This is it! I'm going to my therapist. Is there somewhere he can keep me from self harming?
      I don't want this to become an addiction.
I don't want to die.

Oh god, I'm going mad.

I'm sorry you're having a hard time sweetheart, I'll suggest a couple of things.

A therapist can help you learn to get by without cutting, they can't fix you so much as enable you to fix yourself.

I would suggest being out with your parents might be safer than with your sister, younger people may lack the maturity to deal and I've know siblings to be very unsupportive.

Feel our hugs, know that you're not alone.

For some real hard advice i will add in. Seek help NOW! a good therapist can help you decide what options you can take. The coming out factor, the ways to do about your day without self harm, working on you in general. The thing is girl, i too have cut, and the worst thing is it is there forever and will only serve as a reminder of tough times. Dysporia is a demon, i feel you. In my personal case whenever i too tried the many man card i would vomit , a lot, and was so worried about losing any weight i came close to eating 3 bricks of butter to regain weight. Self harm, or self torture will only hurt you and those that love you. So please find a good therapist, or if need be talk to me. There are a lot of people who wana see you shine <3

Quote from: Saira128 on January 11, 2017, 06:46:33 AM


This is it! I'm going to my therapist. Is there somewhere he can keep me from self harming?
      I don't want this to become an addiction.
I don't want to die.

The second and the last sentences are the most important in your post.

I am guessing you have a therapist you go to? That is great if you do. Can I ask if you are in school? If so, almost all level of schools have a therapist who could put you in touch with one for a longer period of time. Therapists sometimes will put one in a mental health ER if they need to force you to stop self harm. What ever you do, please be very honest with them. Even if it is scary and exhausting. That can be a really good first start. Then you can work together on approaching your family.

Like so many of us here, I was at that self-harm place before finally going to see a therapist. That was nearly two years ago. It is not all sunshine and flowers now but whose life is? However, once I got to the point of starting to come out to some people I started to see that there could be light in one's life. I did not see the lighter life right away but it became possible. That darkness makes it seem like it is not even possible.

So, one step at a time. Go see a therapist. They will often see you faster if they know that your are damaging yourself. Then work through the urge to self harm and coming out to who you need to.

It is not easy. You can do this, though. We believe you and you have the support of us here as a common family.
Contact any who have offered here, if you need to. PM me or email whenever you want. I will try to get  back to you quickly. We care about you. You belong with us.

Take care of yourself.

With warmth,

Joanna

Quote from: Saira128 on January 11, 2017, 06:46:33 AM
This is it! I'm going to my therapist. Is there somewhere he can keep me from self harming?
      I don't want this to become an addiction.
I don't want to die.

I suspect the most effective way of controlling what you feel is to start you on a testosterone blocker. It may not suppress all of your feelings but in as soon as a couple of weeks with the proper dosage, it can greatly reduce the dysphoria. For other site members, it can be like night and day and so effective they sometimes think they are cured. They are not physically addictive and should you change your mind, for the most part the effects are reversible.

You should continue with therapy because you have been through a very difficult time and you want to address any remaining or future issues. I hope you get help soon because you can't keep cutting like that.

Quote from: Saira128 on January 04, 2017, 03:50:32 PM
      I wake up every morning and just wait for the day to end. I don't feel ambitious about anything, I don't feel anything, I keep on having negative thoughts constantly.
      I know, transitioning would make me feel better, but I don't even have the strength to come out to my parents.
     I just want everything to end. I feel tired, disappointed in myself.
     I don't know, maybe, I am not strong enough.

       I started cutting myself. I have scars all over my arms. I keep on hiding them. Nothing makes me happy anymore.
    I try to hurt myself so that I can feel something.

  I don't know what to do anymore.

Hello, saira
You're cutting yourself you're not wanting to wake up you're wanting to continue sleeping
You're wanting to hurt yourself to feel anything although you're saying you're to scared to come out to parents.
You ready for the cheesiest comment? You're brave because what you're doing at the moment is reaching out
and that alone is a hard thing to do. On top of this your life is so important your future is brighter then you know
and all you have to do is believe in yourself you have courage then you have strength. Coming out can be very scary but if you're feeling in such distress sometimes facing that fear is worth every second. Not very long ago i felt the same thing and i said the same words "I'm not strong enough" turns out i had a lot of strength and it only takes others who've been there to see the strength in others and i can already see it in you. You'll get there take your time and try relaxing, listen to music or do something you enjoy.

Quote from: Saira128 on January 11, 2017, 06:46:33 AM


This is it! I'm going to my therapist. Is there somewhere he can keep me from self harming?
      I don't want this to become an addiction.
I don't want to die.

I'm sure if you bring it up to him he will help you find other methods so you don't self harm.

Quote from: SailorMars1994 on January 11, 2017, 09:10:25 AM
For some real hard advice i will add in. Seek help NOW! a good therapist can help you decide what options you can take. The coming out factor, the ways to do about your day without self harm, working on you in general. The thing is girl, i too have cut, and the worst thing is it is there forever and will only serve as a reminder of tough times. Dysporia is a demon, i feel you. In my personal case whenever i too tried the many man card i would vomit , a lot, and was so worried about losing any weight i came close to eating 3 bricks of butter to regain weight. Self harm, or self torture will only hurt you and those that love you. So please find a good therapist, or if need be talk to me. There are a lot of people who wana see you shine <3

Thank you SailorMars.

I'd write more inspiring words, but I think everyone before me has it covered. I'm also a trans male, so I don't believe I could offer advice on ways to temporarily ease your dysphoria.

As someone who self harms as well, I can understand how difficult it is to stop. In the meantime, have you tried using neosporin for treating scars and letting the cuts heal faster? That is, if you're motivated to get rid of the scars. Sometimes I'm not, other times I'm grossed out by them. Perhaps your motivation could be that, once transitioning, you'll be able to enjoy your body even more without scars left from self harming.

As far as distractions from self harm... That depends on individual. You could work it out with your therapist, like you said. Or did you mean that you're going to finally get one? If so, I hope it goes well and that you could safely come out to them at some point, as well as find distractions. For now, keep looking up various distractions and other ways to cope and figure out what works best for you.

I wish you luck. Keep us updated if you can.

You are welcome Saira! We are all here to help and love one and another! as i said do not hesitate to inbox me if need be, i will get back to you as quickly as i can! Chin up, there is a beautiful girl waiting to be unlocked <3

Quote from: Denise on January 04, 2017, 05:34:49 PM
Saira, here's another suggestion, do something hidden to start your transition.  Like:
Shave your legs.
Heck why stop there, shave off everything below the neck.
Talk in a higher voice.
If you're really gutsy, Pierce an ear or two. Lots of guys have pierced ears.
Wear female underwear.  It doesn't have to be frilly, just not cotton.
Watch and mimic women. 

Most of those things takes time to learn and do right.  You'll be ahead of the game later.

Please keep reaching out, we're here to provide support.


Sent from my LG-H820 using Tapatalk

I want to do all of these things, but I can't. I live in  a Boys' hostel, everyone is so testosterone charged here. I feel so uncomfortable here.
   
   To add to that, I am attracted to boys, so it makes matters worse for me.

Quote from: Abbiem on January 04, 2017, 05:45:35 PM
you are very strong, dont let anyone bring u down, they will win.

Thank you so much Abbie

Quote from: josie76 on January 04, 2017, 05:49:38 PM
I can't think of much to add to what these ladies have already said but I want you to know we all are here to support you. Please find a way not to hurt yourself. Try to remember we do understand everything you are going through. You are not alone even if it feels like that sometimes. I wish there was something more I could do for you.

Stay the strong person we all know you really are! Take a digital hug from me sweetie

Hugs

Quote from: jentay1367 on January 04, 2017, 06:46:50 PM
Telling people you know can be very liberating and open doors you didn't know existed. Regardless, your paradigm will shift if you tell the peeps. Based on what you're saying about your present circumstance, you've little to lose by trying. Tell them you need therapy and use the therapist as a go between and proxy to share more intimate info with the folks after you've been with them a while. Do something at any rate, what you're doing is failing for you. Move to a new tact.

My parents don't even know, that I have been seeing a therapist.
    Mental health is a tabboo in India.

Quote from: 2cherry on January 07, 2017, 12:39:51 PM
I know that place. Fear keeps us from being ourselves.

Your situation seems bad right now. So if it cannot get worse, make it better: Tell it, vent, scream if you have to. Make them listen. Guaranteed, you'll feel better.

I hope this is the worst it gets.

Quote from: zamber74 on January 07, 2017, 01:33:40 PM
Hey Saira,
     It has been a few days now, how have you been feeling?  I know this is hell at times, I really do, but just keep at it.  As far as not being strong enough, you came out to your friends, that is amazing!  You are also seeing a therapist, which is fantastic!  You are not giving yourself nearly enough credit.

Hey, how are you? How has your journey been till now?

Quote from: Jane Emily on January 07, 2017, 02:51:24 PM
I was talking to a 69 year old trans lady friend of mine this week.  She's about to get her GCS.  At 69.  She shared a phrase with me this week about "living in the wreckage of the future."  It's about how when we are isolated we allow monkeys in our mind to get all loud and scream and jump around and make all kinds of mayhem.  Imagining the worst outcomes. The worst possible scenarios.  But none of it is real.  We all have problems and the last thing we need to do is add new ones that don't even exist. It's better I think to deal with real problems and not imaginary ones.  They are much more amenable to solutions.  You are a medical student.  You have taken lots of math.  This is basically just another math problem that you can find solutions to.  You are THAT smart.  Before I came out the stress was unbelievable. Couldn't sleep. Couldn't eat.  I imagined all kinds of scenarios and the worst one was backing out and then 5 minutes later I was thinking no way can I do this.  I knew it couldn't keep going on that way and I had to move off of that spot.  Either forward or backward.  The stress was just too much. 

I know you're tired of it all. I would be too.  It's not easy.  The emotions are exhausting.  But don't give up. Work the problem you have in front of you.  Then you can move forward.  I'm sending out good thoughts to you, hoping you feel better.  I really do wish I could just give you a big hug.

One problem at a time, one day at a time.
    Hugs

Quote from: Dena on January 11, 2017, 01:17:15 AM
I don't know if you can do it but for me the pressure built to the point that I had to come out or face serious self harm. I realize my only hope was to stop bottling it up and come out regardless of the consequences. You need to set a day, time or event when you will come out and not let it go beyond that.

I had set a date. I am 12 days past the deadline. Lol

Hugs

Quote from: Joanna50 on January 11, 2017, 03:18:52 PM
The second and the last sentences are the most important in your post.

I am guessing you have a therapist you go to? That is great if you do. Can I ask if you are in school? If so, almost all level of schools have a therapist who could put you in touch with one for a longer period of time. Therapists sometimes will put one in a mental health ER if they need to force you to stop self harm. What ever you do, please be very honest with them. Even if it is scary and exhausting. That can be a really good first start. Then you can work together on approaching your family.

Like so many of us here, I was at that self-harm place before finally going to see a therapist. That was nearly two years ago. It is not all sunshine and flowers now but whose life is? However, once I got to the point of starting to come out to some people I started to see that there could be light in one's life. I did not see the lighter life right away but it became possible. That darkness makes it seem like it is not even possible.

So, one step at a time. Go see a therapist. They will often see you faster if they know that your are damaging yourself. Then work through the urge to self harm and coming out to who you need to.

It is not easy. You can do this, though. We believe you and you have the support of us here as a common family.
Contact any who have offered here, if you need to. PM me or email whenever you want. I will try to get  back to you quickly. We care about you. You belong with us.

Take care of yourself.

With warmth,

Joanna

Thank you Joanna.
    I'm in Medical school, and we don't have therapists here( the irony).
   I love this family so much, it is truly great.
   I feel some weight off my shoulders when I talk here.

Hugs