Hi everyone, my name is Lauren. I'm 23 years old and have recently begun to (re)accept my gender identity. I always felt a bit "off" bit never considered that I could be trans until I was 19. Since then I've been through multiple cycles of acceptance/self-exploration/self-doubt/self-loathing/denial/depression/re-acceptance and the one thing I've come to realize is that I can't just sit and do nothing about it.
But the thing is, I don't know where to begin. I'm not sure whether I identify as female or some form of non-binary. I'm kinda-sorta out to my best friend, and literally no one else. Just the thought of being out at home or at work is terrifying. Some days I overthink things and manage to convince myself that it's all in my head and I just want to think I'm trans just so I'll have something to identify with. But after all this time I've come to realize it's just self-doubt getting the better of me. Still, the thought of beginning this journey is daunting, not really knowing where I'm going or what I'll leave behind. So I guess I've come looking for support and some people to talk to. That being said, hello everyone 

lauren,

Welcome to the site.

It is a tough road to travel but for many of us, not so much of a choice.

While everyone's experience is a little different but there seem some common threads. Cycling through your symptoms of dysphoria seems pretty typical. You think you can "cure" yourself and you feel okay for awhile. As long as you keep busy and distracted. However, once you get some free time and maybe have a rough day. BLAM. It hits you again. We tend to go through periods of self doubt, self loathing and feellings that you have no worth. I have discovered that until you address it, it never goes away. Even then it  seems to visit during the whole journey. On the up side. Once I started therapy, and HRT the lows are not so low. Previous to this I had been in a numbed state of depression and now I see there can be light in life.

There is no one way to do something. I don't like to tell people what they should do. However, I would highly suggest setting up and appointment with a therapist. If you can get to one that specializes in gender issues, even better. They help you realize what you may have thought deep down. They help to safely guide you through the maze that is the world of being trans.

Try to stay positive and be patient. It is a long slow slog. However, our members try to be there for one another.

I also want to share some links with you. They are mostly welcome information and the rules that govern the site. If you have not had a chance to look through them, please take a moment:

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy

Once again, welcome to Susan's. Look around, ask questions and join in.

With warmth,

Joanna

The doubt thing is a real pain; its very annoying because you'll be feeling great, and normal, and just plain fem, and you wonder, why do I have to work all these complications, I'm fine now, just as I am!    Why do I have to take those meds, or talk to that therapist, or get blood drawn for the dozen'th time this year...    It can be really hard to convince yourself that you feel fine now only because you are doing and will continue to do those extra things that no one else around you has to do.

I'm a hard head, so it took me forever, but I've finally accepted that I can't just follow the dots carefully laid out for me by parents and peers, to the perfect male head of household, career, family, house, car, and boat thing, no picket fences though.   There is a darkness at the end of that path that will not be denied and will have to be reckoned with sooner or later.  You really can come to the end of that path and realize that you never lived your own life.

Hi Lauren 

Welcome to Susan's    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

Thanks everyone for the welcome and the positive thoughts. After looking around I'm really glad I found this site, everyone seems very friendly and supportive. I look forward to being a part of the community