxiety disorder. That's best case scenario because anxiety is very treatable. Have you ever pursued treatment for anxiety? I started off with talk therapy (CBT) and had enormous success. There are chemical therapies as well.

Sometimes I think I do as well. Problem with pursuing treatment is that my parents and the type don't believe in the type of therapy for treating depression and anxiety they believe just giving pep talk helps though it can help just not long term.   

Quote from: EmilyRyan on June 14, 2016, 05:37:23 PM
I guess it's maybe a problem with learning the mechanics like I have trouble with braking I either hit the brakes too hard or not enough I don't know how to time my stops correctly. There's also issues with steering like keeping the vehicle steady I don't know how people do it. Last I do admit that driving scares me.

You definitely have something going on, but whether it is anxiety and depression, or something more serious like high functioning autism and/or dyspraxia, I could not say, and neither could anyone else unless you get diagnosed and treated.

So, two things to say here:  I am sure that your parents want you gainfully employed and self supporting, and maybe if you couch treatment of anxiety or whatever it is in terms of how it will help you get and keep a job, then they may be more supportive of treatment.

Second, how many hours did you spend behind the wheel before either you gave up on driving or the person trying to teach you gave up?  It took a long, long time and a lot of work to teach my wife how to keep a car going in a straight line.  We spent months circling an empty parking lot.  My former stepdaughter was just as bad -- she hit a curb with my car and blew a tire.  And even after she got her license she was hyper nervous behind the wheel for a long time.

Quote from: CarlyMcx on June 15, 2016, 03:49:05 PM
You definitely have something going on, but whether it is anxiety and depression, or something more serious like high functioning autism and/or dyspraxia, I could not say, and neither could anyone else unless you get diagnosed and treated.

So, two things to say here:  I am sure that your parents want you gainfully employed and self supporting, and maybe if you couch treatment of anxiety or whatever it is in terms of how it will help you get and keep a job, then they may be more supportive of treatment.

Second, how many hours did you spend behind the wheel before either you gave up on driving or the person trying to teach you gave up?  It took a long, long time and a lot of work to teach my wife how to keep a car going in a straight line.  We spent months circling an empty parking lot.  My former stepdaughter was just as bad -- she hit a curb with my car and blew a tire.  And even after she got her license she was hyper nervous behind the wheel for a long time.

Before I gave up I would spend at least two days a week for about two to four hours each of those days practicing. I did that from age 16 till I was 21. At that time my dad needed the car I was using to get to work due to getting rid of his truck cause it was having problems. Since that time the car has been damaged due to a deer running into it and my dad decided to get rid of it last month the damage was that bad.

I often wander if I do have some high functioning form of autism but my parents can never be convinced to get me tested that's something I'll have to do when I can finally get on my own. 

Quote from: EmilyRyan on June 14, 2016, 02:52:21 AM
There's no way out of my situation. I can't get money to start hrt. I can't move away from my parents who continue to put pressure on me. I've to every low/entry job in my area and nothing and I mean nothing will hire me and I can't do a whole lot since I can't drive and unable to get my license (I'm 24 btw). I'm nothing but a worthless screw up all i've managed to do with my life is get a wothless two year degree that doesn't do anything to help get a job. I'm not even good at anything except for reading maps and able to locate Azerbaijan on a map but other than that there's nothing I'm good at and trust me I've tried many many many many things in the last 6 to 7 years. I'm as unemployable as all get out and unfortunately there's no alternative options except go homeless and die and there's no assitance I qualify for unless I relocate to a state that more expensive to live in and if I do that I'll be homeless. And to make things worse I'll never be able to transition ever I'm doomed to live as a "guy" forever I'm never gonna be a the girl that I always been. It pains me more to see how much more support the younger generations are getting and here I am forced back into the closet after trying to come out. If the timing wasn't so bad right now I think I would comteplate suicide right now I wish I can just die in my sleep and get out of this current misery I'm stuck in.

At 24 you should still be able to get on your parents insurance, or perhaps you already have it. Make a date with your medical plan to schedule a trip to the therapist. It should be only a $10 or $20 copay. Do it first thing tomorrow. More than transitioning, at this point you need a lot of emotional support. Nobody is as bad as you say. Everyone has a talent. Including you. There is nothing wrong with an AA degree. Yes you won't go to work as the CEO but you should be able to parlay your AA into an entry level position. Unless you change your attitude you will turn this cry for help into a self fulfilling prophecy of doom and gloom.  Good Luck.

  Ok, my turn, I have my license but no car, I would like to travel but I have no money, I would like to cry but I have no tears left but worst of all, I would like to have someone to talk to, a shoulder to rest my sorry head on... but I have no one. My father came out as gay in 1977, they divorced and never did any of us imagined not inviting him and his boyfriend at family events. Well, I transitioned 6 1/2 years ago and we never met, he doesn't want to see me at all and I heard that he still calls me by my old name. So, when my sister or my mom or friends of the family make a supper or a party or it's christmas or someone's birthday who is invited and who is not. This is so uncomfortable, it is not socialy proper to feel down and to talk about it and I was always told to shove it up so I'm fighting with myself right now but I have to do this, get some weight off my drawer of untold history. The few friends I had all disappeared too but slowly like they were too tired or they had somethig else to do or maybe some other time, etc so tonight I'm alone and I'm lonely and I would like to talk and I would like to cry but I can't. If I died here tonight, heart attack for example, it is my landlord coming to collect the rent who would find me next month, sad thought don't you think? Ok that's enough, I feel like I'm bothering the whole world so, thanks, bye Rose.


Mod Edit:Language

If it makes a difference, I'm 22 and haven't been able to leave the house for about a year a half due to extreme generalized anxiety, panic attacks, depression and dysphoria (I've been officially diagnosed with the first two). I've had anxiety/panic attacks since forever (genetic). My parents know mental health is a real thing, which does help in that aspect.
I got a part time job after high school graduation, but don't work there anymore (no further education). I still live with my anti-lgbt* parents and can't drive either. I've tried to get my permit, but had panic attacks while there and failed each time. I just gave up on trying until I can get help for my mental conditions.
I'm on my parents insurance, but am currently trying to figure out if I have secondary insurance or not before I schedule an appointment for therapy.
Considering I'm dealing with this crap too, I can just recommend what I'm trying to do. Try to see a therapist/doctor as soon as possible, and express how you feel. Both could help you progress either with medication, someone to talk to, a diagnosis, or even to start a plan to transition. If your parents won't take you, try to say you need to go for another reason (anything to just get in there). Something that helps me is trying to focus on my end goals. Good luck and keep trying.

Quote from: sigsi on June 15, 2016, 08:13:13 PM
If it makes a difference, I'm 22 and haven't been able to leave the house for about a year a half due to extreme generalized anxiety, panic attacks, depression and dysphoria (I've been officially diagnosed with the first two). I've had anxiety/panic attacks since forever (genetic). My parents know mental health is a real thing, which does help in that aspect.
I got a part time job after high school graduation, but don't work there anymore (no further education). I still live with my anti-lgbt* parents and can't drive either. I've tried to get my permit, but had panic attacks while there and failed each time. I just gave up on trying until I can get help for my mental conditions.
I'm on my parents insurance, but am currently trying to figure out if I have secondary insurance or not before I schedule an appointment for therapy.
Considering I'm dealing with this crap too, I can just recommend what I'm trying to do. Try to see a therapist/doctor as soon as possible, and express how you feel. Both could help you progress either with medication, someone to talk to, a diagnosis, or even to start a plan to transition. If your parents won't take you, try to say you need to go for another reason (anything to just get in there). Something that helps me is trying to focus on my end goals. Good luck and keep trying.

   Thank you so much sigsi, all I need is someone to talk to once in a while, I feel like this about 1 day a month, the other 30 I'm the happiest chick in town. I'm 58 now and I have a very cool apartment, no money problems, transitioned 6 1/2 years ago, hrt for the last 4 1/2, after 1 meeting my psy diagnosed that I didn't need therapy and no medication. I probably will never see my divorced parents again so if they ever want me back I will have to tell them: Go <Not Permitted>. So I hope it tells you better where I am now. I had 3 panic attacks in my life, all in the same 2 weeks and they were caused by having been rejected much too often but that was 2 years ago, and that's why I get lonely sometimes, for now I prefer being lonely once in a while rather than being rejected by people I'm trying to make friends with so tonight was one of those days but I'm doing OK, no need to worry but thanks for your kindness, feels like for once, someone cares and yes, you made a difference. I never had it as hard as you but I can understand and I'm with you with all my heart. I'll write you when I feel better. Take care, love Rose.

Mod Edit:Language

I'm wondering if anyone here happens to live in the Nashville area