I want to get a better understanding of how dysphoria affects people.
If you want to, it'd help if you also described your dysphoria. Social vs Body? What were you dysphoric about? Do you think you can/could've lived with out transition? Does it wax and wane or is it constant? (How high/low can it get?) And anything else you'd like mention.
Thank you!

i don't have dysphoria very often
but when i do it's mostly cause of my breasts??
it weirds me out that people look at me and think "woman, girl, she" when im very much none of those things
i never really planned on transistioning of any sort cause im p satisfied with my body but
id like to wear more flashy unusual clothes
really bright unnatural colours and weird shapes and worn down coats that sparkle
stuff like that, that distracts and is 'naturally' distanced from gender and typical expressions of it (i say 'naturally' because any kind of gender and expression thereof at all is mere social abstraction)

Ok.  I have dysphoria when I can't forget that I have a body.  During converstion/activities, I can feel ok.  But feling the bulkiness of my body, or hearing my voice, or being reminded of the bodies of women who have feminine shapes, then I'm very sad and anxious.  Honestly, the wrong trigger can ruin a whole day for me.  It makes me not want to go in public and it makes me hate everything about myself.


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My dysphoria fluctuated throughout my life.  It was so tightly repressed growing up I never even noticed it, which in hindsight was a complete blessing.

Once I realized in my early thirties what was going on with me, it was like a floodgate opened up.  Everything about myself made me dysphoric.  The only way to stop the dysphoria was to get to the root of it, which was understanding how I and other people came to gender me.

So I got right of my facial hair.  I developed a female voice.  Got on hormones.  Lost weight.  Built up a new wardrobe.  I had radical facial surgery, bottom surgery, breast surgery.  I cut off previous relationships where I wasn't getting gendered properly.  And then, finally, I went out into the world and simply let my presentation carry me. 

And it worked!  I don't feel dysphoric anymore. 

Well, with one exception.  On occasion I have the wrong dreams, and I wake up feeling mildly upset.  But that quickly passes after a cursory self-examination. 

Thats a good question...I didnt know what dysphoria was and couldnt understand it, still dont, I just knew it felt "right" to be what I am and I felt a strong pull in that direction. Like sophia above said much of the dysphoria came after the repressed period of my entire life, once I was "enlightened" that I could be/was trans the floodgates opened and I felt more body aware and conscious of what I wanted/needed to be

To answer your questions more accurately:

Social vs Body? What were you dysphoric about?

Definitely a lot of social, I know for a fact all men and women are not indeed the same and hate relying on stereotype, but a the same time the vast majority of one gender tends to have a "culture", and I did not mesh with mine at all, I still look at those women who's aura and culture was such as the typical social norms, and I wonder how I ever was with them.

Body ia a little weird and difficult, I've never felt "In the wrong body", it was my body...but as I hit puberty things felt weird but I ultimately acknowledged and ignored it. Most of me I was indifferent or apathetic to, it was kind of just there, but I knew if I had my body with more male parts and traits I would be much more comfortable and satisfied than I was


Do you think you can/could've lived with out transition?

Thats a tough question...like I said my dysphoria wasnt THAT bad, I tell myself I shouldnt need to transition, I should feel fine as I was. Im still not sure if I shouldve dropped it all and just lived life like I "should" have, it certainly would have been easier, all I know is I feel much happier and more confident than before, even if somehow transition wasnt "necessary" to live a happy and normal life. I wonder if I could drop everything and go back, if the urge to transition will come back. Thing is though with how far ahead am and how much realization I overcome its hard to think I was anything anyone thought I was


Does it wax and wane or is it constant? (How high/low can it get?)


Its probably at its highest when I have social pressure, or when Im made to wear the attire. I was forced into dresses and bathing suits and I hated it, I was forced into gendered groups and I hated it. I hated looking down at myself in the crotch and during my beginning stages of puberty I didnt evem know what I looked like, and during menstruation it was super frustrating.

Hard to say.. My dysphoria isn't so much the screamer in a horror movie as the sulky teenager shrugging and muttering "Fine, I didn't want to do that anyways!" as she stalks away disappointed.

Good question, makes me look at how I feel. Right now I have had to stop shaving for an up and coming electrolysis session. My hrt has slowed the facial hair growth down a bit and now I am needing 5 plus days before each session, lucky that I am doing all day clearing session every 6 weeks so 5 plus days every month and a half is not too bad, until I have to do it. Today I am having mild dysphoria, or probably just feeling sulky missing myself for it has been 2 to 3 weeks since I had to hide Anne away. Usually I live euphorically, high as a kite enjoying life as Anne.

I suffer heavily from genital dysphoria. It's difficult for me to do basic things like going to the bathroom, getting dressed, taking a shower, etc.

The level that its at right now is incredibly high and I'm doing my best to cope until I have surgery.

On the bright side I don't suffer from any other forms of dysphoria anymore. Both social and physical is like non existent minus the genital. I'm super happy with how my body has developed over the years. Socially my life is pretty norm. All in all, after 6-7 years of transition things have gotten so much better but the genital dypshoria has been getting worst over the years.

Good set of questions, and Anne's response got me thinking.  (Dangerous, that!)

Social vs Body? What were you dysphoric about?
Mostly my body, although I've always been more comfortable interacting with women than men.  With men I was uncomfortable because I never quite knew how to respond in social situations, so I became quite introverted.

My body dysphoria triggers are the usual suspects; genitalia, sight or touch; facial hair; the act of shaving.  Seeing myself in a mirror used to be pretty bad, but now I'm starting to see Michelle more.  (Yay HRT!)

Do you think you can/could've lived with out transition?
No.  Over the decades the constant dysphoria and neurochemical imbalance (less T, more E please!) kept grinding away at me producing chronic depression and anxiety, untreated because I would have to reveal my 'perversion' (thank you, transphobes everywhere!).  Last March I was ready to commit suicide.  I'm better now.

Does it wax and wane or is it constant? (How high/low can it get?)

Excellent question!  I'm on HRT, and I now understand courtesy of my therapist that the euphoria I experienced when HRT kicked in wasn't classical euphoria, but intense relief from the fading away of the 'noise' in my mind that the bad neurochemistry produced.  With my new inner calmness and mindfulness, I've been able to identify a number of things I need to address, all of which drive my transition.

The dysphoria does indeed come and go.  Right now it's almost gone, as I've been solidly Michelle for 72 hours straight (family out of town), all properly tidied up, tucked, and dressed. I've just been doing what I usually do, fixing stuff around the house, shopping, cooking, doing laundry.  I just settle in and I'm fine. 

I wandered outside a little while ago and brought in the trash cans, then went down to the mailbox and got the mail.  I neglected to hide myself or take precautions against being seen. I can just hear my spouse. "Horrors!  What will the neighbors say?"  And that brings on a little dysphoria.

My family comes back home tomorrow, and I'll have to hide myself away, more or less, possibly until Monday.  That brings on more dysphoria.

As Anne commented, the actual act of stripping my clothing and hair, my makeup, all the bits that symbolize Michelle, is a huge source of dysphoria.  When I do that tomorrow I'll be crying for a while.  What keeps me going is knowing that in a little while I won't have to do that any more.  Not even on the day before electrolysis.   (Ben Nye concealer, real industrial strength stuff!  Lay a coat down before foundation and the hair becomes pretty hard to spot from more than a couple feet away.)

I'd have to say that the longer we spend as our true selves, and as the frequency with which we can be our true selves increases, the worse the dysphoria gets when we have to hide ourselves away.  When I could only be myself for a few hours every few weeks putting myself away and cross-dressing as a male wasn't too hard, just a bump in the constant dysphoria.  Now, when I am myself several days a week, periods like now are wonderful, and that makes the dysphoria all the worse when I have to take myself apart and hide again.

That's a big factor driving my transition.

Yea, it's weird eh... Me im AMAB, and I personally never really got along with guys, especially in groups. The thing is, for me this is something that also happens with 'typical girls', in a way. Perhaps my story is a bit of a weird one, I'm 30 years old now and I've basically had two transitions. The first one when I was 23-26, after that I took the decision to present as a guy for another 2 years. Now, I've been on hormones for a year again and my SRS is happening in 8 months.

How I felt about myself, including the dysphoria, has been vastly different in those two 'phases' of transition. During the first phase I was all out rushing into the 'girl thing', including all of the social norms. I was immensely preoccupied with my looks and my aura, to the point that I forgot about myself and started to lose sense of what I was doing. Youth, I guess 😉 .

Do you think you can/could've lived with out transition?

In those two years of presenting as a guy again, I've learned to accept my masculine side a lot more. Even though I'm a woman in the end, these two years have helped me to learn that my masculine side is nothing to be hated, and since it's how I was born, it's also where a (big) part of my strength lies. It's my footing, so to say.

My dysphoria is closely connected to how I feel now. Don't get me wrong, all of these experiences have taught me the only body that suits me is a female one. When presenting as a guy I really learned to hate myself a lot less, but I also lost touch with the girls around me... Having their friendly looks turn into a cold stare as I got off hormones was one of the worst experiences I ever had. In my mind I was still the same person but in theirs, I was just another guy, a potential threat. This is when I first really understood the difference between body and social dysphoria.

So in short: I've tried to live without transitioning, but it's not my thing.

Social vs Body? What were you dysphoric about?

Right now I don't get misgendered a lot anymore, I 'pass' pretty well. That has taken the bulk of my social dysphoria away. I get accepted by the girls/women as one of them/us again, which has helped me immensely with my social dysphoria.

This hasn't alleviated my body dysphoria though. My social status is 'female', but I still feel horrible when I look at my pre-SRS body in the mirror. Perhaps this is also shaped in part by society's idea of how a woman is supposed to look like, I can imagine lots of girls experiece this. Guy parts are a major let-down though 🙁

Altogether, having detransitioned in the middle has made me understand a lot more about myself. Before I didn't really know myself and I also didn't care. In my mind I was a girl, and everybody with a different opinion was kicked out of my life. Having stepped down and breathed learned me to accept my body a lot more. Even though I don't want it to stay masculine, it's the body I've got to do with the rest of my life. So learning to love it is really important!

Does it wax and wane or is it constant? (How high/low can it get?)

Right now, it's pretty much the same every day. I don't get misgendered in public life, and unless that happens I'm actually strong enough to tolerate the body dysphoria until SRS. Being misgendered by girls my age puts me down the most. As for guys, well... Unless I totally resolve my body dysphoria (SRS) I won't even think about sharing my body with them. Yes I'm heterosexual but my body dysphoria is strong enough to completely block off any sexual feelings when it really gets 'hot'.

The whole thing has changed me a lot though. I'm definitely a woman, but I also don't want to just be that. It's like having a radio, you can either listen in mono or  you can switch in stereo sound. Sticking to what people deem to be 'female behavior' feels limiting in many ways. This doesn't make me feel any less of a woman, on the contrary. I love myself the way I am, and I wouldn't want to live any other way. But I'm not that hateful towards masculinity anymore, I accept it as a major part of myself, and as a source of strength. In turn, this has empowered me as a woman and it has alleviated my dysphoria a lot too.

Quote from: elineq on October 13, 2016, 02:02:28 AMSticking to what people deem to be 'female behavior' feels limiting in many ways.

All the women I know transgress expectations.  Because we'd all be a lot more angry than we are if we didn't.  The thing is, we all know what the rules are, why we're breaking them in this particular instance, and what the repercussions of that will be, both positive and negative.  It's isn't something that's done absent-mindedly, which is a mark of privilege.

Expanding ourselves doesn't lead to feeling wrong. It leads to some women admiring us, and other women resenting us.  The repercussions are primarily emotional, in other words. 

Tread carefully.  No, tread with intention.

And of course it's different when the story is out. Once, in an environment where people knew, I broke the rules (I decided not to clean up a mess I didn't make myself, but which I was in the best position to attend to that day) and suddenly the story becomes a weapon -- then it's thrown back in your face, like, "You're letting your male privilege showing." 

Which, to be fair, was probably right.  And yes, it made me dysphoric.  So I had to change.

I don't suffer distress over my male body but would prefer to have a female one and find myself wishing my body were more like that of the women I am surrounded by daily.  Unlike some who find functioning in their anatomically male bodies difficult, I get through the day fine.

I'd rate my average level of dysphoria to be moderate in severity, occasionally becoming severe for brief periods, at the present time since starting therapy, it is much lower although still a lingering level of distress in the background daily.

For the most part my dysphoria surrounds the need to submerge the feminine, present as male both at work and home, denied the ability to express femininity in dress and behavior as well as social role.  At the relatively low levels of dysphoria I feel at present, I cannot justify transition. The sense I feel of need to do it is fairly low and the cost of transition high--less so by monetary measures, mainly by reason personal costs.

I have occasions when I can spend a weekend alone in "Steph mode" which tends to have varying effects.  Most recently, calming and pleasant without late effects since I started therapy.  Much earlier,  it was quite the reliever of dysphoria while living in female mode but  as time went on these female mode episodes followed by a crushing wave of worsening dysphoria for about a week where I wanted more and the unhappiness with my maleness intensified.

I have been discussing the HRT question with MtF friends.  I am quite afraid  of a trial of hormones.  I have no real plans for transition because of circumstance at present.  I am afraid if I were to have a trial of estrogen, I would like the effect so much it would draw me into the transition I'd really like to reserve for distress I cannot handle while continuing my current life.  I fear it would be the deal with the devil for me, so to speak.  Figuratively like suggesting I try a few weeks of methamphetamine to see if I like it.

I am open to the idea of pursuing transition but only if conservative measures and therapy fail to help me control dysphoria.

Steph

At this point my dysphoria is minimal - because I've cut out almost all aspects of my life in which I might have to confront it. Yes, that means I don't have much of a life.

In my way of thinking, dsyphoria equals discomfort. I was uncomfortable wearing men's clothing. Wearing women's clothes helped, but was not the answer in itself. (Hence I don't call myself a crossdresser) I was also uncomfortable  being viewed as male. Transitioning has helped this social dysphoria to a tremendous degree. That is not the end of it either however. The third leg of my dysphoria is the body discomfort (sorry for the double meaning). I am beginning arrangements for GCS. This is hard because thinking about what needs to be done makes it impossible to be distracted from my discomfort, so it gets pretty bad. The feeling of needing my body "right" is extremely strong. What usually triggers dysphoria  is seeing something feminine that I like but have not achieved. Today was a bit different. I was at a friend's and unexpectedly saw a picture of me as the "best man." I had a beard at the time. It hit me suddenly and I felt like screaming It was weird.I don't know how I took being "male" for so long. Not sure if this is what you were looking for. Oh, for me, the older I got the worse the feelings became.
Monica

Wow! This really is a mammoth question, isn't it? So many directions to take this in...

Social vs Body / What were you dysphoric about?

I suffer from both kinds of dysphoria pretty heavily. I have a very hard time communicating effectively with men, always have, and this presents a major problem for me at work. If a meeting is led by a man, I tend to just sit there and not actively participate, even if I have things to contribute. The only people I have come out to are all women and I have some concern over fielding questions from men in the office when I eventually go full-time...even though I work in a very trans-friendly company (and HR has already been clued in on the future). I do not associate with men almost at all, other than casual meaningless stranger greetings, outside of work. I am also exclusively attracted to women, which is confusing for people who don't understand that gender and sexual orientation are distinct from each other. With that being said, I do have occasional fantasies about having sex with a man, but I think that may be related more to "being a woman" than really wanting that, as I do not find men attractive for the most part.

I actively dislike my body...being biologically male. I have allowed maybe half a dozen pictures to be taken of me in the last two years...and half of those were mandatory work-related things. I do not like looking at myself in the mirror at all. I tend to shave my face as quickly as I can so I can move on to other things. I have a week's worth of male business attire for work, so I wear the same clothes every week. The thought of buying more male clothes when the clothes I want to buy are just across the aisle depresses me greatly. I let my hair grow out until somebody says something and then I get it cut short again. My living situation for the next few months does not allow me much time at all to just be...to be Alyssa. I am hoping some of this will calm down when I am living alone and can just exist as I want in my own space.

Do you think you could/ could've lived without transition?

Brutal honesty? No. I would eventually kill myself if I didn't act on this. The older I get the worse it gets. The regrets continue to pile up until they bury me. I go through a cycle of depression which leads to suicidal ideation which, in turn, leads to a suicide attempt. Once I come out on the other side of an attempt, I find myself grateful to be alive...that this is all behind me...until I start feeling depressed again a few months later. I have gone through this cycle four times. My last suicide attempt was 2009. I am LONG overdue for a full cycle. When I found myself deeply depressed again this year, I knew what was coming. Each suicide attempt gets closer to success than the last. I do not think I would survive the next one. I decided I needed to make a choice. I needed to either be Alyssa or accept what was likely to happen in the future and be okay with it. I am happy with my decision and I  have never been remotely as happy as I am now.

Does it wax or wane or is it constant?

Years ago, I would have said that it waxes and wanes, contributing to the depressive cycles I mentioned above. But now I know it is constant. Life circumstances and inability to accept causes it to be pushed down for a while, but it is always there...active under the surface. When something would trigger it for me after a longish period - like a group of cute girls giggling together in the mall - all of it would rush up at once. It isn't just an instant dysphoric anomaly. It builds up under pressure and that pressure is eventually released. Intensity therefore depends on how long it has been since I felt that way...but really the level of dysphoria is always the same.

Alyssa

What a fantastic thread!  It has really made me think about my place in this world and it's also fascinating seeing others' insights.

Social v Body/What am I dysphoric about?
For me, the simple answer is social.  I've always wished I'd been born a girl so I could do girl type things.  Nowadays, from time to time I'll see a woman in the street and there's just something about her that I feel an almost irresistable urge to emulate - clothing, hair, makeup etc.  I say 'almost' as circumstances at present force me to present 100% as male.  That's not to say there's no body dysphoria - I look in the mirror to try to see feminine features, when in the bath, I get a kick out of 'tucking' and pushing my 'moobs' into a cleavage, and I hate my body hair - but there's no feeling of being trapped in the wrong body.

I think, above all, I feel a little 'cheated' by nature.  If only the sperm had been carrying an 'X' chromosome, everything would have been OK!

Can I live without transition?
As things are at present, yes.  Earlier in the year, my dysphoria got so bad that I thought that transition was a 'no brainer' but, now that it has subsided to a low level, I can see that it may not be the right answer.  What I don't know, of course, is if I was to go completely full time, whether those doubts would evaporate - I do know that, when I have dressed as a female in the past, I have felt a feeling of complete calm (as if things were finally as they should have been) but, equally, there was always a point at which I needed to revert back to male.  Again, whether this was because, deep down, I didn't want to be fully female or whether it was the guilt of doing it behind others' backs I don't know.

I would also add that I would have to pay a high price for transition - loss of spouse, possible loss of kids, loss of comfortable surroundings etc. and my feeling is that, for me, this is too high a price to pay.  My hobbies and interests are also very male in nature and these issues reaffirm my belief that transition is not currently appropriate for me.

Does it wax & wane?
Very much.  As I mentioned above, my dysphoria was chronically high earlier in the year (at a level where, had circumstances permitted, I would almost certainly have started transitioning).  It is currently very low but I am starting to sense a rise.

Other thoughts
I think the biggest issue I face is feeling fraudulent.  I'm not being honest to my spouse - even though I have completely purged all of my female clothing, the urges have not gone away and I'd be lying if I said that I feel completely at ease with my gender.  Equally, I feel fraudulent here - I can call myself 'Amanda' but, as I present 100% as male, 'Amanda' does not exist in the real world other than as the feminine side of my personality.  Looking at the struggles others in this community have gone through or are going through, my life is easy by comparison but, that said, I often wish that I could stretch a little further along the TG pathway.

I also feel that I've never really 'fitted in'.  I wanted to get close to the girls in primary school, I prefer friendships with women nowadays and I look at guys walking in the street and, whilst I do have male feelings, can't really identify with them.

I would also make mention of 'triggers' which others have already commented on.  I've already talked about seeing a particular woman in the street and wanting to emulate her but, equally, being a part of this community is both a trigger and therapy.  I do know that things would be a lot easier if the internet did not exist and, when my dysphoria is low, I try to avoid things that are going to bring it back up.  However, I do feel a compulsion to log on here every day and find that the before & afters or discussions such as this one can raise the dysphoria levels.  Equally, knowing that others are going through the same struggles as me and learning the strategies they use to cope is helpful in keeping everything under control.  I'd also mention that I once received a response to a post saying that the originator had read my previous posts and commented on the femininity that came through - this sent me into a euphoric tailspin for a while (perhaps because it gave me a degree of legitimacy which, as I wrote above, I doubted).

Finally, there is the envy.  Envy of genetic females and the clothing & lifestyle they have available, envy of those who have undergone full transition and are embracing their beauty and femininity as a result and envy of those who can cross to and fro between the genders at will without risking everything.  Critically, this is envy - 'I wish that was me' - rather than jealousy which makes it manageable.


As is frequently the case with me, a long and rambling reply but I have found the opportunity to soul search very stimulating so thank you for raising these questions.

Amanda

Social vs Body?
Sometimes one, sometimes the other, sometimes both. Often times situational. Like, Spring/Summer onset is the worse for both. As I am out taking my walks on the warm sunny days seeing all the other women dressed and having bodies that I wished all my life I can have, the GD hits me hard. Then it gets even worse if my mind goes back just a few years when I too was often out in the light of day dressed to show off my fem body and feeling great. That was a lifetime ago now. Some days feels like a life I'll never have again 

What were you dysphoric about?
The majority of times it's Body. At 6ft tall, balding since 14, deeper then average voice, frog hands and Super Extra Large feet (and girls know that that also means  😮 ) it is one great IRONY me being trans. About the only thing missing is being something like a steel worker, or Boiler Maker which runs in the family.  Yet, no genital dysphoria for the most part. Sure, I'd rather not have the dangly bits. Never had much choice in life except to accept at some level what I have. The bits and I have had some great times together. I also cannot deny as time is going by and my healing and growth continues, I think a lot more about GCS and ....

Do you think you can/could've lived with out transition?
What got me to take on the Trans-Beast for real was reaching a point of realizing how I was NOT handling being trans negatively affected me. Oh yeah, that little "Suicide looking like a viable option" thingy was a great motivator. One choice had the Do-Over option. I love having a Plan-B to fall back on

For me "Transitioning" means to change and I've made a lot of changes on how I manage my GD, starting with how I think about myself. That took a lot of hard work, still does even 7 years into the process.  Without that personal growth, HRT, a fantastic TG Support Group with a couple of special angels there to catch me when I was falling I would never have the Joy I do in my life now

Does it wax and wane or is it constant?
Most days now the GD is like background noise. Unlike the past, I no longer need to overwhelm myself with distractions and diversions in order to not allow myself to even think about being Trans. I have, somewhat reluctantly, totally accepted that I am Trans and there isn't a thing I can do to change that. All I can do is change how I manage my condition.

To a large degree all that I am doing is allowing me to hold together all the important aspects of my life. Gender is but one piece of me. In a perfect world I would fully transition, socially as well as medically to be 100% authentic. Most days 80% or so feels pretty good. Most days I do not feel I need to put at risk a good chunk of that 80% to temporarily be at 100%. Then, there are the moments, hours, rarely days, that it seems worth the risk. Today I know I am up to the challenges, unlike my two failed attempts decades ago.

Social vs Body?
Body when I look in the mirror.  I am noticing things like how I'm a bit turned off by my own genitals, and I don't like myself in most men's clothes, but I get elated to see myself looking female.

I want to say that social's never been much of an issue for me, but I do find it hard to relate to males, which makes "male-bonding" hard, and has even led to violence in the past.  I don't care about sports, or looking at "bitches", or most masculine things.  I like playing dress-up, surrounding myself with cute / soft things, girl-talking, and intellectual discourse.  The last one is the only one which really works on men, and even then, only the intellectual ones: jocks want to do homoerotic displays of masculinity, not talk about physics and philosophy, and that's very isolating to me.  I really enjoy when I'm online and all the guys treat me as a girl.  I have facebook, F-List, Deviant-Art, and FurAffinity accounts which are exclusively female, and I'm a female on all of my non-professional forums at this point.  I don't even mind too much when the guys on those sides get really creepy / chauvinistic, because it's really self-affirming in a strange way to get that directed towards me.  On F-List, I'm known to be extremely effeminate, but also extremely fun, because sex is probably where I experience the most exclusively feminine feelings, so I really get in to it when I'm able to play out a fantasy of being a really cute girl.

What were you dysphoric about?
I don't really know: my dysphoria is kind of subtle.  My Euphoria is much more potent, but also comes and goes: I'm something of a tomboy, and I have much bigger problems than this, including dissociation, which can play into it.  See above for some details though.

Do you think you can/could've lived with out transition?
Sure, but it's making me happier just to be dealing with it, and as a non-conformist with severe C-PTSD, that's all that really matters to me.  Part of the reason my psychologist and I are bothering to treat this is because it may actually be aggravating my CPTSD and causing me to dissociate more, and I really can't afford to ignore a roadblock like that.

Does it wax and wane or is it constant?
Obviously.  Some situations are more gendered than others, and some things are only gendered because of dumb cultural reasons.  For example: I'm a bit of a "girl gamer".  Playing Video Games is one of my favorite activities, especially if I get to roleplay a female and make her look cute like I did in Neverwinter Nights 2 server I'm on.  That's not dysphoric because it's an a-gendered activity.  Even in games like DOOM and HeXen where the player character is decidedly a manly-man (with a pet bunny), it doesn't matter, because that's just the main character.

Now, when I'm in a situation where gender is very important, like sex, I can get really uncomfortable.  Sex is hard for me as a male, because I find it awkward and actually don't enjoy most of the sensations, nor do I find my partners that physically attractive.  As a female though, sex is awesome, especially with a big guy who can really do stuff to me.  On another note, situations with gender-segregation have always been irritating to me from a young age: I've resigned to go to the girl side if I'm ever in another males-vs-females activity, of only to screw with people.

How high/low can it get?
Dysphoria can be more annoying than crippling for me, but Euphoria can be a real good buzz.

And anything else you'd like mention.
Yes: there is a HUGE hole in your questions.  You CANNOT get a good picture of this by asking about Dysphoria but ignoring EUPHORIA, where people in their preferred gender feel a buzz of joy.  I don't have strong dysphoria, but I want to be a female because I LIKE being a girl, not because I hate being a male so strongly.

Quote from: PrincessCrystal on October 26, 2016, 12:03:23 PM
Social vs Body?
Body when I look in the mirror.  I am noticing things like how I'm a bit turned off by my own genitals, and I don't like myself in most men's clothes, but I get elated to see myself looking female.

I want to say that social's never been much of an issue for me, but I do find it hard to relate to males, which makes "male-bonding" hard, and has even led to violence in the past.  I don't care about sports, or looking at "bitches", or most masculine things.  I like playing dress-up, surrounding myself with cute / soft things, girl-talking, and intellectual discourse.  The last one is the only one which really works on men, and even then, only the intellectual ones: jocks want to do homoerotic displays of masculinity, not talk about physics and philosophy, and that's very isolating to me.  I really enjoy when I'm online and all the guys treat me as a girl.  I have facebook, F-List, Deviant-Art, and FurAffinity accounts which are exclusively female, and I'm a female on all of my non-professional forums at this point.  I don't even mind too much when the guys on those sides get really creepy / chauvinistic, because it's really self-affirming in a strange way to get that directed towards me.  On F-List, I'm known to be extremely effeminate, but also extremely fun, because sex is probably where I experience the most exclusively feminine feelings, so I really get in to it when I'm able to play out a fantasy of being a really cute girl.

What were you dysphoric about?
I don't really know: my dysphoria is kind of subtle.  My Euphoria is much more potent, but also comes and goes: I'm something of a tomboy, and I have much bigger problems than this, including dissociation, which can play into it.  See above for some details though.

Do you think you can/could've lived with out transition?
Sure, but it's making me happier just to be dealing with it, and as a non-conformist with severe C-PTSD, that's all that really matters to me.  Part of the reason my psychologist and I are bothering to treat this is because it may actually be aggravating my CPTSD and causing me to dissociate more, and I really can't afford to ignore a roadblock like that.

Does it wax and wane or is it constant?
Obviously.  Some situations are more gendered than others, and some things are only gendered because of dumb cultural reasons.  For example: I'm a bit of a "girl gamer".  Playing Video Games is one of my favorite activities, especially if I get to roleplay a female and make her look cute like I did in Neverwinter Nights 2 server I'm on.  That's not dysphoric because it's an a-gendered activity.  Even in games like DOOM and HeXen where the player character is decidedly a manly-man (with a pet bunny), it doesn't matter, because that's just the main character.

Now, when I'm in a situation where gender is very important, like sex, I can get really uncomfortable.  Sex is hard for me as a male, because I find it awkward and actually don't enjoy most of the sensations, nor do I find my partners that physically attractive.  As a female though, sex is awesome, especially with a big guy who can really do stuff to me.  On another note, situations with gender-segregation have always been irritating to me from a young age: I've resigned to go to the girl side if I'm ever in another males-vs-females activity, of only to screw with people.

How high/low can it get?
Dysphoria can be more annoying than crippling for me, but Euphoria can be a real good buzz.

And anything else you'd like mention.
Yes: there is a HUGE hole in your questions.  You CANNOT get a good picture of this by asking about Dysphoria but ignoring EUPHORIA, where people in their preferred gender feel a buzz of joy.  I don't have strong dysphoria, but I want to be a female because I LIKE being a girl, not because I hate being a male so strongly.

Thank you so much for this comment! this is probably the closest to my own feelings that I've ever read!  [emoji1]

 I put my dysphoria was medium to low. It is now. I suffered from severe depression my whole life. I didn't realize it, I thought it was how everyone felt. I did not know what triggered it.


Social vs Body?
Yes. Well that's not helpful is it? I still feel socially awkward. I can get along and do okay socially but I have troubles fitting in, especially in crowds. Always hated my body hair, felt uncomfortable to hate toward my genitalia. Had severe reactions when I started to loose my hair.

Do you think you can/could've lived with out transition?
I thought at the time I could. After 50 years of denial I hit a wall and finally researched and accepted what I am. I realized only this past year that I was on a path to self destruction. Whether it was active (choosing suicide) or more drinking myself to death is anyone's question.

Does it wax and wane or is it constant? (How high/low can it get?)
It did wax and wane. It still does, just not as severely. Most trans folks with dysphoria can distract themselves for awhile. If very busy and exhausted, you can sometimes forget you have it.

For me, it had more to do with not feeling right. Like I always felt there was something between me and the world. Or that I was manipulating this oversized puppet I call my body. The only times I felt right were when I fantasized or dressed as a female. I have never really recognized the person in the mirror(I learned what that person looked like but it never felt like me).

Don't know if that helps.

With warmth,

Joanna