Hello

Yesterday my 9yo asked me if he could try on some girls' clothes "to see what it feels like", this was unexpected (he's never shown any interest before) but I said I'd see if I had anything appropriate and he could try it on today.

It's obviously something he's been thinking about a lot today as he's asked me numerous times through the day to make sure I hadn't forgotten. This afternoon/evening he has tried on a dress and wig, admired himself in the mirror for a couple of minutes then taken them off again.

A couple of hours later (once in bed) he has said to me that he wants to be a girl. This is completely out of the blue and I'm not sure how to deal with it    We've had a bit of a chat (it was getting late and I've explained this is something to discuss more when he isn't so tired), and he seems to want me to ask questions about it rather than him tell me about it. At 9yo, I'm not sure he can articulate his feelings very well.

He's asked me if it's possible to have an operation to change his "face and voice to be like a girl's" (I explained that operations like that were only done on grown-ups) and when I asked if he could think of anything specific reasons for being a girl (something that girls tend to do etc.) he said "I just don't feel right as a boy" He is acutely aware of how people/other kids judge people if there's anything different about them.

He really wants to talk about this but I am at a loss at to what to say/ask him. I've been trying to keep my questions open ended and not leading him in one direction or another.

My partner is no help, he thinks we should just tell him that it's something to discuss "when he's older". I don't want to encourage (possibly not the right word) down a particular route (just in case it is just a curiosity phase and something he'd rather forget about in the future) but, equally, I don't want to dismiss it. I want him to feel comfortable talking to us about stuff like this.

Welcome to Susan's Place. At that age it is possible that it's a temporary thing but it's best to address it now. Seeing a gender therapist will help get your child's feeling in order but for now, there are some answers I can give you. As your child hasn't entered puberty yet, many schools with the therapist recommendation would allow your child to present as a female. When your child approaches puberty, blockers which would stop testosterone production would be give allowing you child to mature more before the final decision is made usually around age 18. At that point, hormones would be given and surgery would be considered. If treatment is started now, the only surgery that would be needed would be reassignment surgery. Facial surgery and voice surgery shouldn't be needed but some voice therapy might be helpful.

There are several points in a child's development where their gender might flip so avoiding anything permanent before they reach 18 is the best approach. Should your child decide to remain male, the blocker would be discontinued and normal development would resume. I am including two links that might prove helpful in understanding what your child might feel. The first is our WIKI which will show the various ways these feeling might express themselves. The second "the transition channel" in which a gender therapist will cover transsexualism in more detail. Feel free to post any questions you might have on this thread and I will reply when I see them.

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as far as I'm concerned I started at four years old in hiding and to hide it from others especially parents can be quite painful. Personally I'd let him get it out of his system. Don't make it a taboo  because that will just encourage him to hide it from you. I'm not sure if professional help is needed because finding the wrong psychologist could do harm. I'm a trans , but didn't come out in  the open till 65 years old. You can't imagine the pain from hiding all these years If you do you homework and find an objective professional gender therapist you could do your son a great favor.

I think it is great that you have an open mind and are willing to work with your child to help them decide for themselves the direction they wish to take

Dear Mum,

Thank you for taking such care of your child. As Dena said seeing a therapist is an important step, access to gender team may be found through the paediatric endocrinology dept of a major hospital. If you are in Australia I could guide you through the process better. None of these units in anyway 'force' the child in any direction and everyones concerns are taken on board.

Many of us on the site were aware of being brought up in wrong gender at an early age. Gender is usually fixed around 3-5 years of age and children questioning their assigned gender usually have good reason to do so.

One thing to keep very clear, this is NOT the result of poor parenting, a fad, or seeing TV or news programs. Gender identification is a very strong human instinct and most people never even think of it. If a person does start questioning it there is a reason.

We will all help as much as we can.

Love

Cindy

Hi Swift

Well done on not going screaming into the night. 

I knew at about 5years old and told my Mum and she didn't believe me, By the time I was 9 I thought all my feelings would go away at puberty...but of course they didn't, they just got worse.

It is a really hard thing for parents to deal with and a good therapist is a great option. Therapy may also involve helping you and your partner know the best way to help your son. You will work this out and you will be OK
Liz

I'm only partially transmale-about 60%, but I always assumed I was male, and everyone treated me as one. I suppose my behavior demanded it.
My mom just took me for granted until she had my sister two years after me, who is actually feminine in behavior.

I was treated as an honorary boy until puberty, when my body betrayed me and began developing. I was confused and horrified, praying desperately for God to make my body "beautiful" again.
Then my male playmates began behaving strangely, as well as adult males, and life became a problem. I felt mortified most of the time.

Still, since I've done little to transition beyond dressing androgynously, as I always have, my parents couldn't have done much better.

I did resent my mother making me wear skirts, but since that was the rule of our strict mission, I'd have had to transition completely to male to get away with wearing trousers while riding horses and climbing trees.

I too knew at a very young age I was really a girl inside. My mother was not so much supportive as neglectful. She was bi-polar and spent most of her time crying in her bedroom. She ignored me, but also bought clothes and accessories I wanted. So I spent much of my early years in curls and girly clothes. I felt "normal". I was bullied and teased at school and she was no help in this, so I stopped going to school in the 5th grade. She turned me over to the state at that point and I spent most of the rest of my childhood and teens in orphanages and foster homes. In that environment I was forced, it was the 70's, back into boy mode. During that time I began acting out and became violent. I would eventually spend over a year in a mental hospital and 2 years in prison. All before I was 18. Unfortunately I found drugs and alcohol during that time and used them to bury these feelings until I was 53. During that time I was a miserable, violent angry drunk. I cross dressed and role played but never "came out" until I got sober last year. I tell this tale to emphasize that in hindsight and with the help of a very good therapist and 12-step program I have found that I "felt normal" as a little girl. I was miserable for years and years as a man and am finally "normal" again as I live as a woman. I have done quite a bit of questioning of friends and have yet to find a trans woman who didn't know she was really a little girl or a cis man who wondered if he was. Hopefully your love and support at this stage will save your child from the misery many of us have suffered through. You are an inspiration. Hope this helps and may God bless you.

Thanks from me as well for how you have approached this. I tend to agree with what Dena wrote.

You are very brave facing it this way.

With warmth,

Joanna

You sound like a wonderful mother and the caution you are exercising here is admirable.

I think it's very easy to say 'see a therapist' but we do need to be realistic - your son made this comment out of the blue one day ago which hardly constitutes evidence of transgender leanings.  I think you reaction is absolutely right; provide him with the necessary clothes to experiment since denying him that may well lead to stronger urges in the future.  The fact that he removed the items after a couple of minutes to me is an indication that he's not been harbouring a deep seated desire to be female for a long time and it's a passing phase.

You also mentioned that he talked more about it when you put him to bed.  His question about the operation may indicate that one of his friends at school had mentioned 'sex changes' and planted the seed in his mind.  At 9 years old, he may be starting to notice the prettiness of girls and sees this as a possible route to gaining greater closeness to them rather than a deep seated wish to be one of them.

You are right and your partner is wrong.  As a mother, it is your duty to protect and guide your children until they are old enough to stand on their own two feet.  Pushing this under the carpet until your son is older will not help and may do a lot of emotional damage to him; as an aside, although my wife knows of my transgender leanings, it is a subject never to be discussed which increases the pressure I already feel from wishing I was someone I'm not.  Equally, you need to be careful that you don't lead him down an inappropriate path pushing him to transition when it's just a phase or ignoring his needs when he truly is transgender.

In your position, I think I'd do exactly as you have done, listen to him, answer his questions and let him experiment.  If he keeps asking, I think you could ask him if wants to try being a girl for a day, let him dress how he wants and do 'girly' things with him to see how he reacts.  That said, it's essential for you to let him take the lead asking him what he wants rather than forcing things onto him.  It's completely possible that he will tire of the situation after an hour or two; alternatively if he settles into his female persona and asks you to do it again, then I think you've got a stronger reason to seek professional help.

I hope that, for the sake of both you and your son, it is a passing phase.  There are many members of this community who have undergone successful transitions and lead very happy lives but I think all would agree that it was not an easy path to tread.  I know from my own point of view that I still don't know for sure where I fit in the transgender spectrum and whilst, throughout my life since childhood, I have gone through phases of wanting to be female regardless of the financial and emotional cost, I have also had times of being perfectly happy as a male.  As a teenager, I came very close to telling my mother that I wanted to be a girl but I can see now that this was as a result of envy of their lifestyle rather than a feeling of being trapped in the wrong body.  I still have to deal with those feelings some 40 years later and am battling with strong dysphoric feelings as I write this but I do feel that transition would not have been right for me.

With best wishes and hopes that you are able to successfully navigate this issue towards an outcome that will be right for your son, whatever that may be.

Amanda

I agree with Amanda that you are handling this very well. You are letting him take the lead and showing him by your actions that you support him no matter what. I think that is what we all hope for.
As for therapy. I think it is probably premature but I would address that by asking I'd he wants to talk to someone about his feelings. That will give you an idea how serious he is about it too.
He might have also just wanted to dress in girl clothes because he thinks they are pretty. Given the social stigma associated with boys wearing girl clothes, he might not have had any idea how to ask.

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If you are in the UK, I believe there are quite extensive gender related resources available to help guide both you and your child along and of course you are always welcome to visit us here to share how the journey is going for the both of you

Hugs