Hey guys, its me today here telling you guys a final good bye. It seems i will never be able to live a female life, or even be feminine without crushing doubts that kill me.

I have been living as a woman since December 2nd, or if not very very androgynous and re-started hrt on the 3rd. All in all good results, no self harm, the only time i drink is when i am being social or already having a good time, not because i am depressed and doing a bender TO feel good. but there is still one big problem, i have doubts STILL, even after all the progress i am doing. I mean how stupid can i possibly be?

I mean, i have stabilized and am at times thinking the most clearly i have since my April break down, i stopped drinking to run from my problems, stopped self harming: cutting, hair pulling, biting, coming close to eating 3 bricks of butter because my dysporia and anxiety was so sever i kept throwing up and losing weight... whacked stuff like that.

But the doubts are still present. And that, after all is what led me to stop transition in April. Being a man makes me so sad and upset but m brain, not sure if its due to OCD, anxiety disorders or my mild autism which makes me fixate on things i would rather not think about, i cant stop thinking about ''him'', the life i had pre-2014, where i was the definition of man.

I may have not liked it, but it was so built into my system of this is how it has to be that i became such a man. It has been nearly 3 years and i still cant get ''him'' out of my head.  I mean, this transition has opened up a pandoras box, it has made me come face to face with my demons, past truamas and they are overpowering me now.. tho, being Ashley when i lived full time pre-April made me into a more assertive woman i had dreamed of.

Before that i was a big coward, and well i guess now i still am and always will be. Still, i cant shake the doubts anymore and fear that my cousin is right, that this is basically ''just a phase'' or due to ''fixation of autisim'' even tho when i don't have doubt it makes me happier then ever.

And that one family member once told me that i am going to have an ''Ah-ha moment'' one day, realize this is just me running away from manhood and go back to being the man again. I cant take it, so i am saying good bye, and will likely not be going  to see the Royal Ottawa for help in anxiety, but will join the military as i have a part 2 medical with them in February.

This isn't  a sob story, or i'm not trying to make it one. I really wanna say thank you so much! a lot of you guys have given me great advice and have heard me in my time of need but i need to move on. i love you all and hope your transitions and new years are amazing!

Love Ashley!

Ashley, these are decisions we all have to make for ourselves. I hope you keep well, and find balance and happiness in your life. X

Ashley, I hope wherever you go you can find happiness in life and peace with yourself. Good luck and take a hug for the road! 

Im sorry to hear your not going to speak with someone there at the Royal since you felt before that was maybe going to help you look into the things that were disturbing you but ultimately you must follow what you feel is best for you right now ( regardless of gender) There is always support groups in the area like " Gender Mosaic" where its not necessarily  transitioning as such or living full time but a place where you can share with others!
My best wishes in that you find what makes you truly happy! Hugs! Julie [emoji177]


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Our whole lives get built to an identity, and it can be difficult to let go of. In many ways this sounds like grieving for the life/person that once was.

You have seen the other side of the mirror, and will always be welcome.

Rowan

Quote from: SailorMars1994 on December 29, 2016, 12:00:05 PM
Hey guys, its me today here telling you guys a final good bye. It seems i will never be able to live a female life, or even be feminine without crushing doubts that kill me. I have been living as a woman since december 2nd, or if not very very androgynous and re-started hrt on the 3rd. All in all good results, no self harm, the only time i drink is when iam being social or already having a good time, not because i am depressed and doing a bender TO feel good. but there is still one big problem, i have doubts STILL, even after all the progress i am doing. I mean how stupid can i possibley be? I mean, i have stablized and am at times thinking the most clearly i have since my april break down, i stopped drinking to run from my problems, stopped self harming: cutting, hair pulling, biting, coming close to eating 3 bricks of butter because my dysporia and anxiety was so sever i kept throwing up and losing weight... whacked stuff like that. But the doubts are still presnt. And that, after all is what led me to stop transition in April. Being a man makes me so sad and upset but m brain, not sure if its due to OCD, anxiety disorders or my mild autism which makes me fixate on things i would rather not think about, i cant stop thinking about ''him'', the life i had pre-2014, where i was the definition of man. I may have not liked it, but it was so built into my system of this is how it has to be that i became such a man. It has been nearly 3 years and i still cant get ''him'' out of my head.  I mean, this transtion has opened up a pandoras box, it has made me come face to face with my demons, past truamas and they are overpowering me now.. tho, being Ashley when i lived full time pre-April made me into a more assertive woman i had dreamed of. Before that i was a big coward, and well i guess now i still am and always will be. Still, i cant shake the doubts anymore and fear that my cousin is right, that this is basically ''just a phase'' or due to ''fixation of autisim'' even tho when i dont have doubt it makes me happier then ever. And that one family member once told me that i am going to have an ''Ah-ha moment'' one day, relize this is just me running away from manhood and go back to being the man again. I cant take it, so i am saying good bye, and will likely not be going  to see the Royal Ottawa for help in anxiety, but will join the military as i have a part 2 meidcal with them in february. This isnt  a sob story, or im not trying to make it one. I really wana say thank you so much! alot of you guys have given me great advice and have heard me in my time of need but i need to move on. i love you all and hope your transisitions and new years are amazing! Love Ashley!

Ashley you have to do what you have to do....We will be here if it doesn't work out and we will support you again. Is there someone who is not biased against your transition that you can talk too? I would hate to see you jump from the Frying pan into the fire.

So long as you are happy and doing it for you, this is part of the journey. I could really kick myself in the bum though for listening to all the doubters and haters, taking more notice of them than my own feelings. Do this for you and not for anyone else. Look after your own needs until you have the ability to start sharing....it does not have to be all one thing or another.

I wish you luck and hope you find your peace.
Hugs
Liz 

Good luck.  I know its hard,  I fight that battle everyday.  But as long as I am on hrt,  I will and always be part female . 

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peace

Good luck.  I hope you find happiness.

I know that people who transition usually think of gender as being either male or female. That's the conventional gender binary, very popular in US Christian thinking, although NOT in Asia.

Yet all people are varying degrees of mixed gender, on a sliding scale, as the Asians say, with "yin and yang."

There's no reason to think that if you're not "all female" then you have no female traits at all and are a cis male.

Maybe you're just non-binary. Most people with autism are.

In fact, the higher your IQ, the more likely you are to be mixed gender and on the autism spectrum.

I hope you find PEACE with your decision. I wish I had the strength of my convictions to match yours. We all have to to play the cards we were dealt.

Please, keep in mind, "Do-Overs" are allowed as long as you are waking up on the sunny side of the grass

God Speed, Sailor Mars

I wish you all the best.  Please remember that all of this is like a long train ride.  You can get off when you want.  You can also get back on.  We've all done it, some more than others.  You are always welcome back if you want.

Love and Hugs - Dee

I've enjoyed your posts, Ashley.      Hope you find peace and purpose in your life.  If this is wrong for you, you'll be back, if not, you'll have peace of mind. Your time here was well spent either way.  Good luck.

Good luck Ashley, I really do hope everything turns out good for you! xxx