I'm more or less full-time now, including out at work, and in the process of getting my name changed everywhere (which is a much more tedious and time-consuming process than you might think.)

But the nameless terror that I've been feeling on and off since the beginning of June (as described in a post of mine from July) is still cropping up.  I'm taking anti-depressants and they seem to keep it somewhat under control, but it still takes a lot out of me.  (I've noticed that if I forget to take my anti-depressant at dinner-time, I don't have the courage to do anything by night time.)  I saved up my vacation and took the month of December off, which is a good thing, because I'm frequently too exhausted to do anything but sleep or just lie in bed doing nothing by mid-afternoon.  At the same time, I find myself spontaneously saying to myself things like "I'm so glad I'm me!" and "I'm so happy."  So there's a delirious joy mixed in with the soul-crushing terror.

Just wondering: has anyone else experienced this?  Does the terror subside once fully living your life as your preferred gender has gone on long enough to just be how your life is?

I doubt if I feel it as strongly as you do, but, yes, the terror is there.  I wore my gender role as a suit of armour.  As long as I stayed inside it, I was protected.  Now the armour is gone and I am exposed.  Heck, yes, it is scary!

I don't know what lies ahead.  I don't know how to be a woman, only that I have to try.  The future could be beautiful or it could be horrible.  But it could be beautiful.  All I know for sure is that that suit of armour didn't fit very well.  And now that I have been out of it for a while, I can't ever put it back on.  I just can't.

So I have to go forward without it.  I will muddle my way forward because there is no going back.  If there be monsters, I will slay them or die trying.  It is a difficult road we are on.  But if there be beauty, I will revel in it.

I'm sorry you are going through this.  I'm no where near full time, but I have spent a week at a time as Denise.  At times I would feel the "panic" that you describe but I doubt it was as severe as you are experiencing.

For me I would stop, smile to myself, close my eyes and do a slow inhale/exhale then continue being who I am.

I don't have any armor, I feel like everyone has always viewed me as something freakish... like they know I'm not 'right', so maybe that is why I don't feel the same amount of fear. I didn't feel afraid telling my family because they treated me less than nice most of the time anyway. When your own parents act like you don't exist most of the time, it's not really a step down to think they might actually be thinking of you, even if it's to mock/dislike you.

I feel a bit of trepidation about some of my daily interactions, some of the people who I have to talk to wondering how they will react, but those are few and they are just like... people "out there". Not people I have to live with or care deeply about.

But it's not much. I know I can just leave this place and go somewhere where nobody knows me if I have to.

I'm honestly more afraid that I'll never look sufficiently masculine and will have to explain myself to curious people for the rest of life. That's my biggest concern at this point.

Since I started taking T though, I've found I worry 200% less than I used to about most things, including this. I don't think it's because I'm thinking I'm finally on the road to maleness, but I think it's actually the physical and chemical action of this hormone. The dread that followed me everywhere for so long is practically gone since I started taking it.