I don't know what I am doing. I'm going to ruin my life.
A bit of background. I am biologically a girl, although I have never viewed myself like that. I came out as ftm when I was 17 to my peers at the time. Lived as a guy till I was 19. (Although not out to my parents, they still saw a girl) Started dating a guy that was very abusive. He made me not talk about being trans*, not live out or as a guy, and numerous other things. (many of which caused a lot of PTSD issues) Most of which I'm getting over with some therapy and a wonderful fiance. I split with my ex when I was 21, and at the latter part of that year got with my current partner. We will be together 4 years in about a month or two.

Since dealing with my PTSD and anxiety over the course of the last three years, I'm feeling much better. Much like my old self. But... With me feeling better comes the obvious. I can't stand who I see in the mirror. I want to see the man I see in my head... I was hoping to never deal with this again.

I came out to my current fiance as a transman back in 2014... he didn't take it well. He was confused, told me I was lying this entire time being with him, that I wasn't really trans, it was just another side effect of being with my ex. Asked me if I really wanted to never see him or my family again. (They will never come to terms with it, I got disowned for coming out as bisexual when I was 15) I told him I wanted to stay. I do want to stay. I started wearing men's clothes again, cut my hair short and stopped wearing makeup unless I had to.. but it wasn't enough. He doesn't mind that I don't act or dress as a stereotypical women would, but he doesn't ever want me to transition. I'm just not sure I can take it. Every time I bring something up, like buying a binder, he shuts down. Tells me I shouldn't if I want to be with him.

I know most people's advice. Leave him. Forget your family. I have heard all that before. I don't want him to be out on the streets (he lives with me in a family rental house), I don't think I can do this on my own. Just the thought of talking about it makes me sick. *trigger* I haven't eaten in two days. I'm ready to just give up. I don't want to think like this. This is the first time in my life that I'm doing good. I have a steady job, going back to college, have a connection with someone.. most of all My family is talking to me again. I don't want to ruin all of this with my selfish thoughts. But I have to decide soon. I don't want to get married then have him hate me more if I talk about it after the wedding in the spring.

I am going back to therapy, but I'm waiting till October due to bills and stuff.

I'm sorry for the rant. I really just needed to get stuff off my chest. Any advice, thoughts or considerations would be helpful.

First, you aren't being selfish. I know it feels that way. Believe me I know. I am going through something similar. My first attempts to come out to my husband of seven years, were met with a lot of resistance. So much resistance that I went back into the closet and am living with so many secrets that it is weighing me down. I have felt selfish before too. You ARE NOT being selfish. You have to think about yourself. I know that is hard, but you have to put yourself first sometimes.

Since I am dealing with a similar circumstance, I can't really give advice. I just want you to know that you aren't alone. This is a very hard path, and yes, sometimes it is a very lonely path. You might lose him, and your family, but you also will gain the freedom to be you. That is a big. Shut one door so another closes. Coming to terms with the possibility of the loss, is all I can suggest right now. I am trying to come to terms with that myself, and it is working, just slowly.

Good luck. Keep your head up. Fight for yourself, for the inner you, because you are important.

Quote from: Trent X on September 20, 2016, 04:20:37 PM
First, you aren't being selfish. I know it feels that way. Believe me I know. I am going through something similar. My first attempts to come out to my husband of seven years, were met with a lot of resistance. So much resistance that I went back into the closet and am living with so many secrets that it is weighing me down. I have felt selfish before too. You ARE NOT being selfish. You have to think about yourself. I know that is hard, but you have to put yourself first sometimes.

Since I am dealing with a similar circumstance, I can't really give advice. I just want you to know that you aren't alone. This is a very hard path, and yes, sometimes it is a very lonely path. You might lose him, and your family, but you also will gain the freedom to be you. That is a big. Shut one door so another closes. Coming to terms with the possibility of the loss, is all I can suggest right now. I am trying to come to terms with that myself, and it is working, just slowly.

Good luck. Keep your head up. Fight for yourself, for the inner you, because you are important.

It is just so hard. I want to future I have planned with him.. but I'm also looking up names and binder costs and thinking about setting up an email and social media under my other name... I feel like I'm cheating on him. Not with a person, but another future. One without him or anyone else in it. It is terrifying... but it is so exciting. I want to be happy, but do I want to hurt other people because of that... I'm lost.

At least you know you are losing your mind. Many never realize it.

If he refuses to let you transition, he is acting as a control freak. It is hard to get out of a situation like that. You would likely be in a hospital or shelter due to his violence, and then you would be free from him. Many go back.

There is no up-side to staying in a relationship like that. I know. My ex resorted to using guns when he could not beat me up.

I know that feeling too. I created a fake FB, another email account, a blog, everything. I have felt like I am cheating on him as well. I have really bad down days, but then I also have really good up days where I am excited and happy over the future I envision once I am totally done transitioning.

The idea of living without my husband, is very scary. It hurts, but the longer this has gone on, the more I have realized that it just can't be stopped. I can't stop being trans. I can't make it go away, and the pain I am feeling from not being me, is far worse than the pain I will feel without him. I can't say for sure that that will happen to you, but it has definitely happened to me. Being trans is scary, and there is no way of getting away from it. The real you wants out, and I have found the the real me, is way stronger that the fake me right now.

So what you really want to ask yourself is, do you really want to spend the rest of your life denying who you are? Do you want to forever be known and seen as a woman? Can you picture yourself at 80 or 90, as a woman? Do you have regrets? Most people have regrets, do you want to add the regret of never letting your true self shine? I definitely think talking more with your therapist will help. Try and take things slow, if you can. I know how hard that is though, as I can't barely take things slow on my end over here.

Quote from: Lady Sarah on September 20, 2016, 04:30:25 PM
At least you know you are losing your mind. Many never realize it.

If he refuses to let you transition, he is acting as a control freak. It is hard to get out of a situation like that. You would likely be in a hospital or shelter due to his violence, and then you would be free from him. Many go back.

There is no up-side to staying in a relationship like that. I know. My ex resorted to using guns when he could not beat me up.

He's not violent, just angry and confused. He doesn't believe me when I tell him it is a problem and I need to change. No violence, no hitting, and we don't own a gun.

Whoah there aren't we going off on the deep end a bit. IS your 'current' husband even abusive if he doesn't control you like that unless it involves transitioning? Technically speaking this guy doesn't even seem to understand transitioning and hrt. So far you say he doesn't mind you appearing like a guy - that's transitioning. But he won't let you go on hrt I guess.... Meh.... Talk with him he might not be Gay honestly. If he's not you might as well cut him loose, but remain friends if he's not abusive. However... If he is you should cut ties entirely. Tell him how you feel and be upfront if he can't accept dating/marrying a guy then he doesn't deserve to be with you. Maybe as a close-friend, but not in any intimate relationship-way.

EDIT:

I know I've had my own 'abusive' relationships before. And if it wasn't for my service experience I probably might've been dead. All I've ever had to do was pull out my M4A1 and tell them to get out of my house LOL... But in all reality... You can't go in do that unless they truly are abusive and it's self-defense.

Quote from: Trent X on September 20, 2016, 04:35:00 PM
I know that feeling too. I created a fake FB, another email account, a blog, everything. I have felt like I am cheating on him as well. I have really bad down days, but then I also have really good up days where I am excited and happy over the future I envision once I am totally done transitioning.

The idea of living without my husband, is very scary. It hurts, but the longer this has gone on, the more I have realized that it just can't be stopped. I can't stop being trans. I can't make it go away, and the pain I am feeling from not being me, is far worse than the pain I will feel without him. I can't say for sure that that will happen to you, but it has definitely happened to me. Being trans is scary, and there is no way of getting away from it. The real you wants out, and I have found the the real me, is way stronger that the fake me right now.

So what you really want to ask yourself is, do you really want to spend the rest of your life denying who you are? Do you want to forever be known and seen as a woman? Can you picture yourself at 80 or 90, as a woman? Do you have regrets? Most people have regrets, do you want to add the regret of never letting your true self shine? I definitely think talking more with your therapist will help. Try and take things slow, if you can. I know how hard that is though, as I can't barely take things slow on my end over here.

I don't know how to take things slow.

I know what I need to do, it is just finding the courage to. Before I have to buy a wedding dress...

Courage is hard to find. I am trying to find the courage to send my letter. You can do it though. Don't give up on hope on finding it. It is there, within you.

Just don't buy a dress and talk with him >.<; seriously talk it out thoroughly and explain everything to him. Hell even showing him this site and what you post. Truly he'll see what your talking about then. Taking things slow and explaining to him what's wrong with your mind and body. Even loved one's don't want to see their partner in such despair.

Quote from: Raye on September 20, 2016, 04:41:33 PM
Whoah there aren't we going off on the deep end a bit. IS your 'current' husband even abusive if he doesn't control you like that unless it involves transitioning? Technically speaking this guy doesn't even seem to understand transitioning and hrt. So far you say he doesn't mind you appearing like a guy - that's transitioning. But he won't let you go on hrt I guess.... Meh.... Talk with him he might not be Gay honestly. If he's not you might as well cut him loose, but remain friends if he's not abusive. However... If he is you should cut ties entirely. Tell him how you feel and be upfront if he can't accept dating/marrying a guy then he doesn't deserve to be with you. Maybe as a close-friend, but not in any intimate relationship-way.

EDIT:

I know I've had my own 'abusive' relationships before. And if it wasn't for my service experience I probably might've been dead. All I've ever had to do was pull out my M4A1 and tell them to get the <not allowed> out of my house LOL... But in all reality... You can't go in do that unless they truly are abusive and it's self-defense.

No, he's not abusive. I don't know how that got into people's heads. He is angry. Confused. In denial. And I don't really help cuz I'm not a confrontational person in general.

He doesn't want me to be on T because he's not attracted to men. He had told me before he would leave if I ever wanted to do that. I just thought I could fake never wanting to fully transition. That being a "tom-boy" would be enough.

I need to talk to him but I am so scared. If I talk to him again, then I will not want to stop at just men's clothes. I will need to have everything. Different name, pronouns, being on hrt, everything. It is opening a door that I'm scared to open.

Quote from: Raye on September 20, 2016, 04:47:46 PM
Just don't buy a dress and talk with him >.<; seriously talk it out thoroughly and explain everything to him. Hell even showing him this site and what you post. Truly he'll see what your talking about then. Taking things slow and explaining to him what's wrong with your mind and body. Even loved one's don't want to see their partner in such despair.

Can I buy courage anywhere? does walmart sell it?

But seriously, Thank you. I just feel like I can't deal with this anymore. Maybe this time won't be so bad.

Yep, opening the door is so scary! Once it is open, you can't close it either. I mean you can, but stuff tends to push its way out of the door, intermingle with your life, etc.

Once you do open the door though, you might actually feel better. Honesty really is a good thing. I know it is scary that you might lose him, trust me I know. Losing people that you love is never ever easy. Do you feel like you would be happier though, if you were able to fully transition? Or do you feel that you would be happier staying with him, without transition being an option?

Thank you everyone for taking the time and replying. It means so much. I have been on other forums in the past and have never gotten replies or anything so fast. Thank you.

How do people find the courage to take this first step..?
how do I do this

I use to work at Wal-Mart last month was around the last time. You can only buy Frustration, Anxiety, Anger, Rage, Malice, Mal-Content, Anguish, + Despairity. That is.... If you worked there LOL.... I gave up on my management position. Loved my co-workers despised some members of management who wouldn't refer to me by proper pronouns. USE the women's restroom and really treated my like S!@$ overall. So I LEFT them for Publix. So far that's been the best door I've closed + opened up in years. It was close to home, better benefits, decent hours - now I have to commute, no benefits, tons more hours and better pay.

By my associates I was treated like a traitor, but w/e tis life. In all reality it's just another label you have to carry hard on your chest, but it's just a label - it doesn't define who you really are.

Quote from: Trent X on September 20, 2016, 04:55:25 PM
Do you feel like you would be happier though, if you were able to fully transition? Or do you feel that you would be happier staying with him, without transition being an option?

I have asked myself that same question so many times..

Honestly. (And this takes so much to type out.) I feel like I would be happier being me. Being the man I see in my head. I feel guilty for saying that, but it is true. I want to be the me I know I should be, even if I have to leave everyone else behind.

Quote from: Raye on September 20, 2016, 04:59:28 PM
I use to work at Wal-Mart last month was around the last time. You can only buy Frustration, Anxiety, Anger, Rage, Malice, Mal-Content, Anguish, + Despairity. That is.... If you worked there LOL.... I gave up on my management position. Loved my co-workers despised some members of management who wouldn't refer to me by proper pronouns. USE the women's restroom and really treated my like S!@$ overall. So I LEFT them for Publix. So far that's been the best door I've closed + opened up in years. It was close to home, better benefits, decent hours - now I have to commute, no benefits, tons more hours and better pay.

By my associates I was treated like a traitor, but w/e tis life.

I worked at walmart too for about a year. It drained my soul lol

Quote from: EmberWolfe on September 20, 2016, 05:01:05 PM
I have asked myself that same question so many times..

Honestly. (And this takes so much to type out.) I feel like I would be happier being me. Being the man I see in my head. I feel guilty for saying that, but it is true. I want to be the me I know I should be, even if I have to leave everyone else behind.

Yeah, that kind of answers it for you I think, in a way. I had to ask myself that question, and the answer I was given, devastated me. I 95% approve and accept of who I am, but I am still trying to gain that last 5%. It is good that you can answer that question with honesty, even though it is hard. Definitely a good step.

Quote from: EmberWolfe on September 20, 2016, 04:57:33 PM
Thank you everyone for taking the time and replying. It means so much. I have been on other forums in the past and have never gotten replies or anything so fast. Thank you.

How do people find the courage to take this first step..?
how do I do this

These forums are fantastic when it comes to helping! They've been like a rock for me during all of this.

As for courage. I wish I knew! With me, I just... do it. Like the first time I came out, it was just blurted out there. Told my husband I needed to talk to him, he started freaking out, and wanted to know what I was talking about, and out it went.

I am planning to tell him again... maybe tomorrow as I have to leave the house anyway. So with that, it is just going to be a thing of maybe not having the courage, but pushing ahead anyway. Not for everyone I am sure. lol

Quote from: EmberWolfe on September 20, 2016, 05:01:05 PM
I have asked myself that same question so many times..

Honestly. (And this takes so much to type out.) I feel like I would be happier being me. Being the man I see in my head. I feel guilty for saying that, but it is true. I want to be the me I know I should be, even if I have to leave everyone else behind.

Quote from: Trent X on September 20, 2016, 05:03:03 PM
Yeah, that kind of answers it for you I think, in a way. I had to ask myself that question, and the answer I was given, devastated me. I 95% approve and accept of who I am, but I am still trying to gain that last 5%. It is good that you can answer that question with honesty, even though it is hard. Definitely a good step.


These forums are fantastic when it comes to helping! They've been like a rock for me during all of this.

As for courage. I wish I knew! With me, I just... do it. Like the first time I came out, it was just blurted out there. Told my husband I needed to talk to him, he started freaking out, and wanted to know what I was talking about, and out it went.

I am planning to tell him again... maybe tomorrow as I have to leave the house anyway. So with that, it is just going to be a thing of maybe not having the courage, but pushing ahead anyway. Not for everyone I am sure. lol

I've lost a lot of people and left those who didn't care for me behind with an iron fist. I showed no mercy nor content with my actions when making them. Your never going to be happy nor upset by any choice when it comes to your own being. IF you have doubts by them you may be very something else. But if you don't then your staying true to yourself. What YOU will find in the future is other like-minded individuals like us around you. You'll be surprised honestly.

I waited 8 years between knowing I was trans and coming out partially because I was sure that my family would disown me. In that time I worked hard, found a job with good insurance, and just quietly kept throwing money into my savings account in the event that I could ever transition. Then I turned 25. I don't know what it was that triggered me, probably someone jokingly asking if I had already planned out my quarter life crisis - but I realized that I had lived a quarter of my life as a stranger and that if I continued to do nothing, I'd either end up living someone else's life and staying miserable because of it, or dead because the misery became too much.

And that was exactly what I told my parents. Turns out they would rather have a happy son than a depressed (or worse) daughter. Getting up the nerve to have that conversation was hard, especially not know what kind of response I would get. But mentally I had just reached a point where the response didn't matter. Obviously I hoped for the best, but at the end of the day I knew what I needed to do and the train was leaving the station with or without my parents' approval.

In terms of relationships with partners, I'd like to think that everyone's significant other wants to be with the best version of their partner. And I think it would be tough for any of us to say that we were at our best pre-transition, in the closet. It may not change the fact that he's not attracted to men or interested in being with one, but if he cares about you he should want you to be the best you that you can be.