I came to the trans realization late. Despite years of wanting and wishing I had a girls body.

Now I feel terrible. Everything I've built in my life seems to be in jeopardy. I am miserable the way I am but I don't want to rip my life apart and maybe feel worse.

I seem to have negative feelings toward myself for being this way. I've read that is common.

I am very afraid of not passing if I commit to transition. I hate myself for not figuring this stuff out before I lost all my hair. It makes me feel like such an idiot.

I went to the local support group and felt terrible. Absolutely terrible. I didn't feel like I had anything else in common with anyone.

I'm sad. And people can tell and if they ask me about it there isn't anything I can say. So I have to wear a happy mask so people won't bother me about it. It's annoying.


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Don't beat up on yourself. The first therapy group I attended caused me so much shame that I almost didn't return for the second meeting. I forced my self to attend the second one and by the third or fourth I became comfortable and was able to proceed with my transition.

It's not so much about passing as it's about becoming yourself. My big flaw was my voice. The best I could do was a high male voice which most likely gave me away often but only a few ever asked me about my past. We will work with you and help as much as possible but it's possible to be happy even if you don't pass well.

My first therapy session I almost did not walk into the building. It is a LGBT community center. My work rents half a high rise a block away and I did not want to be seen. My 1st 4 group sessions I did not talk (2.5 years ago). My 1st philly trans felt conference I felt so out of place. I went to the 1st conference 3 years ago and I was 51.

I am part of a community now. I volunteer a lot and attend group every week. I am active with my work Pride group and volunteer a lot there.

I have been going to a LGBT gym for 2 years and am making friends.

I was at the trans health conference Thursday through Saturday ( I worked the kids camp 3 hours a day). I knew a lot of people at the conferance. I got and gave a lot of hugs. I know a lot of people. I meet someone from Susan's. I do not know how she knew me but we connected and I will meet up with her where she volunteers.

This was the second year our group had a workshop at the conference. We had a great turnout and did fantastic. I made friends there.

I am much more comfortable in community now; I have worked a lot to get there.  I was the one holding me back and I needed to learn how to become sociable and gain confidence.

best,

Rachel

Well, it was awhile ago. And I haven't gone back since. It sounds like I probably should.

I'm kinda torn up about it. I don't want to go anywhere or do anything I just want to feel ok. Because I don't feel ok.

I feel miserable constantly. I bury myself in work. I dread weekends because there's nothing to distract me. I live in bizzarro world.


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I totally get how you feel.  I am 61 and just came out to my wife this week.  It was the hardest thing I have ever done, and it took me seven months to work up the nerve to do it.

I could look back at having wasted (probably at least) 2/3 or more of my life and get seriously bummed out about it, but where would that get me?  Or I could look ahead to the adventure of finding out who I really am.  It's all about the future.  That's what motivated me to come out: thinking about the future.  I had a choice between a future that was guaranteed to suck as badly as the past, or take a gamble on a future that could be much better.

I have no illusions about passing.  Sure, it would be nice to pass, but that's not what it is about.  If I do eventually transition, I am probably going to be one ugly woman.  To me, it is not about appearance.  It is about becoming myself, and how I feel about myself.  I have faked my way through life, wondering why I didn't fit in.  Now that I know why, I want to be authentic.  That is more important than beauty or passing.

I know that, when I first go to a trans or LGBT group, I am going to feel a bit out of place and awkward.  I am always that way in a new group.  But I feel that I have lifted the veil that prevented me from having friends.  Now I have the chance to be myself and meet new friends.

I can't afford to look back.  If I'm lucky, I might have 20 or 30 more years to live.  I want to make the most of them.

I can total relate to what you are saying. I have also arrived to the party late in my life. I know that what I am  going through will totally destroy everything I have spent my life building. I know that my marriage will be over, my family will disown me (which hopefully over time that will change), the house, cars, money, friends, work, everything will be torn apart. Also my son who I love more than life itself will be affected.
When I look in the mirror I don't look like a women, I look like a man trying to be a women, so in my mind I'm still a man.
But...
This forum and the wonderful people on it have made me realize that I'm not unique, the feelings I'm experiencing are not unusual and that every message I type is like a confessional with each confession making me feel better about myself.
I am angry with myself for not doing this years ago and I have bouts of depression even suicidal thoughts but every word I type and every post I read is helping to make me feel better.
Theres a long journey ahead with lots of ups and downs but I feel confident that there are good people out there who will share their unbiased experiences and love with no demand for reward.
Let me put it another way, life stinks now and I've come very close to ending it all, so how much worse can it get if I just follow my heart and become the women I always wanted to be.

I spent almost 50 years working hard at trying to feel 'Normal', normal male that is. I also knew deep down inside for those almost 50 years wishing I was born a girl. There wasn't much about me I liked, especially with being 6ft tall, big everything, deep voiced, and MPB starting at age 14.

So I spent those years trying to be normal. Doing what was expected. Told I was amazing at it but could not take ownership. I have a wife/BFF/soul-mate, a career I love where I have a great amount of respect for my abilities. I also had a TON of baggage from nearly 50 years of Shame & Guilt about being trans.

Seven years ago the excrement hit the air handler of my life again. Another self-destruction with a root cause of how I was not handling being trans. The end result was me having too much quality time alone with myself and my thoughts. Which led to me taking on the trans-beast for real.

I've been told by several people at my TG Support group that different groups have different personalities. I lucked out that the only group within 90 miles of where I lived was the one I needed to be at. I lived about all my life in the shadow of NYC, Trans-Central as my calls it. Out in rural West Virginia the choices were few. I was totally blown away my first meeting sitting in a room filled with others whose feelings and, in a broad sense, even life stories practically mirrored mine.

By the end of the 3rd meeting I knew without doubt I needed to be there. It was also clear it was almost too late to tell my wife what was up. I dropped the T-Bomb almost 7 years ago. A lot has changed inside and outside of me. I wrestled a lot early on with the "WTF Am I Doing " meltdowns. All that I may loose. Most not even "May", more like a definite. Then add in all the promises, obligations and commitments you made, already strained by finally doing something for-real about being trans.

I found that a lot of that "WTF" screaming inside my head was the Shame and Guilt. Better the devil you know. You've beaten these feeling down before. You can do it again. There is no "Better" solution to all this. Just go on trying to be normal. Keep busy, It will all soon fade away.

The screaming for me has almost stopped. I still present primarily as male. I also discovered the joy of being out in the real world as the real me. It took work. It is still work. It is a compromise. One that has allowed me to balance out all that is important to me. All the various aspects of what makes me Me.

When I started this journey into the unknown I came to realize two important things. 1) I needed to find some way to bring these two great aspects of myself, the male and female, together. To live in harmony rather then a constant state of war. 2) I know beyond doubt "What does not work", which was how I ran my life till then.

Today I am still very much the "Odd Duck" in my group. Likely about any group. For one, I am not at the point of "needing" to transition (most days). Want to? Sure in a perfect world. Luckily not need to like most to all the others. Most days now I feel normal. Most days, no matter how I present, I see a joy filled Joanne smiling back at me in the mirror. I know it's a dark mood day when I see "The sad old man". Those days are very few and far between now

There are plenty of things you can do, likely should do, for yourself no matter what without having to "Totally Commit". Another support group may be the trick. Better yet may be a for real gender therapist to help you sort out your feelings. GD is a spectrum. You sure aren't cis-female nor cis-male. You are somewhere in universe between those two extremes. The hard work, I believe, is sorting out where in that spectrum you can feel comfortable Being You. Keep in mind that resting spot is likely to change over time as you continue to grow as a person. Ditching a lifetime of baggage about being trans takes work as it entangles itself in every area of your being. It takes work, it takes time. I see totally committing as being the same as some Magic Pill to take. If you don't know for sure who or what you really are, how can you totally commit to it?

Doubts can be legit, or they can come from fear, shame and guilt. Which is true?