A part of me is afraid to start HRT, because in my relationships I feel like Atlas and if I'm weak the world will fall. Afterwards, though, I think, "I wouldn't turn into a baby and half of the people I respect the most are women, so if HRT would optimize my mood and therefore the positive impact I can have, then it's what I should do and **** the miserable, bigoted and jealous people of the world."

Nonetheless, since I'm not sure if my mental toughness is significantly due to my chemistry, or just a facade to block my insecurities, or an immutable part of me, I'm afraid to lose myself and be replaced by a stranger that can't protect those they care about. So, while I know that not being who you are is a terrible idea, I want to ask you, does HRT make you feel like an entirely different person, not very different, just a little happier overall, immediately at ease, a little awkward at first, natural, more/less gentle, more/less assertive, and/or something else?

Please be brutally honest.

If anything I was able to lose the charade and the facade and become the person who I knew myself to be. I didn't have to worry about becoming a stranger, I merely stopped living as one.

I can't give you any answers, but I absolutely have those same concerns. Even though it may not be the case, I'm terribly afraid of losing the ability to protect my loved ones, of going from the "protector" to the "protected".

I feel like the same person but without the anger, depression, and constant need to remain vigilant about maintaining a macho act.


It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not.
André Gide, Autumn Leaves

Apparently, based upon this thread and others I'm in the minority.  Yes, I'm a totally different person.  Some was hormones related some was just being true to myself.

I was actually starting to dislike the person I had become and was becoming.  Immediately after I came out to the first two people everything started to change.  Political views, acceptance of others, not being such an a*****e... 

After exactly two months on hormones I'm always happy.  Always forgiving / understanding.  I don't consider any of this as a bad thing.  I see it as a total improvement. 

My relationships with everyone I know has improved.  I'm not as inflexible as before and basically not filled with testosterone anger any more.

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Quote from: autumn08 on January 03, 2017, 05:12:29 AM
I want to ask you, does HRT make you feel like an entirely different person, not very different, just a little happier overall, immediately at ease, a little awkward at first, natural, more/less gentle, more/less assertive, and/or something else?

Please be brutally honest.

Yes. Difficult to describe because I didn't expect much change but I have to admit the mental difference has been huge. Maybe not to people around me, they can't notice all the subtle changes inside, but I have.

Effect was immediate, from day 1-2. I wasn't actually keen to begin, and put it off a couple days after getting signed off on hormones because obviously the changes are irreversible and I was skeptical they would do anything for me mentally. I was wrong.

I feel 200% better, like something has taken the edge off, less awkward, less anxious, less preoccupied, less angry, less weak, and many other things. I don't believe it's any sort of mental placebo effect - I think it's genuinely the effect of HRT on the brain (granted T and not E, probably has different mental effects for our different situations).

Honestly it's the best thing I've done for myself. Wish I had done it much sooner.

It's not changed my base personality much, I still like the same things, still think in roughly the same way; but the approach I take and the attitude I have to things is much improved. My perception and my conscience is clearer.

I'm the same person, just happier and centered. HRT let me relax and find inner peace, removing the mental "noise" that had kept me in a permanent state of depression for decades.

I'm happier now.

Therapy helped me dismantle the male persona that I hid behind for decades. A few others miss that persona, but it wasn't me, just a false front used to keep others at a distance. It was almost too good at that. 


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I don't really qualify to answer, since I've not taken hormones and don't plan to transition anyway since I'm non-binary partial transmale, but today I remembered my life before I realized I was suppressing a male persona. I remember that people were constantly asking me why I was angry. I couldn't understand why they kept asking me that, and had no answer.

Since I realized what I am and started taking herbs that blend my gender sides, giving me relief from dysphoria, plus when I acknowledged my male side, most of that anger seems to be gone.

Thank you for your responses, everyone!

It seems the consensus is that HRT has made you a better, happier and more real person.

However, does anyone feel they have lost some of their competing positive masculine/feminine qualities, such as assertiveness/gentleness, protectiveness/lightheartedness, etc..., or has your spectrum just expanded rather than shifted?

Is anyone less sure that on balance they have become a better person?

Autumn,
   I really like this question. I am very much a different person after 18 months HRT. Like others have said, I am happier. I am kinder and more emotional. I am more vulnerable because of the heightened emotions. I am less aggressive and way less angry. I don't see that as a negative. Much of the anger and aggressiveness was detrimental to my physical and mental  health. (Why do woman live longer?)
  I would say that HRT opens up your possibilities only. I believe that if you want to keep a certain attribute you have in male mode, you can certainly make sure it stays. I wouldn't run from HRT for this reason. I should introduce you to my family. The toughest, strongest willed family members are woman. Don't mistake femininity for weakness. There is no difference in protectiveness, before and after HRT.
Monica

It's true that if you reduce your testosterone, you will lose physical strength and muscle mass, but remember that even cis women can work out and become strong.

If you take on the appearance of a cis woman and dress in femme clothing, you may appear vulnerable to male predators, however. But if you take self-defense classes..classes often taken by cis women, so don't involve massive amounts of strength, and follow safety rules, travel with others, carry a pepper spray gun (they have them!),  you can still protect your loved ones.

For that matter, your loved ones could watch a few self-defense techniques videos and practice, as well.

A study of sexual predators found that they typically target:

1. women with long hair, making it easy to grab their hair and control them.

2. women walking while talking on their phones, thus unaware of approaching danger.

3. women who jump into their cars in the parking lot, then sit and write lists and do other things, since the predator can hop into the passenger seat and pull a gun on them. Get in, lock your door, drive away.

4. women wearing girly dresses and skirts, that make it easier to rape them

5. women wearing shoes that make it impossible to run

The predators said they avoid:

1. women who stride with confidence and strength, wearing clothing that allows action, such as running away

2. have short hair

3. carry anything in their hands that could be used as a weapon, such as an umbrella

4. who pull out pepper spray

5. who scream

6. who indicate they are going to fight back.

They prefer moving on to easier targets than going to extra trouble.


Denise also posted this link to safety tips recommended by police, in another post:

http://channel955.iheart.com/articles/trending-104650/written-by-a-cop-everyone-should-15411387/

Quote from: HappyMoni on January 03, 2017, 08:21:02 PM
I believe that if you want to keep a certain attribute you have in male mode, you can certainly make sure it stays.

Thank you for your response, Monica. If you wanted to, do you believe you could be the same person you were 18 months ago, except happier and kinder?

Quote from: Raell on January 03, 2017, 08:57:03 PM
It's true that if you reduce your testosterone, you will lose physical strength and muscle mass, but remember that even cis women can work out and become strong.

Thank you for all of the information, Raell. The strength that I'm concerned about losing isn't physical, though, but mental.

I'll give you an example from my life of what I mean. Yesterday, I walked into a room and someone began frantically interrogating me. After I understood them, I reassured them with a few resolute words and with the subtext, "if you want to do this, I'm happy to, but you're going to lose," and then they backed down and walked away.

I'm afraid to lose this will to fight and instead reacting to this type of situation in a catty, or sugary way. Those closest to me depend on me to be calm, rational and unwavering, and to lead them out of the darkest times. As my mom told me, she's afraid to lose her knight in shinning armor.

Of course, there are countless women stronger than me. It's just that since this is a defining and important part of me, I'm particularly afraid to lose it.

Now that I think about it, I also think I'm afraid to be happy. I'm afraid it will make me careless, even though the past suggests that it would make me more productive. Interesting...

Quote from: autumn08 on January 04, 2017, 04:30:29 AM
Thank you for your response, Monica. If you wanted to, do you believe you could be the same person you were 18 months ago, except happier and kinder?

Autumn for me the answer is no.  But I wouldn't want to be that person and in reality I didn't want to be that person.

I'm a much better human being.  Please don't worry about losing yourself.  Transition is all about being the person you should have been all along.  That's why it's called transition.  It's not only the body changes it's also the mental ones.

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Quote from: autumn08 on January 03, 2017, 07:47:01 PM
Thank you for your responses, everyone!

It seems the consensus is that HRT has made you a better, happier and more real person.

However, does anyone feel they have lost some of their competing positive masculine/feminine qualities, such as assertiveness/gentleness, protectiveness/lightheartedness, etc..., or has your spectrum just expanded rather than shifted?

Is anyone less sure that on balance they have become a better person?

I think a person can have a balance of those things if they want to. It's just a case of being mindful of yourself and steering yourself in the right directions mentally and consciously.

I could assume things like sensitivity and empathy are automatically "good" things, but in my previous life experience they actually didn't do a whole lot in terms of making life better or bringing more opportunities. Obviously some is better than none at all, but having a lot of such things was actually detrimental to me.

So I wouldn't say being more closed off and insulated from emotions is likely to make me less of a better person. Morals haven't changed, but I might suffer less. And that will probably make me less bitter and generally just nicer to be around.

The things I have learned while on HRT are like my sense of humor these days, does not begin in the gutter as often. I consider other peoples perspective far more often than I used to. I have learned you can accomplish a lot of things with a smile rather than a frown.. It's not all rainbows and unicorns but it's nice to be nice. I was never masculine in the sense of massive muscles, aggressiveness as I never had those traits. The thing that made me masculine is that I was able to procreate two beautiful, healthy, happy, citizens. And my fluctuating size 14-15 feet

Quote from: autumn08 on January 04, 2017, 04:30:29 AM
Thank you for your response, Monica. If you wanted to, do you believe you could be the same person you were 18 months ago, except happier and kinder?

Autumn,
   You ask a tough question because I really don't want to be that person anymore. I think, though, that if I had a characteristic that could conceivably disappear with transitioning, I could keep it intact. You must consider motivation. If you are motivated to be strong for your family, you will still be strong because your motivation to do so will make it happen. We are not enslaved by the hormonal changes from HRT. It changes us because it opens doors never available before. We decide to step through the door and make changes because we want them.
   You said you are strong and that helps those around you. I understand that. Do you sense any negative impact on those around you because you are not happy with yourself? Maybe it doesn't have to be a choice between the two. It occurs to me to ask (no offense). Are you afraid of losing your ability to protect (emphasis on them) or are you afraid of losing the image of yourself as "male protector" (emphasis on how you see yourself)? Would you miss the "male protector" image if you could successfully be "female protector?"
Monica

Autumn,

For me, HRT (estrogens) didn't take away any key components of who I was.  Rather, it expanded my possibilities.  If you are strong-minded now, you will still be strong-minded, but now you might also be more emotionally responsive as well.  Now, I don't consider it "weak-minded" to have a crying jag, for example -- but it does mean taking some time out to attend to emotional needs.  However, this also makes it easier for to provide that kind of space and empathy for others who are going through a similar situation, allowing one to "shine" with greater efficacy, in my opinion. 

So, to take your example of an "interrogation" -- it depends on context; if it was someone whose relationship I valued, I might have been open to exploring the subtext behind it.  For an antagonist, no, though I'd probably be a bit more shaken after such an incident, but I still have no problem shutting down people I want to exclude from my life. Nor has my "rationality" been compromised, but now I'm more open-minded and intuitive about what other people really want, for themselves and from me, and so I hope I'm more creative about meeting said needs in a way that doesn't compromise myself. 

Emotions precede consciousness, and hence precede reason.  In fact, without emotions, there's no reason to even have reason, for it's our emotions that determine what we find good and not so good in the world (by and large -- obviously, something like heroin can short-circuit our faculties).  Reason and rationality are simply tools for getting us what we want.  So it's very much to our advantage to be able to identify and work with our emotions as quickly as possible -- as long as they're not overwhelming (like Kylo described). 

Quote from: Denise on January 04, 2017, 07:08:22 AM
Autumn for me the answer is no.  But I wouldn't want to be that person and in reality I didn't want to be that person.

I'm a much better human being.  Please don't worry about losing yourself.  Transition is all about being the person you should have been all along.  That's why it's called transition.  It's not only the body changes it's also the mental ones.

Sent from my LG-H820 using Tapatalk

Thank you, Denise.

The thought that HRT would just more closely align me with myself, creates a much more welcoming perspective, because since my wants would remain intact, then there wouldn't be a reason to fear losing anything that I don't want to lose.

Quote from: Kylo on January 04, 2017, 08:54:42 AM
I think a person can have a balance of those things if they want to. It's just a case of being mindful of yourself and steering yourself in the right directions mentally and consciously.

I could assume things like sensitivity and empathy are automatically "good" things, but in my previous life experience they actually didn't do a whole lot in terms of making life better or bringing more opportunities. Obviously some is better than none at all, but having a lot of such things was actually detrimental to me.

So I wouldn't say being more closed off and insulated from emotions is likely to make me less of a better person. Morals haven't changed, but I might suffer less. And that will probably make me less bitter and generally just nicer to be around.

Thank you, Kylo.

It's interesting to see things from your perspective. In my position, I'm afraid HRT would increase my sensitivity and thus make me more negligent, but if I was in your position, I would be afraid HRT would decrease my sensitivity and thus make me more negligent.

Rather than altering who you are, would you say that HRT gives you greater control over who you are?