Hi all, how long did it take until your friends and family stopped Miss gender you? I have been living full time one and a half year now and I told my parents two years ago. Still they constantly miss gender me. I'm sure it's not out of malaise, but still it shows what they really think of me. It really feels like a punch in the gut every time.

I recently started a new school and got some new friends and have never been miss gender by them. So it's not a lack of commitment from me. At least I don't think so, I really do believe that I pass to some extent. I can be wrong and my new friends only being nice and my parents just dicks. Spending the Christmas with my parents have really crippled my selfasteam.

Anyway how long did it take for your parents and friends to get it right?

Hugs*

You have to call them out on it until they stop. It doesn't have to be dramatic and it doesn't have to be accusatory but it needs to make them stop and think. For me the biggest issue was at work, particularly with people who were not only older but had known me prior to transition for many years. Even though these people were supportive and wanted to get it right they slipped up, often constantly. I dealt with misgendering and deadnaming by simply asking "who?" when they mentioned me in that way. That almost always got them to stop and correct themselves. But you're right about it revealing how they think about you, essentially they haven't changed their inner dialogue or image of you. When you're not around, how do you think they think or talk about you? Until that changes the misgendering is like to continue.

I still get called by my birth name by my family.  I'm not too concerned about it.  I get it wrong sometimes too and I transitioned by choice.  It'll get better once they adjust a bit more, I'm pretty sure of it.

I have all new friends from after transitioning. My friends from before arnt my friends anymore so I don't get misgendered by my friends. My parents compromise with me. In private they still call me by my born name and male pronouns, but in  public they call me by my chosen name and female pronouns. I learned to deal with it. My dad of all people sometimes slip up and say she and don't even realize he said it.

I find the combination of a person knowing me a long time but no longer seeing me very often is where folks have trouble and misgender me.  I live thousands of miles from my birth home and only get back there once a year.  Family and friends who live there have only seen Tessa a few times.

I guess the older and longer our relationship is the easier it is to be misgendered?  Those I have met since transition have far less trouble as do younger people in general.  I aspire to not be bothered by it at all.  I don't work at passing and as Harley notes I sometimes misgender myself:)

Those who misgender someone with malice or disrespect are another subject and may find themselves called out if i catch that drift. 

I admire you for standing up for yourself and hope you let other peoples opinions just be more back round noise.  More blah blah is what its worth

I found it is much easier for people to drop the dead name than to get the pronouns right. I almost never get the dead name. I do get punched in the gut with the wrong pronouns a lot. I go on the idea that it is such a powerful imprint on people's self conscious that it just comes out wrong without them thinking about it. I make a joke out of it by saying something like, "Pronoun Police!" Then they are like, "Oh sorry." It is best done with fewer people around. It still hurts especially when a new person is around. One side note. I work with students with autism. One student is my total hero. He switched over to the new name and now never gets it wrong. He usually has trouble with pronouns but for some reason, never gets mine wrong.
Monica

I would say that, only family that does not see me often stills misgenders me and treats me as a male socially. Like they will try to shake my hand after they just hugged a my aunt, mom, grandma right before me. I just disregard the handshake and go in for the hug. Treat me the same darnt!  I think it's because they have a harder time making the switch in their heads. I don't hold it against them though. I know they mean well, but it is still annoying. It reminds me of the part of me that will always be there Like my grandparents get it right on occasion, but I know they are trying and I don't see them often. On the other hand, I rarely see my dad and he got it right in a couple months of seeing/talking to me about twice a month.

I'm not sure why some people have a hard time changing.... most of my friends and family are fine and never dead name or mis-gender me. My mom who although she has been supportive dead named me for a long time. it took her half a year until she finally called me Sarah. she continued to dead name me. sometimes she would correct herself sometime I would be like who are you talking to. She would then apologize and then call me sarah. after a couple months of that i finally told her that I would just ignore her if she called me by my former name. She has gotten a lot better since that. 

I think it's important to give people time to adjust but you also should decide when enough is enough.

My family became a lot more consistent after my facial surgery, and when electrolysis was mostly under control.  Having a different face made a big difference.

After SRS (a little less than two years after coming out to them), I set boundaries.  I made it very clear that going forward I wouldn't be able to tolerate misgendering.  If they wanted to continue a relationship with me, they would have to be impeccable.  So, immediately after a misgendering incident, I'd leave the house (or their company, if out in public) and the duration before coming back would get longer every time.  This was extremely effective -- there were only 3 incidents in total after putting down these ground rules, and they were all over ten years ago now.

I had them remove all former pictures of me to storage.  Only current pictures and references of me are allowed anywhere in the house.

We also practiced at storytelling.  "When Sophie was a little girl, she liked to..." and so on.  All the old anecdotes, retold correctly.  It really helps.  Also, they were not (and are still not) allowed to bring up the subject of transition. 

Be very clear on what you need, and be prepared to enforce your boundaries. There must be negative consequences for any incidents.  And, of course, positive reinforcement for being good -- like, spending more time with them, showing them more affection, doing sweet things for them, and so on.  Likewise, you need to take into account what they need to help them along.  If your mom says you need to participate in the women's rituals of the family (meal prep, emotional labor, etc.) then you participate.