This is it in a nutshell. I'm still me and always will be, but just not the numb and nearly existing person anymore. Hugs
Mariah

Quote from: Ms Grace on January 03, 2017, 05:17:05 AM
If anything I was able to lose the charade and the facade and become the person who I knew myself to be. I didn't have to worry about becoming a stranger, I merely stopped living as one.

Quote from: HappyMoni on January 04, 2017, 07:45:06 PM
You ask a tough question because I really don't want to be that person anymore. I think, though, that if I had a characteristic that could conceivably disappear with transitioning, I could keep it intact. You must consider motivation. If you are motivated to be strong for your family, you will still be strong because your motivation to do so will make it happen. We are not enslaved by the hormonal changes from HRT. It changes us because it opens doors never available before. We decide to step through the door and make changes because we want them.

That's wonderful to hear. So, your motivations haven't changed? You have the same internal navigation, just more options?

Quote from: HappyMoni on January 04, 2017, 07:45:06 PM
You said you are strong and that helps those around you. I understand that. Do you sense any negative impact on those around you because you are not happy with yourself?

Yeah. I'm good at being focused on the long term, but doing so often leaves little joy to infuse in the lives of my loved ones in the short term.

Quote from: HappyMoni on January 04, 2017, 07:45:06 PM
Are you afraid of losing your ability to protect (emphasis on them) or are you afraid of losing the image of yourself as "male protector" (emphasis on how you see yourself)? Would you miss the "male protector" image if you could successfully be "female protector?"
Monica

Both. The universe is deterministic, but we still experience free will, so it's frightening for me to think about changing without my consent.

However, if I wouldn't lose the option of keeping my masculinity and the female protector would be as good as the male protector, then I would have no fear about being a female protector.

My situation is kind of like the situation my cat from childhood had. It would sometimes endlessly meow at the front door, but as soon as you opened the door, it suddenly became circumspect. It didn't care as much about going outside, as it did having the option.

Thank you, Sophia.

Quote from: Sophia Sage on January 04, 2017, 10:11:55 PM
For me, HRT (estrogens) didn't take away any key components of who I was.  Rather, it expanded my possibilities.  If you are strong-minded now, you will still be strong-minded, but now you might also be more emotionally responsive as well.  Now, I don't consider it "weak-minded" to have a crying jag, for example -- but it does mean taking some time out to attend to emotional needs.  However, this also makes it easier for to provide that kind of space and empathy for others who are going through a similar situation, allowing one to "shine" with greater efficacy, in my opinion. 

I agree. This is how I was able to morally justify transitioning. I realized that it wouldn't just improve my life, but would on balance improve the lives of others.

Quote from: Sophia Sage on January 04, 2017, 10:11:55 PM
So, to take your example of an "interrogation" -- it depends on context; if it was someone whose relationship I valued, I might have been open to exploring the subtext behind it.  For an antagonist, no, though I'd probably be a bit more shaken after such an incident, but I still have no problem shutting down people I want to exclude from my life. Nor has my "rationality" been compromised, but now I'm more open-minded and intuitive about what other people really want, for themselves and from me, and so I hope I'm more creative about meeting said needs in a way that doesn't compromise myself.   

So, your tools for handling situations have increased, but your intention in those situations has remained the same?

Quote from: Sophia Sage on January 04, 2017, 10:11:55 PM
Emotions precede consciousness, and hence precede reason.  In fact, without emotions, there's no reason to even have reason, for it's our emotions that determine what we find good and not so good in the world (by and large -- obviously, something like heroin can short-circuit our faculties).  Reason and rationality are simply tools for getting us what we want.  So it's very much to our advantage to be able to identify and work with our emotions as quickly as possible -- as long as they're not overwhelming (like Kylo described). 

This seems to be the common theme. The either increased or decreased sensitivity from HRT doesn't cause self-betrayal, but rather pre-HRT was causing self-betrayal.

The whole transition for me has been two fold.  First to get the body inline with the brain.  The second thing is the OPPORTUNITY to remake myself into the person I know I can be.

This is my excuse to lose and explain why, at times, I was a jerk/uncaring/inconsiderate/... That was Dan, this is Denise. 
As an adult I have the opportunity to create an entirely new persona.  I'm keeping the parts that I like and ditching the parts I don't like.

Sent from my LG-H820 using Tapatalk

Autumn, My thoughts on this after 4 months of HRT. There are dual answers to the question. I am the same person in that I have not noticed any changes in regards to being less competitive, I can still be assertive when needed, motivation, and will power have remained as before. Physically I continue to work out and have not noticed any change in endurance, or strength as of yet. I am a different person in that my anger has subsided substantially, the bitterness in my life has been removed and replaced with a feeling of I am finally aligning my physical being with my mental being. I have always been more emotional than most, that has only become more so. Physically the changes have been slow and only recently have I started to notice subtle differences in that my breasts have become sore and tender, and I sweat less now than before when working out. In closing, personally I am not a different person but a better person, and finally aligning body and mind as one. Hopefully my thoughts and what others have posted will help you going forward and give you the direction and clarity that you desire. Take care

Quote from: autumn08 on January 05, 2017, 05:48:37 AMSo, your tools for handling situations have increased, but your intention in those situations has remained the same?

Hmm... that's a tricky question, actually.

I would definitely say my intentions have shifted.  Not because of HRT, necessarily, but because of transition as a whole.  Like, one my ongoing intentions throughout transition was to elicit female gendering, to alleviate my dysphoria.  That's pretty self-centered, but it was also crucial for my well being.  And sometimes that intention would conflict with other intentions, like, say, pleasing my parents, because they didn't like the negative feedback I'd give them (out of my own necessity) after a misgendering incident. 

Now, take a work-related situation.  Before, I might be looking at something as a problem to be solved, and trying to come up with an optimal solution to it, which might lead to a battle of wills with someone else as to what procedures to implement.  After HRT and transition, I approach such situations differently -- I'm also looking at the interpersonal dynamics involved, and so I'm often more willing to defer if it's not a "critical" procedure and I perceive that maintaining interpersonal harmony among my colleagues is more important. 

(Frankly, sometimes the desire to implement a "best solution" is really a desire for self-aggrandizement.  Which is still, actually, something I struggle to do better at -- mitigating my arrogance, I mean.)

What you really need to ask yourself, though, is in the end how do you feel about being gendered male, and how you feel about being gendered female?  If male gendering makes you dysphoric, and female gendering makes you happy, then you're in all likelihood going to do this, because that makes it very compelling to move forward with transition and all that implies -- hormones, social presentation, surgery, and the like.  I do believe we have to be true to ourselves, when all is said and done. 

Transition is going to change you.  That's the point.

Quote from: Denise on January 05, 2017, 07:46:29 AM
The whole transition for me has been two fold.  First to get the body inline with the brain.  The second thing is the OPPORTUNITY to remake myself into the person I know I can be.

This is my excuse to lose and explain why, at times, I was a jerk/uncaring/inconsiderate/... That was Dan, this is Denise. 
As an adult I have the opportunity to create an entirely new persona.  I'm keeping the parts that I like and ditching the parts I don't like.

Sent from my LG-H820 using Tapatalk

Thank you!

Quote from: Denni on January 05, 2017, 08:55:37 AM
Autumn, My thoughts on this after 4 months of HRT. There are dual answers to the question. I am the same person in that I have not noticed any changes in regards to being less competitive, I can still be assertive when needed, motivation, and will power have remained as before. Physically I continue to work out and have not noticed any change in endurance, or strength as of yet. I am a different person in that my anger has subsided substantially, the bitterness in my life has been removed and replaced with a feeling of I am finally aligning my physical being with my mental being. I have always been more emotional than most, that has only become more so. Physically the changes have been slow and only recently have I started to notice subtle differences in that my breasts have become sore and tender, and I sweat less now than before when working out. In closing, personally I am not a different person but a better person, and finally aligning body and mind as one. Hopefully my thoughts and what others have posted will help you going forward and give you the direction and clarity that you desire. Take care

Thank you, Denni.

Looking through everyone's perspective has allowed me to envisage how HRT could affect my life, which is easing my fear of the unknown, and my melodramatic fear of being replaced by a bubbly cheerleader.

My current estimate is that HRT will cause pros and cons, just like not having HRT will cause pros and cons. HRT will probably make it easier for me to help others, but since it took a lot of work for me to be able to demand more for myself in return, I'll probably need to be extra vigilant of not regressing.

On balance, I think HRT will be worth the costs, but I think it might be unrealistic not to expect some trial and error, and some need for adjustment by everyone. Just like in my life now, though, I'll do my best to remain in the driver's seat, in order to keep my life on the trajectory I want it on.

Quote from: Sophia Sage on January 05, 2017, 10:25:37 AM
Hmm... that's a tricky question, actually.

I would definitely say my intentions have shifted.  Not because of HRT, necessarily, but because of transition as a whole.  Like, one my ongoing intentions throughout transition was to elicit female gendering, to alleviate my dysphoria.  That's pretty self-centered, but it was also crucial for my well being.  And sometimes that intention would conflict with other intentions, like, say, pleasing my parents, because they didn't like the negative feedback I'd give them (out of my own necessity) after a misgendering incident. 

Now, take a work-related situation.  Before, I might be looking at something as a problem to be solved, and trying to come up with an optimal solution to it, which might lead to a battle of wills with someone else as to what procedures to implement.  After HRT and transition, I approach such situations differently -- I'm also looking at the interpersonal dynamics involved, and so I'm often more willing to defer if it's not a "critical" procedure and I perceive that maintaining interpersonal harmony among my colleagues is more important. 

(Frankly, sometimes the desire to implement a "best solution" is really a desire for self-aggrandizement.  Which is still, actually, something I struggle to do better at -- mitigating my arrogance, I mean.)

What you really need to ask yourself, though, is in the end how do you feel about being gendered male, and how you feel about being gendered female?  If male gendering makes you dysphoric, and female gendering makes you happy, then you're in all likelihood going to do this, because that makes it very compelling to move forward with transition and all that implies -- hormones, social presentation, surgery, and the like.  I do believe we have to be true to ourselves, when all is said and done. 

Transition is going to change you.  That's the point.

When I was a kid, trying too hard to maintain social harmony was a weakness of mine, which I think is a large factor as to why I'm so paranoid about potentially becoming more conciliatory. So, while I like being seen as female, I hope I'll be willing to reject fitting in with females while on HRT, just as I'm willing to reject fitting in with males now. In order to keep my integrity, I hope I'll be able to mitigate increased sensitivity, with increased confidence (not that there's anything wrong with being more sensitive; I just don't think being less able to mitigate it is in my interest).

Like all people, I'm guility of arrogance, but I'm relatively happy with the current balance I've achieved and would want to keep it as I transition. Post-HRT, has your concept of what a good balance is shifted, or remained the same?

Quote from: autumn08 on January 05, 2017, 10:34:43 PMWhen I was a kid, trying too hard to maintain social harmony was a weakness of mine, which I think is a large factor as to why I'm so paranoid about potentially becoming more conciliatory.

There's nothing weak about maintaining social harmony.  Trying too hard, however, because one lacks the skills, sure, but the weakness there is lack of skill, or perhaps lacking understanding what "social harmony" actually entails, not the intention itself.  I think my ability to generate social harmony has improved, because I'm more emotionally cognizant, but it's not something I'd say I'm particularly good at.  It is, however, something that's become more important to me.

Conciliation isn't about giving up your integrity.  It's about recognizing the values and needs of other people, people you care about, and finding ways to meet those as you come to recognize what things that aren't as important to you as the emotional well-being of other people -- and what matters so much to yourself that it must take precedence.  Being on HRT has kind of made that easier, because (at least for me) the erasure of testosterone and the introduction of estrogen and progesterone unlocked my emotions, my empathy, and ultimately my own understanding of myself.

QuoteSo, while I like being seen as female, I hope I'll be willing to reject fitting in with females while on HRT, just as I'm willing to reject fitting in with males now. In order to keep my integrity, I hope I'll be able to mitigate increased sensitivity, with increased confidence (not that there's anything wrong with being more sensitive; I just don't think being less able to mitigate it is in my interest).

You might want to ask yourself what you can do to facilitate fitting in with other women -- rather than rejecting the culture into which you seek to become a part of.  Obviously, female culture is quite varied and there's no cookie-cutter approach.  Lesbian culture, for example, has very different values than Christian moms than hippie pagans and so on.  So there's also the matter of discerning which female sub-culture suits you best.

But if there's one thing that we'd find prevalent in all female cultures, it's empathy, and in particular relying on empathy when it comes to moral decision making.  For most of us going in this direction, I think HRT increases empathy, and as such can have some far-reaching changes in how we conduct our lives. (Not to say there aren't women who lack empathy, but they tend to be pariahs and scorned and rightly so, in my opinion.)

As I said before, be prepared to change. Transition is about change. And you're not going to be able to predict what's going to change and what isn't going to change. If you're truly female in spirit, then you've been living a lie all your life, with a great deal of repression, so it can be very surprising to find out what's really buried deep inside you once that spirit gets free reign. 

It definitely helps to let go. 

QuoteLike all people, I'm guility of arrogance, but I'm relatively happy with the current balance I've achieved and would want to keep it as I transition. Post-HRT, has your concept of what a good balance is shifted, or remained the same?

My concept of what constitutes a "good balance" has definitely changed.  Because my "self" has fundamentally changed, and hence my sense of integrity has changed as well.  For the better in some ways, and not so much in others.  I certainly judge myself more harshly now, if only because I'm much more adept at recognizing my mistakes. 

Who I thought I was twenty years ago is dead now.  That consciousness is barely a faint smear of memory.  And that took letting go, giving up control, and going with the flow.  Not to say I don't exercise a tremendous amount of control in my life at this point, but the "I" in control is someone different, someone new... and yet someone who was here all along, and who constructed a false self, an idealized ego, to make my way through the world while I slept until I recognized that the time was right to wake up and take my place in the world. 

Do not try to "keep" anything if you really want to go all the way in transition.  Put everything on the table, and trust in the process.

Quote from: Sophia Sage on January 06, 2017, 12:02:14 AM
There's nothing weak about maintaining social harmony.

I didn't mean that maintaining social harmony is weak (inconsequential), but that I had a weakness (I was overly inclined) to try too hard to maintain social harmony.

Quote from: Sophia Sage on January 06, 2017, 12:02:14 AM
Trying too hard, however, because one lacks the skills, sure, but the weakness there is lack of skill, or perhaps lacking understanding what "social harmony" actually entails, not the intention itself.  I think my ability to generate social harmony has improved, because I'm more emotionally cognizant, but it's not something I'd say I'm particularly good at.  It is, however, something that's become more important to me.

I wasn't trying too hard because I couldn't meet my quota, but because of empathy, wanting people to like me and deficient self worth.

Also, we have a different definition of maintaining social harmony. I think your definition is to promote the ultimate good of humanity. My definition includes someone saying the "n word" and you laughing along with the crowd.

Quote from: Sophia Sage on January 06, 2017, 12:02:14 AM
Conciliation isn't about giving up your integrity.  It's about recognizing the values and needs of other people, people you care about, and finding ways to meet those as you come to recognize what things that aren't as important to you as the emotional well-being of other people -- and what matters so much to yourself that it must take precedence.  Being on HRT has kind of made that easier, because (at least for me) the erasure of testosterone and the introduction of estrogen and progesterone unlocked my emotions, my empathy, and ultimately my own understanding of myself.

We have a different definition of conciliatory. I think your definition is to find balance between selfishness and selflessness. When taken too far, my definition is to appease at the expense of what is right, which I hope unlocking "my emotions, my empathy, and ultimately my own understanding of myself" won't make me do more of.

Also, since we have different definitions of conciliatory, I think you misunderstood what I meant by keeping integrity. I meant someone saying the "n word," but this time you not laughing along with the crowd.

Quote from: Sophia Sage on January 06, 2017, 12:02:14 AM
You might want to ask yourself what you can do to facilitate fitting in with other women -- rather than rejecting the culture into which you seek to become a part of.  Obviously, female culture is quite varied and there's no cookie-cutter approach.  Lesbian culture, for example, has very different values than Christian moms than hippie pagans and so on.  So there's also the matter of discerning which female sub-culture suits you best.

But if there's one thing that we'd find prevalent in all female cultures, it's empathy, and in particular relying on empathy when it comes to moral decision making.  For most of us going in this direction, I think HRT increases empathy, and as such can have some far-reaching changes in how we conduct our lives. (Not to say there aren't women who lack empathy, but they tend to be pariahs and scorned and rightly so, in my opinion.)

I'm open to taking from female cultures a la carte, but I don't like making concessions for the sake of fitting in.

I can see your point, though, as I may be coming across as someone trying to remain a guy, but what I'm really afraid of is becoming someone I don't want to become.

Quote from: Sophia Sage on January 06, 2017, 12:02:14 AM
As I said before, be prepared to change. Transition is about change. And you're not going to be able to predict what's going to change and what isn't going to change.

It definitely helps to let go. 

Do not try to "keep" anything if you really want to go all the way in transition.  Put everything on the table, and trust in the process.

If letting go liberates what's already there, then I'm not worried, but if letting go creates something new, then I'm worried.

Quote from: Sophia Sage on January 06, 2017, 12:02:14 AM
If you're truly female in spirit, then you've been living a lie all your life, with a great deal of repression, so it can be very surprising to find out what's really buried deep inside you once that spirit gets free reign. 

I'm definitely repressing some femininity, but otherwise my mind feels lucid and organized, so I don't feel like I'm living a lie. I'm sure I'll experience surprises, though, and I'm gradually giving "that spirit" more free rein, but I'm just making sure that it doesn't knock over the china on the way out.

Quote from: Sophia Sage on January 06, 2017, 12:02:14 AM
My concept of what constitutes a "good balance" has definitely changed.  Because my "self" has fundamentally changed, and hence my sense of integrity has changed as well.  For the better in some ways, and not so much in others.  I certainly judge myself more harshly now, if only because I'm much more adept at recognizing my mistakes. 

Who I thought I was twenty years ago is dead now.  That consciousness is barely a faint smear of memory.  And that took letting go, giving up control, and going with the flow.  Not to say I don't exercise a tremendous amount of control in my life at this point, but the "I" in control is someone different, someone new... and yet someone who was here all along, and who constructed a false self, an idealized ego, to make my way through the world while I slept until I recognized that the time was right to wake up and take my place in the world. 

Maybe the reason for your drastic change is that you were as you say, "a false self," or maybe this is just how consequential transition normally is. What do you think?

When I look back 20 years, I can say that 7 year old me is dead, but if I started HRT, I wouldn't want 30 year old me to say 27 year old me is dead. How did you feel 3 years after starting HRT?

I think the question if we feel the same after the HRT. Im not on HRT yet, but if you asked me whether I recognised the person I used to be a year ago I would say no.

People are changing continuously as their experience grows...and HRT is in my opinion a life changing experience. Gotta say experience I'm looking forward to.

Odoslané z Moto G (4) pomocou Tapatalku

Quote from: SidneyAldaine on January 06, 2017, 03:21:25 AM
I think the question if we feel the same after the HRT.

Yes.  I said earlier that I still felt like the same person.  But I certainly don't feel the same.  There are lots of things I feel, and act differently about.  But the core person is still me.  Perhaps that's because I have known I was trans since I was 11.  I fought against it for a long time and that fighting caused me to adopt behaviors and beliefs  as a crutch to hide behind.  Since I don't need that crutch anymore I abandoned those things and believe and do what I like rather than what I needed to maintain a false avatar.



It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not.
André Gide, Autumn Leaves

Quote from: autumn08 on January 06, 2017, 02:41:48 AMAlso, we have a different definition of maintaining social harmony. I think your definition is to promote the ultimate good of humanity. My definition includes someone saying the "n word" and you laughing along with the crowd...

Ah, yes, then I've definitely been talking past you -- sorry!  No, for me "social harmony" and "conciliation" are more about small group dynamics and interpersonal relationships, which is simply something we need to be aware of and work on. I'm not going to be in groups or relationships where the "n word" is used to get laughs in the first place, so I completely misunderstood what you were referring to.  I think we're actually on the same page here, then.

QuoteI'm open to taking from female cultures a la carte, but I don't like making concessions for the sake of fitting in.

I can see your point, though, as I may be coming across as someone trying to remain a guy, but what I'm really afraid of is becoming someone I don't want to become.

If letting go liberates what's already there, then I'm not worried, but if letting go creates something new, then I'm worried.

I'm definitely repressing some femininity, but otherwise my mind feels lucid and organized, so I don't feel like I'm living a lie. I'm sure I'll experience surprises, though, and I'm gradually giving "that spirit" more free rein, but I'm just making sure that it doesn't knock over the china on the way out.

My former self wrote me a letter before departing to the land of fiction, which I opened and read five years after it was written.  I just had to laugh.  The concerns expressed were so off the mark, there really was no clue.  I threw it away. 

Speaking figuratively here:  Of course I knocked over some china on the way out!  The real me took some time to develop some grace after being locked up for so long -- I was so clumsy, so uncoordinated, but this makes sense, when you haven't stretched in ever so long.  You'll knock over some china, sure, but then you'll clean it up and life goes on.  (For me, the "china" was pretty much some interpersonal relationships.)

"What's already there" and "something new" are not mutually exclusive.  The acorn is already there, but the tree that emerges from it is something completely new. 

It turned out that there was so much I simply didn't know, and so I had to make "concessions" -- not so much in terms of the basic dignity of other people, "n-word" incidents and the like, but realizing that how I would go about addressing things no longer worked and I had to do things differently -- and, ultimately, for the better I think.  How to function in a work environment, for example, where small groups get things done, or hobby groups oriented around exploring mutual interests -- book clubs, TV show fan clubs, stuff like that.  How to re-integrate myself into extended family life (very difficult).  How to develop friendships, sexual relationships, and the like -- but even simple things like how I'd interact with the clerk at the checkout counter, or making eye contact with random woman at the DMV, not to mention how to look at men (as well as how not to look at men) walking down the street. 

I wouldn't say, though, that my sense of basic values changed.  I might have re-ordered them, but it's not like I suddenly adopted something I previously found repugnant for the sake of "fitting in."  I don't think you have to worry about that.

QuoteMaybe the reason for your drastic change is that you were as you say, "a false self," or maybe this is just how consequential transition normally is. What do you think?

Well, yeah, it's quite possible my situation isn't representative, because my dysphoria was so effectively repressed (thanks to the false ego I constructed) that I didn't really suffer from it until I was 30 years old myself.  This really isn't typical for most transitioners.  But then, everyone's transition is going to be different, as I hope you're beginning to realize from the variety of answers and stories you've already seen in this thread and elsewhere on this site.  (Again, you're not going to be able to predict how it's going to go for you.)

QuoteWhen I look back 20 years, I can say that 7 year old me is dead, but if I started HRT, I wouldn't want 30 year old me to say 27 year old me is dead. How did you feel 3 years after starting HRT?

I can say, for me at least, that 3 years after HRT I was a completely different person.  3 years after HRT, not only had I already had all my surgeries, I'd gone stealth, particularly into a long-term intimate relationship.  I had new boundaries established and maintained with family.  A new place to live, new work, new friendships and social circles.  But where I was most different was in this intimate relationship with a man; it was here that my spirit really flourished and unfolded and developed.  There were times I was so surprised by myself, by what I would do or what would come out of my mouth.  That "lucid and organized" mind of mine would take a back seat, and the "me of me" would simply be.  It's around this time that certain memories began to fade, even memories of transition. 

I had absolutely no clue that I'd be living this way at the time I started HRT, though it's possible the dream was nascent and stirring in my subconscious, sure, given some of the conversations with other long-term old-school transitioners I'd been starting to have.

Again, this isn't the usual story. Most transitioners don't follow this path, let alone this timeline.  By the time I started HRT I'd been in therapy and electrolysis for six months, and had (miraculously?) developed an unclockable voice -- actually, a voice that's actually reversed a couple of trivial grocery-store "sirs" in the past couple of decades (people are so apologetic when they've realized they've made a mistake!).  I had the financial resources to get facial surgery and SRS within the following 18 months, and the resolve to leave behind former relationships (including a lover) that wouldn't have gendered me in the way I needed to be gendered; only my close family remains from my previous life, for only they had the love and competence to reconceptualize me as we went along on this journey.  My sexuality changed.  And I embraced to some extent my vanity.  I don't consider my vanity a positive value, but it's an honest one and it's one I have to respect to actually be happy.  (Thankfully I have a hippie aesthetic, so it's not too difficult to indulge. And even this is something I'll occasionally concede, like putting on full makeup for a nice dinner out with my Mom -- this is the kind of "conciliation" I was thinking of, actually.) 

Anyways.

Autumn, I don't think you have to worry.  You're going to be fine.  You're asking the right questions, and I believe you're smart and conscientious and kind.  That's not going to change.  Everything else, whatever changes happen are going to be true to your self, even if you don't recognize it now at this very early stage.  You might find some things you might not like about yourself, but that's okay too.  Going through transition is like going through another adolescence.  It can be awkward and painful and very self-conscious, but then you grow up and move on, and you won't able to help but be who you really are. 

Yours,
Sophie

I don't exactly feel like a different person, but I do feel freer.  I'm allowing myself to think and say and do things that I would earlier have been too cautious to try.

But I think I've changed in ways that I don't notice, but other people do.  When I was at the bank recently, dealing with yet another name change issue, the bank person (officer?) said I was clearly a lot happier being who I was now.  And it's not like they know me all that well, I don't think.  The pastor at my church said that the reason people were more open to me (several months after I came out to the congregation) was that I was more open and not pushing people away.  I really hadn't noticed any of this.

Also, I've been trying to be a little different.  I'm trying to soften my voice.  I smile in response to people I pass on the street or in malls or wherever.  I try to be gentler in interacting with people (especially women.)  It's not like I was this swaggering MCP before, but now I'm trying to fit in with other women, and my impression is that most women are far more considerate of one another and more careful of hurting one another than men are.  And I like that.  I'd like to be a person that people feel comfortable and safe around.

I do find men intimidating.  I always did, but I'm more conscious of it now.  I don't know if women were wary of me back when I was presenting as a man, but I was always careful not to give them any more reason than my apparent gender.  And now that I'm presenting as a woman, I feel -- or maybe I'm just assuming -- that I can allow myself more.  To complement them on their clothing or how they've done their hair.  Maybe I'm Doing It Wrong and just deluding myself, but it's nice to feel that way.  That I can take off the Iron Man suit.

Quote from: Asche on January 06, 2017, 11:55:20 AMAlso, I've been trying to be a little different.  I'm trying to soften my voice.  I smile in response to people I pass on the street or in malls or wherever.  I try to be gentler in interacting with people (especially women.)  It's not like I was this swaggering MCP before, but now I'm trying to fit in with other women, and my impression is that most women are far more considerate of one another and more careful of hurting one another than men are.  And I like that.  I'd like to be a person that people feel comfortable and safe around.

Yes, this. 

Autumn,
   Wow, guess I was "lost in transition" (yuk yuk!) for one day and wow, your thread has really generated a lot of good conversation. So, many good comments! It occurs to me to add one more thing. From all of what you have said, I conclude that it is important to you to retain control. I think if you were to start HRT you would be still in control. Who decides to start, increase or decrease dosage, or even cease HRT? You! You are in control of it.
   It also seems to me that if HRT is only theoretical and not actual experience for you, you are not in as powerful a position. I think back to when I first  accepted myself and started taking steps. When everything was theoretical for me, I was so naive, so clueless as to what I would do or like. Every step I took was, in a sense, an experiment. Starting HRT could have gone two ways I guess. For me, it was great. Even if it hadn't gone so well, I would have been better off because my direction would be clearer.  Some way too smart idiot once said something about learning more from our mistakes than our  successes. The actual experience is so empowering. Thinking back, so much of my theoretical thinking was way wrong. I was very afraid, theoretically, that I would never be comfortable socially with people seeing me as a woman. In reality, it was  actually one of the most fulfilling things about my transition. I think back to all the fears I had. It ruled my life. My "experiments" allowed me to plow through that "stinking" fear.
   My best to you!
   Moni

Quote from: autumn08 on January 03, 2017, 05:12:29 AM
A part of me is afraid to start HRT, because in my relationships I feel like Atlas and if I'm weak the world will fall. Afterwards, though, I think, "I wouldn't turn into a baby and half of the people I respect the most are women, so if HRT would optimize my mood and therefore the positive impact I can have, then it's what I should do and **** the miserable, bigoted and jealous people of the world."

Nonetheless, since I'm not sure if my mental toughness is significantly due to my chemistry, or just a facade to block my insecurities, or an immutable part of me, I'm afraid to lose myself and be replaced by a stranger that can't protect those they care about. So, while I know that not being who you are is a terrible idea, I want to ask you, does HRT make you feel like an entirely different person, not very different, just a little happier overall, immediately at ease, a little awkward at first, natural, more/less gentle, more/less assertive, and/or something else?

Please be brutally honest.

I went from pretty dam conservative to pretty dam progressive.  Estrogen softened me up.  It changed my brain.

Quote from: Amy1988 on January 06, 2017, 11:15:52 PM
I went from pretty dam conservative to pretty dam progressive.  Estrogen softened me up.  It changed my brain.

I did too.  But my becoming unconservative happened before I started HRT.  It was all part of the process of untwisting the contradictory things in my mind


It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not.
André Gide, Autumn Leaves

Quote from: autumn08 on January 03, 2017, 05:12:29 AM
A part of me is afraid to start HRT, because in my relationships I feel like Atlas and if I'm weak the world will fall. Afterwards, though, I think, "I wouldn't turn into a baby and half of the people I respect the most are women, so if HRT would optimize my mood and therefore the positive impact I can have, then it's what I should do and **** the miserable, bigoted and jealous people of the world."

Nonetheless, since I'm not sure if my mental toughness is significantly due to my chemistry, or just a facade to block my insecurities, or an immutable part of me, I'm afraid to lose myself and be replaced by a stranger that can't protect those they care about. So, while I know that not being who you are is a terrible idea, I want to ask you, does HRT make you feel like an entirely different person, not very different, just a little happier overall, immediately at ease, a little awkward at first, natural, more/less gentle, more/less assertive, and/or something else?

Please be brutally honest.

This is when i start seriously wishing i had my old posts because it could be very helpful although i'm sure i can do some digging and find it floating around i'll send it to you sometime you may find it helpful.
Okay, before going on HRT one of my biggest fears was my personality changing that fear went to such a degree i was scared i wouldn't even recognize it in myself if it did change, over looking other's could tell me if it was changing. Basically i got my courage up and went on HRT and guess what happened! My personality it didn't change
instead its like i was a puzzle and someone found the missing peace after finding that missing peace i felt complete. I'll give a couple examples: Before i was hesitant always scared to take the leap on anything i was doing
even though i wanted very much to do it but that hesitation wouldn't let that happen.
After: I'm still hesitant to a degree but it's a lot less troublesome and it doesn't hold me back so often anymore
because i'm less hesitant i feel more happy with myself because i'd consider myself more confident.
Before i was also very wild with my emotions i couldn't handle them and i wasn't coping very good
i was exploding with tears because half the time i couldn't figure out what i was feeling, that was frustrating.
And After: I'm now feeling a lot less emotional and my emotions can still be hard to grasp sometimes
but they are a lot easier for me to figure out and understand i'm also a lot calmer and more relaxed and before i always felt like i was way to crazy.

See i didn't change
The negative just became the positive
and i went more into who i was then i ever could do before HRT so far it's helped and
i'm still the same old person i always was even checked and everyone just sees more of smile
that's the only difference.
You will be okay and i'll promise you that, and i can say that because iv'e felt that intense fear and all that fear
really was just doubts and worries but in the end it all worked out fine.