You know, what I hate most about being stuck in this ... body is crying, or rather the lack thereof. Being coarse and ... heavy and just plain wrong also sucks, but some days it's like things are scratching at your heart to get out, but there's just this huge boulder lodged in the way, and it all just sits there, festering. I'm not so old that I can't remember how much of a release crying could be before Testosterone deadened me.

I am so tired of being this cold, emotionally half-dead hairless monkey.

I was really pinning my hopes on at just getting to talk to somebody through the NHS - I knew the timeline was too short for much more, but just somebody who could listen and give advice and knew what they were talking about. Just somebody to help me wait this out. Private is out of the question unfortunately: London is not a cheap place to be.

The temptation at the moment to just go all the way and start self-medicating with Oestrogen is sooooo strong. I know it might wreck my chances to get into the Pretoria GIC when I go home, I know it will probably wreck my liver and give me cancer 'cause I'm dosing incorrectly ... but the chance to just feel right within myself, well, it's almost worth it.

It's just. Being a guy feels a certain way - you're always on edge in the background, ready to fight or hunt or whatever. That is the worst part of it for me, because it always felt so wrong. Some part of me was always screaming that this wasn't me when I would get aggressive or competitive or just plain angry. I suppose it was only natural that I would be attracted to philosophy and meditation and stuff, and it did help, but it was always such hard work.

When I started taking AA's though, it was just such a release. I didn't have to work at being calm and peaceful and stuff. It just felt better.

But the last while nothing seems to help anymore. The frustration of sitting here just marking time while my other life drains away is just getting to me. It's not that long till I can go home, but seven months seems like an eternity at the moment. Every time I look in the mirror these days I want to break it, and no matter how hard I try, I can't get this stuff to come out.

Please, somebody tell me what to do here, 'cause I'm at a loss.

Simone

Simone:

If there was anyway that I could help, I'd do it in a heartbeat!  But being across the big pond and all I'm not sure how I can other than offer the shoulder to cry on (I never close).

God, hon, I know it's frustrating!  I think everyone here has felt that at one time or another.  But that doesn't really help now does it?

If there are any words of comfort that I can offer, it's just that if you hold on, it will get better.  MUCH BETTER!  The chrysalis that you are in will eventually soften and you will breach the barrier and you will be on the outside everything you are inside. 

You WILL see sunlight and warmth and color and love!

It WILL happen!

You WILL have a full and wonderful life!

The darkness and despair WILL be a thing of the PAST!

You ARE loved!

-Sandy

Hi Simone,

I agree with Sandy, things will get better soon.  And it will be all worth it.  Just hang in there a little bit longer.     

Buttercup 

Quote from: Kassandra on January 24, 2008, 03:57:22 PM
Simone:

If there was anyway that I could help, I'd do it in a heartbeat!  But being across the big pond and all I'm not sure how I can other than offer the shoulder to cry on (I never close).

God, hon, I know it's frustrating!  I think everyone here has felt that at one time or another.  But that doesn't really help now does it?

If there are any words of comfort that I can offer, it's just that if you hold on, it will get better.  MUCH BETTER!  The chrysalis that you are in will eventually soften and you will breach the barrier and you will be on the outside everything you are inside. 

You WILL see sunlight and warmth and color and love!

It WILL happen!

You WILL have a full and wonderful life!

The darkness and despair WILL be a thing of the PAST!

You ARE loved!

-Sandy

And LOVABLE too, I'm sure.
So Simone try to be gentle on yourself. Treat yourself the way you would treat someone else in the same situation.

Light, Love & Respect.

Maebh

Simone,

You are such a wonderful person and have been so supportive since you have been here.

it is a long journey for all of us and frustrating at times having to wait for things. Just hang in there the support from this place will enable you to get through.



Alice

Hang in there!!!  As a guitarist I remember reading in a magazine where Eric Clapton said he would always write such sad songs instead of happy ones because he said it comforted him to know that there are other people out there in the same position, striving to get through hard times.  His music was his way of sharing his problems and sorrow with others in this world so that they would know they are not alone.  You are not alone in your journey either, though it may seem like it at times.  You can make it through this!!!

I've thought about this the entire afternoon, and into the night.  All I can say if find someone who really knows.  This is life and death, not subject to internet postings.  Find a person who is trained in this.

Simone,

Of course you are tired of it.  So are the rest of us or we would not be on this board.  I honestly don't know what the future holds for you or what your timeline may be, but do know that many of us have progressed far beyond where we ever thought we could.  Being patient is not my strong point either, but I think the impatient sometimes get things done.

I agree, finding an outlet for your frustration is a good thing to do.  I write and play music.  Find your own way.

Go ahead and scream.  This is a safe place to do it, as we are all with you.



Kristi

Hey Simone,

I was going to post a rant on this very subject because i've been going through basically the same thing. I totally identified with "...wanting to break the mirror..." comment. All i can say is i'm here for you too.