It sort of sucks, I want to connect with you all, but I still feel far removed.  I think my transition is going to be a rather isolated experience, and that is sad.  I really do wish, someone could hold me by the hand, rub my back, and tell me it is going to be okay through it all, but that is not going to happen

Zamber, I would say you are just still guarded. It's pretty hard to break that wall of emotional protection formed over a lifetime. Give it some time and I think you will start to tear down that wall and find interpersonal connections becoming so much more fulfilling.

Hi Zamber,
   I'm sorry, it sounds like you are a little down. We all get that way from time to time. It took me a while on the site to connect with people. I then found some friends some of whom I have become very close with. Don't get discouraged. If you want to talk, feel free to PM me. You won't always feel this way.
Monica

Usually when we feel isolated from other people and unable to connect it is because we haven't found the right way that works for us.

I say this as a person who sits on the middle of the introvert/extrovert spectrum but I still tend towards being introverted if I don't make the effort to connect with others and some thirty years ago I was very introverted and really struggled to have a conversation with just about anyone. I thought nobody liked me, when in truth they were mostly neutral towards me since I was so distant and cut off from them that they had no reason to like (or dislike) me anyway.

For me the trick was to give up the "nobody cares about me" mentality - of course they did, or they would if I gave them a reason to. So I allowed myself to be more open, to connect more simply by just joining in, sharing and listening. I'm not a fan of idle chit-chat but if that's all that was going then I'd give it a go. And, most importantly, I made sure I took an interest in other people - no point in expecting them to take notice of me and care about me if I wasn't prepared to offer the same courtesy. It's not a one way street after all! It didn't happen overnight but it did happen.

How would you like to connect with other people on the forum? There is moral support here if and when you need it and ask for it.

You all have your ->-bleeped-<- together, you had the strength to go onward, to live your lives, and here I am a complete coward.  I have nothing to offer any of you.  I'm not sophisticated, I'm not pretty, I'm just some loser who has never gotten anywhere in life, and never will. 

You all fought hard to get where you are in life, I have always just existed.  Even my response here is pathetic.

I think I have a hard time connecting with others as well, but I think I've just gotten used to it and don't care a whole lot. Either that or I'm depressed again. Hard to tell.

Quote from: zamber74 on January 02, 2017, 09:50:58 PM
You all fought hard to get where you are in life...

There was a point where I felt like you do now. Depression can play a large role in that and needs to be acknowledged and addressed before you can move forward. Depression makes you feel like everything is pointless and hopeless. If you let it smother you then it's hard to feel like anything is possible. Depression isn't easy to wrestle, at least not initially but as with most things there are ways to cope and deal with it. I hope you are talking to a counsellor or therapist.

Like I said above I had to give up the "woe is me/I'm a loser/I have nothing to offer" mentality before I could move forward. And yeah, I did fight hard to get where I am, because ultimately I knew that not only was no one else going to do it for me, but also that I was worth it.

Quote from: zamber74 on January 02, 2017, 09:50:58 PM
You all have your ->-bleeped-<- together, you had the strength to go onward, to live your lives, and here I am a complete coward.  I have nothing to offer any of you.  I'm not sophisticated, I'm not pretty, I'm just some loser who has never gotten anywhere in life, and never will. 

You all fought hard to get where you are in life, I have always just existed.  Even my response here is pathetic.

You are just starting out. I wasn't always the person I appear to be here. In school I was the class nurd and never had more than three friends at a time. After school ended my life consisted of work and family. One of my therapist said to my face that I was to masculine to pass.

The only person who is a loser is one who doesn't try. If you are willing to work with us, we are willing to work with you. Yes, there are many things to do but all you need to do is pick one and we will start there. In one years time you could be living a much different life if you want it.

I love ya girls, I'm just being a melodramatic fool right now.  Sorry for being this way

I feel that way every day.

I also feel intimidated by the ferocious focus, determination, and accomplishments of the MtF ladies in this forum

I fight feelings of failure, remembering how I faked it and couldn't seem to find my place in life, how I failed at playing a woman's role.

Most women my age are still married to the same husband, have grand kids, live in the same house, work the same job or are retired, attend the same family church, have an honored place in the community and society.

I live alone, in Thailand, teaching ESL, act like some 20-something male, driving a motorbike, hiking cliffs, wading swamps, swimming waves, taking wildlife and bird photos, living a Thai lifestyle, far from my family.

Even when I think I've connected with family members or friends, I've found they expect only certain conventional behavior/talk from me. For that reason, it's often easier to skip contacts.

To understand how a transgender person feels, the other people would have to either be trans themselves or have close friends or relatives who are transgender.
Or be a Thai Buddhist.

Alternatively, one can find neutral activities and subjects with which to engage with others..mutual hobbies, sports, outdoor exercise activities, or even work, etc.

In my case, I'm safe engaging with Thai people because not only do they accept alternative genders, I'm not fluent enough in Thai to discuss gender issues with them, but am forced to stick with common topics.

I'm just spit-balling ideas here but have you ever thought about volunteering?  If one can volunteer and work with people who have a tougher time then sometimes that can give one a different perspective and take one's mind off of one's own problems.  Also, it gets you out of the house and out of yourself. A bad place to be when depressed.

If you aren't good around other people maybe consider volunteering at a local animal shelter.  Lots of stray dogs need people  just to walk them. 

Quote from: Jane Emily on January 03, 2017, 12:55:59 AM
...have you ever thought about volunteering?

That is a great suggestion. My work place has a number of volunteers and I know that a few of them enjoy coming in and doing something that they feel is worthwhile because it gives them some human contact, something to do and helps get them out of a funk. Not all volunteering opportunities pan out for everyone but it's worth considering.

Quote from: zamber74 on January 02, 2017, 09:50:58 PM
You all have your ->-bleeped-<- together, you had the strength to go onward, to live your lives, and here I am a complete coward.  I have nothing to offer any of you.  I'm not sophisticated, I'm not pretty, I'm just some loser who has never gotten anywhere in life, and never will. 

You all fought hard to get where you are in life, I have always just existed.  Even my response here is pathetic.

You're here, aren't you? That isn't cowardice. That's wanting to find a way to move forward, to take the first steps. And believe me when I tell you that perhaps more than anything else, that takes the most courage. It's a far more common path to say "no, it's too hard. I'm just going to push it all back down and hope for the best."

One of the biggest steps you can take in sorting this whole twisted rollercoaster out is to make the decision to join a site like this. To take it from a realm inside your own head and get it out there for the first time. That takes guts. It takes courage.

Sweetie when I first came here, some eight and a half years ago, I was incredibly intimidated by people here. Almost everyone in fact. All these strong, knowledgeable people who had already figured out everything and knew what the deal was. What on earth could I possibly say that hadn't been said a thousand times before?

You know what I realised after a little while? No one has all the answers. Even if they think they do, lol. We've all done things, seen things, felt things that allow us to empathise with and relate to others. Different things. You have a lot to offer. Everyone here does. Even if it's just a hug when someone is feeling down. That can mean the world to people. You don't have to know everything. Who you are counts more than what you know. Your personality, you know? There's nothing wrong with asking questions, needing help with things. Very few people have their... ahem... manure together from the get go. The vast majority have been where you are now.

They got through it, so can you. You have no less strength and capability inside of you than anyone else here. You just have a bit of catch up is all.

Just as a side note - I still get intimidated by some people here. Even now.

*hugs* It will be okay. You've found kindred spirits. Don't apologise for being any way, okay? Just be you. That's the most valuable thing you can bring here.

When you fail to address it for 50 years than you can call yourself pathetic. However, you have acknowledged you have a problem and are seeking help. Half the battle my dear. If you are lucky like me, you will reach a breakthrough before the breakdown that will allow you to reconnect with those you lost as you kept your little secret hidden.

Zamber,
   I have something for you to try. It may seem silly but I really believe it is important. Start talking about yourself in positive terms. You have no mercy in how you talk about yourself. Even if you don't feel it right away, ease up, start talking more positively about yourself. All the people on this site that you give credit to, had to start with a single positive step. Maybe they didn't believe it at first, but they started being positive one small step at a time.
   What would you tell me to do? I could sit hear and say I'm almost 60. I'm old, will never be pretty. My life is almost over. Why try? Everyone will hate me if I come out. Hormones won't work much for me. I won't know how to act as a woman.   (That is just for starters.) Now contrast that with this. I am likeable, many people will stick with me. I am only 59 and I have the best years ahead of me. I'm going to enjoy every damn day I can as a woman. I will learn all the things I need to because I have awesome trans friends who will help me when I need it. I feel good when I no longer let fear rule me.
   Now tell me please, Zamber, Hon, what approach would you have me do? Don't tell me I am brave and you are not.  I was a scared little rabbit for 50 years. We aren't different. You just have to hit the point where you say negativity is making me miserable, and I have nothing to lose by trying the other option.
   Monica

Quote from: HappyMoni on January 03, 2017, 07:53:34 PM
Zamber,
   I have something for you to try. It may seem silly but I really believe it is important. Start talking about yourself in positive terms. You have no mercy in how you talk about yourself. Even if you don't feel it right away, ease up, start talking more positively about yourself. All the people on this site that you give credit to, had to start with a single positive step. Maybe they didn't believe it at first, but they started being positive one small step at a time.
   What would you tell me to do? I could sit hear and say I'm almost 60. I'm old, will never be pretty. My life is almost over. Why try? Everyone will hate me if I come out. Hormones won't work much for me. I won't know how to act as a woman.   (That is just for starters.) Now contrast that with this. I am likeable, many people will stick with me. I am only 59 and I have the best years ahead of me. I'm going to enjoy every damn day I can as a woman. I will learn all the things I need to because I have awesome trans friends who will help me when I need it. I feel good when I no longer let fear rule me.
   Now tell me please, Zamber, Hon, what approach would you have me do? Don't tell me I am brave and you are not.  I was a scared little rabbit for 50 years. We aren't different. You just have to hit the point where you say negativity is making me miserable, and I have nothing to lose by trying the other option.
   Monica

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

Quote from: Jane Emily on January 03, 2017, 12:55:59 AM
I'm just spit-balling ideas here but have you ever thought about volunteering?  If one can volunteer and work with people who have a tougher time then sometimes that can give one a different perspective and take one's mind off of one's own problems.  Also, it gets you out of the house and out of yourself. A bad place to be when depressed.

If you aren't good around other people maybe consider volunteering at a local animal shelter.  Lots of stray dogs need people  just to walk them.

I might give the animal shelter a try, I did work for a charity for a while, and it really sucked, because it was religious based.  An animal shelter would be a better deal I am sure, thank you for the advice.

Quote from: DawnOday on January 03, 2017, 02:43:57 PM
When you fail to address it for 50 years than you can call yourself pathetic. However, you have acknowledged you have a problem and are seeking help. Half the battle my dear. If you are lucky like me, you will reach a breakthrough before the breakdown that will allow you to reconnect with those you lost as you kept your little secret hidden.

I am pretty pathetic Dawn, I failed pretty bad as a guy.  I mean, really badly, like a minimum wage earner 40 something year old, who could not make it through the military, I have done pretty lousy.  I'm a loser, through and through.. bleh, enough self pity!  Thank you for your support  though, I do appreciate it.

Quote from: Sephirah on January 03, 2017, 01:04:09 PM
You're here, aren't you? That isn't cowardice. That's wanting to find a way to move forward, to take the first steps. And believe me when I tell you that perhaps more than anything else, that takes the most courage. It's a far more common path to say "no, it's too hard. I'm just going to push it all back down and hope for the best."

One of the biggest steps you can take in sorting this whole twisted rollercoaster out is to make the decision to join a site like this. To take it from a realm inside your own head and get it out there for the first time. That takes guts. It takes courage.

Sweetie when I first came here, some eight and a half years ago, I was incredibly intimidated by people here. Almost everyone in fact. All these strong, knowledgeable people who had already figured out everything and knew what the deal was. What on earth could I possibly say that hadn't been said a thousand times before?

You know what I realised after a little while? No one has all the answers. Even if they think they do, lol. We've all done things, seen things, felt things that allow us to empathise with and relate to others. Different things. You have a lot to offer. Everyone here does. Even if it's just a hug when someone is feeling down. That can mean the world to people. You don't have to know everything. Who you are counts more than what you know. Your personality, you know? There's nothing wrong with asking questions, needing help with things. Very few people have their... ahem... manure together from the get go. The vast majority have been where you are now.

They got through it, so can you. You have no less strength and capability inside of you than anyone else here. You just have a bit of catch up is all.

Just as a side note - I still get intimidated by some people here. Even now.

*hugs* It will be okay. You've found kindred spirits. Don't apologise for being any way, okay? Just be you. That's the most valuable thing you can bring here.

You are like an angel, I swear to goddess.  You know how to make a person feel good.  Thank you so much! 

Quote from: Raell on January 02, 2017, 11:38:45 PM
I feel that way every day.

I also feel intimidated by the ferocious focus, determination, and accomplishments of the MtF ladies in this forum

I fight feelings of failure, remembering how I faked it and couldn't seem to find my place in life, how I failed at playing a woman's role.

Most women my age are still married to the same husband, have grand kids, live in the same house, work the same job or are retired, attend the same family church, have an honored place in the community and society.

I live alone, in Thailand, teaching ESL, act like some 20-something male, driving a motorbike, hiking cliffs, wading swamps, swimming waves, taking wildlife and bird photos, living a Thai lifestyle, far from my family.

Even when I think I've connected with family members or friends, I've found they expect only certain conventional behavior/talk from me. For that reason, it's often easier to skip contacts.

To understand how a transgender person feels, the other people would have to either be trans themselves or have close friends or relatives who are transgender.
Or be a Thai Buddhist.

Alternatively, one can find neutral activities and subjects with which to engage with others..mutual hobbies, sports, outdoor exercise activities, or even work, etc.

In my case, I'm safe engaging with Thai people because not only do they accept alternative genders, I'm not fluent enough in Thai to discuss gender issues with them, but am forced to stick with common topics.

I wish I had a friend like you in real life.