Thank you all for all your kind words, Positive comments and encouraging advice. Sorry it has taken so long to write again. I didn't think I would generate this much of a response.
My original post perhaps was not detailed as much as it could have been. I am still in the closet as will stay in the closet in fear of destroying the lives of my entire family. Many have said here that I should come out to my wife. I will attempt to explain my feeling by starting with a little of my history.
I started out like most TG people. How I would ditch school in order to stay home alone and dress up in my mothers clothes. I think My GID started at a young age because I was envious of all the girls clothes, hair styles, smells, shoes and pantyhose. I wanted all of that too. But because I was a boy, all of that was taboo. I was being sent mixed signals. My mother would say that (when my hair would get long) that I was supposed to be a girl, and I had wonderful curls. When I wanted a sleek look while I was snow skiing in high school and bulky long underwear wouldn't do, My mother gave me a pair of her pantyhose to keep me warm. But when she suspected my wearing her clothes she became unglued and told me how disgusting and sick I was.
I married and started a career as a firefighter, had three children in hopes that I wouldn't be disgusting and sick anymore and hopefully rid myself of these nasty thoughts/feelings. It didn't work!! I would dress up in my wife's clothes while she was at work. We hosted a Halloween party and I was a hooker and she was my Pimp. The preparations for the party led me to tell her that dressing up turned me on, but she blew it off. During the party the women were constantly feeling and looking up my skirt and groping my tits. My wife admitted that she had always had a fantasy of being with another girl. I thought I had died and gone to heaven. It was short lived because when I tried to start something after everyone left, I was chastised again and told how disgusting, sick and twisted I was. I tired a couple more times during the marriage knowing of her fantasy and was met with similar results. So I once again buried it. After she died I had a whole wardrobe but very little time trying to take care of the three kids myself. So I would dress when I could. I sought a counselor to help with my depression and my dressing and was told that I was transgender/GID and was put on HRT and testosterone blockers. I started to grow breasts and was on the HRT for six months when I met and started dating the woman that became my wife. She has 4 beautiful daughters and we became one big family. Bought a big house and everything in the family was going great. I was too busy to think about dressing, and my sex life was great, so I stopped all the treatment before "she would find out!" I couldn't fit in her clothes because she is so small. I was getting more and more anxious about my gender feelings, and one evening she asked me to put on her panties. Which I did and that's when I realized that I would try to see how far I could take this. I told her that they felt wonderful and that they were a lot more comfortable than the Fruit-of-the-looms I wore. I kept saying how comfortable they were and how nice they felt. So we set out to Victoria's Secret and bought me my own panties. She said that I should wear them all the time. So except for when I was at the fire station I wore panties and loved it.
I was reading on the internet one day about Restless Leg Syndrome and saw that Pantyhose could help ease the symptoms. I suggested to my wife that I wanted to try the pantyhose and see if they would help me. She said I should take the medications, but I said I didn't want all the side affects. She gave me a pair of her pantyhose. She said I could have them because she hates to wear them. About the same time we got a dog and thus took daily walks. The compression took care of the RLS and I told her that my legs didn't feel as tired/heavy when I wore the pantyhose. She said I should wear them while on the walks. I told her that, after further investigation on the internet, that they would only help if I wore them all the time. We had a few "go rounds" and she finally said that pantyhose was not going to ruin her marriage and agreed to my wearing. Now I only get the occasional comment like "EWW pantyhose!" or "I don't know how you can wear those disgusting things". She will not touch my legs when I'm wearing my stockings. I also found that a possible cause of hair loss in men is when testosterone converts to "Bad Testosterone" it kills off the follicle. The conversion to bad testosterone happens when there is not enough progesterone to keep the estrogen (that is in so many products) in check. The male can become "estrogen dependent" and thus all the bad things can happen (like prostrate cancer) with all the bad testosterone in the body. (I'm not a doctor and don't claim any of this to be completely accurate but google progesterone in men and see for yourself.) I started using progesterone cream and my wife couldn't understand.
I showed her the web sites and how it helped protect against prostate cancer, helped with hair loss and generaly gave calming effect. I think she feels that it is Ok now but I don't think she realizes I'm doing it to help ease my Gender Dysphoria.
A couple of summers ago I told her that on hot days it makes more sense for a guy to wear a skirt. She thought it was odd but we bought one at a thrift store. We talked to a doctor friend that specializes in vein problems about my RLS and tired feeling and he advised that I should wear the pantyhose all the time. That confirmed it and now tells me that I should have my stockings on!!
I told her once after I smashed my testicals while crossing my legs that I hated having them. I also hated having all this "stuff" hanging "down there". I pushed them up and pulled my penis back to hold them in place and found that I could cross my legs and not smash my "Nuts". I looked it up and found that "Tucking" could also ease Gender Dysphoria. I tucked and it immediately gave me a calming feeling by not having this ugly bulge in my panties and Pantyhose. My wife saw this and went off on me telling me how sick and disgusting I was and that I needed to see a shrink. She asked me if I wanted to be a girl and I said yes, whats wrong with being a girl, She said that she married a man and she would be gone if I became a girl.
When news stories came out about transgender people she went nuts at how deranged these people are.
So here I am today and it is why I still feel that I am stuck in the closet. It would be nice to have a wife that is understanding and compassionate allowing me some relief. I do not want to destroy my marriage, my relationship with her kids and their familys that I have built over the last few years. The wo of my children that I told many years ago that I was TG do not talk to me and have no relationship at all with my family. I do not want to destroy the relationships with my five grandchildren. I couldn't ruin my relationship with my brother. He told me when I came out to him that if I became a "Sit to piss" he would never talk to me again.
So I will continue as I have been. Supressing my feelings for the good of the rest. I can't seek a therapist because that would be seen right away and would start a war again. I would have a hard time hiding HRT form her if I sought ot medical treatment. She carries the insurance. I cannot see myself losing everything, being happy because starting my transition, alone and taking so long I don't see the benefit. Living alone, with no money, destroying so many lives, just so I can be something that everyone shuns isn't worth it. Everyday for the past 50 some years I have prayed to the almight God to change me into a woman. Maybe onday he will listen.
Once again, Thank you for all your thoughts.
Tina
