yea, I thought it was just out of reach.

Although I never really understood what trans meant... I knew I was different, just didnt know how or why. I remember a tv show called Real People back in the late 70s.... it had a man and wife who both transitioned and I was like "Oh wow, they can do that!" At that age (around 10) I really didnt know what or how.... but it was a bit of a relief in a way...

Oh, how I prayed...  I did not learn that gender transition was a thing until I saw Dr. Renee Richards on TV in 1981 or therabouts.  I made three attempts at transitioning.  1982 (research at my college library, stopped by lack of funds and geography), 1989 (much more in depth research, had a good job and the funds, but learned that gender identity disorder was a mental illness, which would have meant loss of professional license and job), and 1998 or so (dressing, online research, online identity, stopped due to child custody fight).

Things seemed pretty good as a guy from 1999-2005, then the panic attacks started.  I fought a war with myself and finally ran up the white flag eighteen months ago.  It took a year to convince my wife to let me go for hormone therapy.  Now here I am, one week on hormones and giddy as a teenage girl.

I am somewhat enigmatic when it comes to defining "Growing Up". Was it  4 y/o when mom first said "Boy's don't wear skirts"? Or 14ish when mom shanghaied me to a shrink after finding my stash of clothes for the THIRD time? 20 ish  for my first transition experiment as I left uni? Or 4 years later after that failed experiment and a failed marriage? Or, a few years later after a long engagement was called off because I wasn't a 'Real Man' and experimented again?

Or, Is it Today, after seven years of hard work towards becoming a for real person? Also known as FINALLY almost growing up after some... almost 60 years on this third rock from the sun? Fifth grade for sure.... Maybe 6th.

Can I imagine it?  Yes, if push comes to shove I can and will. Did I ever imagine I could EVER achieve my life long dream of being seen as and accepted as a woman? Hell No. Yet I have, in some many large ways short of the full immersion RLE.

No matter how much life was beaten of of me, I held on to the spark that gave me joy. No matter how wrong or contradictory to reality it seemed. I clung to the only thing I ever wished and prayed for in spite of all the odds. In spite of all the failures. I held on to that one small sliver life could not (completely) beat down

yes it is relentless

No chance.  I was going to die before that happened and would die before anybody ever found out.  I indulged in secret and made small gradual concessions but no way I was going to do that.  NFW
Well, it turns out there are limits to will power and the ability to fight something that is hard wired like that. 

I'm so happy though that I finally gave up and gave in.  Ye gods, the simple joy of being who you are.  It's amazing how fantastic it feels to get rid of a pain you lived with your entire life. 

yes, today I went to the LGBT health clinic in Boys Town in Chicago. I had on a nice black dress and felt the world can't stop me, I felt pretty good.

I had no idea transsexual was a thing. I knew that I was different, my family made that abundantly obvious, but trans, not a clue. Boys don't have long hair, boys don't wear dresses, that is all I knew. I wanted to more than anything but was kept from those things and was even seperated from my girl friends. Puberty was horrible. I was so sure I should have been born a girl and the changes in my body seriously grossed me out. So much so that at age 14 I tried to fix gods little mistake. I always felt ashamed for feeling the way that I did but it really crashed over me then. The hospital stay, no one came to visit or called. (They tried so hard to hide how different I was from the world) Then the shrink for months after that, he didn't even try to hide his disgust for me. I hated myself and tried to lock it down after that.

I had a terrible fear of going to prison. I didn't want to be the way that I was. When I saw a don't let this happen to you documentary on prison, like at 16 or so, there was a two minute part about how .01% of all men who go to prison come out a girl. Oh god I wanted and feared that so bad.

I just had never heard of transsexual, even the documentary didn't mention it. Even if I had I would not have avoided transition. All my life I was told how wrong I was to want to be a girl, that it was not natural and a sin. I stopped dating because it didn't take me long to figure out that I didn't like girls that way and there was no way I could be gay. I hid from it for years even joined the military but I couldn't hide forever. I had isolated myself so much by my mid 20s and was suffering so much by then that if I would have heard of transitioning I would have. I didn't though, I still thought that I was the only one.

I met a girl in my late 20s that was patient and I was able to be with. So I grabbed onto the lifeline and went into hiding again.

By the time that I hit 40 of course I had heard of trans but thought it was just surgery. I didn't know if that was for me but I did know that I couldn't lie to myself anymore. I ended our relationship and resigned myself to a life alone. In less then three years I just wanted it over and thought about suicide constantly. Eventually it got to the point of,"Why not live as a girl at home? Better than killing myself right and I will be alone the rest of my life anyway." Taking the steps that I had avoided for so long, just feeling for one second what I wanted my whole life was all it took. It was like a bell rang inside and a perfect note vibrated through me. I laughed and cried for hours. That was it, the moment that I KNEW. I was going to live my life thereafter a girl. Soooo...

Well, here I am.   No, I never knew, I thought for all of those years that I was hopelessly broken.

One question for everyone. Did you ever try bargaining with god? I did for over 25 years. Just let me wake up a girl, I will do whatever you want. Let me be a girl for a day, a week, a month or as long as I can get and I will be whatever it is you want me to be the rest of my life. Just god please, please, please let me be a girl. Just curious. 

Growing up I never thought I'd transition. I don't know how old I was when I first discovered the term Transgender but I know I was about 8 when I first felt like I wanted to be a girl. But in my childhood everything was very gender segregated. Even though most of my best friends in primary school were girls my parents always encouraged me to make friends with the boys. All I knew was that boys wear blue and have short hair - I used to cry when I knew I was going to the hairdressers.

When I went to secondary school I sort of forced myself to fit in with the guys. I hated (and still hate) the whole 'lad culture' but I assimilated anyway because I didn't want to be picked on - being quite emotionally sensitive and being a muslim is already enough stress!!

I remember one day in summer 2012 I was looking at pictures of transwomen on tumblr and on that day I looked at myself in the mirror and said out loud "You are Transgender. You are going to transition in to a woman." and it felt kind of right. That day I was certain I was going to do it. About a week later I was certain I was not. Then another month went by and I went back to being fairly confident I was going to transition. I've been going through this cycle ever since. Even coming out to my girlfriend and getting the chance to dress up more hasn't helped.

Now I'm 20 and still pre-everything and often I still think I'll never have the freedom or the courage to transition :/

Quote from: Hannah Samira on June 15, 2016, 09:23:48 AM
Growing up I never thought I'd transition. I don't know how old I was when I first discovered the term Transgender but I know I was about 8 when I first felt like I wanted to be a girl. But in my childhood everything was very gender segregated. Even though most of my best friends in primary school were girls my parents always encouraged me to make friends with the boys. All I knew was that boys wear blue and have short hair - I used to cry when I knew I was going to the hairdressers.

When I went to secondary school I sort of forced myself to fit in with the guys. I hated (and still hate) the whole 'lad culture' but I assimilated anyway because I didn't want to be picked on - being quite emotionally sensitive and being a muslim is already enough stress!!

I remember one day in summer 2012 I was looking at pictures of transwomen on tumblr and on that day I looked at myself in the mirror and said out loud "You are Transgender. You are going to transition in to a woman." and it felt kind of right. That day I was certain I was going to do it. About a week later I was certain I was not. Then another month went by and I went back to being fairly confident I was going to transition. I've been going through this cycle ever since. Even coming out to my girlfriend and getting the chance to dress up more hasn't helped.

Now I'm 20 and still pre-everything and often I still think I'll never have the freedom or the courage to transition :/

Oh yes, the childhood going to the hairdresser trauma. Remember it well.

Used to go along to the salon with my mother, and loved it - all these high fashion clients coming down a glass runway into the place, crazy looking stylists with their shoulder pads and spangled jackets and peacock hairstyles, camp men in white jeans, stacks of fashion magazines, loud music, spotlights, people smoking in the lounge area. I thought it was heaven. And then once my mothers hair was done, it was my turn, and no matter how many times I told them to leave my fringe, when it looked up it had been hacked off anyway.

It took me years to trust hairdressers again! It was only once I really got into my twenties that I started enjoying going.

No, I didn't. In fact, if such a thing were even possible for me, that would have been a fantasy come true right there.
I worried alot about my future and growing into adulthood. I worried about how I was going to fit into a gender that was so uncomfortable for me in many future stages of my life. In no way did I think that I was actually going to live as a girl despite all the odds being against me.

The word 'transgender' didn't even exist when I was a kid. Neither did 'transition' in its current context. I heard the word ->-bleeped-<- when I was 16 or so. I didn't know if that was me or not. I didn't learn about
'transexual' until I was after I married. I grew up in the dark, not knowing anything about this. I'm surprised I transitioned so early in life. I didn't even know it was a thing before I had determined I would do it. I learned about hormones and stuff as I went. I look back and wonder how I did what I did.

yes us oldies , but goodies shared a common problem of lack of info.