Sorry we were not here for you last week Holly, I've been busy on vacation so haven't checked in here for a while until I saw your FB post.  Hang in there until things get better and the GnRH starts its good work rather than bad, on the plus side its doing something, they didn't give you the placebo.

Really not looking forward to the first few weeks of GnRH and the strongest AA I have is Finasteride.

BTW its not misgendering when they think your a woman!   Sounds like we are at about the same stage,  I started the week on cloud nine,  Picking up the rental car they asked us if dead-name was there to pick up the car and fell over themselves with apologies when i identified myself,  the same when we exited at the gate and the lady even asked me if I preferred female pronouns and then used miss from that point.  Had the same checking into a few hotels and felt myself relaxing into Lisa for a bit and just getting on with life and vacation rather than being on guard for being read.  Sadly as a week of intense driving passed and I got tired my confidence was knocked by a few looks and some bad service,  culminating in overhearing someone comment "where's Caitlyn" as I was walking around Boston and with my feet in tatters I ended up detransitioning to tackle the TSA and Flying to Florida, so that will have to be a milestone for another day.   On the flip side I was alert for those strange looks and misgenderings whist presenting sort of boy mode.  Well I'm pretty sure we got a couple of ladies and the cabin crew who was addressing everyone Sir or Ma'am had a "oh ->-bleeped-<-" look on their face when they got to me and just avoided using anything gendered.

Well a bit more rested and a day on the beach looking like <---- and some confidence is back.

Hi Lisa,

I know the term positive misgendering is not right but I didn't know any other way of describing it. I was in boy mode and dressed plainly, so I didn't think I was trying to present anything but male. Whatever you call it, I like it and want more of it! At work we're deciding on where we are going to have our Christmas party and at the moment we're looking at the NEC with their tribal themed night. But, there's a dress code; smart clothes only, no jeans, T-shirts or trainers. I told my work colleague organising the night that this would be a problem as I no longer have any trousers or shirts that fit. "Why don't you come dressed up?" he said, meaning full female mode. I do now have more female clothes than male clothes and I could put together an outfit with heels. I never expected to be at this stage by now, so December 7th? Maybe, just maybe.

I'm glad that you're enjoying your holiday but it does show how some people haven't progressed beyond the caveman mentality and I can really feel for you when you heard that spiteful comment. People don't understand that when they say something hurtful about our gender it has a far deeper impact than calling someone an idiot.

I got a call from Dr Timmings this morning at 9:40 and we discussed my situation. He looked at my blood work, said that my T was far too high and confirmed that the 20x increase was definitely responsible for me going out of my head as I had high levels of both sex hormones. He also said that it was possible that the injection may have spiked my T on top of the 20x T increase and agreed that I had taken the right course of action by going back on my 'own' medication. With everything that's been going on I lost track of when my second injection was due (turns out that it is next Thursday), so with it so close, Dr Timings wants me to stop my spiro and Fin by then, have my injection and send him the results of my next blood test, just before my third injection. He went onto say that my T level with the injection should be around 0.3 and certainly no higher than 1.5. and said that if I feel that I was having problems again and felt that I needed to continue on Spiro & Fin then he would support the decision and order my GP to give it to me if he won't prescribe it willingly.

Saturday I start my electrolysis and I'll let you know what happens.

My first electrolysis went OK on Saturday and was a lot less painful than my IPL. It felt like a pin-prick each time a hair got zapped and for a while it was fine, but after 30 minutes the area of my face that was being worked on got quite sensitive. I asked Penny to carry on the other side of my face for the rest of the session. Afterwards the areas she had worked on were a little red and still sensitive but felt very smooth. Unlike IPL, where it hurt a lot more while I was having it but nothing afterwards, electrolysis was the opposite and the redness and sensitivity has gone on for several days. The treatment areas also puffed-up a little but this is now going. So now I'm 1/8th completed and ready  for my next session on 1st November.

My Facebook friends may also have seen my post last week about my theatre staff ID card, where I am now Holly Fox.
As soon as I can sort out some free picture hosting I'll start going through my previous posts and add pictures.

Holly x

Hello!

I thought I'd post as I had my 2nd GIC appointment on Wednesday and got nothing but good news!

I met with Dr Timmins and the appt lasted about 2 hours. We talked at length about various things such as my self medication (he was curious to find out where I was buying my spiro) and my mental health history and general history of trans-ness. I also received a full physical (never had one before) and was declared to be fit and healthy :-)

I was surprised at this but he has given me my letter for NHS HRT and less surprisingly my Laser/electro letter. He is also going to put a letter in the post so that I can get the gender changed on my passport.

He is a very lovely doctor and really made me feel at ease. I have just gone full time and am so happy to have my official script for HRT, and I've been treating myself by getting lots of new clothes for work along with my ears and navel pierced!

One thing which may interest you is that HRT is no longer something which they have to wait to prescribe, it seems like Daventry operate a more sensible procedure of doing it when they feel it is right.

My favourite part of the appointment was when I walked into the consultation room and Dr Timmins said "well somebody has been on the estrogen haven't they?" Made my day that did.

After my appointment I went to see FacialTeam for a consultation in London which was great too. It's free and I highly recommend it for anybody thinking about FFS!

Emily x




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Hey Holly, hope your feeling a bit better by now, and Emily, great news on the second appointment and your handbag full of paperwork.

Not sure if i'm full time or not yet, but congrats to you.  I was full time on vacation with the exception of my flights.  I had to really wrestle with myself if I was going to try flying home or not.  I really wanted to but realistically I have another round of facial hair growth coming in, not as bad as it used to be a long way but still there.  So whilst I thought I could handle check in, TSA etc, I was less certain how i would look arriving in heathrow and having to wrestle the suitcases onto the bus to pick up the car 20 hours later.   So pragmatically I took the nail varnish off and didn't put on the make-up or worry about my voice.  In hindsight it was the right decision as by the time we got home we had negotiated with HERTZ who were over charging us, spent 40 mins sorting out the mess the self service check in kisok made to our bag tags.  Had a 1h40 flight delay sat on the aircraft.  10 minute connection sprint only to see our international flight push back three gates away and subsequent resolve how to get home,  possible lost bags due to the rebooking as the airline couldn't find them until 10 mins before we boarded, and the bit I had been worrying about had I done girl mode,  Got on the carpark bus at LHR, we were the only ones!

But the best bit was the TSA in Florida.   Well I say I de-transitioned for flying, what I wore was my skinny jeans woman's plaid shirt (and those boobies are starting to show!), pink trimmed trainers and hair down.
So I get to the TSA screening and she called me into the nudeo scanner and seemed a little less sure what she was doing than they usually do.  Asked me if I had anything in my pockets, then told me to put my hands up as they do.  Then more uncertainty as she asked again if I was sure there was nothing in my pockets, nope I said as I tried to steal a glance to see if she pushed the pink or blue button.  Scan done and she calls her male college over still flustered, seeming way less confident and self assured than TSA agents usually are.   I figured I was getting a pat down from the male agent.  But no I was called forward and taken to the pat down area where she checked my arm/wrist area.   Then the cracker, your free to go sir (doh) ma'am (yeah/WTF), so I don't know, is it important which order they fumble it out in?

We then spent 20 mins sitting in a restaurant just past security and I could see the same TSA handling the other passengers and back to the usual self assured TSA attitude!  I wonder now if the whole thing about the pockets was trying to figure out if the contents of my skinny jeans were my car keys/cell phone or the dreaded TSA "alarm" as they like to refer to our version of lady bits.

Anyway probably boring you by now, but full time or not is the question, well a big blocker for me had been my father who hadn't really spent any time with me as Lisa, well he came with us on vacation and was thrown in at the deep end. He did really well, is struggling with my name and pronouns as he uses my name way more than he thinks he does and is realising that now.  But he is really trying and he cares when he gets it wrong, so all good.  But getting him to this point breaks down a major barrier to full time.   But I am also thinking what is my full time.   I'm not putting on make-up if I don't leave the house, but i still consider that as Lisa, but even if I do go out without make-up, like my flight home, I'm still wearing clothes from the woman's department, and importantly I'm still me, maybe full time is just a shift in viewpoint that I need to make, and now my dad is up to speed that opens up a good chunk of my away from home time that I had been feeling boy mode for.   Maybe I'll just measure it on if I have to remove my nail varnish because its chipped or because I don't want it seen, IDK.

On the medical front,  I had a GP appointment just before I went away as my prescription letter from the GIC came through, So I have had my bit of paper for a while now, but wasn't about to take a prostrap shot just as I headed off on my hols. But I also setup some blood tests ready for when I got back (now) but the GP admin team seem to have missed that part and have been chasing me to make an appointment.  Well I spoke to them on Thursday after missing their call again and they asked if I could come in for my blood test that evening, err well I was going to get my prostrap at the same time I say.  no problem we can do that too, but I haven't filled the prescription, when else can you do it.  not for nearly three weeks was the answer.  Well my GP had already told me they tend to have a few prostrap's in the cupboard which they can use if the patients prescription has been "cashed"   So I spend the afternoon running around to get to the chemist, then we had planned to do the grocery shop and now I have an appointment. Busy..  Well the chemist didn't have prostrap in stock but could get it next day, no good for me but maybe now they will let me use one from the cupboard, so I keep my appointment, no joy, they only had the 3 month injection, so I only got my bloods taken, but as I was speaking directly to the nurse she was able to add me in as an extra appointment next Tuesday. so all being well I'll be on the roller-coaster of T starting next week.   Not sure I'm looking forward to it mind, especially in light of Holly's experience. 

Anyway I just hit preview and wow that's a wall of text, sorry, best add a photo or two from my travels.

One of the many covered bridges in Vermont,  I think I'm ok on the weight limit, but I'll stand on the pavement to be sure.



View into the clouds atop Mt Washington New Hampshire,  well at least it wasn't another record breaking wind speed day, not sure that skirt would stand up to 231 mph winds


A Lake on the Kancamagus Highway NH


some views in NH




Get out of the road you silly tart


Acadia National Park


Photographer becomes the subject (again)

Well done to both Emily & Lisa, I'm glad that it's going so well for you.

I'm very interested in FFS, as quite frankly, I need all the help I can get. I'll see if I can talk to someone about it when I go down on 21st December with my appointment with Dr Khoosal.

Lisa, my problems were caused by being taken off my own medication 2 months before my first injection. I ignored my body clearly telling something was wrong early on. My advice would be to go straight back onto your old medication if you don't feel right. 3 months on and my voice still hasn't recovered and shows no sign of doing so either. Great pictures from your holiday and I am so pleased that your father is trying so hard and wants to be part of your life. I have not seen either of my parents or brother for over 25 years but heard through another family member that my 'father' has now decided that I don't exist, was never even born and forbidden anyone from speaking my name (old or new), oh yes, I have also been removed from all wills as well.

I know the TSA was a big worry for you but it sounds more like they simply don't know how to react. Glad you had no problems.

I've now reached the point where I can't hide my boobs whatever I wear, so I just don't bother now. Black skinny jeans or jeggings, fitted t-shirt with my hair in a ponytail and pinned is where I'm at, whether I'm at work or out in public. I am not blessed with a feminine face and probably never will be but I need push ahead and get my confidence as I believe that the more uncomfortable you feel, the more unnatural you will act and the more likely you are to draw attention. So, boobs presented to the world I spent 4 nights as part of the stage crew and mixed with the public at the my local theatre filled with 250 people all pushing past me, all knowing me as Holly (because it was publicly announced) and no one paid any attention, except for the rather tall trans lady who looked me up and down and pretended not to be watching me while I was milling about.

I'm thinking about getting my ears pierced. Anyone had this done, or is thinking about it?

Holly x

Yeah Holly you got a double whamy from coming off your AA and the T spike.  I'm only on Fin as AA so maybe not so sever and I'll probably continue it while stocks last anyway.   I'm fairly sure i am quite sensitive to hormonal fluctuation at the moment, or possibly lack of sleep, not sure which is coming first.  I had a few swings into being quite tearful and feeling hopeless recently, interestingly I seem to go downhill gradually over a few days to a climax that seems to be just before a patch change, and then back to normal once changed.  So not sure if one bum cheek isn't working quite so well (i alternate where i put the patch) or if i have a few dodgy patches mixed into my stock or its a complete coincidence.

I'm really sorry about your father, you know what they say, you cant pick family, but it must still be hard to hear that on the grapevine.   

I think full time for me wont be a "next Thursday" thing, but rather one day i will look back and think well looks like i have been full time for a month or two without realising it.  Hell it may have already started lol.  Went out to fireworks tonight, very crowded but i felt real comfortable (OK so I had the cover of dark!)  Saw my first trans sister in the supermarket on Thursday too,  Tried not to stare honestly.... Barely even got a look at her, heard her voice mainly and her partner got a good look at me with a bit of a oh ->-bleeped-<- look on her face, but i just carried on to pick up my loaf of bread and moved on with a quiet comment to my partner that I wasn't alone.  Felt a bit bad not saying Hi but then not sure that's the etiquette thing to do (probably get a whack and told their CIS) I was in a rush anyway as i had that nurses appointment to get to.  Maybe I'll compliment her on her shoes or something if I see her again, ask her where she got them as we may have the same shoe size issue or something subtle!

It all defiantly gets easier when you shift from "oh its a big deal, who's looking at me" to just getting on with your day.  I felt myself starting to really make that shift on holiday, its not always the case but if i'm feeling fresh and energized then i have much more of a cant give a * approach and am starting to learn the head held high stare back look when people are paying too much attention.

I've heard a lot of good things about facial team on FB and ->-bleeped-<-,  My original FB friend (from another forum and the one who hasn't posted here so I'm sure you can find her!) went to them with her partner and they both had some work done. They both seem to be helping promote facial team also now.

As for Ear's.  Yeah its been a year now for me.  I got them done this time last year on vacation. I got a DIY kit from walmart and enlisted my partner to do the job.   I wasn't out to anyone but her then so I got clear plastic retainers to use for the flight home and whenever I was out with family/friends. They were a bit traumatic to swap in and out with the gold studs for a while as i was not really following the healing requirements correctly and at the time i couldn't contemplate changing them myself.  When I came out no one had noticed them so i guess they worked!   

My god that all makes me realise how far have I come in those 12 months!

I got my ears done a week ago, I love it!

Dr Timmins told me to keep taking my normal dose of Spiro for the first month of Prostrap, half it for the second month of Prostrap and then stop at the beginning of the 3rd month :-) hopefully that helps!


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I guess I'm gauging the full time thing by my presentation at work. It's a smart office wear environment so there is no in between as far as gender presentation goes. I had to set a date and make the change. As far as the rest of my life has been for the last couple of months, I've been purposefully presenting very female outside of work for a couple of months now. It's been weird but worth it as far as my comfort / confidence goes :-)


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Well the prostrap is in......now my arm aches!   The injection wasn't as bad as I had worked myself up for.  My nurse did point out that the needle may look big, but its not really that big and the one they use for drawing blood is bigger anyway, so that put my mind at ease.  End of the day, yeah not comfortable but not a patch on laser hair removal!  Let the roller coaster begin.   T has already got a head start as its slightly up from my last test, but E is up there where it needs to be.

Yeah corporate environments like to see clear lines, I recall my last corporate work place I had a peek at their trans policy and it was pretty much, you can change but its a one time deal, you go home as him come back as her, explicitly forbid any dress down Friday as dress up Friday.  Not sure how it would have coped with non binary etc. But then it wasn't many years previous they relented and allowed woman to wear trousers.

Well the full time streak continues today, as i said I had my prostrap this afternoon which was going to be a Lisa affair as they now have me down with that name for calling in etc.  Online booking system has me as Mr Lisa though which is a bit of a pain.  What I hadn't realised when I made the appointment is I double booked myself today as I had an errand to run with my dad, so I ended up doing all that as well, we also have a standing dinner arrangement on Tue, so in for a penny in for a pound.  Everting going great until the waitress went to take my order, my partner got a Miss, I got a Sir! FFS the stupid woman just sat us at the table, me in full make-up, cleavage on show, big shiny earrings 4" heal boots and the skirt pictured above. WTF.    Oh well, it was still a good day.

Lisa, I'm glad that your injection was better than you had expected but the neadle point does sting a little for a few hours afterwards. I've had to go back onto my Fin only 2 weeks after my second injection because I was feeling that something wasn't right again. Going to see what happens over the week.

I seem to be quite lucky at work. Although they do have a 'smart' dress code, there is a 'dress-down Firday' and attitudes to what you can wear at other times is quite relaxed. This has really encouraged me to starting changing the way I dress. I now wear smart casual all female clothes with the odd male T-shirt and what I present varies from androgynous (baggy T-shirt with no bumps showing) to female (fitted T-shirt with no mistaking what's there!). With BB cream and my hair in a ponytail and pinned up I'm begining to confuse a few people.

On top of everything else I have now been diagnosed with asthma. I go and pick up my prescription and the assistant behind the counter looks at me, turns to her colleagues and says 'hold on a minute, I have a lady to serve'. Then came the embarrassing part when I had to sign using my old name. So, I've decided to legally become Holly Charlotte Fox on 5th November and all of details at work will change in a week or two.

Being seen as female is still very rare but it got me thinking. If the occasional person is seeing me as female in just jeans and T-shirt and without any makeup, then maybe a little war paint may help so later this week at work I'm going to try a little mascara and tinted lip gloss to see what sort of reaction I get.

Holly x

 

I wondered what all the celebrations and fireworks were about on Saturday. The whole country seemed to be celebrating the birth of Holly.

Congratulations

PS I love your avatars, do you do them yourself?

Hi Lisa,

It truely feels like every a celebration to me and every day just keeps getting better. It's like seeing everything for the first time all over again. I spent my day 'celebration' back at the theatre rehearsing the Madness musical Our House where I get to play with dry ice for a whole week!

My avatar was created here: https://www.bitmoji.com/ and I photoshopped backgrounds and other body parts to get what what I wanted.

Work, my GP and car insurance accepted my Deed Poll without any problem but the bank would not. They said that they do not consider this to be a legal document because it wasn't signed ny a solicitor and will only change my details with a photo ID driving license. They had to call their head office for advice because they had never dealt with a trans woman before. I was hoping to avoid getting a new driving license for a while to give my face more time to change but it seems like I have no choice.

Holly x

That's surprising, my banks (Lloyds and Barclays) were fine about it. The lady in Lloyds was expecting a stamp from a solicitor but I told her to send it off anyway and the bank accepted it.


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I'm putting off photo ID too for a chance of a pic i will be happy with for the next 10 years, I had the same solicitors stamp requirement from three mobile.  The whole sigh up process for them was entirely voluntary and self declared (PAYG), but try and change your name and brick walls all over the place.  They accepted my deed poll in the end with an apology as a special exception! Barclaycard were fine along with electoral register and gas and electric.  Not tackled banks yet, seems the done thing is if you get problems then just try another branch and they will probably be fine (not much use for online only though). I have been sitting on further name changes for a bit though,  waiting for that "everything is in colour" and the world is great feeling.  Glad you are starting to feel it Holly, I'm hoping the prostrap will bring it to me soon. I can feel its changing how i feel but not sure what i make of it yet as T is defiantly on the rise!. I never got it fully suppressed though so there is a lot riding on how i feel when T drops to nothing.

Same here Lisa, I think the lowest my T has ever been was 7.0 which is outside of normal male range but also outside of normal female range! I get my first Prostap injection on Friday and I'm quite excited and nervous about it. I'm a bit scared about my libido being completely destroyed, I don't mind it reduced significantly but I still want something!

I almost went and got my passport photo done yesterday but just wasn't brace enough. Need to get it done before Christmas really.

Weirdly enough the only things I'm having name change problems with are PayPal and Blizzard!


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Glad to hear all this good news from you lovely ladies.

  I am still stalling on my name change as I am still signed off sick ( since June ) and at the moment can't even think much about my life other than trying to get back to work so I can earn some money 

I'm keeping tabs on how you are all getting on with banks, phones etc.

Laura x

Time for a bit of a catch-up.

After legally changing my name, the first visible sign of of my new identity was at my GP's surgery and on 24th November. It was an exciting feeling seeing my name for the first time.


Then onto a conference London on 1st December, where I made the journey as Holly. Everything was OK except when I bought my underground ticket - 'Thank you Sir'. It was the first time that my London Colleagues had seen me since the Pride March in July and they told me that I had changed a lot.

My biggest challenge was going to our Christmas party at the NEC on 7th December, where I wore a skirt for the first time in pulic.


Again, it was all going very well and no one was staring at me. Couldn't have been better until I asked one of the staff where the toilets were - 'They're over there Sir'. Those words didn't have an immediate impact on me but I did start feeling more awkward as the night went on. All of my work colleagues disappearing and leaving me on my own for over 2 hours didn't help either. At the end of the night I left on my own, got home and wished I hadn't out in the first place. Despite what my London colleagues say, my facial features haven't changed.

The experiences of the past 2 weeks have left me very unsettled and the face I see in the mirror looks less like Holly each day. Just glad I've got a week at the theatre to occupy my mind.

Holly x

Holly,

Don't despair, I know exactly how you feel and it will change. It doesn't take much to set off a feeling of uneasiness which grows inside you. For me it can just be looking in a mirror when I'm in the bathroom and feeling like I don't belong there.

These feelings become less and less over time, I probably have one or two bad days in 7 at the moment and although I think my face hasn't changed at all, people tell me otherwise. I've started getting "miss" and "lady" from people with no prompting and i can promise you it feels amazing when you get there. Because we see and study our faces every day, it makes any change imperceptible but it's happening!

Stay strong and try to love yourself. If you manage it without too much self doubt, tell me how you did it!

One thing I've noticed by chatting to women is that every woman has something they don't like about them self and they focus on it. Just like us. We are not alone!

Take care,

Emily


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