Hi All,

I'm just starting to understand/realise that I identify as male rather than female. I've recently started to be known as male to my close family and friends, but not at work. Currently I work for the emergency services as a call handler (answering 999 calls). At this time, I am also off work due to reaching a crisis point where I walked into the office and thought "I can't do this anymore". After blubbering all of my feelings to my manager that evening, and telling her I wanted to quit my job and start a fresh, she has advised that I get signed off by my GP for a few weeks in order to ensure I make a well informed decision about my career rather than an impulsive one. So, currently I'm trying to figure out whether to quit or stay at work and be known by my preferred male name and pronouns. I have listed my current pro's and con's below, and any advice or experience of anyone feeling the same or transitioning within the emergency services would be greatly appreciated! I'm aware there are a lot of con's, and this may be reflective of my current mood, but I'm trying to think of more pro's!

Pro's
- The fact that they have given me the time to think about this decision makes me think they will be very supportive.
- My job is well paid and would set me up for a long career in a field I would love to work in.

Con's
- No gender neutral toilet, I have a good relationship with some male co-workers and I'm concerned it will freak them out if I ever meet them in the bathroom.
- I have no idea how to tell people. I work in an office where 600 people work rotating shifts. This means that I may not see certain coworkers for weeks on end, due to our shifts not matching. So some people may know at work the next day, but others may not know for a month, which means that there is going to be a very long period of getting used to a new name and pronouns. 
- A massive part of me just wants to wipe the slate clean and start again as male. It really bothers me that my co-workers will have known me as female, despite coming out as male.
- There are going to be no physical changes to 'back up' my coming out. I haven't started any kind of process to take hormones yet, I'm just seeing how the social transition goes first. I already dress as male at work, so my physical appearance won't change after I come out.
- I feel like my emotions are currently all over the place, and I don't know when that will change, and I'm concerned that at moments where it is required, my decision making and risk assessing at work is not going to be as good as it could be.
- Quite a few of my colleagues have commented that I sound older than I actually am at work. I'm worried that when I start introducing myself with my male name that I will loose some credibility, and that callers will think I have no idea what I am doing, because I will sound like a very young male with a high voice.
- My work life balance at work is currently non-existent, and I feel like I need a great work life balance whilst I'm working through this

Thanks for reading, sorry for the length!

Noah (So excited to be typing my male name!!  )

Hey Noah, welcome aboard and thank you for sharing such a heavy decision with us.  I hope and expect all here will support your choice and applaud your coming out. 

I think so much of our job satisfaction is about the immediate people we work with.  The other mass of folks are part of the background noise and we risk letting others decide our choices if they do indeed have that level of influence.  I assume you are in a role, institution and State where you have legal protections?

You are clearly smart and working thru this carefully and recognize this Genie from the bottle will stay in the air.  Do you also have a personal support circle to share and depend on?  Going the other direction, MtF, I found challenges in being taken seriously.  Knowing too many males in my life as competitive types doesn't help in creating a welcoming committee.

Wherever we go it seems we bring our baggage with us and it is hard for me to recommend coming out at work as in real life I was not completely able to be so brave.  My hats off to you for staying in the game.

Hi Noah,

Don't quit.

First, it's good to have work, because money is good -- the deeper you get into transition the more you might realize you'll want expensive surgeries.  You might not, but you never know, once you come out and see how people are really gendering you, it's pretty common to start planning physical changes.

Second, it does sound promising that this will be a supportive environment.  Sure, without physical changes, some people will be slow to adapt to gendering you correctly, but even partially correct gendering is better than completely wrong gendering.  And the thing is, you'll be getting exactly the same thing regardless of where you go, and there's no guarantee you'll get as good a job as what you have now.  Better to stick it out, build up your war chest, and get down to the brass tacks of your physical changes.  When you get to the point where you're getting correctly gendered everywhere you go, you can then determine whether you want to change jobs so as to get a fresh start without the story of a previous life hanging over your head.

I think it's more important to stick with a job you live; otherwise you might regret quitting. It might be a good idea to have a meeting with your manager to discuss you being trans and how to go forward; then ask him to send a letter to everyone explaining it while taking time off.  Is there a disabled toilet you can use?  Maybe in time you can transfer to a new office in order to start afresh?

Another option is quitting but also maybe volunteering for LGBT switchboard if you live near London. That way you can still do a job you love.

Noah, it's your choice, but I'll be going full-time at work next April (with a major pharmaceutical business in the UK). Due to the wonders of the NHS I won't get to start HRT till the summer, so I'll be living and working for several months before even starting HRT. In the UK we have excellent legal protections, and given your description, it sounds like your employer and colleagues would be supportive. May I suggest speaking in confidence with your HR team to at least understand their policies on bathrooms etc... My own view is that at a time of change, some stability (at work) could be useful. All the best whatever path you take. X

Welcome to Susan's Place. My personal decision would be to stay with the job. It's difficult finding new jobs and the complications of finding a new job might delay your transition. I attempted to to stay with my job but was terminated shortly after coming out. The loss of savings ended up delaying my surgery over a year and it added to the stress by looking for a new job shortly after switching roles. I think it would be best to have a discussion with your management and see what can be worked out because it appears they are looking out for your best interest.

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I would suggest you stay.  A long, well-paying career in a field you love is worth its weight in gold.  A good HR department can make your transition go smoothly.  In modern workplaces, the HR department can take care of informing all 600 employees of your transition, so you don't have to, and giving them sensitivity training, so that you don't have to worry about anyone making inapprropriate comments. 

It is worth it to do work that you love.

I also like to think that by transitioning at work, I'm smoothing the way for the next person there who may also need to go down that path.

Hello

Thank you all very much for your words of wisdom, they are greatly appreciated! It is so great to chat to those more experienced than myself. 

At this moment I time, I feel that my job satisfaction is low, I commute approximately 600 miles a week to and from work, I'm petrified of making mistakes at work, and I have recently started to dread going to work. I have only been in the job 3.5 months and I'm feeling the pressures of trying to learn the job role, and prove myself as well as figuring out things in my own personal life. However these feelings may be coming more apparent due to the huge emotional swings I am feeling right now 

Although my friends and family are very supportive, I don't have a great network of LGBTQ+ friends or friends who have transitioned. However I am planning to attend a meeting set up by ftm London in early Jan, which will hopefully mean that as well as the lovely folks on this forum, that I can chat to those who have gone through this face to face too.

I feel like I am not going to get correctly gendered everywhere I go for a long time yet, I already get stares/looks and comments about whether I am male or female everywhere I go, It's starting to get to the point where I feel unsafe and very uncomfortable in female bathrooms. I would much rather start a new job as Noah and deal with the stares and comments but have people use the correct name and pronouns than people make mistakes with the wrong name and pronouns (due to previously knowing me as female) and still get the stares and comments.  I have a good work ethic, and have worked throughout my education, so if I were to quit, I would whatever job required in order to pay the bills.

Volunteering for the switchboard does sound like an amazing thing to do! Does it matter that I'm not full into transitioning and things like that, in terms of providing experience to other callers etc? I live in West London, so it wouldn't be too far for me to travel

I have an appointment with my GP tomorrow so hopefully I will be able to talk things over with him, and hopefully come away with some clarity, in regard to work and some more general information in how to start the process of transitioning.

meganjames2 - I have a lot of respect for what you just said, I'm just not sure if I'm brave enough to pave the way yet, I'm still working on that!

(I have just realised I can quite peoples comments on this reply - but I've written it now!  )

Thanks,
Noah

Noah, only you can choose, but that sounds like a serious commute! I'm a member of the Cambridge Diamonds TG group, who meet at a pub every week. There are a few Trans-men members who do come along. If you can make it along, anyone is welcome. Good luck whatever you choose.

I've been to ftm London a few times. The group is really friendly and there's even the option for some to go to the pub later to talk some more. I don't like it personally due to it being such a large group and I don't really identify as FTM. I've found ELOP recently which has LGBT groups. I've been 2 times now and like it. They have small groups. There's also London Friend which has a trans group; Islington Mind and Spectrum Support but have yet to go to those. I've also found Transcendence in Southend which I'm going to for the 1st time Sat but I'm guessing that's too far out of your way. You could also look up TAGS which hold swimming and yoga sessions for trans people.

As for the LGBT Switchboard they accept everybody from what I've heard

First off, thank you so much for all your replies on this post, sorry I totally forgot to check it, my brain has been a little upside down recently. Your replies are very much appreciated

A little update - I have decided to resign, I have taken a good few weeks to think about this, and at this moment in time, I don't want things in my personal life affecting my work performance. I feel like it would be irresponsible to continue my employment especially in a job where it is so important to have a clear mind, where my decisions will not only affect myself but will also have a direct impact on others.

I have been very fortunate in that my colleagues and the members of management that know have been so supportive, and would happily have me back if/when I feel like I am ready.

Onward and upward to looking for a new job!

Quote from: Elis on December 13, 2016, 03:31:15 PM
I've been to ftm London a few times. The group is really friendly and there's even the option for some to go to the pub later to talk some more. I don't like it personally due to it being such a large group and I don't really identify as FTM. I've found ELOP recently which has LGBT groups. I've been 2 times now and like it. They have small groups. There's also London Friend which has a trans group; Islington Mind and Spectrum Support but have yet to go to those. I've also found Transcendence in Southend which I'm going to for the 1st time Sat but I'm guessing that's too far out of your way. You could also look up TAGS which hold swimming and yoga sessions for trans people.

As for the LGBT Switchboard they accept everybody from what I've heard

Quote from: meganjames2 on December 13, 2016, 02:23:35 PM
Noah, only you can choose, but that sounds like a serious commute! I'm a member of the Cambridge Diamonds TG group, who meet at a pub every week. There are a few Trans-men members who do come along. If you can make it along, anyone is welcome. Good luck whatever you choose.

Thank you for your suggestions. I'm hoping to get to FTM London, London Friend and a local LGBTQ+ group within the next few weeks. I'm so excited

If you love your job, stick with it.

As far as telling anyone. don't.
Just be  yourself. Don't sweat how anyone else reacts. Just be yourself. Dress however you want. If you change your name, then tell them you changed it, but you do not need to explain why.
Don't worry about the bathroom, half the world doesn't have segregated bathrooms anyhow and they get along fine.

Just be you, let everyone else adapt. People are more accepting that you think.