Quote from: Paige on October 14, 2016, 10:30:24 PM
The only thing I'm sure about is that I'm really tired of all this and ....

After my 50 some of years of fighting the Trans Beast I have NO DOUBT which takes more energy. Fighting the 'concept' that you just may be trans? Or, Fighting that you really really are trans and there isn't an F'n thing in all the world you can then accept it?

Fighting that I am was easy peasy compared to actually doing something about it... For Real. The "For Real" part is what totally sucks. Besides throwing your whole world view a kilter after 50-60 years life, also the "World View" of all those you love and know; You also have to change how you think about yourself.

Well, I spent a good 50 years NOT thinking about myself, except of course in negative terms which gives you all the more reason not to think about yourself. Changing that is like trying to get the Titanic to go hard to port to avoid an iceberg.

Energy expended? Well, Being in denial, Avoidance, or otherwise just not thinking about, much less doing anything about being trans is easy. In the past 7 years I matured a good 40 years. I figured I stopped emotionally developing about 7. Today, Even factoring in all the therapist appointments, the crying, the heartache, the "lack of a future both my wife and I have.... Far less energy is expended on a daily basis.

Only on the deep dark Dysphoria Days do I wonder... "Is ignorance bliss?" Would I be better off if.....?

The answer is always quick & easy to come, I found Joy. I found other emotions too. Hey! I am finding out what is to be a real person.

Before I started transitioning, I doubted for exactly one sleepless night. After that, the thought of stopping transitioning didn't even cross my mind.

While technically not desiring to transition, I have been on HRT for more than 6 months.  At just after the 3rd month, I wanted to revisit testosterone and used some gel for almost a week.  The dysphoria began coming back so I quickly began my E regimen again.  Within a couple of days I felt so much better and realized that my body functioned much better on estrogen than testosterone.

All was good until the 6th month when I began to feel a bit run down (probably needed to up my E) and feel fairly convinced that I was not really trans and gave myself an injection of T.  All was fine for the first two weeks.  I felt good being in guy mode again and not problem with dysphoria.  I was cured!  When the effects of that first T injection began to wear off I gave myself another injection, a smaller one this time.  In just a few days the dysphoria came blasting it way back in to my life and now I can't wait until the T finally wears off and I can refill my body with estrogen.  I think it will be longer next time before I try T again. 

JoAnne B  Thanks for putting my thoughts into words. The one thing we have going for us is we are not alone in our experiences nor in our pain.  I've waited so long to act, stopping now would be out of the question.  Besides because of age I am only able to transition chemically.

I think about it quite often but mainly because I miss my wife so much. Sometimes I look back at photos of us and just wish I could've ignored my trans feelings, or hidden them deeper. We were so happy together.

Quote from: stephaniec on October 15, 2016, 10:56:11 AM
dear Miss downer, I'd try not to worry, It took me 65 years to confront this. Your in between a rock and a hard place. You jump off a bridge because you've wasted so much time getting here or you jump off a bridge because you never get there. Talk about a cruel twist of fate.

Most definitely Stephanie.  I feel like I'm standing on a sinking ship surrounded by sharks,  if I go back to where I came it's bad if I go forward it's bad.  And if I continue to stand on the ship I'll be in trouble soon.  I can't find a solution and I'm sinking. 

Quote from: JoanneB on October 18, 2016, 11:55:09 PM
The answer is always quick & easy to come, I found Joy. I found other emotions too. Hey! I am finding out what is to be a real person.

Hi Joanne,  unfortunately I haven't found joy.  I've just found gnawing indecision.

Take care,
Paige

I have just been through a horrible time with my family where my beliefs about them were severely tested. Long story short that whilst this was going on I began to second guess my decision to transition...it didn't last long because I can not deny that despite the loss I have experience so far Transition has made me way happier. I know I am doing the right thing...When I was at my worst I asked my wife if she thought I was doing the right thing and she said..."of course you are...you cannot go back...that would destroy you"

So as much as I may have thought about it...it is not even a practical resolution. This still doesn't stop me fleetingly thinking about "stopping" when things get tough. Maybe its my brain running through the possible out comes of any given situation...don't know for sure.

I voted "other" rather than never, because whilst its my brains go to place when things get tough it is never a real consideration...kind of like a knee jerk reaction

Liz

too often to count -

I think if you never completely transition, you can always go back. Maybe I'm wrong.

However, once you do complete, it becomes a lot more difficult to go back. Then, when you take the BIG step and finally go for GRS or SRS or whatever you want to call it, then it's impossible to go back. It becomes a really bad idea to not transition. It's impossible to pretend you did not go thru GRS.

That's what I did, and it hurts, and I think about it every day soooo much... I only know how to handle it day by day.   

At this point, the solution to re-transition back to my full self has a high probability factor of 'NOT'. Looks like I'm stuck here for life. Misery is my constant dark companion, and tho I can put lipstick on it, it will always come off.

I thought I knew myself so well. But it took more loyalty and love to someone other than me than I thought was possible for me to give in order for me turn my back on who I am, so I will likely not fully transition again. At least not outwardly. And still, under my clothes is who I am, and the love of my life is starting to understand, but I only show my outer garments to the world at large. Sadly, my image is now guy mode. So lonely...

Yeeeks, I'm rambling. TTFN
Tanya

Every so often, mostly because I am trying to pacify my wife and grownup children. If it were a non issue with them I would never think about it.

Quote from: Stacitg1 on October 31, 2016, 02:09:04 PM
Every so often, mostly because I am trying to pacify my wife and grownup children. If it were a non issue with them I would never think about it.

Hi Stacitg1 it is a pity that your wife and you adult children get to have there lives in peace whilst you do not....

Liz

I haven't started yet, but I plan on coming out very very soon. Like in a week. Like once a month I get this terrible feeling where I don't want to start because of all the things I might lose and will lose in my life. Today is one of those days. I have an amazing girlfriend that I want to marry and would love to start a family with but we are going to break up because I am trans and it makes me not want to transition and makes me very sad. I also have a good life and I'm scared it might get worse if I transition. Idk though. Most days I want to transition and want to finally be the girl I have always been.

Quote from: Tanya62 on October 20, 2016, 11:12:24 PM

I thought I knew myself so well. But it took more loyalty and love to someone other than me than I thought was possible for me to give in order for me turn my back on who I am, so I will likely not fully transition again. At least not outwardly. And still, under my clothes is who I am, and the love of my life is starting to understand, but I only show my outer garments to the world at large. Sadly, my image is now guy mode. So lonely...

Hi Tanya,

I haven't heard many stories of regret like this recently.

Are you comfortable talking about it?  Do you mind if I ask some questions?  What happened?  How did you come to regret your decision?

Thinking about you - I hope you find happiness...!

Claire

Quote from: Tanya62 on October 20, 2016, 11:12:24 PM
too often to count -

I think if you never completely transition, you can always go back. Maybe I'm wrong.

However, once you do complete, it becomes a lot more difficult to go back. Then, when you take the BIG step and finally go for GRS or SRS or whatever you want to call it, then it's impossible to go back. It becomes a really bad idea to not transition. It's impossible to pretend you did not go thru GRS.

That's what I did, and it hurts, and I think about it every day soooo much... I only know how to handle it day by day.   

At this point, the solution to re-transition back to my full self has a high probability factor of 'NOT'. Looks like I'm stuck here for life. Misery is my constant dark companion, and tho I can put lipstick on it, it will always come off.

I thought I knew myself so well. But it took more loyalty and love to someone other than me than I thought was possible for me to give in order for me turn my back on who I am, so I will likely not fully transition again. At least not outwardly. And still, under my clothes is who I am, and the love of my life is starting to understand, but I only show my outer garments to the world at large. Sadly, my image is now guy mode. So lonely...

Yeeeks, I'm rambling. TTFN
Tanya

Hi Tanya it sounds to me like you have had a horrible time of it. I hope what ever is causing this to happen to you stops...to start and stop again must be very traumatic Psychologically....I really feel for you as I see you are hurting badly...if it helps to talk or vent IU am only too happy to talk privately if it would help you. Don't know that I can offer you much other than a friendly shoulder to cry on

Hugs

Liz

Quote from: ElizabethK on November 01, 2016, 01:32:53 AM
Hi Stacitg1 it is a pity that your wife and you adult children get to have there lives in peace whilst you do not....

Liz

Thanks, Liz! I keep telling myself that I deserve to be happy too but then I feel so sad to see how hurt my family will be. I think the being on HRT is going to eventually push me over the edge to making the decision to go full time. I feel so much better since being on it the last 3 months.

Staci

Occasionally I don't feel like it's worth the trouble, especially since I'm a bit of a tomboy, but then euphoria hits, and I'm reinvigorated for it...

Quote from: PrincessCrystal on November 02, 2016, 08:53:22 AM
Occasionally I don't feel like it's worth the trouble, especially since I'm a bit of a tomboy, but then euphoria hits, and I'm reinvigorated for it...

Yes that pretty well describes my experience too.  Just when I'm about to write the whole thing off something triggers me to believe it just might be possible.