I've been feeling like I want to commit suicide since the Saturday before I posted this.  I don't want this life anymore and I don't feel like living this life anymore.  I'm afraid to kill myself but I feel like there's no escape from this and it feels like torture.

Therapy is not helping me. my wife coping strategy was holding on to say that when I die and reincarnates I will be a female. But I am spiritually drained. I don't have to wear without it continue going with this. The money to transition is nowhere in sight.

I want to be a full-fledged female and not be transgender.  I know I was a full-fledged female in my last life and am sure i will be again.

Death is my only escape.

Please don't. It is never the answer. I have learned this myself. My father did that and I know how much it will effect your family. Things don't happen overnight but they will happen I promise


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First off, from what you posted of your beliefs, remember you will just be erasing the progress you have made in this life and starting over. (You might come back as a big ugly guy like me!)

My mother killed herself when i was 20. Her life obviously didn't get any better after that and mine went in the toilet. I have tried it twice and was relieved both times it didn't work.

I also am facing trying to transition without a job, insurance or money at this time. At 54 trying to find myself, stay sober and transition I find all the trying times like these I have already been through as tools to lean on in these tough times. Today I see my story and hardships as tools to help others also.

Try to find a support group, it really helps. I go to AA and I am going to start going to a transgender support group, SAGA, here in San Antonio and it sounds very promising. Every time I talk to someone about the things bothering me they lose power.

I drank and stayed closeted for over 40 years and have found my way out. Hang in there, it will get better.

AnnaiyahStarr,

I have been there sister. Is there someone you can talk to right now? I mean a friend, relative, someone who has your back and can talk face to face or on the phone? If not, there are a number of numbers you can call to talk to someone. If you need to cut out the looking them up, here is a link to the site's resources  https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,112545.0.html

I know when you are in that place it just feels like either you are a burden to others or no one cares. This is not true. I wish I could let you know what you mean to our family. I mean, yours and mine. While we have never met, we have more in common than those I share chromosomal patterns with.

I am sorry the emotional and mental pain and exhaustion is as bad as it feels. You can make it though. You can become the real you. It may take more time than hoped or planned. It may hurt more than you expected. However, as my sister, I believe in you.

Please let us know how you are dong.

With loving warmth,

Joanna

I have a feeling that suicide is not what you really want. It sounds like to me that what you really desire is transition. But I guarantee you that you won't be able to if you ever take your life. Not only that, but many people will be very hurt to see you gone. It's difficult but please try to pull through. I hope you get to feeling better soon.

Annaiyah,

I am so sorry you are feeling so much pain at this point in you life's journey... Feelings like these can feel bleak and unfixable at the time you are feeling them but trust me... If you keep moving forward... Better things lay ahead!!! Sadly, most of the things you are feeling are all to common here in transgenderland and I am sure most of us reading your post have felt this at some point too... Some times hanging on during the hard parts is incremental... Can I make it though the next half hour?.. half day?  week? .., the answer is yes! You can... But I would urge you to take advantage of suicide prevention resources and start a dialog with them if you are feeling you can't hold on... I believe like you that our souls come back in more lives to come but we are here to learn and make the best of each life as best we can... All life is sacred and nothing to be squandered

I wish you peace of mind and clarity as you move ahead

Take Care,

Ashley

I'm sorry that you're feeling suicidal.

What happened Saturday that caused you to begin feeling that your life isn't worth living?

Quote from: autumn08 on August 16, 2016, 01:20:50 PM
What happened Saturday that caused you to begin feeling that your life isn't worth living?

I can't have periods.

I was a female in my last life.

I want to be an actual female, not be trans. I just want to start over.

Added:
Not to mention i've lost any hope of my breasts ever naturally getting into the d-cup range without implants and i absolutely don't want implants.

Therapy never actually helps me either unless the person can understand my mindset it's probably a done deal and it won't workout, even though i like the counselors iv'e had.  But just because something like Therapy isn't working there could be many reasons why maybe you haven't met the correct person to help you? Maybe it doesn't work but that doesn't give us a reason to stop trying. It may seem like the world around us is harsh and not understanding and that nothing is moving like we want but it's never not moving it's only not moving when we give up don't give up because you'll get there and find what you're looking for or wanting in life and eventually down the road you'll be happy.
Sometimes the word happy seems empty even more so at these moments but it isn't empty its filled with joy i sound cheesy but anyways. Look iv'e tried to take my life and i was scared to take my life too but i kept walking and i got myself the help i needed i worked on my thoughts and my feelings and no not everything was solved in a day but its being put together and it is working out. If i would have gave up that night i would have never known what my future holds i would have never felt this need to fight for what i want and sometimes fighting for what i want in life is the things for me that make me stronger as a person and help me help others.  Find a reason and not a single person here wants you to die we want you to live and want to see you around again, we care and always will care so keep it up because you can get there!

Quote from: surge98b on August 16, 2016, 10:17:28 AM
Try to find a support group, it really helps. I go to AA and I am going to start going to a transgender support group, SAGA, here in San Antonio and it sounds very promising. Every time I talk to someone about the things bothering me they lose power.
Hang in there, it will get better.

I wish i shared your confidence about a support group helping me. It doesn't help that i don't have a car at the moment. Otherwise I would consider it. I feel like the only thing that's going to help me is if some Divine being out there were to confirm for 100% certainty that when I die in this life I will reincarnate and be a female again.

Quote from: Joanna50 on August 16, 2016, 11:17:05 AM
Annaiyah,

I have been there sister. Is there someone you can talk to right now? I mean a friend, relative, someone who has your back and can talk face to face or on the phone?

My bestie, but i've called her several times already this week and I want to let her call me.

Quote from: Tristyn on August 16, 2016, 12:55:07 PM
I have a feeling that suicide is not what you really want. It sounds like to me that what you really desire is transition. But I guarantee you that you won't be able to if you ever take your life. Not only that, but many people will be very hurt to see you gone. It's difficult but please try to pull through. I hope you get to feeling better soon.

No. What i want is to die now, and reincarnate, coming back as a cis female... to be a female from birth to death.

Tristan:
I'm not close with my therapist at all. I've never opened up with her about wanting to kill myself and probably never will.

I find it necessary to share that when i was 14 i drew this picture of myself as a girl, my dream body but it was a prediction of what i'd look like if i were been a female (what i'd have liked to anyway). I can remember as clear as day that i wrote in blue ink at the bottom of the picture "the kind of girl i want to be". Sadly, even after transition i won't look like the picture.

As i think about it now, i keep thinking that maybe i looked like that in my last life and hopefully will in my next. I always think about reincarnation when I think about that picture, that i'm now working on recreating... with the same caption "the kind of girl i want to be" in blue ink.

My other reason for wanting to die is that i'll be a child again when i come back and reincarnate.

Please don't do anything to hurt yourself. You don't deserve to be hurt, even by yourself. And if you won't be kind to yourself, who will? For the sake of future you, the one who experiences happiness and wonder at the world, don't be desperate to stop bad feelings.

These feelings WILL pass, if you're still around for them to do so. There are a lot of negatives in trans people's lives. There are a lot of negatives in ANY life. But there is good stuff too. You can't let yourself forget the good things in favor of the bad.

Getting depressed has a way of twisting everything up so it looks hopeless, and that nothing will ever change. That's lies. Everything changes, it's up to us to try and steer those changes to our greater good.

Here, this has helped me through a couple of times now. Do me a favor and at least read the first paragraph  -
http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/

Matter appears to have a latent potential for consciousness, which when a requisite type and degree of integration exists, is actualized to varying degrees. Therefore, when our requisite type and degree of integration no longer exists (death), we lose our connection to our bodies, which holds our innate selves, our memories and our ability to think.

Maybe what distinguishes you as yourself carries on after death, but to understand our state without a body, we can imagine our state before we were born, which is either unanalogous to life, or timeless idleness.

My point is that while reincarnation, for which we have no evidence, might be possible, who you are dies with your body.

Also, unless you are or were in a cult like environment, I don't think the partial hope of being reborn female is causing you to feel suicidal. The root cause of feeling suicidal is a belief that we're unworthy of love. Maybe you don't feel attractive, or your loved ones aren't accepting, etc... If you'd like to talk about it, maybe we can recommend actions that will help you feel more loved.

Quote from: AnnaiyahStarr on August 16, 2016, 04:05:11 PM
No. What i want is to die now, and reincarnate, coming back as a cis female... to be a female from birth to death.

I'm not even going to lie to you. I feel that way on many, many days of my own life. Well, in my case it would be to die now, reincarnate as a cis male and to be male from birth until my demise. I can empathize with your frustrations there and I am sure much of us here at Susan's and across the globe can relate to that statement. But there are always those "what-ifs," you know? Like what if you do not reincarnate at all? Or you do reincarnate but as something you don't want? Please give yourself a chance to live the life you have right now.

As long as you have breath in your lungs, you need to try to transition. It sounds like that if you transitioned you would be tremendously relieved of this painful dysphoria that is making you want to take your life. I have loads of health conditions that I think discourages a lot of professionals from wanting to even treat me, but I keep fighting to find one who will be sympathetic enough to want to help me regardless of any risks involved in response to my failed health. I'm still fighting and so should you. Please keep living and do not be another statistic.

Suicide benefits no one. Suicide affects everyone. Suicide is the ultimate fu to everything and everybody. I learned while being a drug user, ones my President and Vice President in the 80's smuggled to fund an illegal war and distributed near my community. You have a wife and people who love you, even if they appear to hate you. They all have what they think are good intentions. That's ignorance on their part. You are so lucky because you've come to the right place for support and information. Use that to your advantage to state your case. But remember it is your life. They live the one they have chosen. Nobody else can live your life. Life is precious, you only get one chance, make the most of it. I think about being reincarnated into a female body. Then reality sets in and I have to settle with what I've got and make the most of it. You can choose to LIVE on your terms or kill yourself and live? on everybody elses. I have learned transition is a marathon not a sprint. It takes time. Time I don't have to fulfill all my dreams, prayers because I put it off for over 60 years. But I've done what I can having started estradiol yesterday. In 24 hours I have an uncommon feeling of calm. I don't know if the effect is from the hormones or I am just content I have no more secrets to hide. Do you realize what a joy it is to have the white noise in your head turned off. I woke this morning refreshed as I have in a long time. Do what you can do. Hormones are relatively cheap. There are places like Planned Parenthood that can help you for free. They can help you get the prescription for hormones and you pick them up at the drug store. I paid 18.40 for a three month supply but my insurance pays for it. You didn't say where you live but in the US you still should be on your parents insurance until you turn 26. However based on your comments about a $2.00 wage I assume you live in the south. In Seattle minimum wage is $15 an hour for those same jobs. Your state probably didn't adopt Obama Care. But the 26 years of coverage on your parents insurance would still apply. http://plannedparenthood.tumblr.com/post/86714508239/does-planned-parenthood-offer-hormone-replacement. The hormones themselves will take some time to alter your appearance but the mental benefits will come a lot sooner. As to your FFS GRS, create a crowd funding request. Who knows stranger things have happened. But please don't commit suicide. There is just so many great things about living.  Five months ago I knew nothing except I had repressed my inner desires that I've had since childhood. I wish you peace.
Dawn

Quote from: DawnOday on August 17, 2016, 10:08:50 AM
Suicide affects everyone.

Uh, even those who know absolutely nothing about me?

QuoteYou have a wife and people who love you, even if they appear to hate you.

What gave you the impression that i was married? If i were you mean husband because i like men (as a woman, anyway).

QuoteLife is precious.

For me, it really isn't when you've wasted the first 20-something years of your life being in the wrong gender.

QuoteHormones are relatively cheap. There are places like Planned Parenthood that can help you for free. They can help you get the prescription for hormones and you pick them up at the drug store. I paid 18.40 for a three month supply but my insurance pays for it.

I'm afraid I'll have to disagree as someone who is already on HRT. I don't know if my Medicare started picking up some of the tab but my hormones had been cheaper since i started.

QuoteYou didn't say where you live but in the US you still should be on your parents insurance until you turn 26.

Well number 1: i live in the Philly area, 2: i'm turning 26 next month and 3: my mom is uninsured.

QuoteHowever based on your comments about a $2.00 wage I assume you live in the south.

Umm, is there a certain user on this site i should keep an eye out for? I'm sorry but i don't recall ever saying anything about a $2.00 wage and i don't live in the south.

I still want to die.

I still feel very bitter about not being born female, meaning i'm still very tempted to committing suicide

I lived the life of the wrong gender for even longer than you. What gives me hope is that it really is getting better for transgender people, albeit way too slowly.

Pretty much everyone here wishes they were just born a different sex. Accepting that you weren't is hard.

I chose to embrace that I won't ever totally be a woman and have fun with it rather than be upset about it. That may or may not work for you, but do try to look at other ways to change your situation.

I don't know that I believe in reincarnation, though I too would like to be a woman in a next life. I have studied religions a bit, and most that believe in reincarnation are against suicide, tending to believe it will put you in a worse situation...

A monk (Buddhist) chased by a tiger to the edge of a cliff jumps off and manages to grab a sapling to stop his fall. The roots of the plant are pulling out, he faces certain death whether he falls or goes back to face the tiger. He sees a fruit on the plant and eats it savoring the flavor.

The point of the koan is that even faced with the most dire situation, there's every reason to savor whatever joy presents itself.

Depression is a state of mind where even good things look bad. Sadness or pain over things that are in fact bad isn't depression and yet I know for me when enough difficulties compound my tendency is to 'cope' by falling back towards depression. I had to admit to my therapist the other day that in a brief but difficult period I was again experiencing suicidal ideation.

The hard part was also realizing and saying that moments of feeling suicidal are no longer scary because I've dealt with them so long. I'm inured to this, how <not allowed> sad is that?

Last Sept I was 2 years into therapy for a return to depression that was scary as <not allowed> because I'd been clear of depression for a decade+. I also had been in senior this slide for a couple of years. My first conversation with my new therapist related this and I also had to say that while I'd felt free of depression for all those years in between, I had to admit my standard for 'happy' might be a bit lower than other peoples'; could be I've never really left it behind.

To be sure: I have good support, I can afford insurance for now and thus therapy and hrt and if the stars align maybe even GRS. I have work that I love and I can (barely) choose to leave a professional career that paid ok but was inexorably killing my soul.

To be clear: I'm 60 yo, more than half bald and my chosen profession really doesn't allow for a wig or for makeup pass, I absolutely can't afford electrolysis for my facial hair or even that much time.

None of us walks an easy path. I feel for you in your pain, btdt. I hope you can address the depression. I hope you can see your way past removing yourself from our presence.

Moderator's Edit: Removing words that are not allowed.

Quote from: VeronicaLynn on August 18, 2016, 04:04:37 AM
I don't know that I believe in reincarnation, though I too would like to be a woman in a next life. I have studied religions a bit, and most that believe in reincarnation are against suicide, tending to believe it will put you in a worse situation...

Yes this is true.  All the major religions that believe in reincarnation (Hinduism, Jainism, Buddhism, Sikhism) say that suicide will result in a worse outcome in the next reincarnated life.

Live your life as if you're never going to be reincarnated again. Do what makes you happy and don't wait around hoping for happiness to come to you.