Hello.

I'm a 64 year old female-bodied partially transmale androgyne, who dresses androgynously.
I could qualify as bigender, two-spirit, etc. but basically, I'm a gender mix.

I present as a sort of femme male, and design and sew most of my clothes so they are durable and comfortable.

I'm an English college prof, currently teaching ESL in southern Thailand near the beach.
I'm divorced and my ex recently emailed me that he is transitioning to live as a female, without an operation, so I suppose trans-type people are attracted to each other.

Unless I'm at work I don't wear makeup, my hair is shoulder length and wash-and-wear.

Here in southern Thailand my car is a motorbike, and I swim in the ocean or hike the mountains almost every day, so I'm very physically active, more than most cis men I know.

Raell

Welcome to Susans.  Your experience is not dissimilar to many of us in the non binary forum.  I have found that trans-type folk can be attracted to each other.  I think that it is part shared experience and part recognition that it is inner spirit or lived identity of the person, their 'truth' if you lik, which is more important than how they present themselves.

Thailand is a pretty special place and quite unique in SE Asia for its supportive culture.  I am more than a little envious.  Hiking, swimming, lying on the beach and feeling less judged and free to express yourself is a blessing and unfortunately no the norm for many of us who live in other countries.

The gender blend and andro look is one which I am still working at.  Its funny but while I often dress identically to my lesbian therapist she is clearly andro female and I remain andro male.  This is a little annoying but most every client, friend and family member know that I am non binary trans, and have proven to be very supportive and non judgemental.

You seem to have found a great life and I am surprised at just how well my life has turned out.  Dysphoria is a curse until you deal with it, then understand and express yourself.

I live in Sydney so you are almost a neighbour 

Safe travels

Aisla

Thank you for your kind words.

Are you really androgyne, or do you want to transition all the way, but are holding back to retain your wife?

In my case, I dress a tiny bit more femme than I would prefer when teaching ESL at schools..just enough to get by.

Three years ago I considered taking testosterone to stop panic attacks until I started taking derris scandens, a local Thai herb used for back pain. It relieves my dysphoria and even makes dyslexia almost disappear. Furthermore, I feel blended instead of two gender sides at odds with each other.

So, I might have been pushed to transition a bit more but for the herb. I can't even tell you how much of a relief it is not to have to fight myself.

Quote from: Raell on November 09, 2016, 10:13:46 AM

Are you really androgyne, or do you want to transition all the way, but are holding back to retain your wife?

In my case, I dress a tiny bit more femme than I would prefer when teaching ESL at schools..just enough to get by.

... I started taking derris scandens, a local Thai herb used for back pain. It relieves my dysphoria and even makes dyslexia almost disappear. Furthermore, I feel blended instead of two gender sides at odds with each other.

So, I might have been pushed to transition a bit more but for the herb. I can't even tell you how much of a relief it is not to have to fight myself.

Raell

Do I want to transition all the way, will I wish to transition all the way and is my wife holding me back?  These are the questions that I continue to ask myself.  Like you, I found relief from dysphoria, but mine came from hrt rather than from a herb.  An andro presentation and recognition/acceptance from family, friends, colleagues and clients was hugely beneficial.  FFS (with an andro intent), longer hair, permanent hair removal etc have also helped me find an expression which best aligns with my identity.

My therapist has asked me similar questions and I have answered that I am not defined by my gender or by my genitals.  I accept and celebrate that I am trans, and that andro and gender fluid seem to best express how I see my self. I am more comfortable with either 'they' or 'she' rather than 'he' but most everyone knows who I am and how I identify and they accept and support this.  Folk tell me that even though I present (due to size, voice and perhaps socialisation) as andro male they experience and relate to me as andro female.  This reaction has become more common as my time on hrt and hrt dosages have increased.

I did push things further earlier in my journey but felt that I was moving far too fast - I felt fuzzy, overwhelmed and that a full F presentation was inauthentic, more of a performance rather than reflecting who I understood myself to be.

As an andro maab I have found greater flexibility than when I presented as a binary alpha male, I now present in a very similar fashion to andro faab or andro mtf.  The major difference is that I have not  chosen GCS, changed my voice pitch/pattern or sought BA (they have grown back without any real encouragement). 

I have many andro mtf friends who have ended up in a similar place to me.  They say that they found that they needed to transition mtf in order to be comfortable presenting as andro and say that they have found greater choice, flexibility and acceptance.  However in all but one case they are no longer with their original partner.

So to the final question - is my wife holding me back?  She says that she wants what is best for me and that I only have one life but she has also made it clear that if I transition mtf that our relationship is finished.  By nature I dont like boundaries or being caged but in more reasoned moments I continue to choose my relationship and a male andro presentation than choose the loss of relationship and a female andro presentation. 

So far this feels to have been the right choice for me, but things change - my wife will change, I will change, society will change and our relationship will change so I cant say for certain that I will never transition mtf.  I may or I may not.  It is a journey and it is one in which I am increasingly following my heart rather than my head. I am less seduced by 'reason' and am now more comfortable with feelings and emotion.  I will keep you  posted.

Safe travels

Aisla