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Quote from: EmilyRyan on June 15, 2016, 05:11:14 PM
Before I gave up I would spend at least two days a week for about two to four hours each of those days practicing. I did that from age 16 till I was 21. At that time my dad needed the car I was using to get to work due to getting rid of his truck cause it was having problems. Since that time the car has been damaged due to a deer running into it and my dad decided to get rid of it last month the damage was that bad.

I often wander if I do have some high functioning form of autism but my parents can never be convinced to get me tested that's something I'll have to do when I can finally get on my own.

Five years of trying and you still could not learn to effectively control a car?  It sounds like you have something going on.  Bear in mind I am not a shrink and the only thing I know about you is from your posts, so this is just an opinion based on very little information.  I think you have at least some symptoms consistent with autism.  And you have said in other posts that you have a learning disability.

You really need to see a therapist and get diagnosed.

The moment I'm finally away from my parents I plan to providing I can afford to (which is unlikely).

Quote from: EmilyRyan on June 16, 2016, 10:53:21 PM
The moment I'm finally away from my parents I plan to providing I can afford to (which is unlikely).

Hello Emily, (or in french Émilie) it's not clear what you mean but I don't care, I'll tell you what I think anyway: I love to see you talk about future projects, as unlikely as they can be, they are possible. Take me for example, I was very unlikely and now I'm totaly impossible... ha ha. I'm taking pictures right now of my favorite dresses, I'll post them tomorrow. See you, Rose.

PS: Did you hear the new album from Ouzbékistan?

Quote from: EmilyRyan on June 16, 2016, 10:53:21 PM
The moment I'm finally away from my parents I plan to providing I can afford to (which is unlikely).

Is there any possible way to see a doctor or therapist before you move out? Even if it would just be one visit to talk and see what they have to say. Would a regular doctor check-up be an option?
My mom is very controlling and tries to dictate everything I do, if it wasn't for my dad basically telling her to knock if off and let me grow up I wouldn't have been able to get my hair cut, graduate, or get a job. The only way for me to even get into see a therapist at all is because of my anxiety stuff. If she knew anything about my gender dysphoria she would say "It's not my problem" and I would be stuck here because it's not what she wants.
Even if you aren't ready to come out to your parents yet or don't want to start transitioning until after you move out, there are other stuff that a doctor could help you with.

Quote from: sigsi on June 17, 2016, 12:18:57 AM
Is there any possible way to see a doctor or therapist before you move out? Even if it would just be one visit to talk and see what they have to say. Would a regular doctor check-up be an option?
My mom is very controlling and tries to dictate everything I do, if it wasn't for my dad basically telling her to knock if off and let me grow up I wouldn't have been able to get my hair cut, graduate, or get a job. The only way for me to even get into see a therapist at all is because of my anxiety stuff. If she knew anything about my gender dysphoria she would say "It's not my problem" and I would be stuck here because it's not what she wants.
Even if you aren't ready to come out to your parents yet or don't want to start transitioning until after you move out, there are other stuff that a doctor could help you with.

My parents are the type to ask questions and also since I don't/can't drive that means my mom would have to take me and trust me she ain't just gonna drop me off and asking her not to come with me will just raise suspicions and unnecessary questions. Sadly there's no way around seeing a doctor or therapist without moving out away.

Quote from: EmilyRyan on June 17, 2016, 12:27:55 AM
My parents are the type to ask questions and also since I don't/can't drive that means my mom would have to take me and trust me she ain't just gonna drop me off and asking her not to come with me will just raise suspicions and unnecessary questions. Sadly there's no way around seeing a doctor or therapist without moving out away.

Last tidbit of thought, then I'll try to chill.
My mom does the whole "Why this" "What are you trying to hide" stuff too. I also can't drive, so she refuses to drive me anywhere without knowing everything. When I was about 17, she insisted upon being able to talk to the therapist about what we talked about, and was very..."witchy" (in nice language) about not being able to come into my doctor appointment check-up a few years ago. I started flat out lying about stuff just to get her to stop nagging or digging for information.
Now this varies per country/state, so I'm not quite sure how it is where you are living. In my state (Pennsylvania, USA), if you were over a certain age (I think 16) you had to sign a paper for a therapist to be able to talk to your parents. The therapist shouldn't ask you this in front of your parents, so a confrontation could maybe be avoided.
And if you were in a doctors office, the doctor asks parents to step out of the room when they discussed sex or drugs with you.
Again, this varies by location so I would advise you look into it more for your area. Another thought if you absolutely have to move out, would you have any other relatives that could help you? And speaking of relatives, they might be able to drive you somewhere as well (just an idea). Keep posting and please stay safe.

Quote from: Roses and Songs on June 15, 2016, 10:12:14 PM
   Thank you so much sigsi, all I need is someone to talk to once in a while...I'll write you when I feel better. Take care, love Rose.

Aw thanks for writing Lucky duck, no therapy or meds for you! Congrats on transitioning. I think every once in a while it's good to take a break from people and just sort of "recharge" emotionally. It sucks that people are cruel though. I'm quite terrified of rejection family wise as they have been my emotional support/back-up since I was a kid. Friend wise, I found two accepting friends from high school (both lgbt*). The rest of real life society I don't care to attempt dealing with right now. I definitly agree that the online community is great for talking stuff out.
When I was younger, I would search all over the internet for anyone that I could relate to, so I'm glad what I wrote made some a difference. You're sweet. Stay safe and take care, write when you feel like it.

Note: Sorry Emily for the slight thread hijack! I'll leave the rest of the thread back to the topic now.

I find it hard to believe you are not able to find a job in the Nashville area. Fast food/retail are not the only entry level jobs out there. You do have some skills, even if you don't realize it. You seem to have pretty good English grammar, and are a reasonably good typist. Have you tried registering with every temp agency? Have you applied at all the call centers? Have you applied at all of the sit down restaurants? Have you applied at all the local motels?

Quote from: VeronicaLynn on June 17, 2016, 01:54:28 AM
I find it hard to believe you are not able to find a job in the Nashville area. Fast food/retail are not the only entry level jobs out there. You do have some skills, even if you don't realize it. You seem to have pretty good English grammar, and are a reasonably good typist. Have you tried registering with every temp agency? Have you applied at all the call centers? Have you applied at all of the sit down restaurants? Have you applied at all the local motels?

I actually live in small town about an hour south of Nashville where it seems that most entry level jobs want you to have either some sort of STEM degree or 5+ years experience and I'm talking entry level jobs outside the service/fast food/retail industries. Yes I tried the local temp agency and every time I have to go through like an interview/screening process where they ask if I have such and such experience only for them to tell me each time I don't meet qualifications for any of the jobs they have lined up. There is a call center nearby and tried a few times to get hired on but I always failed their test you have to pass in order to get hired. I finally reached the limit they allow to go through the process of getting hired and now my application is no longer considered. I've applied to just about every restaurant, retail store, hotel, and fast food places including locally owned places that aren't chains. Nothing in my town seems to want to hire me or just aren't hiring at all and I can't just up and relocate either. 

Quote from: EmilyRyan on June 17, 2016, 07:28:08 PM
I actually live in small town about an hour south of Nashville where it seems that most entry level jobs want you to have either some sort of STEM degree or 5+ years experience and I'm talking entry level jobs outside the service/fast food/retail industries. Yes I tried the local temp agency and every time I have to go through like an interview/screening process where they ask if I have such and such experience only for them to tell me each time I don't meet qualifications for any of the jobs they have lined up. There is a call center nearby and tried a few times to get hired on but I always failed their test you have to pass in order to get hired. I finally reached the limit they allow to go through the process of getting hired and now my application is no longer considered. I've applied to just about every restaurant, retail store, hotel, and fast food places including locally owned places that aren't chains. Nothing in my town seems to want to hire me or just aren't hiring at all and I can't just up and relocate either.

It took about a year and a bunch of applications before I finally was hired somewhere that didn't have any pre-requisits (it was my first job, a busser/server job position). If you have experience from anything, that could help but it's possible without. A lot of places are cutting back on people too, so the job market isn't the best. My job was cutting back on people when I was still there, it wasn't fun. Checking the local newspaper might help to see if anyone is looking for an immediate fill in a position, but that's just by luck if something is there. I've found in my location, it's best to apply for a job either right before the college kids come back from college or right after they leave for college (early spring or early fall). Good luck.

Quote from: sigsi on June 17, 2016, 09:02:43 PM
It took about a year and a bunch of applications before I finally was hired somewhere that didn't have any pre-requisits (it was my first job, a busser/server job position). If you have experience from anything, that could help but it's possible without. A lot of places are cutting back on people too, so the job market isn't the best. My job was cutting back on people when I was still there, it wasn't fun. Checking the local newspaper might help to see if anyone is looking for an immediate fill in a position, but that's just by luck if something is there. I've found in my location, it's best to apply for a job either right before the college kids come back from college or right after they leave for college (early spring or early fall). Good luck.

Yeah I've already given up sadly. If the amount of employers I've applied to see me as worthless then I must really be.
So since I'm never gonna afford hrt how do I live/cope with being stuck living as a "guy"??

Quote from: EmilyRyan on June 17, 2016, 09:36:24 PM
Yeah I've already given up sadly. If the amount of employers I've applied to see me as worthless then I must really be.
So since I'm never gonna afford hrt how do I live/cope with being stuck living as a "guy"??

Hey, Emily, listen to me please. I am a lot like you. Ok? I never been hired for any job a day in my life and have filled out innumerous applications. I am only three years older than you. I have no driver's license. I live with my dad. Ok? But you know what? That doesn't make you less important than me or anyone else and you sure as hell ain't worthless. You are a valuable, lovable, sweet, kind, charitable, admirable, cherishing young lady that cares very much about improving her life situation and you are currently in the process of that. I am so happy you choose to do that instead of choosing to let it all really go down the drain and succumb to the distortions of the depression and low self-esteem that is poisoning yours and my mind as well. If you did, you wouldn't be making so many posts about your life situation. These posts are a sign that you want more in life, you aren't giving up, you want a change and you definitely aren't being idle about this. I am so proud of you.

Emily, I am so very sorry for the last post I made on a thread of yours before this one. It couldn't have been helpful at all and I am praying that the mods removed it. I was so disappointed in myself for the language I used especially at a time when you seemed to be in a most sorrowful state. I was also in my most sorrowful state and attempted to overdose on some prescription medication at the time I posted that horrific message. I know a lot of your pain, from what you describe. Emily, if you ever need someone to talk with about this stuff or you just wanna have a little chat about anything. I'm here. Just PM me anytime. If I don't get back to you in a jiffy, trust me it's not because I am ignoring you. I am so tied up with schoolwork and I have to play a bit of catch up cause of being in the psych ward for like a week. Talk with you soon and hang in there, my friend!

P.S. Do you see a therapist and/or a psychiatrist? I only ask because I do and these combinations of professionals really make a difference in my mental state and outlook of myself, my loved ones and the world around me. You know? Like just because your situation is not what you would like for it to be, doesn't mean you have to feel like the lowest scum of the earth. Let me tell ya, that is not biologically normal to feel like this while everyone else seems to feel fine with themselves. When I use the term "normal," keep in mind that I mean in a physiological sense and not some trendy, peer pressuring sense. Really, Emily. No one can really lead a healthy lifestyle when their thoughts are so construed. It would be a pure miracle to be able to function in this toxic kind of mentality. If you aren't seeing a therapist and/or psychiatrist, please consider them as options at least. They can make a huge difference in your life, as they do in mine. I used to advocate against anti-depressents and things like that but they can be so helpful if the correct medicine is found and by that I mean the one that appropriately helps you the most with little to no side effects. You see, it's very important that you get an appropriate diagnosis of whatever mental conditions (just like physical conditions) you may be suffering from that even you are unaware of so that you can get the appropriate treatment. I hope you aren't taking this suggestion the wrong way, as I am on medication and let me tell you, I see the world a lot differently than before and I feel myself slowly emerging from my shell of sadness. It will take time to heal my wounds of self-hatred and emotional trauma of my past, but I feel myself getting better and better every day of my life. You are only 24.....so much life to live! Be nice to yourself, Emily. Give yourself a chance! If you do not love yourself, how can you truly expect others to? "It is imperative that you love yourself and let everyone else know," as one rapper, named P.E.P. Love put it in a wonderfully philosophical song called 'US.'

I am sorry if this post was way longer than expected, but I guess I really do empathize with you and want you to know that we, at Susan's do care about you.

Quote from: EmilyRyan on June 17, 2016, 07:28:08 PM
I actually live in small town about an hour south of Nashville where it seems that most entry level jobs want you to have either some sort of STEM degree or 5+ years experience and I'm talking entry level jobs outside the service/fast food/retail industries. Yes I tried the local temp agency and every time I have to go through like an interview/screening process where they ask if I have such and such experience only for them to tell me each time I don't meet qualifications for any of the jobs they have lined up. There is a call center nearby and tried a few times to get hired on but I always failed their test you have to pass in order to get hired. I finally reached the limit they allow to go through the process of getting hired and now my application is no longer considered. I've applied to just about every restaurant, retail store, hotel, and fast food places including locally owned places that aren't chains. Nothing in my town seems to want to hire me or just aren't hiring at all and I can't just up and relocate either.

Finding a job in a small town is hard. Believe me, I know, I grew up in a small town in NC. You shouldn't feel bad for not finding one, small towns are not where the jobs are. If I were you, I'd expand my search to include the Nashville area. There are lots of jobs there. Maybe one of them will work with you with the transportation issue or helping you relocate there.

Quote from: King Phoenix on June 18, 2016, 01:06:27 AM
Hey, Emily, listen to me please. I am a lot like you. Ok? I never been hired for any job a day in my life and have filled out innumerous applications. I am only three years older than you. I have no driver's license. I live with my dad. Ok? But you know what? That doesn't make you less important than me or anyone else and you sure as hell ain't worthless. You are a valuable, lovable, sweet, kind, charitable, admirable, cherishing young lady that cares very much about improving her life situation and you are currently in the process of that. I am so happy you choose to do that instead of choosing to let it all really go down the drain and succumb to the distortions of the depression and low self-esteem that is poisoning yours and my mind as well. If you did, you wouldn't be making so many posts about your life situation. These posts are a sign that you want more in life, you aren't giving up, you want a change and you definitely aren't being idle about this. I am so proud of you.

Emily, I am so very sorry for the last post I made on a thread of yours before this one. It couldn't have been helpful at all and I am praying that the mods removed it. I was so disappointed in myself for the language I used especially at a time when you seemed to be in a most sorrowful state. I was also in my most sorrowful state and attempted to overdose on some prescription medication at the time I posted that horrific message. I know a lot of your pain, from what you describe. Emily, if you ever need someone to talk with about this stuff or you just wanna have a little chat about anything. I'm here. Just PM me anytime. If I don't get back to you in a jiffy, trust me it's not because I am ignoring you. I am so tied up with schoolwork and I have to play a bit of catch up cause of being in the psych ward for like a week. Talk with you soon and hang in there, my friend!

P.S. Do you see a therapist and/or a psychiatrist? I only ask because I do and these combinations of professionals really make a difference in my mental state and outlook of myself, my loved ones and the world around me. You know? Like just because your situation is not what you would like for it to be, doesn't mean you have to feel like the lowest scum of the earth. Let me tell ya, that is not biologically normal to feel like this while everyone else seems to feel fine with themselves. When I use the term "normal," keep in mind that I mean in a physiological sense and not some trendy, peer pressuring sense. Really, Emily. No one can really lead a healthy lifestyle when their thoughts are so construed. It would be a pure miracle to be able to function in this toxic kind of mentality. If you aren't seeing a therapist and/or psychiatrist, please consider them as options at least. They can make a huge difference in your life, as they do in mine. I used to advocate against anti-depressents and things like that but they can be so helpful if the correct medicine is found and by that I mean the one that appropriately helps you the most with little to no side effects. You see, it's very important that you get an appropriate diagnosis of whatever mental conditions (just like physical conditions) you may be suffering from that even you are unaware of so that you can get the appropriate treatment. I hope you aren't taking this suggestion the wrong way, as I am on medication and let me tell you, I see the world a lot differently than before and I feel myself slowly emerging from my shell of sadness. It will take time to heal my wounds of self-hatred and emotional trauma of my past, but I feel myself getting better and better every day of my life. You are only 24.....so much life to live! Be nice to yourself, Emily. Give yourself a chance! If you do not love yourself, how can you truly expect others to? "It is imperative that you love yourself and let everyone else know," as one rapper, named P.E.P. Love put it in a wonderfully philosophical song called 'US.'

I am sorry if this post was way longer than expected, but I guess I really do empathize with you and want you to know that we, at Susan's do care about you.

Hey Phoenix sorry for being late on my reply here

I just wanna thank you for being someone I can talk to and such that means alot.   

Also don't worry about that past post you mentioned you made to be honest I have no clue what post it was and of all the replies you've made in my posts I never found any of them to be offensive. So you're good there

Hope things are going better for you and please hang in there and I'll be sure to do the same

Quote from: VeronicaLynn on June 18, 2016, 02:55:23 AM
Finding a job in a small town is hard. Believe me, I know, I grew up in a small town in NC. You shouldn't feel bad for not finding one, small towns are not where the jobs are. If I were you, I'd expand my search to include the Nashville area. There are lots of jobs there. Maybe one of them will work with you with the transportation issue or helping you relocate there.

Nashville and the surrounding area is too expensive for me to relocate to it's so bad now that even older residents that been there for years are being forced out do to ever increasing rent costs. Finding an affordable place to live even with a job is becoming impossible unless you're super wealthy. 

Quote from: EmilyRyan on June 18, 2016, 04:39:11 PM
Hey Phoenix sorry for being late on my reply here

I just wanna thank you for being someone I can talk to and such that means alot.   

Also don't worry about that past post you mentioned you made to be honest I have no clue what post it was and of all the replies you've made in my posts I never found any of them to be offensive. So you're good there

Hope things are going better for you and please hang in there and I'll be sure to do the same

No worries, Emily. Lots of people don't have time to reply to every single post and you should never feel obligated to. It's cool.

Also, glad you never seen that past post of mine. Or maybe you did but you weren't bothered by it. But we, at Susan's, should encourage one another in positive ways and not stimulate negativity, which is what I did in that post. I stayed off of Susan's for a while really thinking about the words I used in the horrible post. I am glad, so glad, I never offended you but that post was basically agreeing with the depressive mind states we were in.

Emily, it's never easy to break any habit, but we gotta train our minds and our self-esteem. If you change your thoughts in to happy ones, your feelings and behaviors will follow too! Please keep going. You're doing very good in life. I admire strong women like you who keep going even after being knocked down. As Chinese philosopher Confucius once said; "Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but rising every time we fall."

I'm happy to hear you say you're gonna go forward. Very good! And I will hang in there too, just like you said. Emily, we are trans and together we stand!!

hey Emily, I wasn't sure before if I should specify about autism, but now that others have done so already, I do. I think just like me and many other trans, you're in the autistic spectrum. I did try to tell you before but it's not necessarily something pleasant to hear, it took me more than 6 months to swallow the fact, revisiting all my life with that new filter or rather maybe no more filter. That was like 3 years ago, and that's also when my psychologist told me there is a very much lot of autism cases in the trans community, and vice versa.

With what I read on this new thread of yours, I suspect your parents to know things they hid from you and still try to... try to do as if you were 'normal'. That doesn't help you, nor can it anyone.

There is nothing to do about autism other than try to tame it and work around it.

Getting a diagnostic is pretty much useless, unless it leads you to some sort of financial support, which I doubt. Plus getting a reliable diagnostic for autism (for me anyways) as an adult would cost 1000$, that is 9 one-hour sessions with a specialist.

The best you can do about autism is get to know it, to work around it.

Well maybe I'm wrong, but you won't lose anything seeking in that direction to see if the desciption fits you.

The autism traits can be very diverse. Your great ability to read maps seems like one of the savant skills some autistic have. I have none but my brother has a photographic memory, he knows all encyclopedias by heart, almost no joke. And he lived a very wealthy life starting at age 28 when he finally was able to get his ->-bleeped-<- together and get to an interview that got him a highly paid job as a translator. Before that, he had not done much else than read and grow his hair. Well he's actually a genius. I don't know if he knows he's autistic, probably he does. Anyways... That goes to show you.

Being autistic is being different, and sometimes that means... well yea, better.

Maybe you're just better, you know...

You need to get to a big city, told you before. You need to. Absolutely. I also think you need to get away from overprotecting parents but I'll leave that to your way of putting it.

I don't think you are depressed, I was like you for decades and everyone around said I was depressed, well no, I was autistic.

Autistic people have a very hard time to see ahead. There is nothing ahead, no goal, so it's difficult to be excited or to get organized to get to that somewhere else you need to get to, Emily.

Read on autism, Asperger or high functioning autism, read scientific books, autistig blogs and forums.

The first book I had read on autism was like a guide to how to live in society with autism, and every situation described in that book I already had lived.

So as I said, autistic traits and symptoms are very diverse, but when you get an idea of what's happening in your head, and in other people's head (the neurotypicals), you stand a beter chance to see things coming and work them out.

it' s very difficult for an autistic person to go through what you go through. In a big city, you would find a job. There a lots of weird people in big cities, and most of them work.

I know, you don't have the money...

think about ways you can build on that very special skill you seem to have about maps. Maybe that skill can be extended to more than maps. This is a very special skill you seem to have you it could be what makes you an outstanding person. If you're at the right place with the right people.

I know it's difficult to plan and build a goal, it is for me also, has always been, and I'm never excited about anything, I don't and never really saw a good reason to live, but I did... live. And had fun, pretty much. And hey it's not over, I'm starting again.

Autistic people can reason. I'm certain you can reason this out.

Hang on Emily, I'm having fun living even though I see no reason to go on, I don't see why you can't have fun living too (autisticly have fun, that is inside your head haha),

you're just not at the right place nor with the right people.

hope this helps
:-)
Soli

P.S. adding this, just read some of this and you will see that you are not alone. You just need to find the right place, Emily, and right persons
http://wrongplanet.net/forums/viewtopic.php?t=173479

Quote from: Soli on June 19, 2016, 12:11:11 AM
hey Emily, I wasn't sure before if I should specify about autism, but now that others have done so already, I do. I think just like me and many other trans, you're in the autistic spectrum. I did try to tell you before but it's not necessarily something pleasant to hear, it took me more than 6 months to swallow the fact, revisiting all my life with that new filter or rather maybe no more filter. That was like 3 years ago, and that's also when my psychologist told me there is a very much lot of autism cases in the trans community, and vice versa.

With what I read on this new thread of yours, I suspect your parents to know things they hid from you and still try to... try to do as if you were 'normal'. That doesn't help you, nor can it anyone.

There is nothing to do about autism other than try to tame it and work around it.

Getting a diagnostic is pretty much useless, unless it leads you to some sort of financial support, which I doubt. Plus getting a reliable diagnostic for autism (for me anyways) as an adult would cost 1000$, that is 9 one-hour sessions with a specialist.

The best you can do about autism is get to know it, to work around it.

Well maybe I'm wrong, but you won't lose anything seeking in that direction to see if the desciption fits you.

The autism traits can be very diverse. Your great ability to read maps seems like one of the savant skills some autistic have. I have none but my brother has a photographic memory, he knows all encyclopedias by heart, almost no joke. And he lived a very wealthy life starting at age 28 when he finally was able to get his ->-bleeped-<- together and get to an interview that got him a highly paid job as a translator. Before that, he had not done much else than read and grow his hair. Well he's actually a genius. I don't know if he knows he's autistic, probably he does. Anyways... That goes to show you.

Being autistic is being different, and sometimes that means... well yea, better.

Maybe you're just better, you know...

You need to get to a big city, told you before. You need to. Absolutely. I also think you need to get away from overprotecting parents but I'll leave that to your way of putting it.

I don't think you are depressed, I was like you for decades and everyone around said I was depressed, well no, I was autistic.

Autistic people have a very hard time to see ahead. There is nothing ahead, no goal, so it's difficult to be excited or to get organized to get to that somewhere else you need to get to, Emily.

Read on autism, Asperger or high functioning autism, read scientific books, autistig blogs and forums.

The first book I had read on autism was like a guide to how to live in society with autism, and every situation described in that book I already had lived.

So as I said, autistic traits and symptoms are very diverse, but when you get an idea of what's happening in your head, and in other people's head (the neurotypicals), you stand a beter chance to see things coming and work them out.

it' s very difficult for an autistic person to go through what you go through. In a big city, you would find a job. There a lots of weird people in big cities, and most of them work.

I know, you don't have the money...

think about ways you can build on that very special skill you seem to have about maps. Maybe that skill can be extended to more than maps. This is a very special skill you seem to have you it could be what makes you an outstanding person. If you're at the right place with the right people.

I know it's difficult to plan and build a goal, it is for me also, has always been, and I'm never excited about anything, I don't and never really saw a good reason to live, but I did... live. And had fun, pretty much. And hey it's not over, I'm starting again.

Autistic people can reason. I'm certain you can reason this out.

Hang on Emily, I'm having fun living even though I see no reason to go on, I don't see why you can't have fun living too (autisticly have fun, that is inside your head haha),

you're just not at the right place nor with the right people.

hope this helps
:-)
Soli

P.S. adding this, just read some of this and you will see that you are not alone. You just need to find the right place, Emily, and right persons
http://wrongplanet.net/forums/viewtopic.php?t=173479

This. I spent a good amount of time wondering if I do have some sort of high functioning autism especially with my struggles I've had in college. In the education classes I took recently, autism was like one the biggest things we talked about and when discussing the signs of autism I felt that was a wake up call to get tested.

Emily, if you get a diagnosis of autism, you could possibly get disability that way. I'm not saying you have it because, well, I don't have a PhD and lack the authority and legality to diagnose you or anyone else. But if you got a diagnosis of some kind of condition that really does exist and is making it difficult for you to function, you absolutely should file for it, imo.

P.S. I can't stand Wrong Planet Forums. I hope you like it though. I found that there were alot of people on there who had uppity attitudes. Couldn't stand it.....Anyways, I think Soli was onto something though about ->-bleeped-<- and autism having a connection. I still think I have Asperger's or High Functioning Autism or something. I don't know. But I don't think all autistic people are geniuses or even skilled at certain things. This just happens to be a general characteristic but not every single autistic person is that way, from what I researched. I agree with Soli, though, about contributing someway to your proficiency in reading maps and stuff.