Quote from: sigsi on July 17, 2016, 01:05:01 AM

Quote from: FTMax on July 16, 2016, 11:39:30 AM
It helped for me to see food for what it was - fuel - and to start treating eating like a chore instead of something enjoyable. I stopped buying low quality fuel (no junk food, no soda, very few shelf stable items) and did the math to figure out how much I needed to fill the tank for the day, and what that should look like when spread out over 8 hours. Once a week, I can cheat and have things I love to eat. But that's it - just once a week, and even then, it's in limited quantities.

I dealt with an unspecified eating disorder (anorexia/binging/exercising/fasting). In a twisted way, my old eating habits similarity lines up to how your healthy eating is now (healthy food all week, eat what I want one day at the end, food is fuel type of thing). I eventually stopped eating, but yeah. I eat mostly "normal" now, but definitely not what is considered healthy. I'm afraid if I attempt to eat healthy and exercise, I'll spiral back into my habits from three years ago. Not to mention exercise itself now causes panic attacks from old thought patterns.... I know I need a therapist, I'm working on the process with insurances.
I don't know how you are, but if you were ever fearful of spiraling, did it ever reach a point where you didn't fear that anymore?

For me, the big concern is stress eating. My job is pretty stressful, and my life in general right now is causing me a lot of anxiety so there is a big risk of turning back to old habits. I have a very specific weight goal I need to be at, and I have a fairly specific timeline for when that needs to be achieved by (for surgery). I'm not sure whether or not my eating habits will change after I've reached that goal. I do feel a lot better in general, more energy, no fatigue, bloating, or stomach issues like I previously had. So having that positive anecdotal "data" for me, makes it an easier decision to at least stay mindful of what and how much I'm consuming - not necessarily from a weight loss or weight maintenance standpoint, but from a point of overall health.

The only thing I've ever struggled with, and have "fallen off the bandwagon" with has been my self control. I'm out and about for most of my work day in a very large city, so good food is readily available just about everywhere, and it's heavily advertised. It's super tempting to tell myself, "Oh, I could pop into this shop and grab a sandwich. I have a sandwich in my bag, but this one looks great and I can just eat this one in place of the one I have." Especially if I'm stressed out, my self control in those kind of situations is very low. So it's something I've had to be mindful of. All calories aren't created equal. This was partially why I built a cheat day into my schedule. It's much easier to convince my brain that I don't need that sandwich when I know I'm having cake on Sunday.

Stress eating was my issue as well. It quickly adds on the pounds too. It can be rather stressful in my house and so it can really drive me to food quick sometimes. Hugs
Mariah

Quote from: FTMax on July 17, 2016, 10:07:33 AM
I dealt with an unspecified eating disorder (anorexia/binging/exercising/fasting). In a twisted way, my old eating habits similarity lines up to how your healthy eating is now (healthy food all week, eat what I want one day at the end, food is fuel type of thing). I eventually stopped eating, but yeah. I eat mostly "normal" now, but definitely not what is considered healthy. I'm afraid if I attempt to eat healthy and exercise, I'll spiral back into my habits from three years ago. Not to mention exercise itself now causes panic attacks from old thought patterns.... I know I need a therapist, I'm working on the process with insurances.
I don't know how you are, but if you were ever fearful of spiraling, did it ever reach a point where you didn't fear that anymore?


For me, the big concern is stress eating. My job is pretty stressful, and my life in general right now is causing me a lot of anxiety so there is a big risk of turning back to old habits. I have a very specific weight goal I need to be at, and I have a fairly specific timeline for when that needs to be achieved by (for surgery). I'm not sure whether or not my eating habits will change after I've reached that goal. I do feel a lot better in general, more energy, no fatigue, bloating, or stomach issues like I previously had. So having that positive anecdotal "data" for me, makes it an easier decision to at least stay mindful of what and how much I'm consuming - not necessarily from a weight loss or weight maintenance standpoint, but from a point of overall health.

The only thing I've ever struggled with, and have "fallen off the bandwagon" with has been my self control. I'm out and about for most of my work day in a very large city, so good food is readily available just about everywhere, and it's heavily advertised. It's super tempting to tell myself, "Oh, I could pop into this shop and grab a sandwich. I have a sandwich in my bag, but this one looks great and I can just eat this one in place of the one I have." Especially if I'm stressed out, my self control in those kind of situations is very low. So it's something I've had to be mindful of. All calories aren't created equal. This was partially why I built a cheat day into my schedule. It's much easier to convince my brain that I don't need that sandwich when I know I'm having cake on Sunday.

What is also upsetting for me is how my dad constantly reminds me of my mom's past errors, as if I am either somehow the cause of them happening or as if I alone can somehow fix them. Like just yesterday, the mere mentioning of my vomiting, due to medicine and not bulimia, sent him into the past and he immediately brought up my mom in a disgraceful manner about her own bulimia. So instead of arguing, I politely asked him to change topics and after a sarcastic comment he finally stopped his tirade rant against my mom. He talks about her addictions as if they are current and as if she decided to do them (like drinking, smoking, the bulimia). Just no support or sympathy what soever.....and he claims to still be in love with her even now while being married to another woman with whom he is separated from right now. What a class-A moron he is!

I wanted to punch him, but realized that he is not worth going to jail over. He has no idea I have this. He has no idea that it can be genetic and that it is not something people choose to do. He is a major contributor to my stress. He obviously suffers, not only from narcissism, but severe PTSD. It is so dreadfully annoying it makes me want to end my life sometimes. I am tired of being told that I never do anything right, that this and that would not have happened if I did this or that, that I should have done this or that....should, should, should, would, did,....he is a depressed sack of nothing cause he lives in past tense. He doesn't even live in the present. It is so pathetic that it makes me sick to my stomach!

I'm sorry to hear how your dad is. Mine (who i live with as well) says hurtful offensive things too. Just the other day he called my depression 'a funny turn' and he's never been supportive of anything I do and always gives mixed messages. Like your dad he lives in the past by mentioning his anxiety of mixing with people from work and his ability to get over it; like that's comparable to my social anxiety in any way. But I'm starting to learn to ignore him and live my own life. Which from your posts I can see you now doing which is great .

In the past I had what could be classed as a food disorder; although I didn't realise it at the time. Through college at 16 I constantly ate junk food to help my depression. Through the years I stop doing that then start again. Around xmas time I had a really bad depression filled few months and couldn't stop myself from eating junk food. Now I'm better again. Antidepressants and therapy has helped a lot.

Quote from: Elis on July 18, 2016, 05:21:02 AM
I'm sorry to hear how your dad is. Mine (who i live with as well) says hurtful offensive things too. Just the other day he called my depression 'a funny turn' and he's never been supportive of anything I do and always gives mixed messages. Like your dad he lives in the past by mentioning his anxiety of mixing with people from work and his ability to get over it; like that's comparable to my social anxiety in any way. But I'm starting to learn to ignore him and live my own life. Which from your posts I can see you now doing which is great .

In the past I had what could be classed as a food disorder; although I didn't realise it at the time. Through college at 16 I constantly ate junk food to help my depression. Through the years I stop doing that then start again. Around xmas time I had a really bad depression filled few months and couldn't stop myself from eating junk food. Now I'm better again. Antidepressants and therapy has helped a lot.

Hey man, thanks for understanding

I'm glad that there are people who really get it. In fact, thank you all so much.

I am trying so very hard to ignore that father of mine, Elis. It feels like he really wants to push my buttons but I don't give in to it like I did when I was younger. Like every day is an opportunity for me to become wiser and stronger in my transgender identity, as well as my other identities. I'm sorry to hear that your dad is like mine. I hear lots of people say it is normal for dads to act that way. But I disagree. Dads should protect us, not discourage us and put us down as if we are the lowest scum of the earth. All the more reason to cut off my own dad.

I hope things have truly improved for you with the antidepressants and therapy. I can't seem to find either one that is a perfect fit for me....

Quote from: Tristyn on July 06, 2016, 09:05:10 PM
I don't really even care about being male or female anymore. I just want happiness in my life and I don't have it. As if I am forbidden to feel such an emotion. I don't care about improving my situation. I just want death now so I can sleep. I am tired.

It really does get better than this. I was just like you. I hoped not to wake up every time I went to bed because life felt like a burden. It really does get better, though.

I had to change some things. Change of career. Different job. Lifestyle stuff. Riding a bike to work did wonders for my mental health. Dating somebody with a higher maturity level than who I'd been dating before. And that was all before I transitioned (although I did put off transition longer than I should have ... guess I was afraid to deal with it).

I would not fixate on being a cis female. It will never happen; you have a male brain. There is no way to turn a male brain into a female brain and you wouldn't want to try. You wouldn't be you any more if they cut up your brain. The good news is the same hormones that can give your brain a boost also change your body to better align with your body map, a 1-2 punch against dysphoria. I would not dismiss what HRT can do for you. I had so many vague "illnesses" and they were all caused by high Estrogen levels (and Progesterone), but I and my doctors kept attributing it to other things--mood disorder, allergies, maybe it could be my blood sugar or my thyroid (tests proved it wasn't either one of those). I thought maybe I had a mitochondrial disorder because I was fatigued all the time. Maybe it was viral syndrome. I read up about "adverse childhood events" (lord knows I had plenty of those), convinced I was somaticizing my childhood to be miserable and sick as an adult. Nope, nope, nope. It was the hormones all along. They profoundly affected my health and ability to cope.

It helped me for a long time to try to find ways to accept my body, to accept my role as a male with a female body. It wasn't a panacea but it bought me time until I was able to transition. I didn't think every day "I wish I were cis". I just said to myself "there's nothing wrong with my body, I can accept what's good about it even if I secretly wish I didn't look like this."

Quote from: AnxietyDisord3r on July 18, 2016, 05:46:27 AM
It really does get better than this. I was just like you. I hoped not to wake up every time I went to bed because life felt like a burden. It really does get better, though.

I had to change some things. Change of career. Different job. Lifestyle stuff. Riding a bike to work did wonders for my mental health. Dating somebody with a higher maturity level than who I'd been dating before. And that was all before I transitioned (although I did put off transition longer than I should have ... guess I was afraid to deal with it).

I would not fixate on being a cis female. It will never happen; you have a male brain. There is no way to turn a male brain into a female brain and you wouldn't want to try. You wouldn't be you any more if they cut up your brain. The good news is the same hormones that can give your brain a boost also change your body to better align with your body map, a 1-2 punch against dysphoria. I would not dismiss what HRT can do for you. I had so many vague "illnesses" and they were all caused by high Estrogen levels (and Progesterone), but I and my doctors kept attributing it to other things--mood disorder, allergies, maybe it could be my blood sugar or my thyroid (tests proved it wasn't either one of those). I thought maybe I had a mitochondrial disorder because I was fatigued all the time. Maybe it was viral syndrome. I read up about "adverse childhood events" (lord knows I had plenty of those), convinced I was somaticizing my childhood to be miserable and sick as an adult. Nope, nope, nope. It was the hormones all along. They profoundly affected my health and ability to cope.

It helped me for a long time to try to find ways to accept my body, to accept my role as a male with a female body. It wasn't a panacea but it bought me time until I was able to transition. I didn't think every day "I wish I were cis". I just said to myself "there's nothing wrong with my body, I can accept what's good about it even if I secretly wish I didn't look like this."

I think I can relate for sure with how you felt prior to you being on hormones. Like everyone I have seen for mental health never once thought that my low levels of T is having an effect on me in negative ways. I don't want to think so much about trying to be normal anymore, cause it ain't gonna happen. I need to learn to love and accept myself for who I am, regardless of this body. My female body is not who I am. And I know this and as long as I know then I'm ok.

Quote from: Tristyn on July 18, 2016, 04:49:21 AM
What is also upsetting for me is how my dad constantly reminds me of my mom's past errors, as if I am either somehow the cause of them happening or as if I alone can somehow fix them. Like just yesterday, the mere mentioning of my vomiting, due to medicine and not bulimia, sent him into the past and he immediately brought up my mom in a disgraceful manner about her own bulimia. So instead of arguing, I politely asked him to change topics and after a sarcastic comment he finally stopped his tirade rant against my mom. He talks about her addictions as if they are current and as if she decided to do them (like drinking, smoking, the bulimia). Just no support or sympathy what soever.....and he claims to still be in love with her even now while being married to another woman with whom he is separated from right now. What a class-A moron he is!

I wanted to punch him, but realized that he is not worth going to jail over. He has no idea I have this. He has no idea that it can be genetic and that it is not something people choose to do. He is a major contributor to my stress. He obviously suffers, not only from narcissism, but severe PTSD. It is so dreadfully annoying it makes me want to end my life sometimes. I am tired of being told that I never do anything right, that this and that would not have happened if I did this or that, that I should have done this or that....should, should, should, would, did,....he is a depressed sack of nothing cause he lives in past tense. He doesn't even live in the present. It is so pathetic that it makes me sick to my stomach!

I feel you on having a narcissistic parent. I decided to move halfway across the country to get away from my mom. It helped to estrange me from my dad, but he's weak and knuckles under to her. My mother is so toxic, I needed to be away from her to be happy. It's very painful when someone who is supposed to love you just uses you to feed their ego. Fortunately there are more people in the world than narcissists. At least we know what a narcissist is like and can avoid getting suckered in.

Quote from: Tristyn on July 18, 2016, 05:53:34 AM
I think I can relate for sure with how you felt prior to you being on hormones. Like everyone I have seen for mental health never once thought that my low levels of T is having an effect on me in negative ways. I don't want to think so much about trying to be normal anymore, cause it ain't gonna happen. I need to learn to love and accept myself for who I am, regardless of this body. My female body is not who I am. And I know this and as long as I know then I'm ok.

I have seen so many MTF and FTM people (binary and non binary) get better, calmer, happier on hormones, often very quickly so. You'd think healthcare providers would catch on. It's a neurological issue! Not psychiatric!

I am wondering if I should change my insurance so I can see this one endocrinologist who I know for sure will accept me as his patient and treat me to hormones. I will look into having it changed today. I can't take living like this a second longer. That's it, I am changing my insurance plans.

Quote from: Tristyn on July 18, 2016, 06:07:35 AM
I am wondering if I should change my insurance so I can see this one endocrinologist who I know for sure will accept me as his patient and treat me to hormones. I will look into having it changed today. I can't take living like this a second longer. That's it, I am changing my insurance plans.

Glad to hear it . Btw; I've always liked the name Tristyn; great choice man

It's your call Tristyn, but sounds like it would benefit you. You need to do what is best for you. Hugs
Mariah

Quote from: Tristyn on July 18, 2016, 06:07:35 AM
I am wondering if I should change my insurance so I can see this one endocrinologist who I know for sure will accept me as his patient and treat me to hormones. I will look into having it changed today. I can't take living like this a second longer. That's it, I am changing my insurance plans.

i'M GOING TO KILL MYSELF

I CANT TAKE THIS ANYMORE

NO ONE IS HELPING ME

Then what can we do to help you Tristyn? Hugs
Mariah

Quote from: Tristyn on July 18, 2016, 10:49:41 AM
NO ONE IS HELPING ME

What can we do to help? You can PM me anytime you want. I hope you're ok.

Im going top hang myself like i should have a long time ago

FORGET THIS LIFE I AM READY TO DIE

IMMA GO TO THE GUN SHOP CLOSE BY AND BUY THE CHEAPEST PISTOL I CAN FIND AND JUST DO IT TONIGHT