I'm finally trying to come to terms with myself after 26 years. I finally admitted it to myself a week ago, this past Saturday I came out to my wife. I immediately knew it was time to see a therapist and work through this. I had my first appointment this Wednesday. I kept going back to my fears & anxieties, but mostly I focused on how I didn't want this, how I want to just be happy as I am now and that I wish for any solution that means I'm not transgender. I talked about how I I don't want to put my wife through this, to force a change so huge and out of her control on her. then, my therapist asked, seemingly off the cuff, if I was pissed about this revelation. I thought for a second and agreed, yes, I'm pissed. I'm angry that this burden crushing me and holding my mind captive. We didn't delve into the subject and I didn't think anything of it.

Then, yesterday as I reflected on my first session, I asked myself why the topic of anger came up. Then it hit me. Last week I came out of denial. I'm feeling guilty over what these changes will do to my family, I'm bargaining for any chance for this to just go away, I'm angry at myself for something that is totally out of my control. I'm going through the stages of grief.

Has anyone else who is going through or has already gone through the process experienced this?

Bravo to you for working through this tough stuff.  Yes I experienced something similar and lived with repression and denial for decades.  Even as i approached a therapist for the first time my intention was still to find ways to cope but not come out.  That seemed impossible and felt like I would hurt my family and let everyone down.  Yes, i agree there can be tremendous guilt and a real sense of loss and grief.  I don't want to discourage you but who I was now seems in retrospect a total fiction, charade or some puppet man i lived in.  I am not the same person even if I do acknowledge my entire life history that shaped who I am.  Not everyone needs to or will transition and there are plenty of steps along the way where people reconsider or deal with doubts. 

Therapy helped me to understand that my hiding, guarding and internalized transphobia accentuated my sense of fear, feeling weird and isolation.  Telling the truth means being vulnerable and in my case helped me to see that coming out and transition was the best way forward.  The big regret I share with so many others here is that I didn't do that earlier in life.  I am a much happier, confident and out going person than ever before, it does get better.

Thanks for the kind words & reassurances, Tessa. I'm amazed at how much a single session helped me so far; just talking and verbalizing my thoughts helps me organize what I'm thinking and reapproach my positions. When this revelation hit me I sort of broke down again, I've been an even bigger mess in the last 24 hours since realizing my grief than before. But it's forcing me to reconcile my wants and needs. I sat down and wrote what I wanted, didn't want, and what I needed. As I finished what I wanted (to be happy & comfortable and to accept myself as I am) I stopped and had to ask myself why I needed to qualify my happiness, why did I need to accept myself as I am? Why isn't it enough to just be happy? So, realizing the irrationality in that, I crossed 'as I am' off the list. Then I continued on, and did the other sections, and as I finished writing my needs, I realized that the same things I wanted, had all showed up on the list of what I needed. It's full circle. I'll be making a point of discussing and working through this in my next session, but the only reason that I can think of for me to be grieving a loss is because I already know what I need to do. I already know that this facade I've built up around myself is coming down and all I can do is gaze at the rubble of this 'master piece' that I've spent my life building up. That fake person who I was is already dead.

Quote from: Rambler on December 09, 2016, 09:05:27 AM
Then, yesterday as I reflected on my first session, I asked myself why the topic of anger came up. Then it hit me. Last week I came out of denial. I'm feeling guilty over what these changes will do to my family, I'm bargaining for any chance for this to just go away, I'm angry at myself for something that is totally out of my control. I'm going through the stages of grief.

Has anyone else who is going through or has already gone through the process experienced this?

Rambler

Anger is one of the prices of admission. Nobody gets spared. I tried to put it in the back of my mind for 37 years. Then last spring I thought about my ex. We would be celebrating 40 years together. Why would I allow the love of my life to walk away with another man without a fight? Seems I could not overcome my need to crossdress and she caught me. I then went to counseling because after all 37 years is a long time to forget about it, After two sessions my Therapist was offering me my HRT letter. I have now been on HRT for about 4 months. To say I am happy with my decision is an understatement. Now I'm angry because I didn't do it 37 years ago when I could have had it all. Hormones, GRS, FFS, BAS and I could look as good as some of the younger girls instead of like a granny. But even as a granny with only cursory changes. I'll take it.

You nailed it Rambler and many folks here use the expression of "dead name" to describe their past ID.  My wife too deals with the loss of her husband and is moving forward calling me her wife.  I do love that!  My daughter is an adult in another City and seeing each other only occasionally means she is still working it through while accepting this is the new normal for our family.

Smart of you to take notes or create a journal.  I consider my volumes here to have been therapeutic and a great place to create a sort of blog while learning from others.  Coming out can be scary and many folks can be shocked or suggest they kinda knew I was gay or something was up   I went back and talked to the people from my past who heard me deny myself, to set the record straight.  My secret was killing me and i never want to feel that again.

A huge weight was lifted from my stooped shoulders and I wrote about feeling free to take flight without falling.  No better time than now to make what changes we can.

Quote from: Tessa James on December 09, 2016, 03:12:12 PM
Smart of you to take notes or create a journal.  I consider my volumes here to have been therapeutic and a great place to create a sort of blog while learning from others.  Coming out can be scary and many folks can be shocked or suggest they kinda knew I was gay or something was up   I went back and talked to the people from my past who heard me deny myself, to set the record straight.  My secret was killing me and i never want to feel that again.

I've always liked to write. The funny thing is, now that I'm opening up to myself, I feel like my writing has become.more in-depth, I've got ideas for characters and story arcs that just have a much more realistic, lifelike feel to me. As for journaling, after my first therapy session I really felt the need to organize my thoughts. I spent about a week after coming out of denial just struggling to make any sense of my thoughts. My mind was a jumble of emotions, I was distracted in everything I did, and I couldn't make sense of my own feelings. I walked out of that session with newfound clarity and a sense that I had the ability to move forward, but I also thought a lot about the answers I gave to my therapist and how I could have answered them better if I had thought about the questions more. I was pretty bewildered at first. So I wanted to arrange my reflections to start. But as I wrote, my reflections brought up more questions that I had to remember, things I wanted to talk about in future sessions. As I wrote those questions, I started coming up with my own answers and the journaling just began to unfold naturally. I keep looking back at the scraps of paper for inspiration now. I've put those thoughts on paper now. They are concrete now. No running from my answers, no delving back into denial. There is no looking back now, I'm not going that way. The only place to keep my eyes is the future and the only place for my feet is infront of me.

To answer your questions, I suspect there is a fair number of us who don't go through the stages of grief but I can understand why a person might. In my case, I knew at 13 what I was and I accepted the fact. I also had to accept the fact that treatment wasn't in the cards and for that matter it was almost non existent at the time. I had to wait for the programs to come into existence and I almost waited to long. Children can get into treatment today as soon as they come out so they may be able to avoid having anything to grieve over.

In your case, the suppression caused you to pay a terrible price and now you are seeing what could have been. Nothing can change the past and I am sorry for anyone who find themselves in that position. You need to deal with the grief and move forward. The site and the people here can help with that and hopefully you will have a bright future to look forward to.

While I have gone through several of the "Stages of Grief" since I have taken the Trans-Beast on for real, I cannot say Anger is among them. Perhaps it is because I had 2 failed transtion 'experiments' before this one last one? Perhaps, because of the hard work I put into fixing myself from the inside, knowing I was I 'Broken'; Like how can I be angry?

Denial - a good 40-50 years worth
Bargaining - a good 40-50 years worth. Especially the first few 7 years ago
Depression - as my therapist said; "I haven't had a trans client that wasn't"
Acceptance - It took a few years of hard work. Still is hard work. Still is well worth the effort
Anger - Perhaps it's the fatalist in me. Like Popeye, I Yam What I Yam". A friend at university once joked how his father said Fat dumb and stupid is no way to go through life... so I went on a diet.  I see Irony. I don't feel Anger

Sad, sure. Anger, no. If I acted sooner, forced things I started in my 20's, I have no doubt I'll be dead today. Nor would I have have been able to a quarter of the totally amazing things I had that, let's be real... If I was were a full-time woman it wouldn't be.

I sure wish I didn't have to go through this. I sure wish I didn't wreck the lives of others I deeply loved. Even doing things "The Right Way" ended badly.

Quote from: JoanneB on December 10, 2016, 12:29:49 AM
A friend at university once joked how his father said Fat dumb and stupid is no way to go through life... so I went on a diet.

I know this is a serious thread but this just cracked me up.

Lol

I'd rather die laughing than treat self hatred as the World Serious team event it need not be.

Laughter is an essential part of my life and strategy moving forward