Not sure where to start so I guess from the beginning is best. I am 56 and am just starting to realize what it is that doesn't look right in the mirror or feel right in my head. The funny thing is that as I was born with female parts I was not raised traditionally female. I hung my male cousins, was given my cousins cowboy jacket pretended to be a cowboy on an old style stick horse. I hardly ever wore dresses except once in a while when my mom made me for a special occasion. Was not comfortable in them Still am not. My parents always gave me cars, toy trucks, race cars, hotwheels, trains and on a rare occasion some what are thought to be girl items. I was a Tomboy with long hair until my mother cut it off at age 8. I had girlfriends that were both cousins as well as friends, but I never really fit in with them. When I went out to play I was the only female to play tackle football with the guys. We played war with sticks and climbed trees.

I never heard the words Gay, until I was 16. I was painfully shy and did not like meeting people nor really talking to them either unless it was one on one. I had a new set of neighbors moved in with a house full of kids. A young lady who was 18 became my friend along with her brother who was a bit older than her. The girl told me her brother was was going to a ball  and he needed to be dressed up for his boyfriend. So I sat there while she picked out a gown for him, did his make-up and his hair. He asked me If I thought he looked ok, I thought he looked beautiful, even though he had a beard at the time. Maybe red sequins will do that to anyone, I never questioned it.

Over the years I heard good and bad things about peoples choices. But you do not get to choose whom you fall in love with. I think I will stop here. Not sure where I am going with this. Except I must have had blinders on and they are finally starting to come off. With some major realizations that every time I look in a magazine with handsome men or beautiful women in it, it is always the men that I want to look like. Flat chests, nice abs, strong clean lines and for the most part thick hair. I will put in more later when I can. Not even sure what to do at this time in my life. Thank you for listening Phillip 

Phillip,

I can't tell you who or what you are or aren't. Nor can anyone else. It is only through self discovery you get there. Others might have guesses... You see where I am going. My biggest question or suggestion may have sent your way already. It is what I almost always ask when getting to know someone here.

Are you seeing a therapist. In particular it is helpful to visit a gender therapist. They can help guide you to safely make your decisions. Any therapist is helpful but a gender therapist has more specific training and is able to bring up possibilities general therapists might not reach without research.

I can't tell you what to do(see a theme here?). However that would be my first suggestion to you. To help you explore and find out what you might have missed. I had missed it for 50 years myself.

I wish you love, acceptance and a smooth path wherever it leads.

With warmth,

Joanna

Ty Joanna. I have been to a therapist 9 years ago. But only for a short bit. Had to much going on then to concentrate. Still do..life gets in the way and doing for others seems to have always come first. Really need a support group or Therapist or both. Hard when you live in a rural like area.

I know it is me that needs to come to terms with this and my family as well. They do know. Will have to find something. Thank you Phillip

I hear you. Especially the

Quotedoing for others seems to have always come first

Good luck. It is a road to a better life but it it s very tough road.

With warmth,

Joanna

Looking through the comments I get the impression folks are looking for validation of their looks When they should be fighting for acceptance of the person they chose to be. Looks are only skin deep. Acceptance goes to the soul.

You are right it is not about the looks exclusively, but the entire package internal as well as external.

Forgive my ramblings, I find that I think I have lived my life under a rock so to say. I never experimented in high school. I had bf along the way very few and very short. I went from an 11 year-old who had all ready touched a boy who was a friend to practically a miss goody two-shoes with no life at all. I do not even understand all the terminology. I feel like I have never truly started life just existed. Do not get me wrong, I finally rebelled at 18 and married like your supposed to, I was 19 at that time.  Lasted nine years had my children which I will never regret, but then was on my own with them and no time for me or to think. Now that health is not the best that is all I have been doing in thinking. I know I have depression, but I also love life so very much. But I feel stuck and like I am wishy-washy I know I am strong enough to remain the same as I am now. At times though I want nothing more than to make the change. Feeling definitely sad tonight. Just needed to vent thanks.

You can ramble to us any time you want. Sometimes thinking about secondary sex characteristics is a productive endeavor because it leads us to the truth about ourselves. It's not being shallow, it's how we learn about what is buried deep inside us. If we could be happy "just being ourselves" in the bodies we were given we wouldn't have this condition in the first place. So while it's a good thing to be accepting and loving towards our bodies, it's normal for us as trans people to feel uncomfortable in our sexed bodies and to think about what we would look like with different sex characteristics. In fact, it's the defining element of this condition.

Don't beat yourself up (I say as I beat myself up) about what you couldn't "see" all those years. My belief is that gender happens on a brain layer well below language so it's not as simple--for most people--as just naming your gender and being liberated that way. Also, our society considers or at least considered for most of our lifetimes gender variance to be utterly taboo and unthinkable. The notion of transsexuality at all was supposed to be so rare as to be inapplicable to everyday people such as ourselves. Younger people live in a different world and that's why you see so many of them transitioning. They are aware at a young age of what trans is and aware that a viable treatment exists.

In my case, I found out what trans was through the gay community but was then lied to about my treatment options. So I tried to "stick it out" without any kind of medical intervention. My fear now is that I messed up my brain permanently and I will be anxious and depressed forever. That's probably not true but I worry about that.

Feeling very shy sexually as you describe is very common for trans people. I think it's because sexuality hits that discomfort we have with our sex characteristics and it can become very uncomfortable to allow someone else to see us naked or touch our private parts. Not all trans people have this experience but a lot of us do.

Ty Anxiety for that talk. I hear what your saying and it has opened my eyes wider. To know that their are others like minded as me out there is a comfort. Not that I wish this on anyone, but it is nice to know I am not alone.

Your are right about the times. Young people today are lucky. I wish sometimes I could be born now instead of in an age when you did not speak about anything. Oh well that is life I suppose.