You know, I never really consider any of this stuff that big of a deal. People are people to me. I see us as a giant combination of so many things that came together and created something amazing and wonderful. We are alive! We are capable of so much. Every single one of us is a person with potential and I have no right to take that potential away from another person. I had always tried to treat others with respect, because that was just part of being human. But, when you are growing up you never really realize how different the world is from the vision you have in your wind.
Now, I didn't say that vision is bad or good. I just realize that instead of the world being black and white, it was full of so many tints and shades each color and that made it interesting, sad, joyful, boring, exciting, and so many other descriptions. I actually didn't know anything about how someone was able to love another person of the same gender until I was a teenager. But, truthfully I didn't see anything wrong it with it because why should those people need my approval? They aren't doing anything wrong and I don't need their approval. We all just want to live our lives.
I remember growing up and having a fascination with imagining my partner as a female or male or both sometimes. My first partner thought this was sick and didn't like it when I had talked about or thought about them that way. So of course, you don't say anything. It makes you sound crazy or gross or wrong in their eyes. My second partner was a bigot about it and I turned into a nasty person so I could defend people to them. However, you know what, these people never asked me to do that. We always think we are doing that group of people a favor until we realize that they didn't ask us to. Also, we just lumped them into a group and decided on who they were before we even got to know them. Aren't we more than just our sexuality or gender identity?
My current partner is my lover and my future wife if plans go smoothly. However, we know that isn't the case. Things will happen and it will be hard and not easy. But, I don't want to be a total drama llama about this.
I guess I just wanted to reach out. I think I am fairly open minded and patient person. I love my fiancee' and she is a beautiful woman to me on the inside and outside, although her exterior doesn't have the correct parts that she wishes for.
When I met her in college, I felt like something like this was going on with her. However, it would take about 7 to 8 years before we even dated and talked about things. I remember saying something and then I asked her "Are you transgendered?"
I didn't have a lot of information on the subject before. I had watched a tv show on Brandon Teena and found out about the horrible stuff that had happened to her. I know that evil or animosity exists everywhere. It just seemed so cruel for something that I didn't feel like someone should be killed for. That is just how that person felt and someone else made the decision for that person and caused them to be hurt and possibly not exist.
I have met lots of different people in my life. People with two parents, people with no parents, people with one parent, people who live with grandma or grandpa or aunt or uncle or something else all together. People who have done drugs or drink or smoke. People addicted to drugs or sex or whatever. People who have cheated or stole or something. People who like girls, guys who like guys, or girls who like girls or people who don't like anyone. It became my belief that there really is no such thing as normal and that wasn't a bad thing.
I question a lot of things. I have gone back in posts made on my Live Journal, Gaia Online, and other sites. I have questioned whether I was bi for a long time. For over a decade or more. Sometimes I am like does it really matter? Labels are part of the problem here. Why do I want to know so badly?
But, then I think about my girl friend and I also get confused. I love her and I had figured this was a possibility before we had dated. Nothing really shocks me. But, I think I am making the mistake where I think I understand someone and I really don't.
I will never know who she feels living in a body that she feels is wrong. I am misgendered a lot, but it is not the same thing. I can change my appearance. She really can't without something extreme.
She has been seeing a therapist for a few months or more. It seems to help her in some ways and then in others kind of make her perplexed. I try to help. I went with to the sessions until I got a different job and had to move.
I go back and forth between wanting her to move her and work and maybe get HRT here or telling her that maybe it would be good for her to stay with her therapist for a while and get HRT there and she will see have the support of her parents who are for this and also some other friends there that she has. If she moved here, she would have to start over.
I am not sure what to really suggest. This is her choice. I just want to give her some good advice.
But, I am realizing that I really don't understand. What do you do with this feeling?
The issues right now are family and job and the fact we are engaged. She already has anxiety and I don't think the job she wants exists. She would like to work in a back room repairing computers or machines and not interact with the public. I honestly don't know what to search for. I have been trying to help her find something for five months or more. She wants a different job, but is really scared and doesn't really know what to do. I don't either.
My family is gender oriented and not gender oriented if that makes since. We all have to do what we can, but lots of things are pushed off on certain members. The biggest problem is the religion factor. My side is almost all Catholic and they are pretty much black and white Catholics. You have to do this, you can't do that. So they would have a problem with someone being transgender. Next they would have a problem with someone being a bisexual (me). Third they would have a problem with a same sex relationship. I feel like once everything is out of in the open, I am going to have to make a choice between them and my fiancee' and I hate knowing that.
It also makes me upset that she can't get married the way she wants to. Catholic weddings aren't supposed to be outside and obviously not being a woman and woman or boy planning on becoming a woman. I am kind of in the middle right of where my faith is because I don't agree with all the hatred that seems to created because of it.
I just want to know right now what to do to help her and myself.
