Dear woman who also happen to be transwoman and who love men,

I registered because I feel I need to reach out to others who might understand the problems I have been facing the last couple of years. I have transitioned 6 years ago, but am still pre-op ( but on HRT ) after a long and difficult 25 years of being "gendervariant", not by choice but by nature.

My childhood, male puberty and early adulthood have left tremendous scars, which I have not been able to fully overcome, despite trying every therapy I could find. I have had to accept that I have several mental disorders that I will not be able to cure. The enormous amount of stress I have experienced living as a boy in the past has resulted in chronic illness and chronic fatigue. Beeing able to transition gave me hope, but it has been hard. The hormone therapy and emotional and psychological blows I faced living as a transwoman have eventually taken my last bit of energy and I am now in a place where I feel physically broken and emotionally empty.

All the struggle to survive have not helped to enjoy myself as a woman and I am not able to enjoy myself and what I am. Not socially or physically or romantically. Transition has been an improvement and I have no doubts about my transition but I have not been able to enjoy being a woman because being trans gets in the way of that.

I tried dating but due to ->-bleeped-<-s and the complexity of dating men as a transwoman I have slowly but surely lost interest and the ability to fantasize about the possibility of finding a fullfilling relationship, which has in turn decreased my libido so severely, it could be described as non-existent.

I do not enjoy shopping for clothes anymore (whats the use), and it does not make me feel more feminine or happy. I mention this because this is my problem. My inability to enjoy womanhood. The things keeping me from this I am not able to change. So I try to do it solo, in my heart, but I am having a tough time connecting with my femininity. Perhaps because it was so hurt and I seem to have lost hope for a better life. Like I really tried but failed.

Do some of you experience this? And if so: Would you like to share with me what has helped you? I cant seem to shake of my dissapointment with life and the depression. I do know there are a lot of people on earth that suffer more then I do in life. Still their courage and determination have not inspired me so much as to keep on trying and hoping for something that I now believe will never be. Even though I am still "it" every day of my life. I am not a pretty/ attractive girl...not ugly just plain bordering on ugly)

Hope someone can relate and shed some light. ( not having srs is not my main problem, its being trans and especially the way others react to this fact)

Love
Anothergirlsparadise

Welcome to Susan's Place. I am asexual and had surgery in 1982 but I may be able to shed some light on what you are facing. In the months before I had surgery I reached the point where my dysphoria was pretty well in the background. I realized that my current life was far better than what I had in the past and that was sufficient. My goal was to stop the hurting that I had before the transition and I accomplished it. I enjoy my body and I am comfortable with it but the desire to alter my body with clothing is pretty well gone. Yes, I like to look my best if I am going out some place special but it's not the excitement I once felt. I think what might help you is remembering what your life was like before starting the transition and seeing how much better your life is today. The goal is to live a normal life and without dysphoria, our life can become pretty normal.

We issue to all new members the following links so you will best be able to use the web site.

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by
  
• Standard Terms and Definitions
  
• Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
  
• Reputation rules
  
• News posting & quoting guidelines
  
• Photo, avatars, and signature images policy
  

Hello,

I suffer from long term depression and am on a SSRI medication. It helps move the baseline up so when there are lows you have more resilience to get out of the low.

I am in the process of divorce The decree will come very soon. I apologized throughout our marriage about my lack of sexual desire. Since about 2 years ago I was told she no longer was interested with me. I want to be with a guy again, one that will love me for being me.

I have been followed in the gayborhood, which was annoying that became frightening when I could not shake the guy and he started to get aggressive. I have been yelled at to perform sexual acts from a guy that came into my personal space. I was blocked from walking by a guy, he was big.

I told my therapist that I really wanted to meet a guy and that I was thinking of going back to the gay bars. She knows I am an alcoholic and advised against it. She listed many different groups and what they were about. Some of them were interesting and some embarrassing. One was Queer Farias, they take walks in the woods nude and have a lot of sex. Walks in the woods is good but the naked and sex part was not what I was looking for. I want a relationship. Anyhow there were a lot of different groups listed. I just need to step up and try.

Being trans is hard and I understand where you are coming from. However, don't lose sight of why you transitioned and why you became the woman you are now. I know we need validation and acceptance. But it has to start with us and that's the most challenging part. I suggest that you surround yourself with people that will only bring you up. Only when you are in love with yourself that true love can show up.

Cheer up, life is what you make it to be. Stay blessed.

I'm not as far into transition, and don't have a whole lot of advice to offer but, I just want to say I can relate to your feelings of disappointment and depression, the chronic fatigue, injuries and stress that came from years of trying so hard to be the boy I thought I should be... of enjoying the changes of transition but still feeling like I'm not really enjoying life or living anywhere close to the fullest. I just wanted to say you're not alone and offer my solidarity.

Sometimes listening to music with nice headphones, getting exercise, a good book, or a funny TV show can keep the blues at bay for a while. I wish I had more to say, I feel like I am a sad and tired, empty person as well.. but I'm not totally empty or dead yet.. just hurt..

Quote from: Anothergirlsparadise on October 16, 2016, 10:04:22 AM
Dear woman who also happen to be transwoman and who love men,

Do some of you experience this? And if so: Would you like to share with me what has helped you? I cant seem to shake of my dissapointment with life and the depression. I do know there are a lot of people on earth that suffer more then I do in life. Still their courage and determination have not inspired me so much as to keep on trying and hoping for something that I now believe will never be. Even though I am still "it" every day of my life. I am not a pretty/ attractive girl...not ugly just plain bordering on ugly)

Hope someone can relate and shed some light. ( not having srs is not my main problem, its being trans and especially the way others react to this fact)

Love
Anothergirlsparadise

You are not alone. Not by a long shot. Trans kids get "Gas Lighted," and if you are not familiar with that specific term, you can google it. In the film, Paris is Burning, I believe, one of the people in the documentary speaks of "massive behavior modification" when it comes to the black community. Black and trans has got to be a double-whammy. I am not black, so I can only imagine, but what I don't have to imagine is all that ->-bleeped-<- trans kids put up with. It can lead to depression. It can lead to STSD.

We're beaten psychologically, and sometimes physically, like dogs. We are given "aversion therapy" by society over a period of years. We try to cope. The pain is great. Some drown themselves in alcohol, or get lost in drugs, or mindless sex--sometimes some combination or all. Many seek out the BDSM community not in a healthy way, but one that is destructive so that we get the punishment we know we "deserve." We dull ourselves to ourselves just so we don't have to feel that deep ache another day. Not another moment.

But there is hope.

In Matthew (KJV) we read, "Neither do men light a candle, and put it under a bushel . . ." The way out, in my view, is to go through. Speaking only for myself, once my body was in alignment, my spirit came into alignment. I am not some holy roller (at least I think I'm not) who suggest that belief in a higher power will deliver us, but at the same time denying our immortal souls is toxic and caustic and leads to every kind of pain.

I have no answers. I can only say the way out was forward and through--the hero's journey.

Quote from: Virginia Hall on October 17, 2016, 12:40:54 PM
You are not alone. Not by a long shot. Trans kids get "Gas Lighted," and if you are not familiar with that specific term, you can google it. In the film, Paris is Burning, I believe, one of the people in the documentary speaks of "massive behavior modification" when it comes to the black community. Black and trans has got to be a double-whammy. I am not black, so I can only imagine, but what I don't have to imagine is all that ->-bleeped-<- trans kids put up with. It can lead to depression. It can lead to STSD.

We're beaten psychologically, and sometimes physically, like dogs. We are given "aversion therapy" by society over a period of years. We try to cope. The pain is great. Some drown themselves in alcohol, or get lost in drugs, or mindless sex--sometimes some combination or all. Many seek out the BDSM community not in a healthy way, but one that is destructive so that we get the punishment we know we "deserve." We dull ourselves to ourselves just so we don't have to feel that deep ache another day. Not another moment.

But there is hope.

In Matthew (KJV) we read, "Neither do men light a candle, and put it under a bushel . . ." The way out, in my view, is to go through. Speaking only for myself, once my body was in alignment, my spirit came into alignment. I am not some holy roller (at least I think I'm not) who suggest that belief in a higher power will deliver us, but at the same time denying our immortal souls is toxic and caustic and leads to every kind of pain.

I have no answers. I can only say the way out was forward and through--the hero's journey.

Hi!

Thank you for your reply. What you are describing in your post is almost exactly what I experienced and had led me to the place I am in now.

When I transitioned I felt a lot of hope. Hope for that hero's journey, following the souls purpose to fullfillment...yet 6 years on I feel I have lost contact with my femininity. Especially due to the isolation I still experience as a transwoman despite the fact that I am myself and try to live an honest life as best as I can. Still the lack of validation has started to eat on my selfesteem. I have slowly started building a wall again when I tore it down years ago when I started transition. My enthousiasm has changed into some sorth of cynical bitterness and anger/resentment.

It feels like, no matter what I do. It will never be enough. I used to fight for a future but I lost my faith in the future. I think my pride helps me now to fight not to win, but to fight for the sake of fighting.

I tried giving up and surrendering to my fate but thats not helping.

If only I could remain in contact with my soul.
I am trying to accomplish this though spiritual work once I get passed the rejection and denial found there in religion and all the other stuff that triggers trauma.

I dont like the feeling of lacking life energy, desire and libido. I dont feel alive.

Love
Anothergirlsparadise

Quote from: AoifeJ on October 17, 2016, 12:03:19 PM
. I just wanted to say you're not alone and offer my solidarity.

Thank you.

I know there can be many reasons for these feelings - frustration at being stuck as "trans" can be one of them - either for oneself, feeling that the dysphoria is not goin away as some things did not change (yet) of because other people do not see it and keep misgendering or calling one a TG.

One reason I always would look at though is hormones - a bad hormone therapy can make life miserable. I suffered from depression a lot before but also after transitioning and after some years I changed HRT and it helped. I am not all happy and funny now, but I am ok, sometimes feeling low and down, but sometimes I feel happy to be a woman again. I think one damaging part of HRT is the antiandrogens. They lower T too much and some T is needed. All women have some T, sometimes more T than E, actually. The other damaging thing is to use oral estrogen monotherapy instead of using transdermal or injectable hormones that combine E and P.
I am not saying this is a magic pill or something, but just you may consider thinking about optimizing our hormones.

Quote from: anjaq on October 17, 2016, 02:29:39 PM
I know there can be many reasons for these feelings - frustration at being stuck as "trans" can be one of them - either for oneself, feeling that the dysphoria is not goin away as some things did not change (yet) of because other people do not see it and keep misgendering or calling one a TG.

One reason I always would look at though is hormones - a bad hormone therapy can make life miserable. I suffered from depression a lot before but also after transitioning and after some years I changed HRT and it helped. I am not all happy and funny now, but I am ok, sometimes feeling low and down, but sometimes I feel happy to be a woman again. I think one damaging part of HRT is the antiandrogens. They lower T too much and some T is needed. All women have some T, sometimes more T than E, actually. The other damaging thing is to use oral estrogen monotherapy instead of using transdermal or injectable hormones that combine E and P.
I am not saying this is a magic pill or something, but just you may consider thinking about optimizing our hormones.

Hi Ankaq!

You are absolutely right! Ive done everything I could think off and am using the lowest amount of blocker. My estrogens and testosterone are in optimal range. I also tried progesterone but disliked it.

So there is nothing to be gained I think from the hormone department. I do need a big loan from the girl zone.

Ok - it was just a thought. Many endocrinologists aim at very low serum levels of T and decirbe it as optimal if it is very low, but young women have actually quite a bit of T - usually close to the upper limit of the range the lab prints on the results. Progesterone helped me a lot with my mood - but it took a few months to really be effective in that part and I had to take it sublingually because if I would swallow it, I would get tired. Also only micronized real progesterone is having that effect, not the derivatives like medroxyprogesterone and all those other "progestins"

Quote from: anjaq on October 17, 2016, 03:26:37 PM
Ok - it was just a thought. Many endocrinologists aim at very low serum levels of T and decirbe it as optimal if it is very low, but young women have actually quite a bit of T - usually close to the upper limit of the range the lab prints on the results. Progesterone helped me a lot with my mood - but it took a few months to really be effective in that part and I had to take it sublingually because if I would swallow it, I would get tired. Also only micronized real progesterone is having that effect, not the derivatives like medroxyprogesterone and all those other "progestins"

Hi!

Yes I know ! I tried micronized progesterone as well. And I use hormone patches instead of pills. Because I have been feeling miserable for such a long time I tried a lot of different things.

Quote from: Anothergirlsparadise on October 17, 2016, 02:12:12 PM
It feels like, no matter what I do. It will never be enough.

Sorry for sticking my nose in, but I have a couple of questions, if that's okay?

What would you consider "enough", sweetie? What, in your own mind, would make you happier, do you think?

Quote from: Sephirah on October 17, 2016, 03:53:57 PM
Sorry for sticking my nose in, but I have a couple of questions, if that's okay?

What would you consider "enough", sweetie? What, in your own mind, would make you happier, do you think?

To be able to be a woman and live the life of a woman because I am one.
Now I feel like a sorth of hermaphoditos archetype, someone that gets strongly associated with trans-porn, in short someone that is everything except a woman(no offence!).
I dont need the world to validate me...or a stranger in the street...just one or a few others where I feel safe enough to truely be myself without feeling like a clown or a tragedy, a ladyboy or a sex object for use. I want to be able to be feminine and a woman when with others and get that basic respect (friends and partners feeling proud instead of afraid and ashamed of me being trans) and not be just someone's projection of what they would like me to be.

In short I want to love myself and find myself through deep soul connection with others.

There is this really important video...of eartha kitt. Explaining this..

She says: I want to fall in love with myself through the connection with the other. To find oneself in the other.

Quote from: Anothergirlsparadise on October 17, 2016, 04:11:15 PM
To be able to be a woman and live the life of a woman because I am one.
Now I feel like a sorth of hermaphoditos archetype, someone that gets strongly associated with trans-porn, in short someone that is everything except a woman(no offence!).
I dont need the world to validate me...or a stranger in the street...just one or a few others where I feel safe enough to truely be myself without feeling like a clown or a tragedy, a ladyboy or a sex object for use. I want to be able to be feminine and a woman when with others and get that basic respect (friends and partners feeling proud instead of afraid and ashamed of me being trans) and not be just someone's projection of what they would like me to be.

Do you have that in your life at the moment? People you trust and feel comfortable with who don't see you how you feel they should do? How do they treat you, sweetie?

I edited my post.

I have had a boyfriend for a few years but never met friends and family and online dating attracts ->-bleeped-<-s that want things from me I dont have and cant give. Woman a lot of the times are very concerned with their own insecurities about womanhood and project a lot of their own frustration with life and men on me which makes female bonding really difficult as well which contributes to this feeling of isolation.

I am hypersensitive to moods and reactions of other people which is not helping. I sense when I am accepted or misunderstood in a heartbeat. Its like a 6th sense. One I aquired when I had to survive socially as a kid. Always tryinh to read what others are feeling and thinking (reading between the lines) and getting way to good at it.

What would it need for you to not be regarded as a hermaphrodite - or even more important, what would be required in order for yourself to not see you like that?

Do you desire to be accepted as a woman in all aspects even thoough you tell the people that you are a trans woman? This would then totally depend on the others' ability to really not be influenced by stereotypes. Or can you experience this by not telling people - or do you not have a choice at this time than to tell, because some things are keeping you physically from being regarded as a normal woman?

I disagree with that quite vehemently, sweetie. I'm sorry. I don't think that loving yourself and finding yourself through a connection with others is an entirely healthy way to live your life. I think that one comes first, and then the other. You cannot, in my opinion, focus on other people until you have found yourself. And relying on them to find that for you is folly. Because you're looking at yourself through their lens, you know? Through their bias.

I kind of get what Eartha Kitt was saying in that video, but I would venture that it's placing an awful lot of trust and reliance in other people to tell you who you are, you know? Which, to my mind, is something you've spent your whole life fighting against.

If I could give you my honest opinion, sweetie, I don't think you give yourself enough credit. I don't think you place enough stock in yourself as a person and as a woman. You let other people's opinions of themselves and you impact the way you live your life. I think you owe it to yourself to take power back into your own hands, and not give it to those around you. To say to yourself "This is who I am, and this is what I want. I deserve it. And I'm damn well gonna get it!"

Don't let other people define your boundaries for you. You have to define them for yourself, and then communicate that to others. You have as much right to define your life as anyone else. And you CAN do it. It's just a matter of self-belief. Which is incredibly easy to say, I know. But you have standards, and goals, and desires in life. You don't NEED anyone else to tell you what they are or to make them happen. You have the capacity to do it.

Sweetie, life only beats you down while ever you believe you deserve it. While ever you believe it's your fault. That it's something wrong with you.

It isn't.

The first step is believing that.

I know what you mean. It is why I avoided the dating market altogether. To this day I get people who are drawn just to my picture on Facebook or Skype like moth is to a flame. Eventually I did find someone who saw me for me and has allowed me to be me and I wasn't even trying to find anyone. Like you I sense and feel in regards to so many things including people. My ex boyfriend was so concerned about his insecurities that I never met his family or friends. He was ashamed of me and in the end had difficultly understanding my being intersex. Having a boyfriend, fiancé, husband, you fill the blank doesn't make someone a woman. Just being you is all it takes and nothing else to be a woman. Something beyond that has made you doubt and lose site and even your enjoyment in being a woman somewhere along the line. Sephirah is right and the fact remains that you have to believe in who you are and so many things will try and take that away from us. My fiancé allows me to be me and excepts me for who I am including all my short comings. I hope you find happiness and joy in those things that no longer bring you that anymore. Hugs
Mariah

Quote from: Anothergirlsparadise on October 17, 2016, 04:32:54 PM
I edited my post.

I have had a boyfriend for a few years but never met friends and family and online dating attracts ->-bleeped-<-s that want things from me I dont have and cant give. Woman a lot of the times are very concerned with their own insecurities about womanhood and project a lot of their own frustration with life and men on me which makes female bonding really difficult as well which contributes to this feeling of isolation.

I am hypersensitive to moods and reactions of other people which is not helping. I sense when I am accepted or misunderstood in a heartbeat. Its like a 6th sense. One I aquired when I had to survive socially as a kid. Always tryinh to read what others are feeling and thinking (reading between the lines) and getting way to good at it.

Quote from: Sephirah on October 17, 2016, 04:47:32 PM
I disagree with that quite vehemently, sweetie. I'm sorry. I don't think that loving yourself and finding yourself through a connection with others is an entirely healthy way to live your life. I think that one comes first, and then the other. You cannot, in my opinion, focus on other people until you have found yourself. And relying on them to find that for you is folly. Because you're looking at yourself through their lens, you know? Through their bias.

I kind of get what Eartha Kitt was saying in that video, but I would venture that it's placing an awful lot of trust and reliance in other people to tell you who you are, you know? Which, to my mind, is something you've spent your whole life fighting against.

If I could give you my honest opinion, sweetie, I don't think you give yourself enough credit. I don't think you place enough stock in yourself as a person and as a woman. You let other people's opinions of themselves and you impact the way you live your life. I think you owe it to yourself to take power back into your own hands, and not give it to those around you. To say to yourself "This is who I am, and this is what I want. I deserve it. And I'm damn well gonna get it!"

Don't let other people define your boundaries for you. You have to define them for yourself, and then communicate that to others. You have as much right to define your life as anyone else. And you CAN do it. It's just a matter of self-belief. Which is incredibly easy to say, I know. But you have standards, and goals, and desires in life. You don't NEED anyone else to tell you what they are or to make them happen. You have the capacity to do it.

Sweetie, life only beats you down while ever you believe you deserve it. While ever you believe it's your fault. That it's something wrong with you.

It isn't.

The first step is believing that.

I appreciate that you are trying to help and your words feel warm and sincere. However, I have the feeling that you assume that Im doing it wrong or going about it the wrong way.

I do not let others define me (how could I have transitioned ?), I did find myself, know exactly how and who I am, have accepted that I am a woman and trans.

I am just very dissapointed with how many people view and treat transwoman.

I set my own bounderies. I have learned not to compromise but it hasnt resulted in a fullfilling life as a woman. Im still alone. Sorth of feeling isolated, in part just like I felt when I lived as a boy.

I care not that I pass or am stealth. I care for deep relationships and friendships as a woman and this is pretty hard without compromising what I know and feel I am.

Thats why I said...no matter what I do...it never seems good enough for me to attract fullfilling friendships and relationships apart from transfriends.

I dont enjoy being a woman as an isolated individual experience. Have done so all my life and it is not enough for me...its too 1 dimensional. The reason I transitioned is not to become, i was a woman already. It was to become a woman for others.

I care not for the mirror. I care to be myself socially physically and romantically.

But it feels Im stuck as trans and cant get passed it.
Not because of the way I think of myself...but because of the way others think about transwoman.

The kind of men that would match with me never would give me a chance.

And it takes a courageous woman to acknowledge my existence (most of the time something only possible for woman who are entirely happy and content with their own love and sexlife).