when i first started coming out, and went to the club, boys just hated me. my look was all wrong. to them, i was just a boy in girly clothes. my bra had nothing in it. i was pre-HRT, and my smell was all wrong, too.
having come through those difficult early days, i guess now when men pay attention to me, i'm a little cynical. sometimes i'm thinking, "oh now you wanna look at me, you bastard, when i was just invisible before."
after i get old, i'll be invisible again. i have no illusions about that.
so it makes no sense for me to be driven to be as sexy as possible, within the limits of my own personal taste, of course, but if my jeans are not as tight as they should be, it annoys me no end. i want boys to look at my butt when i walk past. i want them to smile at me and take pleasure in looking at me. some of the girls look at me with aching lust in their eyes, and i like to see that, too. lots of cisgendered girls might say that's being objectified. but i'm like, go ahead, take a look, objectify me! just don't let me be invisible.
-ellie