SO... I was on the verge of really kicking my journey in gear, notified people in my school, was making plans to hang with a transgirl in the area and I had a mental-melt down. I quit going to my therapist, told my new friend I changed my mind and tried to "adjust".

It was so, so for about 2 months and Emily came back with a vengeance about 2 months ago and I'm a little further along than I was mentally then, now. Guess 2 steps forward, 1 step back? 

My therapist has started working on why I doubt my "trans status" at times and has me making a list of everything that makes me scared, or doubt myself. Then we try to write positive messages, or reassurances next to these thoughts from other feelings I have had in the past. I like it!

I have a TON of "experiences" to back up why I am trans besides the way I feel, but for some reason my mind gets caught up things from time to time.

One of which is, I remember early childhood experiences as wanting to be female, and often dressing etc.. But I also remember REALLY wanting a Nerf gun for Christmas, or running around the house swinging a broom stick like a sword imagining I was Zorro. I also remember having Batman and Ninja Turtle underwear and wanting to take Karate lessons and I was obsessed in Elementary School with Dragon Ball Z. I also remember when I was real little, I had a ton of stuffed animals that I imagined were my kids... Except I was their daddy. Seems like a boy to me.

Granted my favorite movie was The Little Mermaid, and I was always caught wearing my sisters things and I loved playing house and I remember being super young praying to God asking to be a girl. I used to drive myself nuts looking for my vagina because I was so sure that I had one, but the doctors must have sewn it up or something. 

So how do you make sense of these conflicting experiences? I know their irrelevant, but it just makes me wonder sometimes if I've gotten things wrong along the way somehow.

I'm fairly certain plenty of cis girls like to play at being Zorro, if they know about him; I mean, a secret identity, great moves, witty repartee -- and swords!  Graceful, witty swords.  What's not to like?  Plenty of girls take karate, and plenty of girls are into Dragonball Z and Magic the Gathering and Warhammer (much to the annoyance of the misogynistic dudebro gamers.)

There's nothing about any of the things you were interested in that is inherently male or female.  Boys and girls alike like having pretend adventures, watching exciting movies, even parenting dolls or stuffed animals.  Heck, plenty of girls grow up wanting to join the Army, or even the Marines, and plenty of them actually do it.  It isn't until the gender policing takes over that they learn to shun the stuff they aren't supposed to like.  (Well, most of them.)

What I notice is that all the things you think say you are a boy are interests.  But when you talk about who you are (or want to be), you consistently say "girl."

I feel like a lot of the things that you are using to gauge male/female are mostly possessions.  these things do not define your gender.  they define your interests and what you enjoy.  roll playing too is something a lot of people do; we all imagine ourselves as something we aren't.  I don't wear make-up i don't dress up i barely spend 5 minuets on my hair in the morning.  I look at my self as being very athletic.  and i enjoy going to the gym and working out.  but how i perceive my self and how others perceive me is female.  Don't let being male or female take away who you are.  i mean that in a way like you don't have to change your interests to be more excepted in a given gender.  Coming out as trans and going though transition you still have to remember who you are and where you came from.  you can't change your interests just because it might seem more masculine or feminine, and you shouldn't have to be so worked up over the idea.  Don't worry about what other people think there are lots of people, male or female, that enjoy a lot of different things that you wouldn't expect men and woman to do.  you know who you are and you can embrace that with out giving up your hobbies and and such.

QuoteI'm fairly certain plenty of cis girls like to play at being Zorro, if they know about him; I mean, a secret identity, great moves, witty repartee -- and swords!  Graceful, witty swords.  What's not to like?  Plenty of girls take karate, and plenty of girls are into Dragonball Z and Magic the Gathering and Warhammer (much to the annoyance of the misogynistic dudebro gamers.)

There's nothing about any of the things you were interested in that is inherently male or female.  Boys and girls alike like having pretend adventures, watching exciting movies, even parenting dolls or stuffed animals.  Heck, plenty of girls grow up wanting to join the Army, or even the Marines, and plenty of them actually do it.  It isn't until the gender policing takes over that they learn to shun the stuff they aren't supposed to like.  (Well, most of them.)

What I notice is that all the things you think say you are a boy are interests.  But when you talk about who you are (or want to be), you consistently say "girl."

True, you make some good points.

I find one common trait with many trans people, is everyone has "their story" and I sometimes feel that "our story" is not so much for ourselves but other people. The question, "How did you know you were trans?" is easily answerable, "I just knew." But what people are really asking is, "Describe it in a way that makes sense to me so I can accept you."

So I think sometimes I get caught up in mentally cataloging every aspect of my life in terms of "typical female behavior" and "typical male behavior" and the reasons "why" I did certain things that were masculine.. As if I need to justify myself. Like, why did I serve in the Marines? Well, everyone thought I was gay (which is kinda true), and I thought the military would make a man out of me... Which instead felt like a noose around my neck that was 4 years long.. With some good times..

But overtime this excessive "cataloging" takes an emotional toll, because I get in the habit of trying to figure out irrelevant things like, "Why did I want a nerf gun when I was 4?" Like wanting a nerf gun when I was 4 somehow translates to everything I've ever felt is fake..

Nope, new goal is to let go, not worry! 

QuoteI feel like a lot of the things that you are using to gauge male/female are mostly possessions.  these things do not define your gender.  they define your interests and what you enjoy.  roll playing too is something a lot of people do; we all imagine ourselves as something we aren't.  I don't wear make-up i don't dress up i barely spend 5 minuets on my hair in the morning.  I look at my self as being very athletic.  and i enjoy going to the gym and working out.  but how i perceive my self and how others perceive me is female.  Don't let being male or female take away who you are.  i mean that in a way like you don't have to change your interests to be more excepted in a given gender.  Coming out as trans and going though transition you still have to remember who you are and where you came from.  you can't change your interests just because it might seem more masculine or feminine, and you shouldn't have to be so worked up over the idea.  Don't worry about what other people think there are lots of people, male or female, that enjoy a lot of different things that you wouldn't expect men and woman to do.  you know who you are and you can embrace that with out giving up your hobbies and and such.

I'm glad you shared these things!

I love make-up and enjoy romance novels A LOT, but I also LOVE certain tv shows like Breaking Bad, Spartacus or even Star Trek, but I also like chick-flicks.. And sometimes this classification of gender to activities just makes me feel, well.. Like crap.

How can a tv show dictate your gender?

It can't!

Perhaps your right, we like what we like and we don't what we don't. This journey should be about self-expression!

QuoteHow can a tv show dictate your gender?

It can't!

exactly! I totally get the feeling of "do other people think this is wrong for a girl to do?"  But really though I'm so done trying to prove things to other people I've been 10x happier just being myself and enjoy the things I've always enjoyed, and people can respect me more for who i am because I've come across more open and honest overall!

I get how you feel. I also feel a lot of conflict from my past experiences, but I'm trying to stop myself from using the past as a way to stir up doubt and invalidate how I feel now in the present. I doubt my "trans status" all the time, there are times I'm so scared I'm wrong in everything, because as a kid - sure I wasn't a stereotypical girl, but nor was I a stereotypical boy. I had almost no signs of being trans as a kid, and I remember wearing dresses as well as "boy clothes," liking TV shows/games that were more stereotypically "girly," but also those that were more stereotypically boyish. However, all of those were simply likes, hobbies, things I did that fit or didn't fit into gender roles - they don't define my gender in itself, and they certainly don't define who I am now.

For a long time I didn't question being a "girl" because it was what I was assigned and I went with it, and not until much later on in my life (more recently) did I begin to figure some things out about my gender. The past always creeps up on me though, with many conflicting doubts, but I have to remember that a) sometimes we don't remember things very well or very accurately, and what we might see as significant doubts might not have been how we remember them, and b) tv shows and hobbies and toys don't necessarily have a gender. We like the things we like, as whoever we are. Also - there may have been many factors in your childhood that influenced how you as a kid viewed your gender. As a kid, I may not have consciously been forced to be a stereotypical girl all the time, but undoubtedly even living in society, there was a pressure to conform to the gender identity I was assigned at birth. Many different factors go into it, and I have to remember to be more lenient and kinder with my past self when I reflect back on my childhood, and when I wonder why I had no clue I was trans for such a long time.

What's important is how I can move on more positively and more in tune with myself from here on out (it's a constant journey/self discovery); my past may help or give me some perspective, but at the same time - it was my past. I can't go back and re-experience things, nor can I ever gain full understanding of why I did some things/acted some ways, and not others. My past doesn't invalidate who I am now. Although they may cause me doubts, I won't let some of my "girlish" interests as a kid pull me back from being a guy, and transitioning if I believe that's the right way for me. Although I often feel like I have something to prove to everyone else, and to myself - especially since I'm quite a gender non conforming/feminine trans boy - I'm beginning to learn that I really don't owe anyone anything, nor must I have an explanation + justification of everything in my past to be valid in my trans identity.

Also:

I want to question the idea that you somehow have to have "always been a girl" for your wish to be a girl to be valid or real.

IMHO, that's just more gatekeeping.

And it would certainly shut me out -- it never occurred to me until ~3 years ago (about when I joined Susan's) to imagine that I was transgender.  (Which, for me, translates to "that I would be more me if I transitioned.")

I can see signs as far back as I can remember that being male (as it was understood and still is) didn't fit me and that I might have fit in better if I'd been assigned female (or maybe not -- I think that the female role was pretty rigid 50+ years ago in the USA South.)  For all I know, if society had had a rather different idea of what was okay for a person with my genitals to be, maybe I would have been happy living as a boy and then a man.  But it wasn't.

IMHO the only question that matters is: will your life be better (for you) if you live as a different gender, as you understand that gender?

And, yes, I know, that's a hard question.  Much harder than cataloging what toys you liked when you were 4.  But it's the one that matters.

I think the one defining thing that has helped me is the fact that I've always felt this way. For as long as I can remember I've had a problem with my assigned gender, and I wished it was different. Even when I was very, very young, barely in school, I remember praying to god begging to be a girl.

I think the idea that we don't correctly remember things is right.

For instance, yesterday I started to have a little doubt when I heard of a girl, who transitioned fully to being a guy (including many surgeries) and then transitioned back to be a girl. Evidently she had been abused by men when she was younger, and wearing men's clothes made her feel better or safe, but she had no dysphoria, she loved her breasts, never desired facial hair etc...

This made my anxiety freak.. I was just like, well hmm.. Okay, I consciously joined the military in the past because I thought I missed out on some crucial lesson on how to be a guy.. But I did go through a phase where I loved working out, and I really enjoyed seeing progress... OMG.. I'm not trans!

Today I woke up and thought about it again and realized I was looking at that memory in a distorted manner. I remember the first time I gained some muscle weight, being really bothered that if I gained too much muscle, I wouldn't be able to transition. Plus I realized, I didn't prefer being built, it was a way for me to feel like I "fit in" better, or convince myself I was a man.

Boom! Mystery solved with a clearer lens.

I just need to trust myself more in those awkward moments. Who knows what I was thinking when I was 5, I've always struggled with trying to please others too much, I was probably trying to please my parents. They didn't like me dressing.

Self-Love = Self-Trust. 

This has been helpful.