Being trans has always been a lonely life for me.  I have never had a real connection with anyone.  I have never felt like I fit in.  I have always yearned for a moment that I felt at peace or felt normal.......I have always been waiting for my loneliness and severe social anxiety to just reduce, just by a small amount.  I have always been waiting to not feel like a girl in a boys body.  I have always been waiting for something.  Something intangible that I can never feel or see or know completely. 

Starting hrt and transitioning has helped with my dysphoria, but quieting the dysphoria had allowed me to recognize my other mental health issues now that dysphoria is not screaming over everything else.  I am feeling how severe my social anxiety and my chronic loneliness is.  How I feel like an outsider for being trans.  How intensely sad I am that i cannot reach out to another human to try and form a friendship because my anxiety is so debilitating. 

I want to be accepted as the woman I am.  I was always meant to have been.  I feel like I'll never be treated as a real woman.  I'll always be aware that I look like a man.  I'll never be able to just live as a women.  I'll always feel like I look like a man in a dress no matter how much I feminize through hrt or surgery.  I'll always feel out of place.  I'll always feel alone.

Quote from: Pisces228 on January 07, 2017, 08:05:13 PM
Being trans has always been a lonely life for me.  I have never had a real connection with anyone.  I have never felt like I fit in.  I have always yearned for a moment that I felt at peace or felt normal.......I have always been waiting for my loneliness and severe social anxiety to just reduce, just by a small amount.  I have always been waiting to not feel like a girl in a boys body.  I have always been waiting for something.  Something intangible that I can never feel or see or know completely. 

Starting hrt and transitioning has helped with my dysphoria, but quieting the dysphoria had allowed me to recognize my other mental health issues now that dysphoria is not screaming over everything else.  I am feeling how severe my social anxiety and my chronic loneliness is.  How I feel like an outsider for being trans.  How intensely sad I am that i cannot reach out to another human to try and form a friendship because my anxiety is so debilitating. 

I want to be accepted as the woman I am.  I was always meant to have been.  I feel like I'll never be treated as a real woman.  I'll always be aware that I look like a man.  I'll never be able to just live as a women.  I'll always feel like I look like a man in a dress no matter how much I feminize through hrt or surgery.  I'll always feel out of place.  I'll always feel alone.

I completely understand the feeling i have sever social anxiety also and its on such a level not a lot of people have grasped how hard it actually is unless they've experienced it to the same extent.
It's hard for people to grasp but with experience or looking into the topic it tends to help people to a degree.
But anyways i'm going on about nothing to get straight to the point a lot of people feel like they cannot do things because of anxiety holding them back or that their transition will basically be a waste because they'll still look like the gender they are not, sometimes i feel the same.

I don't think HRT solves everything
but i do think within time you'll find yourself a lot more relaxed i don't know how long you've been on this or if you are on it i don't think i completely understood but i can say that it's important to know that it takes time.
And as impossible as it seems it truly isn't.  I've been on hrt for a little while now and i just passed the other day in a place where everyone new me and my family so that for me was shocking. and you know something even on hrt i never thought for a single second that would ever happen and when i least expected it it happened.
I don't know if we will ever see ourselves as the way we want to see ourselves
but i think a start to helping us see ourselves is getting rid of the stereotypical idea of what we should look like in society because everyone is different. I haven't been on mine long enough to say much but that's what i'd say for the moment maybe someday when on this longer i'll have more advice and more of a knowledge base upon it. 
 

I never fit in anywhere either. Even among punks & bikers I feel an outcast among outcasts. I've just accepted that that's how it's going to be & I will fly solo forever. Loneliness is part of my character like being tall & having green eyes

I won't sugar coat it.... Yes it can be a lonely life indeed.... It is not for the weak at heart.... IT's not just about passing or being accepted or being passable.... I pass 99.8% of the time... I can say I am conventionaly pretty but life can still be lonely.... Many of us have been damaged and scarred since childhood and a lot of people in society continue to make our lives miserable some even are own loved ones..... But if you try to let go a little bit, stop thinking and overanalyzing....  celebrate each milestone & you'll be a little happier each day.... Don't base your happiness on the opinion or acceptance of others attempt to be happy from within yourself, care a little less about others and rebuild yourself.... Easier said than done but that's how I'vee been coping all this years...Look at the positive on things...... The mind is it's own place it can make a hell out of heaven or a heaven out of hell. Goodluck!

Funny how life is and the despair we have.
The nickname I had pretransition and which I loathed was Gollum. You can guess why the nickname and my presentation hurt me.

I lived as a horror and it haunted me.

Now I still have my issues; I am to my mind a beautiful woman and I like me. I don't suffer the horror of being Gollum.

I may not be the most lovely woman in the world but I am one.

Sometimes we just do with what we have and love being us!

So do something for me........ just love being the new you!

Cindy

Don't feel alone I've always been a loner then one day I met a woman and was no longer lonely. I'm still the odd one out and don't care for large groups of people. Being transgender can be lonely but it's better to find someone to go on the journey with you.

I suffer from social anxiety too.  Sometimes I think, how could we not based on where most of us come from (i.e. The Closet).  I count my blessings that I'm not agoraphobic and haven't suffered from clinical depression for over 3 years now.  I do interact socially a lot.  I make a point of finding places to go to interact with people like support groups and doing things that interest me. I actually have a list on my refrigerator titled Going Out Ideas.   Though I find I'm so busy lately I really haven't had time to try something new for awhile.  Transition keeps me pretty busy these days.  I try to stay positive and keep a positive attitude.

I still had agrophobia for a couple of years while on anti depressants. I only went to the shopping centre & straight back home. Then I went to a different part of town, then a bus pass so I could go further than I could walk & eventually I wanted to go further & started using the train. I started to become interested in art, museums & historic houses & once a week I made sure I went somewhere out of town. I re discovered my interest in wildlife & birdwatching & motorcycling & travelled further still.
I had this weird detatched feeling while in large groups

I was beginning to think I was the only one, it is horrible, but I am at some level at least relieved I am not the only one.  Not that I would wish this on anyone, it is something that deeply troubles me though, and seeing some of your stories gives me a bit of hope, seeing others transitioning with the same issues as I do gives me strength. 

Well, my therapist and I talked more again today about my issues.  She said I should talk to my Dr about med so I can get a head start on the social anxiety.  Does anyone have any thoughts on meds for social anxiety?

Quote from: Cindy on January 08, 2017, 02:32:09 AM
Funny how life is and the despair we have.
The nickname I had pretransition and which I loathed was Gollum....

I appear to be leaking. ..

Most of the time, the only way I can describe how I feel is as gollum. Remember, all that was sought was freedom from the torment of the ring...

Rowan