Quote from: Xirafel on October 11, 2016, 04:22:35 AM
Not only talking, but simply appearing before a camera is humiliating.
Streaming my horrendously old, traumatising, disgusting, horrific, twisted, warped face over the internet. Ugh, photographs are bad enough as it is.
No doubt the people over at Microsoft will puke in disgust at it, the NSA may also do so, along with the psychologist. I always tape up the camera.
Young? Most of my life has slipped away. Just look at that face. Actually, don't. It will traumatise you for the rest of your days. It's like something out of Frankenstein.
I doubt that very much, growing up i knew someone who was burned badly over much of his body (esp his face and head and back) when he was very young.. I also grew up during the Angolan war and saw some well not nice things.
I doubt very much you are as bad as you look.. here is a truth i have never told a soul (thanks to my sessions i, and from what i have been reading i feel i need to share)...i hate what i see every time i look in the mirror (avoid it as much as possible, always have always will like i am now).. i dont like seeing myself in photos.. i am not saying its the same as yours, but i can understand. Cis girls find me attractive, i hate it soo much ... lets leave it at that.. every time i look in the mirror i see ugly, unlovable, not liked (maybe hated), disgusting why on earth am i still breathing and who would bother getting to know the real me? who would really care if i stopped? who would truly miss me? (everyday wearing the clothes i have to for work , feels wrong, gives me goose bumps... its too hard to describe.. i relish each night i am home and can change). I feel like i am a bother just by being alive. i am convenient, a brother who everyone expects to see, with a ready smile and big heart.. someone who always helps and drops everything for others, who can fix computers/phones/tvs etc.. who goes out of his way to help, who drops everything to help. A brother who never holds grudges, who shies away from conflict. who gives up thousands so they may have.. who hides the smile and the pain.
i battle this every day of every hour and have for years, somedays its more intense, other days not soo. i struggle opening up to even my therapist. It's hard.. i fear the look, the loathing the misunderstanding.. how to i tell her i cant stand being male, the feelings and desires i suppressed for years are rushing to the surface who i am is busting out.. i fear making the wrong mistake, saying the wrong thing. being rejected, i constantly watch others and adjust my behavour to make them feel comfortable. Every single day is a miracle i am here breathing.. another day i exist.. in gen i am an optimist, but these feelings/thoughts enter my mind often, daily.. i find things to keep going but its hard.. i fight a good fight, i am still here.. but over the last year or soo its becoming harder and harder to find.
so yes i understand the feels, tho not scarred i feel the same about my current looks.
you have to sum up the courage to talk to someone, you must.. if you cant now, how will you handle the looks and confrontations when you do transition (esp the early stages)?
and you def need the bits for GRS, stick with it.. you are young.. you are studying.. you will get your dream.. hell your gonna get there at an age.. where i collapsed, had extremely high blood pressure (they wanted to put my in ICU and monitor my heart rate and blood pressure.. wanted me to take blood pressure pills when i was 19~20. i refused and took the responsibilty that my heart may explode or arteries rupture from the pressure, i like a healthy liver thanks. my mom argued with me and i still refused no way!). i had to go for regular health checks every two weeks for a few months and then month for a couple of years.
