When my boyfriend went on a several week holiday to meet up with his dad, I began to break down mentally and depression got a hold of me. This wasn't the first time this happened. When there's nobody around to regularly converse with or distract my mind, my thoughts wander towards my own insecurity, my general disgust of my masculinity and fear of mirrors. This was when I decided that enough is enough, and I would at least make an honest attempt at transitioning.

I had suffered from terrible gender dysphoria for many years, wanting to die because I couldn't be a girl and even sometimes considering plans to. It was not until 22, however, that I actually felt confident that I really was trans, and not just a boy who wanted to be a girl. At that time, my failure to transition was not about a lack of confidence in who I was, but rather a lack of confidence that I could actually do it. I lacked any social and financial resources and was too socially awkward presenting as 'male' to either work or find someone to help me transition. Additionally, I assumed that any therapist would say "go home, boy," or that my parents would stop any attempted transition by making me use my $2000 life savings on food, or by giving me synthetic steroids, so that there was no way it could possibly work.

For me, too, it was desperation, not confidence, that drove me to transition. By the time I was 27, I had bad MPB and only one year left to total baldness. I knew that transitioning was the only way to save the one thing I actually liked about my body. I had also recently acquired some money, enough to transition, I thought. I overcame my fears due to desperation to save my hair.

Once I discovered the joys of estrogen, I knew there was no going back. The hormonal changes gave me the confidence to present as female openly, something that always seemed out of reach before. The wild emotions and changes to my skin and chest further reaffirmed my sense of femininity, and there was no going back. And while my hair count is lower than ever, the hair I have left is thick and shiny, quite a contrast from just over 2 years ago. If I had not suffered from hair loss, I would probably still be presenting as an unhappy male.

I wouldn't say it was confidence that made me start to transition, but more of a light bulb turning on.  It was a realization that I have felt like a women since I was six. I had my first real and painful sense of dysphoria at six when I realized that I did not have a girls body.  I lived as an androgynous gay man for a while, but as I have gotten older my body as moved from androgynous to more masculine.  I was like, "well, I guess it's now."  I started seeing a gender therapist and getting electrolysis.  I have been so hesitant through the whole thing, most likely from the fact I was shamed so much as a small child for being too girly.  I still feel embarassed for being girly.   Despite that, I keep going back to therapy and electrolysis and keep taking hormones because they feel right even with my brain wanting to say it's wrong because of how I was treated as a child.  It's so sad that what is said to a child can haunt them forever.  But hey, at least I'm finally being genuine.

Quote from: Elis on September 26, 2016, 08:39:48 AM
Agree with FTMax. I think all trans people hit the wall where they feel like they can't continue as they are. You'll never be 100% confident bcos transitioning is a an unknown situation. You're going to think wth am I doing; you're going to want to give up. But there comes a point when I thought to myself I'm utterly miserable and can't and don't want to be this miserable so what do I have to lose. Being homeless or risking being turned away from HRT was a better choice than how I was; which was simply existing.

It was the same for me. I had been wearing mostly men's clothes and had cut my hair shorter several years ago but had been waiting on transitioning anymore because I'm currently stuck living with my transphobic family. However, in the last year I realized I couldn't keep living like I was, and I'd rather risk winding up homeless than continuing on the way I was, so I went ahead and started HRT. The weird thing is that even though my doctors are commenting about how my voice is deeper and some other changes, my family hasn't said anything about any of it.

To a certain extent I had been transitioning since I was in my teens and allowed to pick some of my own clothes though because I started wearing a lot of unisex shirts, jeans, and men's shoes.

After a year of cross-living and getting my letters for SRS. I booked the date and never looked back.

I have approached this "transitioning" from a bit different direction than most. I had lived my life by developing rigid, protectionist coping mechanisms. They worked and I made it into my mid 60's relatively content with a raised family and having retired from a good, satisfying career. As I said, life had been good but not WOW kind of stuff. That is when my wife and I stumbled onto gender identity concepts and I discovered what life could be. And the WOW showed up big time. It showed up strongly enough to realize that going back was not an alternative. Shortly after that Anne was born. This is probably the point that you are asking about. While as an R&D engineer I had approached almost everything, not as "why it couldn't work" but rather "how can we make it work". After discovering Anne in my life it was all about how can we make this happen. We are not full time and probably will never be, we are hoping for 60% to 80% Anne with the guy mode showing up enough to keep the home hearts balanced and happy and the legal word at bay. HRT is going well, facial and head hair are being addressed, out and about in the community is great, family and friends are learning about Anne with a higher percentage than expected success rate. No, it hasn't been free of drama and pain but the joys of Anne in both of our lives diminishes them considerably.

I like the way that Monica (HappyMoni) said it, "How do you know if transitioning is right for you? I am a big believer in taking preliminary steps toward transitioning and seeing how it feels. If it is wrong, it will probably become apparent. If it is right, you will be surprised that many of the things you thought might be weird for your old self are actually very comfortable.".

Anne