I asked my doctor for a referral to a specialist, she told me to wait a few days while she researched for a"non-religious" tg-friendly therapist. Around here one is just as likely to find a doc who would insist on conversion therapy. Oy.
Not even a week! She said to visit Seattle counseling. So I'm waiting for a callback.
Several years ago I tried talking to my wife about it, and even tried to find a doc. It nearly killed our marriage, and that's a big deal with small kids in the house. Now the kids are out and I'm not so worried for them, but for her.
I think what I'm looking for, before I see a doc or talk to Herself, is reassurance that I'm not on the wrong track. I know therapy will help, maybe even get me closer to what I want (mtf), but oh boy it's been years.
The only thing I really dread is the long drive to Seattle. (Sigh)

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I would say everyone who has ever been on this form and those who have transitioned or are currently transitioning has had those same thoughts.  One thing I've learned recently is if you think you might-possibly-could be transgender you probably are.  CIS people don't think about their gender.  Okay maybe once in a blue moon but if you are thinking about it all the time (daily?) then seeking counseling is a good start.

The drive will be worth it to find someone who can help.  My therapist is about a 90 minute drive on the other side of Chicago - through traffic. But she has helped me to accept myself and those around me.

One thing to keep in mind.  I've been on Estrogen since November 2nc (6 weeks ish) and this week I had three different people say "You look happy, I don't remember ever seeing you like this."  Honestly I can never remember feeling as good as I do now.  The voices bugging me about my gender are GONE.  Okay full disclosure I'm having the "are you nuts"/embarrassment thoughts but those are only when I'm in Guy mode (I'm MtF).

Bottom line - investigate the possibility.  You don't know what you may be missing.  I FEEL GREAT.

Quote from: Denise on December 16, 2016, 07:39:31 AM
I would say everyone who has ever been on this form and those who have transitioned or are currently transitioning has had those same thoughts.  One thing I've learned recently is if you think you might-possibly-could be transgender you probably are.  CIS people don't think about their gender.  Okay maybe once in a blue moon but if you are thinking about it all the time (daily?) then seeking counseling is a good start.

Daily, now I think about it hourly at least! I guess I'm on the right track.

QuoteOne thing to keep in mind.  I've been on Estrogen since November 2nc (6 weeks ish) and this week I had three different people say "You look happy, I don't remember ever seeing you like this."  Honestly I can never remember feeling as good as I do now.  The voices bugging me about my gender are GONE.  Okay full disclosure I'm having the "are you nuts"/embarrassment thoughts but those are only when I'm in Guy mode (I'm MtF).

I am looking forward to relief. I'll have to wait to see what the doc says, but I'm hopeful.

QuoteBottom line - investigate the possibility.  You don't know what you may be missing.  I FEEL GREAT.

Thanks very much for the voice. Obviously (to me at least) I have a difficult time getting the right words out. I was pretty far towards the back of the closet until last week. It will get easier I'm sure.

I assume you are on the east side of the Cascades. Here are some resources. Ingersoll Gender Center Seattle. Rainbow Center Tacoma, I am a member of Group Health/ Kaiser Permanente and they have an active Transgender treatment plan. I have received therapy, hormones, lab tests, voice lessons and am still eligible for an orchi if the time comes that I want it. If there is a medical necessity they can even go further including what is generally determined to be cosmetic surgery. Since I don't know your exact location but here are some from Spokane  https://www.pridefoundation.org/tall-beginnings-transgender-people-allies-spokane/2014/10/     https://sites.ewu.edu/pridecenter/resources/spokane-resources/  http://spokanepflag.org/information-and-resources/spokane-community-organizations#.WFRV9OYrLIU You might also want the check Central Washington University for resources in Ellensberg.  Good luck finding what you need. 

I'm not sure what your drive is but from where I was living in rural West Virginia it was well over 2 hours to either DC or Pittsburgh to a gender clinic.

It was also a good 90 miles to get to the closest, and only, support group nearby. I danced with the Trans-Beast all my life. A few years back I knew I needed to take on the beast for real. I also had a very well entrenched "Male" life that included a wife whose health was failing, a career I loved doing that paid well, as well as a lot of other non-gender aspects that made me ME. My dysphoria was generally not to the point of needing, nor even wanting, to risk all that for say 20% of what I am.

Though for about all my life I lived within 15 minute drive of Times Square I never got involved with anything TG. However, I cannot describe the state of shock I was during for some time after I made that 90 minute drive to my first ever TG Support group meeting.  I was not prepared at all for the experience of being in a room filled a dozen or more women "introducing" themselves whose life stories and feelings for all intents and purposes practically mirrored my own.

Being a logical engineering type I said to myself; "Self, this may be a fluke. See how you feel after next month's meeting". Well, pretty much the same. By the end of the my 3rd meeting I knew it was almost too late to tell my wife what is up if I was to have any hope of keeping things together.

My wife knew from about day 1 of my gender issues and even of my history of 2 failed transition "experiments" which eventually led to myself resigning to a fate of "Just a CD". I had my monthly or so "escapes" from maleness which came at a high price. For days or longer all she could see was "Joanne" when she looked at me. Any sort of intimacy was out for sure. Plus my own guilt over such a self-indulgence when there was plenty of other things that needed doing.

Even in my case dropping the T-Bomb was no easy undertaking. Her visceral emotional response for the longest time was betrayal. Also her BIG hot button issue. The betrayal, or lying, or what have you is debatable. I wanted to be just a CD, and pulled it off for well over 30 years

I have to drive 105 miles to my endo and about 90 minutes to my therapist.  The last appointment was really maddening when after driving 90 minutes for a therapy appointment my therapist had already gone for the day.


It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not.
André Gide, Autumn Leaves

Well, as it turns out they can't help me, but gave me the number of a more local place. TIL Medicaid only works in the county where you live. Too late to call today so it'll be Monday.

Edit: I feel like a brick wall just erupted in front of me. I had my hopes up when I got the call, probably will be okay. If it gets worse I'll call a crisis line. Don't worry, I'll pop back and continue the tale later.

Thank you all for your words, I get a good sense of perspective from them.

Quote from: DawnOday on December 16, 2016, 03:05:42 PM
I assume you are on the east side of the Cascades. Here are some resources. Ingersoll Gender Center Seattle.

DawnODay Thank you for the links! I'm doing all the online research I can, so every little bit helps.

Actually I'm on the West side of the Sound, in Clallam County. (I see the Esprit ladies touring here occasionally) Resources here are seriously limited, and more so as I'm on medicaid. Fortunately for me, and others who may follow, the staff at the local medical clinic are also doing research into how best to help me, and find a doctor who isn't likely to hijack my progress. Today I spoke with them and was pleasantly surprised to hear they're thinking of other options. There is a light at the end of my tunnel, I just know it.

Ok, The west side is a little rural. I know the Esprit ladies will be in Port Angeles in May. I am planning on attending if i can come up with the dough. I looked into things a little further and there are some online resources you may want to look into. Remote therapy via skype. Here is a list of online therapy resources. https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php?topic=121007.0

After a lull in activities in the house, we were in the kitchen cooking and I told her of my search for a therapist, and why.
Her words exactly: "it took you long enough!"
Well that's a shocker, but it's something she could see building over the last twenty years. After the last conversation mentioned above, I really didn't want to bring it up for fear of upsetting her. Letting my hair grow and trying to take care of it as best I can (as a man), shaving, other small things, kinda left a hint hanging. I hope we can hang together, but I will not disabuse her of strong burly men.
"You'd make a real ugly woman!"
"I know, but don't think Marilyn Monroe, rather Margaret Thatcher"

With that I'll set other threads as I need them in other forum locations. Thanks for listening, I'm a bit closer now and a little less anxious!

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