Hi to all. I am going through a complicated and painful breakup and am hoping for some insight and advice from the community. Given the uncertainty of the situation and that she still publicly identifies as female, I will use feminine pronouns when referring to my ex-partner. I'm a cis female and identify as a lesbian.
The day she broke up with me, she reluctantly confided in me that she was conflicted over her gender identity. I had no idea. She said she was deeply troubled and preoccupied by it. Immediately, instinctively, I told her it didn't matter to me, that I love her unconditionally. I meant it when I said it and with the benefit of time to reflect, I still do. However, she reacted sceptically, bringing up the possibility of top and bottom surgery. I couldn't tell if she was angry or sad or both but she seemed convinced that I could not cope with that eventuality—that, as a lesbian, I couldn't love her if she were physically male. I do not think it even occurred to her otherwise. I was stunned, overwhelmed that she wanted to end things and struggling not to break down in public. The revelation of her gender issues on top of that, in that setting, was more than I could take in. Given the circumstances, I probably couldn't have responded any better but I have replayed that conversation in my head every day, wishing I had found the right words.
My best friend of some ten years is engaged to a wonderful transwoman and I have another close friend who struggles with their gender identity but has decided that transitioning is out of the question. Today, I am (body image issues aside) comfortable as a woman but it wasn't always that way—throughout my childhood, I was a tomboy and adamantly refused to wear girls' clothes. My best friends were all boys. I was studious and science-minded and bullied terribly for it. I felt alienated from the other girls in my class. Until the age of about 17 or 18, I hated my body and desperately wanted to be male. I felt like nature had shortchanged me in the worst way. I don't know what changed in the intervening years—perhaps I simply learnt to accept the cards I had been dealt. Coming to terms with my sexuality, with the fact that I was attracted to women—that I even could be attracted to women—was a painful struggle but, ultimately, brought me a great sense of peace. Whatever the truth of my gender identity, I hope, I feel like I have some modicum of understanding of the struggle faced by the trans community. It kills me that she was/is wrestling with this by herself. I wish she had confided in me sooner though I understand why she didn't. Perhaps there is nothing I could have done differently but my greatest regret is not figuring out how to talk with her, to get her to open up.
On the occasions we have spoken since the breakup, she has reacted badly at the mention of her gender identity. She insists it wasn't a factor in our breakup and that she is very unsure of how she feels or what she wants to do. She has serious and chronic health issues that, I imagine, would complicate any potential transition. She underwent surgery last year relating to her condition and, shortly before the breakup, she got the news that she would need more surgery in the coming months. On top of that, we both struggle with depression, having both suffered through some major traumas in our lives. Additionally, I was diagnosed with anxiety a couple of years ago. I'm pretty sure a psychologist would have a field day with the pair of us.
Despite all that, we were both very much in love. Things just seemed to click into place with us from the start. We're huge gamers and both very invested in our respective fields of study—we could talk for hours, about the deep and the trivial, and I felt like we had so much in common. We got along famously with each other's friends and families. We had difficulties and bad days like any other couple: her condition can be profoundly disabling at times and this depresses her terribly, which naturally affected me. I know my health also affected her. Balancing a relationship with busy working lives and complex family demands is difficult but, to me, was unquestionably worthwhile. When she smiled at me, I knew I was home. She was tender and affectionate, respectful, kind, supportive—and wickedly funny. Things were up and down in the last few weeks before the breakup but I attributed it to her upcoming surgery. I am unable to process how things ended so abruptly or to disentangle our respective health issues, her uncertainty over her gender identity and what may have been undiscussed problems with our relationship. My attempts to reconcile have been rebuffed; she has given me contradictory answers on almost every matter. She has also told me how difficult and painful it was for her to make the decision—I don't understand specifically what she means by this. If it hurts so much, why break things off, if not out of fear of some greater hurt?
I am loath to make her feel interrogated so I have tried to give her space in the meantime, for both our sakes. I am afraid of making things worse, that she has or will come to resent me. It feels like I've spent the last couple of months swimming against currents that are pulling me under. I have never felt more lost or hopeless. It's as if all the colour has been drained from my world. If I were to tell her this, I fear that it would only be construed as manipulative, a guilt trip. Ultimately, her health and happiness is all that has ever mattered to me.
Should I take what she says, that her identity didn't factor into her decision, at face value? How likely is it that she is motivated by fear of my rejecting her if she were to transition? Could it be that she is afraid of letting me take that journey with her, that she feels it would be too much to put me through? Is this just something she needs to be alone to face and figure out? Could being with me just be too much to handle on top of this and her health issues? Whatever she chooses to do, I want to be there to support her if she'll let me. I don't want to lose the truest friend I've ever known. Am I too close, are the feelings too raw for her to allow that, at least right now? What should I do?
I have learned that gender and sexuality are complicated—that much is an understatement—and love is a whole other mystery besides. I realise that, if we were to reconcile and if she were to transition, I would have to reassess my identity, my notions of who I am. While I would be lying if I said that's not a little scary, how do I convince her that's okay by me? That what really scares me is losing the person I love? How do I convince her that I am willing to at least try to take that journey together?
