Well today was awful..

It was my birthday this sunday, but we didn't do anything till today, and there was the constant, Son, Brother, Uncle, Grandson, over and over and over and I hated it. And then my sister, who's always making fun of me, does that stupid Happy Birthday parody, the Monkey one, and that also made me feel like ->-bleeped-<- for whatever reason.

Okay just checking, was I abandoned here or were the past few days unusually fast and this is more normal pace? lol

Some days are busier that others. Moderator duties have kept me busy for the last couple of days.

It sounds like you have reached a decision point. You can stay in the closet an be miserable or you can start moving forward, learn to ignore what others think and say about you and become yourself. Both paths are difficult but for a while, staying in the closet will be easier.

After all these years, yesterday I was sired in the Home Depot. No I didn't like it but I collected my purchases, left the store and the rest of the day was fine. Until you start become who you are supposed to be, your nerves will remain sensitive. I suggest you have a long discussion about this in your next therapy session and decide what your future will look like. Your therapist is the one person you need to talk to about this and it will remain between the two of you until you decide different.

Dear Reyes,
   The desire to not disappoint family is incredibly powerful. Even if their image of you is flawed (Not the image you wish they had), you still don't want them to disown you or think badly of you. If you are young and dependent on them it is especially terrifying. When you are transgender you have desires that go completely against what your family would expect from you. Before I came out, I was convinced that every single relationship I had would be ruined if I told them. I could not picture how I could transition and people would be okay with me ever again. So, I waited and waited. It caused myself and people around me a lot of heartache, because I was so unhappy. The feelings finally became so intense that I couldn't take it any longer. Today is my first day of living full time as Monica. I have told my entire world that I am transgender and have lost no one. Am I lucky? Very! Can I tell you you won't lose anyone? No! What I am saying is that I doubt your feelings will magically disappear. I would like you to realize that there are a lot of accepting, supportive people out there. It is possible for things to turn out well. I think a first step of talking to your therapist could give you information that could really help you.
   As for your father, I doubt anyone is going to hear you hinting that you might be transgender and latch onto it with a warm embrace. He could be scared, hoping that his child doesn't have to go through the tough road of being trans. I wouldn't judge him too harshly. Don't feel too bad about yourself either, this is scary stuff, coming out.
   I wish you well. I hope you don't spend your life living in fear. Take it from me, it stinks.
Monica

Okay so this is gonna be a quick rant that I need to get out.

Now, the idea of them doing so scares the crap out of me because it could very well lead to me coming out, which I mean I want, but it still scares the crap out of me. But my parent's they push everything. Everything except when they ask if I'm okay.

Two or three times a week they ask if I'm okay, because even they most notice I'm not doing great, but I just say yes, and that's it. They're done and fine with that answer. They don't push at all, it's obvious that I'm not okay, but they don't even try.

But what do they push? They push constantly about how I need to get out of the house, I need to meet people, you need to get out of the house, you can't stay in the house so much, you need to go places and have a life, you never leave the house, you don't have a life, you need to go out and meet people and hang out with people even if I don't like them because I need to or something and blah blah blah.

And then constantly shooting off of that it's my dad's constant if I don't get myself together I'll end up in a home or some ->-bleeped-<- when they're all gone.

And on and on about how I need to start acting like myself again, I need to talk more, I need to this and that, and my favorite, you need to change your meds these obviously aren't working.

They push and push and push every little thing that upsets THEM. But when it comes to finding out whats upsetting me, it's one and done.

Dear Reyes,
   I don't know if this will help, but I will offer it. I  can relate to what you are saying, but I come to it from the angle of the parent. My son has had a difficult time in the past. He took a while to find himself, he always looked like he was depressed or distressed. Something was obviously wrong but whenever we would ask, he would not let us in on what it was. This went on for a long time. As a parent, it is a very helpless feeling. You want to help, so you ask. Asking too much seemed like it would just distance him further. Meanwhile, we saw that he was isolating himself, spending a lot of time moping around, being miserable. We wanted to help, but how could we do anything? We thought maybe if he took some positive steps by doing X or Y, he would come around, maybe gain some confidence. So we urged him to do X and Y, but nothing worked. I guess what I am saying is maybe your parents do push a bit too much, but it sounds like they do care. If you stonewall them, they are bound to be frustrated. Maybe they seem to be a pain in the butt from your perspective. It does take two sides to make it work. Perhaps if you make an effort to work with them, they will respond. You don't even need to start with the trans topic. You said yourself that they ask two or three times a week if you are okay. Sounds like they want to communicate. Wouldn't it be great if you could get to a point where you could work together on some things you want for your life? Build some trust then go for the trans issue if that is what you want. Hope you figure it out!
Moni

Just thought I'd fill everyone in. After Sunday, which was absolutely awful, the past few days, other then when in the shower, I've been doing fine, no negative feelings, haven't even really thought about it much.

Until like half an hour ago anyway, they started flowing around again.

Hi Reyes.
I just came out to my therapist yesterday.  Still closeted for everyone else.  I have been dealing with this since I was 10 years old, 49
years ago.  I sympathize with wanting to stay home and safe while you work out your gender identity.  But your parents are right, you have to keep living while you work through this.  Some classic signs of gender dysphoria are home bound, isolation, withdrawal from social activities.  To work through your gender issues, you need a positive mind and attitude.  I wish I had done it so much earlier in my life.

Best of luck and keep fighting for yourself!

Ellen

Esh.. That is rough!

I can relate. I used to be a VERY social person. I would go out everynight of the week, always telling jokes and having a good time. However, now that I am in a new city, I rarely hangout with others or even attempt to build new relationships.

I just don't want to have to come out to more people!

But I have realized that getting out of the house is good, so I've been trying to slowly get involved in the trans scene locally here in Houston. Having a laugh or two is just good for the soul!

I wish I could do any of that, sadly I'm a pathetic excuse for a human being.
I'm 28 and I still don't drive, always been scared to, so I have to relay on my parents to go most anywhere, so I can pretty much never go anywhere without them knowing.
And even if I wanted to I never would because I am, I dunno, so set in my ways, or everything I do, what little there is is so expected, that I can't bring myself to do anything different, because whenever I do my parent's decide to make a big deal out of it and I can't stand that.
A few weeks ago I accepted my sister and her friends invite to go to dinner with them, mainly because I have a serious crush on her friend, and honestly if it turns out she's straight I am going to be very disappointed, lol.
But then the next day I'm on the phone with my mom for like an hour with her asking me things about how it was and all that and I just want her to shut up, because it's ridiculous.
I have serious depression, anxiety, panic attacks, very strained nerves, slight ocd, no self esteem, no self confidence, and very slight aspergers, so I'm pretty much one big mess.
And it's all just so unfair because I came out already to him, I didn't hint at it, I said I feel I am transgender, and it was like he was barely interested or something, he never is with anything I tell him, and then he goes and completely forgets, I'm guessing by the next morning.
And now because of that I am just so very deep in the closet, that I'm honestly not positive I'll ever come out.
I've pretty much accepted at this point that I'm gonna live my entire life miserable and alone. Well, not completely alone since what my dad once said is probably gonna come true and I'm gonna end up in some group home after he dies.
And despite how often I imagine my life after, I honestly can't contemplate anymore my life turning out in any other way then what I just described.
,,I'm really sorry about this post and how negative it is, and how stupid I am saying all this, but y'know, I point you up to my first line..

Quote from: Reyes on June 25, 2016, 09:58:02 PM
I wish I could do any of that, sadly I'm a pathetic excuse for a human being.
I'm 28 and I still don't drive, always been scared to, so I have to relay on my parents to go most anywhere, so I can pretty much never go anywhere without them knowing.
And even if I wanted to I never would because I am, I dunno, so set in my ways, or everything I do, what little there is is so expected, that I can't bring myself to do anything different, because whenever I do my parent's decide to make a big deal out of it and I can't stand that.
A few weeks ago I accepted my sister and her friends invite to go to dinner with them, mainly because I have a serious crush on her friend, and honestly if it turns out she's straight I am going to be very disappointed, lol.
But then the next day I'm on the phone with my mom for like an hour with her asking me things about how it was and all that and I just want her to shut up, because it's ridiculous.
I have serious depression, anxiety, panic attacks, very strained nerves, slight ocd, no self esteem, no self confidence, and very slight aspergers, so I'm pretty much one big mess.
And it's all just so unfair because I came out already to him, I didn't hint at it, I said I feel I am transgender, and it was like he was barely interested or something, he never is with anything I tell him, and then he goes and completely forgets, I'm guessing by the next morning.
And now because of that I am just so very deep in the closet, that I'm honestly not positive I'll ever come out.
I've pretty much accepted at this point that I'm gonna live my entire life miserable and alone. Well, not completely alone since what my dad once said is probably gonna come true and I'm gonna end up in some group home after he dies.
And despite how often I imagine my life after, I honestly can't contemplate anymore my life turning out in any other way then what I just described.
,,I'm really sorry about this post and how negative it is, and how stupid I am saying all this, but y'know, I point you up to my first line..

No need to apologize love, I am the queen of negative thinking sometimes!

Two nights ago I sat in the bathtub after shaving my legs staring at the wall thinking how much my life sucks for nearly an hour. I also have ocd, not the fake ocd everyone talks about, I have various ritualistic behaviors that MUST be completed, like touching the right faucet handle with my right hand, then the left with my right hand, then both hands touching both handles among other many other things. No worries there!

I'll tell ya a quick story my great grandma used to tell me before she passed. She read a book about Troy Aikman, the football player, and she would always repeat phrases from the book, I think she had a crush on him, "No matter how difficult and permanent things seem, things change." Was her favorite.

This has always stuck with me.

Things will change.

8 years ago I lived in Florida, then North Carolina, then California and now I'm alone in Houston returning to college for Accounting. I had no idea about any of this, things just change, even sometimes when I didn't want them too.

I don't know you personally, but you seem to be a good person going through a lot. Take it easy on yourself, your doing well for your situation, give yourself some credit!

I honestly feel so much of what you say Reyes, about everything. Of course as everyone says we are all different, but ever since I went through the emotional meat grinder of school I was obsessed with keeping everything 'normal' at home, and that was the biggest barrier to me coming out, since I didn't have a plan for just how transitioning around my parents would work whilst trying to keep things as 'not weird' as possible, which feels a little similar to what you are have been telling us about, wanting to keep everything around the status quo.

Obviously you are free to do as you want, and all we can offer is advise and sympathy, but it sounds very much to me that you know you are deeply unhappy with your life, and I really hope you can find and pursue what you feel can dig you out of that, no matter what. After all, feelings are temporary, but your life is forever (relatively speaking), and you deserve the happiest one possible, and you shouldn't let anything tell you otherwise.

I don't know if any of that meant anything to anyone else but me, but just don't give up hope ok?

Lily

Quote from: Reyes on June 13, 2016, 12:54:48 AM
Thanks everyone who welcomed me. :3

So, to start off, I'm still in the closet, like very very deep, honestly I don't think I'll ever be able to come out.

I only realized I was mtf eight months ago. Before that I actually never even considered that, it ended up being a betrayal by a friend online and something their boyfriend said that I kinda interpreted wrong, but anyway, it didn't end happily, and over the rest of the day I realized maybe the reason it effected me so drastically was, well y'know.

But I've really never been happy, not really, but now I know why, but while I'm fine alone and online, mostly, at this current time I have absolutely no interest in being around anyone in my family because I just get so nervous and uncomfortable.

This last bit, sounds so much like me it´s crazy. I like you am fine alone and online and also i have isolated myself and have never let anyone come close to me, except my mom. never been to close to my dad.

Though i never connected the dots and i still haven´t fully, the thought though came from a customer a female who was brave enough to ask directly if i was transitioning, which at the time hit like a ton of bricks i got all "no no no" of course not i am MAN after all. But the idea lingered and it finally began to express itself when i began college.

But like you i am also still very very much in the closet.

Something I'm very confused about, I really do not understand why sometimes when imaging what my life would be like I absolutely love it, but other times, at random really, when I start to think about coming out and after I start to have like a panic attack filled with nope don't want fear.

Also, Gender Dysphoria is a very weird thing, when it comes to my reflection, I've never liked the way I look, like at all, but now, I dunno, I mean I still don't like it, but what I mean is, I look in the mirror now, and it doesn't even feel I'm looking at my reflection, like I feel no connection whatsoever, and sometimes I get this feeling, I dunno how to describe it, I think like, disconcerting I guess.

We spend our life protecting ourself from others by keeping our secret from others. Over time the fear of someone discovering our secret becomes greater and we are that much more alert that we don't leave clues laying around. When it's no longer required we keep the secret, we still can't let go. I think the most terrifying moment I had was the first time I walked out the door as Dena. I had a therapy appointment I needed to attend so staying home was not an option. Still it took me two tries to open that door and walk out. After that, each trip became easer until the door was no longer a barrier.

Quote from: Reyes on June 27, 2016, 12:19:32 AM
Something I'm very confused about, I really do not understand why sometimes when imaging what my life would be like I absolutely love it, but other times, at random really, when I start to think about coming out and after I start to have like a panic attack filled with nope don't want fear.

Also, Gender Dysphoria is a very weird thing, when it comes to my reflection, I've never liked the way I look, like at all, but now, I dunno, I mean I still don't like it, but what I mean is, I look in the mirror now, and it doesn't even feel I'm looking at my reflection, like I feel no connection whatsoever, and sometimes I get this feeling, I dunno how to describe it, I think like, disconcerting I guess.

I have those feelings to, when im at college and doing the normal day routine i do not hate my life and i am content with how it is, but it´s when i come home and i am alone with my thought´s it really begins. Like with the mirror, i hate that looking back at me, it´s not me.

So yes Gender Dysphoria is weird.

Quote from: Reyes on June 27, 2016, 12:19:32 AM
Also, Gender Dysphoria is a very weird thing, when it comes to my reflection, I've never liked the way I look, like at all, but now, I dunno, I mean I still don't like it, but what I mean is, I look in the mirror now, and it doesn't even feel I'm looking at my reflection, like I feel no connection whatsoever, and sometimes I get this feeling, I dunno how to describe it, I think like, disconcerting I guess.

This seems to be pretty common with us.

Several years ago I did a remodel of our master bath.  At the time, I had a pretty good idea that I secretly wanted a female body, was dressing in secret, and had been this way for decades. In the remodel, without any conscious thought regarding my dysphoria, I got rid of the huge low topped double vanity and wall sized mirror. I installed jack-n-jill high topped single vanities, each with its own oval adjustable tilt mirror.

It wasn't til recently that I consciously realized that the setup made it impossible to see anything below the waist in the mirrors as I walked between the shower and closet. Tricksy subconscious minds...

Quote from: Reyes on June 27, 2016, 12:19:32 AM
Something I'm very confused about, I really do not understand why sometimes when imaging what my life would be like I absolutely love it, but other times, at random really, when I start to think about coming out and after I start to have like a panic attack filled with nope don't want fear.

I totally know what you mean! For me I realised it was because I actually wanted it so badly, like my mind was freaking out because it was striking a very real possibility. I used to search how I felt about hypothetically coming out as something else, like being gay for example, but I never felt a thing, since it didn't apply to me (I think, still working on that bit). But I guess the point of what I am trying to say is not to fear that fear (there's a quote about that somewhere), it might mean that you are close to something really important, and you shouldn't run away from it, no matter how scary it feels

Lily

Once again thanks to everyone for their replies. :3
I have to say, what makes all of this so hard for me is the fact that I already came out, and it's not like the person I told was hit by a bus two minutes later or ended up with amnesia, he forgot.
And then today he basically screws me over again on something different. We all share an amazon prime account, which my father pays for, and a few months ago he had to get a new debit card, so he didn't have one on Amazon anymore, but eventually he got a new card, and about two months ago I started seeing a message at all times on Amazon saying how the Prime membership will be billed in two months.
And I told him, cause my card is the only one on there now, and he said not to worry, that he'll add his card back by then. And I told him several more times since then.
And now today I check my bank account online, and it charged me for the membership.
So I go out to my father, because this is ridiculous, again and again I told him and he never did anything even though he said he would. And I tell him how it took 100 dollars out of my account and now I only have 80 dollars left in there.
And does he apologize? Says he'll pay me back? No. He goes "Why do you only have 80 dollars left?"
Like I'm the one who screwed up here. Never even bothers to apologize or say jack ->-bleeped-<- except question why I only have 80 dollars left.

I don't know the full details of your relationship with your Dad, but to me it sounds like he is very selective about what he wants to acknowledge, which isn't great at all when there is something really important you want to talk to him about. Obviously I'm just saying how things seem from what you've told us, but I'm not surprised that you have strong anxiety about coming out or even talking about your feelings after the only person you chose to confide in turned a blind eye. It is so important to remember though that everyone is different, and there are loads of people who will be a thousand times more supportive than your Father, people like your therapist who only want to help you through all the distress you feel every day.

Lily