Quote from: Randy1980 on June 09, 2016, 01:59:57 PM
How did you who have transitioned or decided to every get past the fears of all the obsricles you knew you would face.. It just seems like I will never get the courage to do what I truly want.. I mean I think about my kids.. And breaking my parents heart and disappointing them..then there is the fact of losing employment or finding the right job that will except me if I do Lose my job.. That's a huge fear being that my family financially depends on me.. I have fears of bringing chaos to my family and turning us into outcast how can I do that to them knowing that we have a good life and a SD socially excepted right now.. I think about my kids being in school and not being able to talk about how cool and strong there dad is and having to explain that there dad is now a woman.. Would it be to selfish for me to transition my kids don't deserve to have to deal with that.. I mean I'm not at the point that I have to transition but its something that I really want I'm not depressed or suicidal I don't have extreme dysphoria I don't hate being a male I would just much rather be a woman because I know that's what I truly amso many things to consider.. How did all of you finally get past all of theses fears and finally make the decision to just go for it

Hmmm, i got past it by coming to terms with my trueself. I have never felt male and have suffered every day because of it, never feeling comfertable or getting close to someone.

So it was either not live at all or coming out and coming to terms with reality. Easy choice in the end.

Quote from: Randy1980 on June 09, 2016, 01:59:57 PM
How did you who have transitioned or decided to every get past the fears of all the obsricles you knew you would face.. It just seems like I will never get the courage to do what I truly want.. I mean I think about my kids.. And breaking my parents heart and disappointing them..

That's pretty much the stage I'm at right now. I want to socially transition but I'm just so terrified of being rejected by everyone I care about. I also worry about my kids. My step-daughter is seven and I have no idea where her mom stands on trans issues. My other two are only one and almost three, so they're very young still. My partner is still with me after I came out to him, but I don't think he quite gets it cause he constantly misgenders me (despite insisting that he "accepts me" as trans). My mom I came out to again and she acted even worse than my partner. She told me "there's a reason why most people won't make those choices until much later in life"... basically saying I should stay closeted until I'm old... it hurt to hear that. But the dysphoria and the amplified depression and anxiety are also very painful. Hopefully I'll be getting help with my babies so that I can see a gender therapist and finally begin my (slow) transition.

Quote from: Randy1980 on June 10, 2016, 08:42:01 AM
Thank you all for your replies they are very helpful and encouraging to hear.. It seems like most of you took the leap because you felt you got to the point that you had to.. I guess what I have to figure out is if I should roll the dice and stay living as a male and hope I don't developer bad dysphoria or anxiety and get to the point that I have to transition in order to save my life or do I just go for it now.. I mean right now I have a good life and I don't hate being male right now I live relatively happy as a man I just desire to be a woman much more.. I guess I just feel safe being a man and I'm do good at it lol but there is much to think about.. It's a very confusing life we trans live and a scary one

I was in your shoes once. I was okay for a while ... maybe five years, maybe longer. Unfortunately, all those hormones have a cumulative effect, until I ended up very not okay. Like some posters here, panic attacks, personal crisis, did therapy, dealt with all the other issues, that left the one I'd been putting off.

The other problem is that it really doesn't get easier to transition later in life except for the money thing.

I also really discounted how much of my unhappiness and discomfort was due to dysphoria. I blamed a lot of other things--abusive household growing up, Asperger's syndrome, bad economy, George W. Bush (seriously!). I always had an excuse for being miserable, dysphoric, and depressed. I also had no idea how much of my feelings of physical unwellness were due to the wrong hormones. I felt like I was chronically sick.

I always thought I would die with this secret kept locked away.  Over the many years I gave in here or there in a small way.  Ear piercing for example.  I managed to make it into my 40's before I realized I wasn't going to make it and told my wife.  Even then I didn't plan on doing it and kept fighting.  It took 2 years from after telling my wife to when I went full time.  Yes I have kids, college age.  They had and still have a rough time. 
Trying to go slow and gradual when everything inside of you says go now is hard but if you love those who love you, it's the only kindness you can offer. 
People say that I am brave and that it took amazing courage to do this.  Honestly, I had no real choice.  I lost my fight with it.  As I slowly transitioned I made plans and acted on them, slowly.  Hair removal, therapy, hormones, etc... 
Forgive my boldness in giving advice but, go slow.  It's hard for you but far better for those around you.

Good luck honey

This is a great question, and one that is central to the whole process of transitioning.

Firstly, I don't think we get past all our fears, but just decide that we must face them (but not all at once). It's cliched, I know, but it's all about taking one step at a time; that is small, manageable steps. I think an initial phase of "stealth" transition where you adjust your weight; start HRT; make cosmetic changes (such as facial laser-hair removal for trans women); increase the frequency of presenting yourself in public as your preferred gender, but not necessarily "make the giant leap" of announcing your transition to everyone. I will never forget the instant I decided to transition, and made an appointment with my gender clinic. In my mind, the words, "Okay, let's do it" marked that instant.

This initial "leap", where in your own mind you have reached a tipping point where you certain that you want, indeed that you need to transition, will in time lead inevitably to the final leap where you make it generally known that you are transitioning. I'm on the verge of this second and most difficult leap (which is possibly the one you're actually referring to). For me, my two fears are the effect my announcement will have on those I love followed by the effect it will have on my employment. I still present as a male at work, but have to wear a sports bra to hide my breasts (I had breasts even before I started HRT just over three months ago, and they have grown even larger since then). Clearly, I can't keep this up for ever.

The calculus of deciding when to make the final leap (i.e. the grand announcement) is complex, and depends on your personal circumstances. But the surety and determination that I have made the right decision to transition, not to mention the inner peace it has brought, will, I am sure, help me get past my final fears.

Once I can out to my wife and she was totally supportive, my fears almost vanished. This is a long process. For my own sanity I try not to get caught up looking too far ahead. I take it one step and one day at a time. I don't know how it will end, but that is true in a lot of things in life. My situation is that I am older, will be retiring soon, and my children are grown. I don't have the concern of the job or the influence this may have on small children. I am financially set and can buy or do whatever I want. After reading this entire thread to me it seems that this is different for everyone depending on a lot of factors. As others have said discuss all this with your wife and therapist and seek support. If my kids were young I would not do it. To me they are the most important things in my life, and I would never do anything to hurt them. You also need to be able to support them, sometimes into their 20's!. To me they are my first priority in my life. That is just me though. My dysphoria was mild and I could, and did, deal with it.

I try not to focus on what I may lose. Instead I focus on what I will gain. I do not believe that my entire family and all my friends are going to desert me because of this change. Some may have a problem with it, but they will either support me or not. I can always make new friends who do. I will gain a new satisfaction with myself and feel like the complete person I was meant to be.

Quote from: Debbie on July 10, 2016, 10:35:20 PM
This is a great question, and one that is central to the whole process of transitioning.

Firstly, I don't think we get past all our fears, but just decide that we must face them (but not all at once). It's cliched, I know, but it's all about taking one step at a time; that is small, manageable steps. I think an initial phase of "stealth" transition where you adjust your weight; start HRT; make cosmetic changes (such as facial laser-hair removal for trans women); increase the frequency of presenting yourself in public as your preferred gender, but not necessarily "make the giant leap" of announcing your transition to everyone. I will never forget the instant I decided to transition, and made an appointment with my gender clinic. In my mind, the words, "Okay, let's do it" marked that instant.

This initial "leap", where in your own mind you have reached a tipping point where you certain that you want, indeed that you need to transition, will in time lead inevitably to the final leap where you make it generally known that you are transitioning. I'm on the verge of this second and most difficult leap (which is possibly the one you're actually referring to). For me, my two fears are the effect my announcement will have on those I love followed by the effect it will have on my employment. I still present as a male at work, but have to wear a sports bra to hide my breasts (I had breasts even before I started HRT just over three months ago, and they have grown even larger since then). Clearly, I can't keep this up for ever.

The calculus of deciding when to make the final leap (i.e. the grand announcement) is complex, and depends on your personal circumstances. But the surety and determination that I have made the right decision to transition, not to mention the inner peace it has brought, will, I am sure, help me get past my final fears.

Really helpful to see it all set out like this. I acknowledged that I'm trans a couple of months ago, and told a couple people close to me. I've just started some counseling and have also told my psychiatrist, who was supportive. The trick is now trying to figure out what changes I want to make and how. I don't want to do anything more permanent till I'm done the set of counseling sessions in October. But I am doing things like dressing more masculine, and going today to cut my long hair which feels like a huge psychological leap (gulp). I'm working on losing weight in the meantime too.

Down the road, I want to legally change my name/gender and go on T. But I need time first to process that. I keep reminding myself that I control the pace of this transition. I am feeling a lot of anxiety though because I've been invited to be an attendant at my best friend's wedding in the southern Mediterranean, a destination wedding but in a church (read: very expensive trip) early next spring. I am faced with being 'out' now to not only my friend and partner and the wedding party, but all the parents (including some very conservative folks). So it would be either make no changes at all, not tell the parents or wedding party, and present as female as always, or go as a male early on T, masculine clothes (my preference, if it is even allowed in the church)... kind of like the awkward teen years. First of all, I'm not religious, but it's a Catholic church, so... traditional. And then a week of events.

I'm more inclined to bow out for both financial reasons and feeling the pressure to be out to all these people that I'm not ready for - the day shouldn't be about me obviously and I don't want to be a distraction. But being forced to wear a dress and go to church (which I did 3 years ago to become their child's godparent), was a much hated activity when I was teen and felt fake to me for so many reasons. I hate to think I'd have to do this all again just to please the people around me and not rock the boat. And also be out thousands of dollars for this trip. Selfish, I know. It's really tough and has created a lot of anxiety for me.

I put the fears a side and through caution to the wind. I knew I couldn't live any longer without transitioning. So I did. I planned everything out as best I could and from their I let the cards fall where they maybe. Hugs
Mariah

My wife asked me a related question recently: what if you transition and then regret it?  Good question, one that got me thinking.  For me, there is no "transition or die" imperative.  The "or die" part just isn't in my makeup, so my worst case is regret.

I don't think I will regret transitioning.  I have wanted it for so long, I can't imagine regretting it.  But I can't see the future, so maybe something will happen to make me regret it.  Let's say 90% chance of success, 10% chance of regret.  Those are decent odds; I'll take them.

The alternative is to not transition.  In that case, I know for a 100% certainty, that I would regret it for the rest of my life.  So my choice is between 10% regret or 100% regret.  That's an easy choice. 

My wife's question focused my thoughts a bit, but I was already thinking along those lines when I was trying to get up the nerve to come out to her.  That was my tipping point: I would face a lifetime of regret if I didn't do something.  I already have enough regret over the decades I have lost by delaying the decision so long.  I owe it to myself to give myself this chance.

Quote from: stephaniec on June 09, 2016, 03:46:17 PM
I'd just like to add that my choice was easy. I had nothing to give up , absolutely nothing.

same here. when i think about it, in the end, i really had nothing left to lose. my long years of suppressing my authentic internal sense of my own gender led me ultimately, and ever, to a gray half life of isolation and depression. 

since starting HRT it's like the surprising arrival of a rainbow within my body.  now my life is in living color for the 1st time ever.

Quote from: KathyLauren on July 20, 2016, 10:32:01 AM
The alternative is to not transition.  In that case, I know for a 100% certainty, that I would regret it for the rest of my life.  So my choice is between 10% regret or 100% regret.  That's an easy choice. 

Really like your logic Kathy.  Paige

I did not have an option on transition. My T dropped and my transition began. I guess that I could have taken T, but not this trans-female. I got the ready or not here you go... and I can't be happier